Snow

I watch with awe at the white flakes falling from the transparent, grey sky. I love this type of weather; it reminds me so much of myself. The falling snow fills me with this strange, ardent feeling, making my spine tingle. I push both of my shoulders back to make the sensation cease. It could just be the coldness making me want to shiver, but I highly doubt it. I have the fireplace going, the warmth radiating off of it and traveling through the house. I feel this way because of the pot of emotions that the beautiful snowfall is starting to stir. My heart throbs, but it feels heavy, as if the muscle is having trouble doing its usual function of pumping my blood. My eyes remain wet and wide as I admire the frozen precipitation. The meteorological conditions are taking me back to memories of how I used to be, how I was when I had her…

…We had first fallen in love, or rather admitted out loud that we had, last December. I never was the type to believe in love, romantic love, anyway. I thought that it was just some big, made-up scam that society made up as a way to justify their animalistic instincts and actions. I also laughed at people in relationships; how stupid they were. Following the traditions of courting was a complete waste of time if you knew that inevitably you would have no feelings for anyone, or vice-versa. She and I were different, though, we did love and care for each other. I didn’t know how she had managed to do it, to squirm her way into this shrunken, black heart of mine. Hell, I still don’t know, actually. Perhaps, I’ll figure it out on another date, at another time. What mattered was that I was amorous towards her, and I finally found the courage to say it out loud. She told me that she loved me, as well, which surprised me. Many times, we’d been asked about our relationship status. Every time, she would deny that we had a thing going on, just like I always did. When I finally slipped up and said I loved her, actually admitted it after all those years, I sure as hell wasn’t expecting to hear the same thing from her.

That winter ended up being the best winter of my life. During that season, our romance grew in ways it never had previously. I actually began having dreams about what the rest of our lives would be like. It was kind of like watching a movie, where there was a time lapse in between scenes. We would walk and frolic in the snow, like a bunch of children lost in a magical winter wonderland, every day. It was such an amazing time in my life, until it happened. One day it was snowing just a little too hard; all of the previous snowfalls were slow and barely put powder upon the ground, but this snow was heavy. I tried to phone her at home to tell her not to bother coming over because of the conditions. She didn’t pick up; she had already gotten in her car and was on the road. She left the house early because she knew she was going to have to drive slowly in order to be safe, I suppose. The thing was, she didn’t up end up being safe. I received a phone call that she had been in a wreck…a fatal car crash…

…I shut my eyes and shake my head back and forth quickly. I don’t want to think about it anymore. A lot of people say that winter makes people all starry-eyed and sappy. It does the same for me, too, because it makes me think how I used to be. I can’t keep dwelling on the past, though; I know that by doing so, I am only hurting myself. She’d want me to start being happier, anyway. I smile, but it’s an empty one. Maybe I should brew some coffee; it’ll warm up my innards.

I walk into the kitchen. The hardwood floor is cold, obviously. I suppose that wearing a pair of socks isn’t enough on days like this. After the coffee maker starts going, I go to my room and put on my heavy, chain-adorned boots. The intense aroma of coffee beans floats throughout the house; damn, I love that scent. I fix a cup (black, of course) and take it back into the parlor. As I sip carefully, I can’t seem to keep my eyes off of the frosty window.

The weather not only reminds me of my past self; it reminds me of my present self, too. I’m freezing. I don’t mean from the cold, from the chill. I’m figuratively freezing on the inside; I’m cold as snow, cold as ice. I thought my heart was shriveled up before I had met my sweet angel, but now that she has been taken away from me, I’m even worse, now. I’m constantly angry, and I’ve completely withdrawn myself from society. I need no one else. Hell, I want no one else. No other living being could ever compare to her, so why bother letting anyone else in my life? The coldness of winter constantly resides in my heart year-round. Now, I get to witness the same icy feeling that I constantly forced to experience fall mercilessly upon everyone else. The room, well, the entire house goes black. The power just went out; the house is dark. I finish my coffee and put the empty mug back in the kitchen. Well, guess there’s nothing much to do, now. Shivering, I get a flashlight out of the broom closet, and I go to my room to retrieve a blanket and a paperback novel.

I’m sitting in front of the fireplace, wrapped in my thick, blue blanket. I use the flashlight to illuminate the pages of the book in front of me. Usually reading makes me feel better. When I read, I get lost in an imaginary world where I am safe from all of the pain and loneliness in my soul. This time is different, though; I cannot seem to escape to a pretend realm. I am reading the text printed on the pages in front of me, but I can’t seem to comprehend it. My mind can’t attach meanings to the words because all I can focus on is my misery and my lost sweetheart. I keep attempting to read, anyway.

I am now halfway through the book, which I cannot believe. I honestly have no idea where the story is going; my memories of last winter are all swirling about in my head. I yawn; my eyelids become heavy. The warmth from my fireplace is making me drowsy, and there is no use in fighting it. I lay down, and everything disappears as I surrender myself to sleep…

Hey, where am I? Why am I outside? Where’s all the snow? It’s sunny, and the grass is littered with bright, pastel flowers. I see a couple of brown rabbits hopping about in the meadow. The sky is so clear and blue, and I can feel the sun’s warmth upon my skin. Someone gently wraps their arms around me. Normally, I would freak out and push them away. This isn’t a normal situation, though. I can smell her perfume, the perfume that I had given her. Her lips brush against my cheek, and I quiver like crazy. “I love you,” her voice whispers as she turns me to face her. My heart drops; it isn’t her. Her long, brunette hair has been replaced with really short, red hair. Her nose in much wider, her chin rounder. Her frame is one or two sizes slimmer, and she’s now shorter. Looking at her face, I can tell that this isn’t her at all. Who is this woman? I push her away, and as I do, she just vanishes. What is happening?

I am waking up. Oh, it must have been a dream. I rub my eyes. When I’m done, I notice the lights coming back on. I look out the window; the snowstorm is over. I don’t really understand why, but for some reason I feel pretty good. I’m warm, not because of the heat from the fire. I feel like I’m warm on the inside; the ice in my heart is melting.