White Walls

I haven’t seen John in a few days, not since he came round to Hilary’s last weekend and bared his unconditional love for me. He stayed the night that night. We slept in Hilary’s bed while she was away for the night. Sleeping beside him was something I’d missed over the past couple of weeks- almost months.

We didn’t get back together- it would have gone against everything I’d said before hand. After all, he hadn’t fixed us; just made the promise to. We talked a lot that night, and we went to sleep knowing that in the morning I wouldn’t be moving back in just yet. I didn’t know where my head was at, but things were a lot clearer between us. The anger I held towards him was gone, the resentment for the secrets and that damned song was gone- he’d sung me a new song, called ‘Visions’. It cleared some things up.

I wasn’t just about to go back to how we used to be, though. I appreciated the commitment and the change he showed me last night, but I didn’t feel one hundred percent convinced. There was just something in me that begged for that last sign, something further to tell me to go back to him. Something was missing, something felt overlooked but I didn’t know what it was.

When we were talking, he told me he’d seen the ring in my draw. I was embarrassed at first, but grew out of that when I realized he was still wearing my ring around his neck. I came clean about all of that, how I was going to propose on his birthday. He told me he was ‘so sorry’ about what happened that night when he realized that that was the night all of this started. He said some more stuff about marriage and wanting to marry me, which is where I guess he saw us headed in a few years. I didn’t say too much on the matter, finding it soothing how he talked about what he thought our future together looked like. He talked about more kids (I didn’t want to tell him that I didn’t think my body could handle any more kids) and living in the suburbs (he and I both knew that neither of us wanted to live in the suburbs) in a house as big as his parents’. I found it kind of cute, him making up this alternate life when really we knew we’d be satisfied in a two bedroom flat with us and Lucas and an impressive music collection. We’d be satisfied living in a small house central to the people we love, the friends we can’t get away from and maybe a dog or two in the back yard. We’d be satisfied anywhere, as long as we…had each other. I wouldn’t be satisfied unless I had him, raising Lucas with me.
It always came back to him. Every single time.

So that’s why I woke him up at the crack of dawn, making him leave before Hilary and Alexandra got home. I said I’d call him when I’d figured it out, when I’d decided what I wanted. His words never left my brain after that night. They were constantly on my mind as I made my way through the following days. I’m all yours. That had to be the ultimate sign of commitment for him. After that there was no going back to single units. We were one.

I could see he didn’t want to leave, but he did anyway once seeing Lucas. Hilary wasn’t back yet so she didn’t know a thing. I wanted to keep it that way after what I’d said to her the other day about not wanting to get back together with him. I also didn’t want her to come home and see me and John in her bed and automatically think the worst.

It was a Saturday, and I was trying to make the most of my time off before returning to the office formally on Monday. I was looking forward to it, to seeing everybody, but I wasn’t looking forward to the catch up work I had to get through. It meant I’d need to go home because a lot of it was on my desk upstairs, which meant I’d have to kick John out again.

I came downstairs, dressed and ready to go that morning. I had a few errands I needed to run and I wanted to do them before I took Lucas out for the day. I had to go to the hospital and hand in some form for my insurance, which I’d have to get from Jenny and Jay, then I had to stop by the offices and fill a few papers out for Tim about my absence, before going to pick up some groceries for Hilary. Then I had to get a repeat of my medication. It was going to be a busy morning and I didn’t want to deal with a whining little boy asking me if we had time to stop at the park every five minutes.

“Morning,” Hilary greeted, taking a sip of her tea.

I made my way to Alexandra almost immediately as she sat in her high chair. “Hey, morning. You guys get in okay?” I asked, running a hand through her hair. I couldn’t get over how much hair she had already. “How are you Miss Alexandra?”

She gurgled something untranslatable, slamming her spoon against her bowl.

“We got in fine,” Hilary nodded, “about an hour ago, actually. That weather last night was bat shit crazy.”

“Tell me about it,” I scoffed. “I’m surprised Lucas wasn’t up for hours because of it. When John came around he was sound asleep-“

Whoops.

Hilary’s eyes widened. “John came over? Didn’t he have a show?! Oh my god did you screw him?!”

“Hilary!” I scolded, issuing to her daughter.

“Oh come on, tell me what happened, Leighton.” She forced, sending me a look. “Alex has heard it all before.”

I rolled my eyes. “He just came around and we talked. Nothing else happened. He’s giving me a few days to figure it out and I’m going to call him.”

“Wait, figure what out?” She asked, confused.

“If…y’know, I want to get back together.” I shrugged quietly.

“Oh Leighton, you’re going to break the boys’ heart.” She sighed, shaking her head.

“I’m not going to break his heart,” I muttered. “I…he said things, Hil. Things that make me want to fix us. He’s changed, and I don’t know what it is that’s pushed him to change, but he has. I have no doubt about that.”

“It was the coma that did it,” Hilary nodded. “God you should have seen him, Lei. He broke down in front of every one. He had a go at your parents too when the doctor said they should think about turning off your life support.”

My eyes widened. I wasn’t told about that. “What? They wanted to turn off my life support?!”

“Yeah, I thought they would have told you that. Your parents wanted to do it because your body was under so much stress, physical as well as emotional. The doctors didn’t think you’d pull out of the coma but John wouldn’t let them even think about turning it off. In the end they left the decision up to him.” She explained.

I frowned. John wasn’t that open with her, how would she know that? “Who told you that? He didn’t- I know he wouldn’t.”

“Eric was there. He told Jac, who told Lydia and Tate and Tate told Garrett who told somebody and I don’t really know who I heard it from. Probably Parker…who probably heard it from Jared-“

“I get the idea!” I said quickly, cutting her off before she went through the whole population of America and back again. “I figured he wouldn’t share something like that.”

“Yeah that’s more an Austin thing than a Hilary thing I guess,” she nodded. “Anyway, it was really serious Lei.”

“Shit, they didn’t tell me it was that bad.” I mumbled. “They just said I’d have to watch my heart the next few months because it’s a lot weaker and my health wasn’t as good as it should be.”

“They probably just didn’t want to scare you,” Hilary pointed out. “And Halvo said he’s been talking all serious about starting a family and doing all that kind of stuff with you. He wants to settle down, Lei. That’s huge.”

“We talked about that last night. I think…maybe he wants a marriage like his parents’,” I mused, looking over at her. “Which is crazy because he’s always been the one of his brothers not to follow in his parents footsteps.”

“Maybe his age is catching up with him. He’s twenty eight- I know he’ll always have that youth about him, and you’ll probably always be that young couple at heart, but realistically, you have to do the grown up things and own your own house, get at least one family car, all of that.” She stated.

“I don’t know if all of that will make him happy, that’s what’s most important to me, Hil. He deserves happiness- long lasting happiness. I know Lucas brings him happiness but I also know that sometimes it isn’t enough to keep him happy and that guilt will eat him alive- it’s the depression, it’s always there.” I sighed, running a hand through my- fuck I kept forgetting about the length of my hair. It was so short. I felt like a boy. I’m sure Austin’s hair was longer than mine. Then again, he probably didn’t think too much about his hair.

“I think having you and Luke will be enough for him- don’t you?” Hilary asked.

“His career is important to him too. That’s what’s been so hard for him- putting us first. It’s always been him and the boys, him and the band- the music, it’s such a huge part of him.” I explained, wincing. I knew how much of a change this was going to be for him if he decided to pull through for me.

“Leighton I’ve seen the way he looks at you two. He’d do anything for you and every body knows it.” Hilary sighed, rubbing my shoulder. “Have a little faith in him. You’ve made him the happiest we’ve seen in a long time. You two are something special and people have always thought that.”

“They have?”

“Of course, babe,” she nodded softly. “When you first started dating, everyone was weary because we knew he was a lot to handle- but you’ve given him so much strength by sticking with him for all these years- you put something in his eyes that’s never seemed to disappear, Leighton. He has a family because of you. You gave him a reason to keep going when he felt like he didn’t have one. Have. Faith. In. Him.” She finished slowly.

I didn’t know what to say. Have I really done all of that for him? All I thought I’d done was be a good girlfriend. We promised one another that we wouldn’t give up on each other, and as hard as it was, I didn’t. I kept that promise all through our relationship, up until we broke up. Was that why I’d been feeling so off?

I left Hil’s that morning feeling more conflicted than I had before I went to sleep last night. There were so many mixed emotions and feelings floating around in my head as I drove to Jenny and Jay’s. Whenever I thought I’d made up my mind about him, there was something else in the way of confirming that decision, whether it be good or bad.
It didn’t help that I was going to his parents’ house.

Just walking up the driveway to the double-floor house had me shaking in my sneakers- I wasn’t allowed to wear shoes more than an inch off the ground, apparently my balance was fucked up because of my weight and so standing up for too long and wearing ridiculous shoes was strictly prohibited.
When I reached the front door of a house I’d never felt more intimidated by, I knocked quickly before taking a step back and waiting patiently.

I was surprised when the door opened to reveal Jay, looking a lot thinner than I’d remembered him to be. I hadn’t seen the O’Callaghan’s since coming out of the hospital, only spoken with Jenny over the phone to assure her I was doing okay. I’d finally convinced her that I needed to put my insurance in my own name, considering John and I were now separate parties and it was something I had to handle myself. After an hour of pleading I’d finally convinced her and planned on picking up the insurance forms this morning so I could get it done and dusted by midday. I just didn’t expect to see John’s double standing before me, is all.

“Jay, hi,” I greeted softly.

“Oh Leighton, come in,” he sighed, pulling me in for a tight hug. “Jesus, it’s so good to see you again.”

“Yeah it’s been a rough few weeks,” I commented, feeling my voice waver as he held me in his arms. I missed this scent, I missed this house and I missed his family; probably because I had such high expectations to follow by their example. “But I’m doing okay now.”

“That’s so great to hear, young lady,” Jay nodded, leading me through the quiet house and into the kitchen. “We were really worried about you.”

“Apparently I gave everyone quite a scare,” I mused, leaning against the kitchen bench. “But you seem to be under the weather also, Jay.” I commented, sending him a concerned look. He was basically my second father- I was bound to worry about him too.

He shook his head with a sigh. “I know; I’m not looking my best. It’s just stress and anxiety I’m afraid. But I’m doing fine.”

“Stress?” I frowned, getting stuck over his words. “What are you getting stress and anxiety from?”

He was so much like John with the way he looked up at the ceiling as his eyes began to water. Had I made John’s father cry? That was a first. “It’s just busy at the firm right now, and it doesn’t help that I’ve ruined my relationship with my oldest child and hardly even see my youngest one. Plus there was the worry about you, darling. Poor Jennifer was up so many night in tears that Lucas wouldn’t grow up with his mother and father- seeing my love like that is heartbreaking, Leighton. It all just piles up and I’m afraid that not even the man of the house can hold it together some times.”

I had no idea how much of this Jay was carrying around and I felt so bad for not knowing. I don’t speak with him as much as I do with Jenny, but even she hadn’t told me what was going on. “So you’ve lost weight from stress?” I asked, knowing that line all too well.

“Afraid so- but it’s nothing I don’t have under control.” He assured, waving it off as he regained eye contact with me. “You don’t need to worry-“

“Wait what happened with John?” I interrupted with a frown. He sure as hell hadn’t mentioned his father during our talk last night.

Jay sighed, shaking his head as he sat at the kitchen table. “I may have said some things to him that I didn’t mean just after you two broke up.”

“Jay…” I sighed, uncrossing my arms and sitting down at the table across from him. John was without a doubt exactly like him. “What happened?”

“He came in a few weeks ago to get something for Lucas and we got into an argument in my office. His mother had just informed me that you two had split up. Naturally, I was disappointed with him. I said a few things out of anger and because he’s my son and exactly like me; he fought back.”

Knowing John he would have been pretty brutal to his father. I knew he loved his parents, but I also knew that when he was passionate about something, he wouldn’t give up at the expense of someone else’s opinion, not even his fathers. I sat back and listened as Jay opened up about their argument and how he blamed John for what happened between us. I hated how our relationship had come between his and his fathers’. I never intended nor wanted for that to happen.

“We’re working things out,” I said finally, looking at him over the cups of coffee I’d made us. If I was going to have this deep a conversation, I was going to have to do it over some sort of caffeinated beverage to push me through it. “I don’t know if we’re going to get back together, but we’re working on things for Lucas’ sake.”

“Well I’m really glad to hear that, Leighton.” Jay sighed, reaching across the table and placing an aged hand over my own, much younger, less experienced one. “I just want the best for my son and I know I have a terrible way of showing it, but that’s all I ever want for him and I know that it’s something you can bring him.”

“I don’t know about that Jay…” I mumbled, looking at our hands. It was so much pressure on somebody; the wellbeing of another, the happiness of another.

“Oh Leighton, you really have no idea how much you’ve done for this family. It’s because of you he’s speaking to his brothers again. It’s because of you that he’s handling his heath with a positive outlook. It’s because of you he’s happy again, you’ve given him the ultimate responsibility- he has a son of his own, you’ve made a man out of him Leighton.”

A man. A family. A positive outlook. Responsibility.

We’ve gone through so much together. Would it be such a waste to throw it all away and move on? Were we destined to be together? Was this just another challenge in our relationship that we had to overcome? Was this just testing the strength of our love and were we supposed to come out the other end even stronger?

Or had we run our course? Were we not meant to last forever? Maybe we were just supposed to create our son and part ways. Maybe he wasn’t the ‘one’ for me and there was some other guy out there that was supposed to fill his space and it was time for that to happen. Was I supposed to move on now? Start fresh? It was hard to picture; me with somebody else, or John with somebody else. I couldn’t stomach the thought of seeing him in the arms of another woman. It just wasn’t right- it was us, and it had been for the past five years.

As much as I wanted to hope for the best and that we would last forever, I just didn’t know whether I could take another one of these downward spirals- they were only making us sick and it was dangerous with a child added to the mix.

Were we really stronger together than we were apart? Or were we completely different people now?

***

I left the O’Callaghan home with my medical folder in hand. Jenny wasn’t home but was extremely organized, meaning Jay had no excuse not to give me my records. I know he didn’t want me to take my name out of their family account, but I knew it was something I had to do. It may seem silly for them to get so protective over something like this, but I knew it was because of the underlying meaning. They thought that the second I subtracted my name from their account meant I would slowly be subtracting myself from their lives, away from them and away from John. I tried to convince Jay into thinking that that wasn’t the case, and he said he understood, but I knew he didn’t. I was starting to realize the magnitude of our break up and how it was affecting other people. It affected his family and it affected mine; no more joint Christmases, birthday parties. Our friendship circle would most likely split in two, with almost every body gravitating towards John because they knew him before they knew me and their loyalty lied with him. I didn’t even want to start on how it was going to affect Lucas in his older years.
That’s what made going back to him seem so much more easier. But at the same time, I didn’t feel one hundred percent convinced. I needed that last sign to tell me that it was the right decision; it was like an itch that I couldn’t scratch. It was there but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

It was ten am when I got to our local Starbucks, in desperate need of a coffee fix after running most of the errands I’d set out to do this morning. Hilary had texted me and let me know that Lucas was up and had eaten breakfast with her and Alexandra and that he was behaving ‘like the little angel he is’. I couldn’t help but playfully roll my eyes at that- it was funny how he knew when to turn on the charm, much like his father.

I stood to the side after putting in my order, looking around the familiar, quite busy coffee house. I hadn’t been here in so long and I was strongly regretting it as I took in the addictive aromas that turned me into a regular customer in the first place.

While waiting for my coffee, my eyes drifted towards the notice board nailed to the wall on my right. It
was covered in advertisements for old cars and garage sales, with your odd wanted roommate and cleaning service. One notice that caught my eye, however, was music lessons. I raised an eyebrow as I read the word ‘guitar’. Was Lucas too young to start playing the guitar? I know that Jared started out at five, so three couldn’t be all that ridiculous. Plus, it would give John and Lucas something more to bond over- maybe he could start out on the ukulele? With heart-shaped mama’s eyes, I took one of the little slips that had the number of the music teacher on it. Maybe this would be good for the two of them, and Lucas would enjoy doing something his daddy does-

“Excuse me, can I help you?”

I broke out of my trance and back into reality when I realized and older man had walked up to me, a warm smile on his face. He didn’t look more than forty-five, a slightly greying, rather attractive older man. “I’m sorry?”

“I couldn’t help but notice you take a number from my ad.” He chuckled, raising his coffee towards the pink piece of paper in the middle of the board.

“Oh you’re the music teacher with over twenty years of experience?” I asked, somewhat surprised as I read from his description. He didn’t look like a musician, more like a professor at ASU.

“That would be me,” he nodded, “are you interested in learning yourself?”

“Oh no,” I chuckled, shaking my head. “It’s for my little boy, I was thinking of starting him on guitar. His
fathers’ a musician so I think it’s something he’d enjoy, something for them to do together.”

“Ah I see, a wonderful idea it is, giving a child the gift of musical ability.” He smiled, taking a sip of his coffee. “I also teach bass guitar, banjo, drums and piano. The name’s Michael Loyntz.”

I stared down at the extended hand, about to offer my own, when my blood ran cold and my entire body froze with horror.

No.

It couldn’t be.

A million different thoughts ran through my mind but not one of them could control my actions as I knocked his hot coffee out of his hands and brought my wrist straight into his face. I winced at the sound of bones cracking (it was hard to tell whether that was my hand or his nose) but threw that over my shoulder as I grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him against the counter, startling just about every customer and employee here.

“You- you animal! You ruined our lives! You ruined him!” I screamed, clawing at his chest. “You ruined his life!”

“What the- get off of me- someone get this crazy bitch off of me!”

“Miss,” an employee attempted to pull me away, but I wouldn’t let go of him. I couldn’t- I didn’t want to put a single finger on him but I couldn’t let him get away with this. It’s been too long and something had to be done. “Miss let go of him-“

“Somebody call the police- he’s a criminal!” I yelled, grabbing his hair in attempt to punch him again.

“Woa Leighton!”

I looked over my shoulder for a brief second as a familiar set of arms wrapped themselves around me. Garrett’s concerned face came into view. I must look like a complete madman infront of all these people but that meant nothing to me right now. “He’s- he abused John! He’s a criminal!” I spat, my hands moving around his neck as the very man himself tried to escape my grip. A look changed in his eyes as he realized he’d been caught- after all this time, he’d been caught.

“You fucking asshole!” Garrett yelled, shoving me out of the way and going straight for his stomach, punching and hitting him repeatedly. “You fucking asshole!”

It wasn’t long before the police arrived and Starbucks lost a couple of ceramic mugs in what the police deemed a ‘public disturbance’. All I know was that I wasn’t ashamed to be sitting outside on the curb in front of the coffee house beside Garrett, the both of us with our hands in cuffs and in a bucket of ice water given generously by the teenage boy behind the counter because he thought we were ‘totally badass’.

“I can’t believe you knocked that guy around, Leighton,” Garrett scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. “Jesus.”

“I stand by the accusation. He ruined John’s life, Garrett.” I said firmly.

“Oh hell yeah, I’m standing right beside you,” Garrett nodded, looking up from the bucket between us. “I think what you did was incredibly brave- albeit a little bit crazy, but brave nonetheless.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t need to think twice about it.”

“That’s when your true side comes out- during the actions you make without a second thought.” He mused. “I asked Tate out last night, properly. Didn’t need to think twice about it. You risked your life to protect John, you didn’t need to think twice about it. Really says something, don’t ya think?”

There it was. The sign. It was right in front of me this whole time.

I looked up as that familiar truck pulled up in front of the scene, John and Dr Adams jumping out of the vehicle as soon as possible. Dr Adams made his way to the police officers with multiple files (I’m guessing of the victims) while John made his way straight for me, clearly distraught.

I jumped up from the curb and ran to him, cuffed hands in front of me.

“Leighton! What the fuck-“

Lifting my hands over his head, I placed them at the back of his neck before pressing my lips passionately against his. God how I’d missed that feeling. I’d missed it all for so long.

“It was him, John, it was him.” I sputtered through tears. I hated this.

John’s expression softened. “Dr Adams told me on the way here. I-I-I can’t believe…you saw him? Why are your hands cuffed?” He asked, tugging at the metal around my wrists.

“Dude she didn’t just see him, she fucking knocked him out!” Garrett yelled from the curb.

John’s eyes widened as he realized the extent of the situation. “Y-you what?”

“I don’t know what came over me,” I admitted, wiping my eyes the best I could with cuffed hands. My hands were dirty and the tears just made it worse.“I just started hitting him and grabbing him- I was so
angry.”

“Leighton, oh my god.” John whispered, pushing the hair out of my face ever so gently. “W-why would you do that? He could have hit back- or pushed you and you could have- you could have gotten hurt, Leighton. Why would you risk that?” He asked, his voice weak as his eyes scanned my face.

My voice was raspy but I knew that the words that fell from my mouth were words of truth. “I’ll always defend you, without a second thought. Because if you’re mine…I’m yours.” I whispered in his ear, quiet enough for only him to hear. It didn’t matter whether he heard or not- I think he already knew.

We’ve always known.

“You never gave up on me,” he croaked, looking down at me. I leant up and kissed him again, falling into each other as we made contact.

“And I never will.”