White Walls

“How’s the auditions going?” I asked Caleb as I stepped out of my office to check on how the shoot was going.

“Alright,” he nodded, looking up from his iPad. I literally could not get him away from that thing. “We’re up to number ten, so seven more to go after this.”

“That’s good,” I nodded, “if you want a break at all, let me know. I’m just doing paper work in the office.” I said, as I watched Dirk run through the basics with the model before stepping back to take photos.

“Nah I’ll be fine,” Caleb insisted. “Nothing I can’t handle, boss.”

“I’m glad to hear that then,” I smiled, rubbing his back. “Call me if you need anything, alright?”

“Will do boss,” Caleb nodded, giving me a re-assuring smile before going back to his duties onset, which I was actually quite proud of. He’d developed over the years and had learned to take control, which I was really impressed with. I knew I’d made the right idea of choosing him to work on the next line with me, because the passion was really there when he applied himself and I really appreciated it.

I headed back to my office after making up two coffees, handing one to Tate who sat in front of my desk. I kept an eye over her shoulder on Lucas, who was napping on the couch. I turned to one of my closest friends and sighed. “Where were we?”

“You were lecturing me about my personal life.” She said, accepting the coffee and pulling her legs up on the chair to rest her mug on her knees. “Which I totally don’t think is-“

“There will never be a relationship between you and Pat. There can’t be and you know that.” I stated, cutting her off and going back into the same mode I was in earlier.

“I know that! And I won’t let that happen- nor do I want that to happen! We’re just friends-“

“But at the rate you’re going, that’ll easily turn into more,” I pushed, “I know it seems casual now, but you know how he felt about you three years ago, Tate. He never told you but you know how passionate his feelings were about you. You had some idea, right?”

She blushed and nodded. “He was in love with me since high school.”

“Exactly- who’s to say that they weren’t or haven’t already resurfaced?” I said, raising an eyebrow at her. “He’s got you where he wants you- single and going out with him.”

“Okay there’s also the fact that he’s dating other girls,” Tate stated, “and that I’d rather get back together with my jerk of an ex before starting something with my childhood best friend. Leighton I don’t think you understand that he’s never fully forgiven me for bailing on him and choosing Garrett.” She said softly. “He’s no longer interested in me like that.”

“So why do you go on dates with him?” I sighed in confusion as I sank down in my computer chair. “Shed some light for me.”

“They’re not dates,” she said firmly, taking a sip from her mug. “Slowly, we’re trying to rebuild our relationship back to the way it was. I hurt him, a lot. It takes quite a bit of time to repair what we’d damaged. We were sleeping together, Lei, I mean I cheated on Garrett with his best friend.” She scoffed, as if I was unaware. “The realisation hit me like a tidal wave- I deserve not to have kids after what I did to him.”

I sent her a look, unable to stop myself from glancing over at Lucas. “Don’t say that, Tate. You made mistakes, but so did they. All of you were to blame for what happened, but you deserve to be happy. And to be honest, I don’t know if hooking up with Garrett is going to do that.” I admitted, sitting back.

“I am happy,” she said softly, offering a small smile. “I have both of my boys. I’m happy right now.”

I sighed but took her word for it. I guess different things made different people happy and I just had to understand that. I mean, I didn’t think I’d ever be happy with a child as I went through the worst stage of my pregnancy without John, but a few months later, seeing my son for the first time ever, I started crying because I was so happy and I’d never felt that much compassion in my heart. Ever.

I didn’t even know feeling that much love was possible.

But I was so thankful it was.

***

JOHN’S POV

“Dude we need to track the rest of the song!” Garrett insisted, running a hand through his long, unruly hair. He really needed to get back together with Tate so she could fix that for him. I almost wanted to cut it myself. “It’ll only take an hour, tops.”

“I’m already twenty minutes late!” I threw back, as I tried to leave the studio. I’d told the guys I needed to be home earlier and they said they understood, but I guess they were just like me once they were in the zone and I couldn’t blame them. The creative juices were really flowing for this EP like they never had before and it was exciting for all of us.

“Come on man, just call Leighton and explain that you’ll be a little longer.” Kennedy said calmly, trying to persuade me.

“Guy I really can’t, Lucas will be in a mood and she’ll be exhausted. She’s got a busy day tomorrow too so she can’t have a late night.” I explained, “she’ll kill me if I call.”

“Guys let him go, he’s got a kid to think about.” Jared said, finally coming to my rescue. I know he wanted me to stay also, but didn’t push it because he knew how easily I cracked these days. He knew how me and Lei worked and he knew how hard it could get sometimes with Lucas. He understood me and the way my life worked and that was why I was so thankful to call him one of my best friends.

“I’ll be in tomorrow and we can track the whole thing tomorrow,” I insisted as I threw my things into my satchel.

“Whatever man,” Garrett sighed, turning back to the mixing board.

“Dude-“

“We knew things were gonna change.” He shrugged obnoxiously, as if this was my fault.

I rolled my eyes and resisted the urge to flip him off before saying my goodbyes to the guys. I get that he was stressed a lot of the time, but it wasn’t my fault he was having personal issues. Really I thought he should have just left Tate years ago when she cheated on him with some scumbag. She’s not worth the emotional distress he’s going through and she’s not worth the shit we’re getting put through because he’s stressed out. Me and her didn’t really see eye to eye anymore and I was not going start fixing that relationship. Bros before their hoes, that’s what I say. Of course mine comes before the bros but that’s because I’ve got a little dude to think about, like Jared said.

I headed out into my truck and sighed once I was alone. I ran a hand through my hair but stopped when I noticed it was shaking. I frowned and flexed it in front of me. Why was this happening again? I reached forward and fumbled through the glove box in front of me for the pills Dr. Adams had given me for this exact reason. My anxiety was mild, but obvious enough that I needed medication to treat it. Popping two into my mouth, I downed them dry before turning on the engine and beginning my drive home.

I wasn’t telling Leighton about the anxiety because it wasn’t honestly that big of a deal. She was getting more busy with work and I didn’t want her to have to worry about me like she worries about Lucas. It’s not supposed to be like that.
I got home a short time later, parking on the grass outside of our loft. So far, our home hadn’t been burdened with anything on my behalf, apart from Lucas, who I wouldn’t exactly call a burden. Heading up to the front door, I felt nervous, that Leighton would be mad I wasn’t home sooner. I locked the door behind me and made my way to the main living area where I found dinner on the table and the two of them sitting at either end. I see he was in my spot, something he apparently did all the time when I was on tour. Leighton told me he liked to ‘take my place’ and act like the ‘man of the house’ in order to protect her. I thought it was adorable, and that I was doing something right that he knew he always had to protect his mom first.

“D-daddy!” Lucas squealed, raising his hands.

“Hey nugget,” I chuckled, leaning down to kiss the top of his head, before making my way over to Leighton, who I kissed quickly on the lips. “Hey darlin’, sorry I’m late.”

“I didn’t even notice,” she admitted, taking a sip of her wine. “Sit down babe, your foods’ still hot. Bubba move for daddy-“

“No, no, that’s fine,” I assured, taking Lucas’ normal spot. It felt weird but my OCD had decreased over the past few years so I wasn’t too attached to my place at the table. “How was your day?” I asked her as I tucked into her cooking. She was almost as good as my mom, which was saying a lot.

“Busy,” she nodded, “the shoot is tomorrow, but I’m worried about taking him with me.” She murmured, nodding towards Lucas who was struggling with his broccoli.

“Why is that?” I asked, leaning over and taking Lucas’ baby cutlery and cutting it up for him. I held it out for him and he pulled a face at me.

“Because it’s just not the right place for a two year old. I know you can’t take him, so I’m going to have to ask Porter, or Hilary. I know it’s not a big deal but I’m stressing a lot right now.” She sighed.

I bit my lip, feeling bad for her. I know this stress was normal with your first kid but I hated seeing her like that. “I’ll take him. I’ll sort it out with one of the girls- or even Austin.”

She looked up, relief setting in. “Really?”

I nodded. “I’ll call around after dinner, it’ll be fine.” I reapplied my attention onto Lucas, who still hadn’t eaten his broccoli. “C’mon bud, eat this for daddy? Mama made it special for you.”

Lucas shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. “Yucky.”

“Hey, don’t say that, you’ll hurt mama’s feelings.” I warned, giving him a stern look. “Eat it please, Lucas.”

He gave me a challenging look and it reminded me of how I used to act up in front of my own parents. God, he was too much like me. “No.”

“John, stay calm.” She murmured, caressing my thigh under the table. To be honest that did other things than keep me calm.

“Lucas I’m going to ask you again. If you don’t eat that, you’ll go straight to your room.” I threatened. “The choice is yours.”

“Baby do as daddy says.” Leighton said firmly, backing me up. I didn’t care if we were being ‘harsh’. He had to learn to eat all of his food and that wouldn’t happen if we showed him any mercy.

“N-no!” Lucas screamed, throwing his fork at me, which luckily, I dodged.

I stood immediately, lifting him into my arms. “That’s it, you’re going to your room.” I scoffed, trying to restrain his violent advances. “You don’t throw things at the table! And not at me!” I yelled, trying to scare him a little.

“No! Lemme go!” He shouted, punching at my chest. I could take the beating, it’s just his kicks I was scared of with his feet dangerously close to my crotch.

I got to his room and opened the door, placing him on the ground. He ran back to me to start throwing punches and kicks, trying to hurt me in anyway possible. “Lucas Cornelius!” I snapped, pushing him back. “Stop being so naughty!”

“Y-you’re so mean!” He screamed, hitting me repeatedly on the thigh.

Leighton came in behind me, scooping Lucas up in her arms. “What did you just say?” She asked firmly.
“Lucas? Why are you acting like this? Daddy’s not being mean, you are. Nobody likes a mean person and that’s what you are right now.” She stated. “You need to calm down, and stop-“

I was stunned the moment he raised his hand, and shocked when I heard the sound of him slap Leighton across the face. My jaw dropped, as did Leighton’s. I know it was just a baby slap, just a small child, but he’d done it to me and now he’d done it to his mother. Although it probably physically didn’t hurt, I know it did emotionally. She handed him to me before leaving the room in silence.

I looked down at the little boy and sighed, putting him on his bed. “I’m so disappointed with you, Lucas. I can’t believe you did that to mommy. You better think about what you’ve done because you’re not coming out until morning.” I said finally, before walking out and closing the door behind me.

I found Leighton standing in the hall, tears filling her eyes. “C’mere bub,” I sighed, pulling her into my arms. I hated when she cried because years ago it was always because of me and even though it’s not right now, the feeling is still there. “You okay?”

“It didn’t hurt, I’m just…so shocked,” she sniffed, wrapping her arms around my waist. “I can’t believe our son…I can’t believe he’s hitting people- he did it to you, who’s he going to do it to next? Am I a bad mother, John?” She asked, pulling back.

My heart broke when I saw her make up smeared eyes. How could she think such a thing? I pushed my hand through her hair and kissed her forehead. “You are the most amazing mom to him. And you’re teaching me how to be a father. Don’t ever think you’re a bad mother, you understand?” I murmured.

“C’mon, let’s take a bath, calm you down.”

“But what about-“

“He’s not coming out for the rest of the night. He can think about what he’s done.” I scoffed.

“Don’t you think that’s a little-“

“Mean?”

She playfully rolled her eyes. “Alright, it’s a fair enough punishment. I’m proud of the way you handled that, baby.” She added, pulling me down tour the bathroom. “You’re definitely getting better.”

“I hope so,” I mused, shamelessly checking her out as she bent over to turn on the water. She turned around and pulled my shirt over my torso, running her hands along my bare chest. “Are you seriously okay?” I asked, in regards to what just happened.

“I need to think about it, but yeah I’ll be okay.” She nodded softly, kissing my cheek. “I love you.” She murmured as she unbuttoned my jeans and slid her hands down the front of them.

I swallowed thickly and nodded.

“I love you too.”

***

The following morning, I woke up early, yet alone. John had left a message saying he’d taken Lucas to Jared and Porter’s, and would pick him up after his day at the studio because he was dropping Jared off. I was somewhat relieved that he’d dealt with the situation but at the same time I wanted to talk to Lucas about last night.

I was upset by his actions and completely thrown off. Was I naïve to think that him hitting John would be the only time it would happen? Hopefully it was something he would grow out of and I would be able to blame it on the ‘terrible twos’ stage he was going through. It only made me want three to come quicker, even though that meant John would be turning twenty eight and only a short time after, myself twenty five.

Something I did notice last night, was how calm John was when dealing with Lucas. He’d dealt with the situation a lot better than he did a few days ago, and I was proud that he was changing his actions and actually listening to my advice. His parenting skills were increasing with every day and every tantrum and I was so proud of him.

I looked over at the clock and sighed when it read six. I had to be on location in an hour, and it took at least twenty minutes to get through the traffic so I’d be grabbing breakfast on the way in without a doubt.

I get ready in about fifteen minutes, changing into a pair of light blue skinny jeans and a cropped black t-shirt. I pulled on my basic black platforms before fixing my hair and make up and heading down the hall to get my things to go. I was impressed to see the kitchen was cleared up and everything from dinner was put away. Just the little things that made everyday living easier for me is what I appreciated from him.

When I got to the shoot, I could see everyone was already setting up and our chosen models were in hair and make up, ready to get onto the set. I walked over to where Tim was standing with Dirk and Caleb, running through the day’s agenda.

“Morning Lei, you ready for a busy day?” Tim asked, rubbing his hands together, clearly pumped.
“Born ready!” I exclaimed, mocking his enthusiasm.

He rolled his eyes but grinned nonetheless. “Great, now it’s hopefully not going to be a late finish, so after this we can all go, I just need Dirk to come back to 8123 and we’ll go through the photos then email them for you to go through tonight Lei, and send me back the ones for the website.”

I nodded. “That’s fine.”

“Great- and for today’s shoot, Caleb will be running the agenda so every order is to be followed as he says. But of course Caleb, if Leighton notices anything is wrong or any mistakes take on board her advice and obviously ask any questions you have.” Tim said, patting Caleb on the back. He was a really good leader, I’ll give him that.

“For sure,” Caleb nodded, looking over his agenda. “So we’re gonna start in five minutes, which means Lei, you need to check the models are all ready to go.”

I nodded and headed over to where I was needed. I checked the make up and that the styling had been done according to the brief that we’d given them. In the past few years Tate had gone back to community college in order to study beauty and styling, and was now the head of our make up and styling team, which I think was what she needed after breaking up with Garrett- something that she could take on board and devote all of her time to, which she seemed to be doing with no problem at all.

I spent the rest of the day taking orders from Caleb and reliving my glory days from the early shoots I used to do at the beginning of my job. It was good to watch him use the skills I’d instilled into him for the past three years, almost rewarding to see that my words hadn’t gone to waste.

I stood beside Dirk and watched as the models moved about in the new merch designs, really quite impressed with the line we’d designed. I know it’d been busy lately and everyone was going through their own personal issues, but I was really proud of what we’d put out. Tim’s words and praise were only starting to hit me now.

Speaking of the devil, he must have read my thoughts, because he put his arm around me and leant down to my ear.

“You did good this year, Johnson.” He nodded.

“We’re only halfway-“

“Well I guess you did really good,” he chuckled, cutting me off. “it’s only going to get more intense as we change seasons and we bring on the new band to the label, but I know you’ll be able to handle it. You’ve been running this department for what’s coming up to five years and you definitely deserve the recognition for that.”

I sent him a look. “You know I’m only half as good as how good this team is. Have you seen Caleb’s efforts? I can’t believe we took him on when he was only nineteen and he’s already blossomed into what he’s capable of now. It’s amazing.”

“It is amazing,” Tim nodded, “but that’s because you’ve been an amazing teacher.”

I blushed, nudging him. I liked to be the one giving the praise, receiving it on behalf of my team just made me feel uncomfortable. “Thank you.”

“Speaking of which, we’re having a staff party soon. Well, an 8123 party to celebrate the sixth anniversary for 8123, and the fifth for you guys- and don’t forget the store, that’s turning one. You’re a big part of the company- if not the biggest- and you all deserve the recognition.” Tim said finally.

I pulled him in for a hug. “You’re going to make me cry, Kirch.” I chucked, feeling my emotions run high.

“I like my staff to know that they’re appreciated.” He chuckled, rubbing my back as we pulled away. “Especially the ones that spend late nights in the office with a one year old, even when their other half is on tour.” He mused, sending me a look. “No matter how hard I want to kick you out the door.”

“Oh you’ll never get rid of me,” I chuckled, “I’ll be around you forever.”

“I hope that means we either grow incredibly, or you move on to bigger and better things.” He laughed, shaking his head. “I don’t want to restrain all of that capability.”

“Then I guess we’ve got to push this company up in the world, huh?” I teased, “What do you think about that Kirch?”

“Hmm…world domination? I think we’ll add that to next month’s meeting agenda.” He nodded, sending me a smirk.

World domination?

Sounds good to me.

***

“That’s a wrap!”

We all cheered and offered rounds of high-fives to the models and the crew, our way of winding down and letting the adrenalin out. Shoots could be tiring, but they could also be a lot of standing around and waiting before sending the next model on, so there wasn’t a lot of running around.

We clear up the set, which takes about another hour or so, and a half hour to get the equipment back to the offices. By the time we actually get out of there, it’s easily half past six, meaning John should be done in the studio and either on his way to get Lucas, or already at home and if I was lucky, he’d be cooking dinner. He wasn’t the greatest cook in the world, but when I was pregnant we went to his mom and dads’ a lot so Jenny could teach the both of us how to cook a few meals for when we had our dinner together as a family. I couldn’t thank her enough for the basic skills and recipes, because they’d definitely helped a lot in the past when we were struggling to grow up into mature adults/parents.

I’m so relieved to get home that when I finally do, I can’t stop the smile the graced my lips. We’d talk about the drama last night later on, because all I wanted to do now, was be with my boys. Noticing John’s truck wasn’t in the driveway, I frowned as I opened the door to a quiet loft.

“John! Lucas!” I call through the loft, closing the door behind me. I dropped my bag onto the kitchen bench and looked around the main living quarters. The place was quiet, and I sighed. That only meant that John was still at the studio and hadn’t yet picked up Lucas. Hastily, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialled his number, waiting for him to answer.

He better have a good ass reason for this.

“Hello?”

“Hey baby, where are you?” I asked abruptly, pinching the bridge of my nose. “You said you’d be home.”

“Oh shit, are you home already?” He asked, sounding generally surprised.

“I am,” I mumbled, feeling bad for getting hasty when it was an honest mistake. “Where are you?”

“I forgot to ask when you were finishing. I’m still at the studio. I’ll leave now though and get Lukey and we’ll be home shortly. I’m really sorry babe.” He sighed, and I could hear that he was stressed.

“Hey don’t worry, I understand,” I said calmly, “it happens, John. Can you pick something up for dinner on the way home? The past few days have run me out.”

“Yeah no worries hun, I’ll see you soon. Love you.”

“Love you too.” We hung up and I let out a deep sigh of relief. I guess it was going to take time for him to start actually committing to the hours he’d set when they’d just gotten into the studio. I understood the process having gone through it quite a few times, but I could never ignore the loneliness or the slight feel of neglect when he would commit more time to the studio than to me. I know it was selfish, but I couldn’t help it.

But I knew it was going to be different this time around because of Lucas. John’s been in the studio when Lucas was younger, but even they were short demos that took a few hours at the most, so this would be new to him. I didn’t want him to feel the same way I did, or give me hell because of it.
But at the same time, I knew John needed this. He may be a twenty-eight year old man with a child, but he was still struggling with the same illness he had been dealing with since he was twenty-four, and sure, he’d gotten a better grasp on it, but it hadn’t gone away.

I swear he’s woken up through the night just as many times as Lucas has, each time I’ve had to calm him down and not let the tears provoke tears of my own.

This was just the hard part.