White Walls

“I’m sorry Miss Johnson, you don’t have a choice if you want a safe delivery. This is the only way to ensure that.” The nurse informed me as I went through the deep breathing exercises.

“Lei, listen to the doctors, they know what they’re talking about,” John pushed, holding my hand and running a hand through my hair as he sat beside me on the hospital bed.

“I don’t want to be out cold!” I fought back, not listening to him. “Other moms get to be awake when they have c-sections! Why can’t I?! This isn't what I want!” It was totally unfair. I knew I’d have to have a c-section but nobody ever said anything about being unconscious. I know that’s not how it usually worked so I don’t know why I was being given ‘special treatment’.

“Miss Johnson due to your physical state and other health issues, you being conscious isn’t an option. We’re going to set in the drugs that will put you to sleep for the duration of the surgery and when you wake up-“

“But why can’t you just give me the numbing drugs?!” I snapped, letting my hormones get the best of me.

“Because your body will still be going through the physical stress that you won’t be able to handle, we strongly advise you follow our instructions.” The nurse pushed.

Something clicked in my mind. “You mean I have a choice to go against what you’re saying?” I challenged.

“Leighton…” John warned.

“Legally, yes.” The nurse winced.

“So what’s the worst that’ll happen if I don’t-“

“Both you and your childs’ survival rates decrease by fifty percent.”

If she hadn’t said that, I probably never would have realised the severity of my health problems. Why me? Why did one of the greatest things you can possibly witness have to be something that could quite possibly destroy my childs’ life?

I felt the tears fill the back of my eyes. I know I didn’t have a choice.

“Leighton, baby I know this is hard, but I want you to be safe- I don’t want to do this alone and I don’t want to lose him.” John murmured against the side of my head. “I need you baby.”

I nodded slowly, looking at his hands that were tightly gripping mine. They were shaking. His were, not mine. His shook a lot. “Okay, I’ll do it.”

That was probably the biggest decision I’d ever make in my life.

And now this one seemed to almost top that one.

“Oh my god Leighton, it’s not a big deal!”

I stared at Hilary like she hadn’t just been listening to my ranting that morning. “This is a massive deal!”

“You’re hung up on a cake flavour for John and Lucas’ party. I say you get half and half.” She declared, raising her hands in defeat.

“I can’t do that,” I mumbled, “how will we know which is which? Y’know what, I’ll get Lucas’ favourite flavour. John won’t mind-“

“John also hates strawberries.” Hilary stated, “I know this because he really hates strawberries.”

I groaned. “Maybe I’ll get cupcakes. Hil, you’re not helping!”

She hid a smirk behind the mug as she lifted it to her lips. “I came for the French toast, you should know me better.”

I rolled my eyes playfully and sat back in my seat. I’d asked her out for breakfast at one of our local cafes because I was having trouble planning the boys’ party as August was only a month away and I was severely running out of time. Turns out the only chance we had was a Saturday morning- the Saturday before the Sunday, on which Tim had planned the company party, that was certain to be a rager to the early hours of the morning- a morning we usually had to work on. He’d already excused our Monday, which worked out fine for the rest of us.

But, I also wanted to catch up on how she was going with Alex and Austin. Of course, I brought the topic to her attention and she sighed.

“I don’t even want to think about him, babe,” she shook her head in refusal. “He’s got her today, because he’s going out tonight with the boys so I’ll have her tonight.”

“Sounds like a custody battle.” I mused.

“It sure feels like it,” she mused, playing with her mug. “Sometimes I feel like getting married was a mistake.”

My eyes widened. Never did I think I’d hear her say that. Austin and Hilary were supposed to be the super couple- they were great parents and they were so sweet together. So hearing that she regretted their marriage was a huge blow to my confidence in marrying John. Y’know, if he ever asked.

“You’re not serious, are you?” Was all I managed to get out; that’s how shocked I was. “But you got an amazing daughter because of it.”

“Oh god don’t get me wrong, Alexandra was the best thing to happen to me, period. And…y’know when I first married Austin and even before that, that’s what I used to say about him, y’know? I mean you remember all the times we’d catch up and I couldn’t shut up about him? It’s not like that anymore.” She let out a shaky sigh. “I don’t say that about him anymore and I should, but there’s nothing behind those words. There hasn’t been for a really long time.”

I looked at her, waiting for her to keep going. When she didn’t, I pushed it. “How long?”

“A few months after she was born.”

I winced. “I’m sorry Hil. I only thought this was a recent thing.”

“Well it’s not exactly an easy thing to talk about,” she shrugged to herself. “Hence the fact that he won’t
even consider going to therapy with me.”

“He’s really not open to fixing things, huh?”

“It’s not that, he’s just really closed off towards me,” she frowned, “which is really strange- he doesn’t openly talk to me and he fights me on a lot of things but he hasn’t made any effort to end things so I don’t know what the hell he’s thinking.”

“Have you asked him?” I tried carefully. I knew what it was like to be poked and prodded about my relationship.

She let out a laugh, shaking her head as if I was being ridiculous. I hadn’t seen her smile for a while. Even if it was at my own expense. “Oh god, if I did that, I’d be asking for a divorce.”

My eyes widened at her statement and she bit down on her lip nervously. “Hil…”

“It’s okay though, he’d never do it. He doesn’t have the guts to after his dad left his mom when he was a kid. That was one of his vows- he told me the night before the wedding that he’d never treat me like his dad treated his family. It’s not me he’s proving to, it’s his fucking father.” She muttered, like a sudden realisation was setting over her. “That’s what I really think it is.”

“Well then that’s his own problems that he needs to sort out, isn’t it?” I suggested. That’s what I’d say to John, if he was having those issues and we were married, I’d be-

“Wow, Leighton if you want to marry John, you need to understand that there’s no such thing as individual problems- sure you may go through your own stuff, but these problems are things you talk about with your husband that you sort out together.” She stated, like I should have known that already.

Was I really that oblivious as to what makes a healthy relationship?

“I mean you guys tell each other everything, so you should have no-“ she stopped when she saw the hesitation on my face. “Lei…” She groaned.

I winced. “There’s some things he doesn’t need to know, Hil. I mean that’s understandable, right?” I tried, hoping she’d just agree with me and move on.

“You’re talking about the medication, aren’t you?” She tested, narrowing her eyes. “He doesn’t know you’re on medication too.”

I sighed, sitting back and shaking my head. Alright, time for an explanation. After Lucas was born, I lost the baby weight a little too fast than what was normal. At first, I thought it was because I was naturally thin, but when I started to realise that I was having trouble digesting and keeping down my food, I went in to see a doctor. It turns out, I had a form of anorexia, one that I couldn’t control. It also came down to my metabolism, that’d been thrown out of wack during the pregnancy. I wasn’t necessarily skeletal, but I was the thinnest I’d been in years. John didn’t seem to notice because we both went through that stage where we were having trouble managing our weight, but he got on top of his when Lucas was younger and mine…well it never seemed to improve. It wasn’t like I was throwing up meals and constantly worrying about my appearance, it was just an imbalance thing that I couldn’t control. Well, not without medication. I was on two different types, because I had anxiety as well but I kept that to myself, rather than telling John because by that time he was still trying to get over the fact that…well people knew about his past and I didn’t want to burden him with my problems.

So therefore I kept it to myself. Only Hilary knew because at the start I needed someone else to come with me to the appointments, and I figured it was safer if Hil did rather than Tate or Jac. I’d also told Jenny because I’d tried to cut myself out of the health insurance but she insisted no such thing and claimed that I was family and it was a family account.

“He doesn’t need to know about that- we’ve been through this, Hil.” I sighed, shaking my head.

“I still don’t think its right,” she dismissed, sending me a knowing look. “You’ve got an illness- he deserves to know about it. I mean you’re a part of the same medical insurance, how does he not know?”

“I’m a part of his family’s, Jenny knows, but that’s it,” I said firmly, as if trying to remind her of her promise to keep this a secret. “It’s just better this way.”

She sighed, shaking her head at me. “Whatever you do, don’t get married with secrets. It’s the worst possible thing you could do.”

Well I guess we wouldn’t be getting married anytime soon.

***

Later that afternoon, after my long talk with Hilary (and after I’d been to the chemist to get my medication refilled) I made my way home to see my boys. I found them on the couch watching a movie. Lucas was laying with his head in John’s lap, who looked on the verge of sleep as he sat through an animated Disney movie for the sake of his sons’ happiness.

John looked up as I closed the front door quietly behind me. “Hey darlin’,” he yawned, “nice breakfast?”

I walked over to the back of the couch and leant down, kissing him softly. “Yeah it was good, what about you two?”

“He dragged me out of bed to watch Bambi,” John mused, looking down at Lucas, who was more enthralled by the movie than our words. “Look Lei, he’s still sucking his thumb.”

I pouted. “He’s so adorable, babe.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s a bad thing.” John stated, sending me a look.

“Leave him alone, he’s only a toddler.” I scoffed, slapping his arm lightly. “Hey Lukey.” I cooed, rubbing his arm.

He jumped up, holding his arms out for me. I lifted him over the couch and looked at him. “Hey bubba, how are you?”

“Good,” he murmured into my shoulder.

John reached up and tapped Lucas on the arm, sending him a look. “Don’t you have something to say to mommy?”

Lucas looked up at me, a pout pulling on his lips. “I’m s-s-sorry mama…” he drawled out, his lip quivering. “I’m s-sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” John pushed expectantly. He really wasn’t letting him off easy. I know that the moment I did, this wouldn’t mean anything to Lucas and that’s not what we wanted.

“For h-hitting you and for h-hurting d-daddy’s bag-g.” He whimpered, hiding his face in my chest.

Lifting him into my arms, I kissed his forehead. “Thank you Lucas, that means a lot to mommy.”

“If you ever do something like that again, you’ll be in big big trouble, y’hear?” John warned sternly.

Lucas nodded quickly. “Y-yes d-dada.”

I rubbed his back soothingly. “Good boy. You wanna help mama make cookies?” I tempted, pulling back.

He beamed and nodded quickly. “Yes!”

“What about Bambi?” John frowned, slightly ‘offended’ that Lucas was so quick to ditch him and his own favourite movie.

“You c-can still watch B-ba-ba-“

“Slow down bub,” I cooed. “Say it slowly- bam-bi.”

Lucas copied my voice and smiled at the end, proud of himself for the pronunciation. “C-can we mak-ke cookies now?”

“We certainly can, daddy do you want to help?” I asked, looking over at John.

“Only if I get to lick the spoon,” John smirked, getting up off of the couch.

“Well okay, but I figured you’d prefer me to.” I threw back quietly, before walking over to the kitchen with Lucas in my arms.

“Miss Johnson…” I heard John tut behind me.

We got stuck into making the cookies and it turned out to be a really enjoyable afternoon. The camera I got John for his 25th just happened to be lying around so I took a few photos of the two baking together that we’d eventually get developed and put on our main wall in the entrance of our loft.
“So what are our plans tonight?” I asked as we washed up, leaving Lucas to finish his movie a few metres away on the couch. Well, I cleaned up, John played around with his camera as he sat on the kitchen bench.

“I uh, have Austin and Eric coming round for drinks, if that’s alright.” John informed me, looking up to make eye contact.

My eyes shot up when I heard his name. “Austin, huh?”

“Don’t Lei,” John sighed, shaking his head.

“Don’t what?” I shrugged innocently, turning back to the sink in front of me. “I was just saying.”

John sent me a knowing look. “You’re on Hilary’s side and you’re mad at me for being loyal to Austin.”

“I’m not-“ I sighed, “I’m not mad at you, I just don’t get how you could support him.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” John asked, now taking his turn at playing the innocent card.

I hesitated. I didn’t want to be the one to spill Hil’s feelings and have them leaked to Austin. I didn’t want to say anything that wasn’t my place to say.

“Leighton?” John pried expectantly.

“I can’t, she told me things in confidence,” I pouted, trying my best to avoid eye contact as he pulled me in between his legs by the wrist. “John, I can’t.”

“C’mon, I’m not going to tell him- I’ll tell you what he told me-“

“Don’t you dare,” I warned, pointing at him sternly. “You know I’ll spill to her and make everything worse.”

He chuckled but nodded. “Alright fine.”

I kissed him quickly. “Thank you. We just have to let them deal with this themselves, okay? We can support them, we just can’t interfere.”

“Wow. You really grew up these past three years,” John teased, pulling me back to kiss me again. “Huh? Mrs. Mature.”

I’d rather be Mrs. O’Callaghan, to be honest.

“Yeah, well when you have a baby there’s a few big steps you have to make.” I stated, throwing the kitchen towel onto the bench and wrapping my arms around his neck. Hopefully he’d take a hint.

“Sometimes I still can’t believe we have a little dude,” he chuckled, staring down at my lips. “I can’t believe I made you a mom at twenty two.”

“Yeah, my dad hated you as soon as he found out,” I smirked, kissing those thin lips again. God they never stopped being so addicting. “But in all seriousness, he’s like the best thing to ever happen to you, right?” I gushed.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me because you gave me him.” John murmured sweetly.

I pouted, pulling on his bottom lip with my finger. “You’re a sweetheart, y’know that?”

“So sweet you’ll make me burritos for dinner?” He tried cheekily.

I rolled my eyes playfully and nodded. “Only for you, O’Callaghan.”

“Thank you, Johnson.” He smirked back, pulling me in for a hug.

I heard Lucas imitate our last names as he mindlessly watched his movie. I cringed.

I was so over my last name.

***

It was around seven thirty when everyone came around- and by everyone, I meant Austin and Eric, which included Jac. The boys headed out to drink on the back porch and talk, whilst Jac and I sat at the kitchen bench with a bottle of wine. Lucas sat between us putting together some sort of puzzle that we occasionally helped him on, though he seemed adamant in doing it himself. Originally he wanted to go outside and be with John, but the boys were smoking and I didn’t want him around that, neither did John. I also figured he needed a bit of a break after the past few weeks of non-stop tantrums. It was good for me though, because Lucas was behaving himself and nice and quiet as me and Jac chatted, mostly about her and Eric’s wedding plans.

“So we’re thinking Scottsdale?” She nodded, “Just at one of the golf courses.”

My eyes widened. “Shit, Scottsdale?” I quickly excused my language when Lucas shot me a threatening look (it was more adorable than threatening, let’s be honest).

She blushed and nodded. “I know, but he chose it. As you know, the Halvorsen family is quite large so we needed a big venue.”

“And the Carrington family?” I piped up, knowing it wasn’t a good story. She’d never gotten on with her mother or the women in her family. She was an only child and only really related to her father and his brothers.

“When I told my mom Eric and I were engaged, she laughed,” she admitted, nodding shamefully. “God,
she laughed in my face- I made the trip out there to tell her and she laughed at me.”

A look of pity crossed my face. “You’re not serious- why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“I mean who wants to admit to that? It’s embarrassing.” She sighed, her eyes getting watery, “I didn’t even bother inviting her. You know what she said about Eric? Do you- no, I can’t even.” She shook her head. “It was awful, I couldn’t stop crying on the way home because she refused to talk more about it. She told me to leave.”

Lucas looked up as Jac’s voice shook. He frowned and leaned over to wrap her arms around her waist.

“Aunt J-Jacky why are y-you cry-crying?” He pouted.

It was hard to be upset when that little face was staring up at you. Jac wiped her eyes and a chuckle escaped from her lips as she pulled Lucas into her arms. “I’m okay Lukey, don’t you worry about me. Hey, you know when Uncle Eric and I get married, you get to wear a suit to our wedding, just like your daddy and all your other uncles. That’s pretty cool, huh?”

Lucas’ eyes widened and he turned to me. “Do I really mama?”

I nodded, a smile growing on my lips. “You sure do bud.”

Lucas cheered happily before returning to his puzzle.

“It’s going to be okay,” I sighed, sending her a sympathetic look. “You don’t need her there. What about your dad? What did he say?”

A small smile grew on her lips. “He was so happy,” she chuckled, taking a deep breath. “Like, really happy. I thought he was going to kiss Eric.” She laughed, shaking her head. “He’s so happy because he gets on really well with Eric.”

“I guess it helps they both play music for a living.” I nodded, happy about her dads’ response. “You don’t need your mom anyway, Jac. She doesn’t deserve to be there.”

“Yeah you’re right,” she sighed, “I guess it just would’ve been nice to have my mother at my wedding, but as long as Eric and I get married, that’s all that matters.” She said, ending on a positive note.

“Exactly!” I nodded, raising my glass to her. “To Halvo, for finally popping the question.” I teased.

“To my boo,” she laughed, raising her glass and downing the rest of it. “God love you, Lei.”

JOHN’S POV

“I don’t know what she wants me to do man,” Austin sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration. I felt bad for the guy, I really did. “She’s just…ugh, she fucking hates me, that’s the bottom line.”

“She doesn’t hate you,” Halvo scoffed, taking a swig of his beer. “I mean come on dude, you guys are crazy in love. Remember your wedding? You guys were so happy.”

“Yeah, and then we had Alex, and we started to forget about loving each other.” He winced, more so to himself. He was hiding something. He was definitely hiding something.

“You said she was the best thing that ever happened to you.” I tested, deliberately dropping out his girls’ names.

“Don’t get me wrong, Alex is the greatest thing about my life, hands down,” Austin nodded. Okay, so when you say what’s the ‘best thing’, he immediately goes to Alex. That was understandable, because it was his little girl. I knew how that felt with Lucas. But, it was slightly different. Leighton is the best thing that ever happened to me because she gave me Lucas, who is the best thing that ever happened to us. I don’t know how I went twenty five years without that little boy.

“But,” Austin continued, “things were falling apart before I even found out Hil was pregnant.”

“Shit, all the way back then?” Halvo frowned.

“They were falling apart with me, I fucked up in my own life and eventually, I’ve put that onto Hil and that’s where we are now.” He sighed, rubbing his face. This wasn’t making any sense.

“What like with your family?” I asked, slightly confused.

Austin shrugged and nodded. “Yeah, my dad tried to take money from my mom, he tried to get in contact with my brother and sister- it’s just been tough and I didn’t want to put her through that so I kept it to myself. That among other stuff.”

He seemed closed off towards the ‘other stuff’ so I didn’t want to push it. But, he was sounding a lot like myself with the ‘keeping it to myself’ part. It was only through him that I realised how wrong that was.

“You can’t be like that,” I said, shaking my head, before turning to Halvo. “And you can’t either when you marry Jac. If you’re committing to a relationship like marriage, you’ve got to be all in, there’s no excuse. I had to come clean with Lei about everything- and I held off for a really long time and you all saw what happened there.” I winced, running a hand through my hair. “You just gotta talk to them. You can’t keep secrets and shit. That’s not how a marriage is built.”

“And you would know how a marriage is built.” Halvo stated sarcastically.

“Don’t-“

“Yeah speaking of which, why haven’t you married Leighton?” Austin frowned, pulling a cigarette from his pack and lighting up. Oh, like that was the most casual conversation ever. “It’s been like, five years- plus you have a baby with her.”

“He’s not a baby, he’s almost three,” I scoffed, rolling my eyes. “I don’t know, I don’t think she wants to marry me. I don’t blame her.”

“Dude of course she wants to marry you,” Halvo shot back, “at dinner when we told you guys we were engaged you said it was her call.”

“Oh god you didn’t,” Austin groaned, dropping his head back.

I bit my lip. “That’s me being considerate of her feelings-“

“You don’t tell a girl marriage is ‘her call’!” Austin exclaimed, “you figure out what the hell you want and then you ask her!”

“But I don’t know what I want!” I threw back, keeping my voice down.

“It’s not that hard- Halvo wants great wedding night sex so he’s sucking up with a fancy wedding, and I want mine to actually give a fuck about me.” Austin retorted negatively.

“Yeah you do, man,” Halvo nodded, shooting Austin a threatening look. “You want to marry her- but, you’re afraid of fucking it up because of your disorder, and the medication, and the mood swings- you’re still not comfortable giving her all of that.”

“Yeah okay, we’re not talking about this anymore,” I said firmly, reaching for another beer from the table and cracking it open. I didn’t care about Dr. Adams’ ‘drinking limit’ tonight. If I puked tomorrow morning, I didn’t give a shit. I just didn’t want to talk about feelings and depression and my tragic childhood past with the boys this late at night. “We’re talking about your problems, not mine.”

And as far as I’m concerned, it was going to stay that way.