American Idiot

I've been out here forever. It's September now, but living in California, the weather doesn't very much. I looked up though. The storm clouds hung above me with low rumbles of thunder every now and again. I ducked my head and let all my troubles fill my head. I have been avoiding my gang members and I'm beginning to think I under thought my ability to actually be happy with a life of crime. I thought I could fit in easily and there would be no strings attached. Alas, I'm facing my capability of getting kicked out all together and starting from the bottom up.

In the beginning I also thought Jeramine was my friend. We hung out often and we didn't act like we only knew each other because of our relation through the gang. Wed sit for hours in the warehouse shooting the shit and drinking beer. We were almost brother like. But apparently not enough because I never told him about my past. Ever.

He never knew of Mary-Jane. So he couldn't critique me on my relationship. He never heard of my mom the great nurse and my stepdad the fabulous drunk. He never knew about Tunny, the specialness of the Underground towards me or the tales of my broken home. The only facts he really knew about me was that I was some kind of Jesus to the 7-11 and I was a rather popular cocaine and alcohol dealer. He also knew my favorite color, that my dad had died when I was young, how old I'd been when I joined the Underground. But really? What kind of friendship flowed between us? I glared at the ground as I walked, the first couple cold specks landed on my shoulders.

The others in the group. Briggston, Celsta, they glare down at me. I'll never be as good as them. I'm just the rat that the cat dragged in in their eyes. I'll probably never be official to this group with them, I'll be more of their personal volunteer scout for the city. Thougj the more I think about this gang, the more I'm about to say fuck it, throw in the towel, get in my csr and drive away for a new beginning. Or have I all but forgotten the fact that this is my second time starting off and in the next town I might not have such a big break?

I sighed, sat down on the sidewalk and pulled the crushed pack of cigarettes from my pocket and salvaging a decently round one and lighting it up. I sat there for maybe fifteen minutes and finished most of the pack. Rolling the last on between my fingers in heavy thought when a cold drop on rain landed on my shoulder. I glanced up at the sky. Nearly black with the encroaching clouds. Rain drops fell all around me, staining the surrounding concrete of the street and sidewalk. I took another long drag before I looked up again. Watching the rain fall from the stars. Silent like tears. I was all alone now. I'd driven everyone in my life away. Even the people I didn't love. For what? so I can continue to be the best drug dealer in Suburbia? Hell... I'd give it all up just to be back home. I wouldn't make it tough. I'd sink like a rock, I'd be just as homeless and out of place as I am now.

But I might be able to salvage a small amount of friends there to help me. Though none of those losers at the Undeground had ever seen my weak side. I rarely showed it. These days it shows every day like I wear it like my own flesh. And it sickens me.

But I was angry with myself now. Hope? Was I seriously investing some kind of hope in those drug heads at home? Hope never existed for a guy like me. You were raised with the money your single mother made week to week as a nurse and at her part time job she'd once led at an liquor store. Of course that was where the roots of her partying and drinking began. Guess she could never kick the habit. I am probably just as good off as her now. I have never prayed a day in my life to God for anything because I was so damn independent. And that's not going to get me far. In this world, it's sink or swim. And apparently I don't know how to swim, so I'll sink.

Sink... Like a light, carefree body to the bottom of the black ocean. The cold waves numbing around me as I fall, carelessly backwards to be forgotten in the black abyss. Hell that sounds like an amazing life. Something I could live, that would end this numbing I've become used to.

I unconsciously reached behind myself and touched the cold, dangerous metal of the handle of a handgun Jeramine had given to me and ordered me to use when needed. Hell I'd say this would be a pretty good use... I mean, it will get me out of his hair quicker. In fact it will get me out of everyone's hair if I just go now. Silently, disappearing, forever. To become one of the forgotten. I'd get to see dad again. I'd have someone to confide in about my problems. It would all be better soon.

A few tears dripped down my cheeks. Wimp... I thought. I could tell them from the rain drops because they where hot and painful to let go of. I hate myself. I hate being the Jesus of Suburbia. I just want to quit. I dried my eyes on the sleeve of my jacket and climbed to my feet. Making my way back towards the bay. While the handle of the gun hung in my right hand. I approached the dock. Stood on the edge while raindrops soaked me and chilled me to the bone. I looked up to where the drops came from no particular place. From the stars maybe... The waves thrashed angrily below me as I rose my shaking hand, suddenly heavy with the weight of the gun. My hands shaking so badly and slick with rain drops I could swear I would end up dropping it. I opened the chamber to be sure it was loaded. One bullet laid there... One chance...

I shut the chamber and rose the gun farther and hesitantly rested the muzzle of the gun against my right temple. I squeeze my eyes tightly together... Here we go... the end of everything. I drew in a shaky breath and tried to clam myself enough so I could actually pull the trigger without ending up dropping the gun. I swallowed thickly, and asked myself one final question. to take with me to the grave... do I really want to do this?
Do I really want to die?

I adjusted the end of the gun against my head and pressed my finger lightly into the trigger. And I jumped at a loud sound that I believed to have come from behind me. But it echoed inside my head...

Boom...

I fell headfirst into the rushing ocean waves to become forgotten.