Let Me Save You

That night I slept on the couch, unable to force myself to walk upstairs, and no way was I letting anyone touch me or help me. Andy covered me with a blanket, and spent a majority of the night sitting at the end of the couch keeping an eye on me, since I kept waking up screaming.

I snapped my eyes open for the third time in the last few hours, breathing hard and shaking harder. Andy was crouched on the floor beside me calling my name softly.

“Jay, Jay, wake up, it’s only a dream. You’re ok, come on, wake up.” He resisted the urge to touch me and I cowered into the couch crying once again. He’d already called the studio saying he wouldn’t be coming in for the rest of the week, and he’d said the same to my school.

Andy tangled his hand in his hair, he looked tired, more exhausted than I’d ever seen him before. It made me feel guilty and without thinking I reached out and tugged his wrist gently so his hand untangled from his hair. His gaze moved to me and a single tear fell.

I pulled my hand back to my chest and squeezed my eyes tightly shut, trying to block out the image of Jason.

I slowly opened my eyes, blinking a few times to clear my vision. Sitting on the table in front of me was a bowl of milk-less Cheerios, and a glass of iced water. I carefully sat up every stab of pain like a kick in my side. Andy was curled up leaning against the couch, his head resting on the cushions, eyes closed. I sipped at the water before standing up and slowly climbing the stairs to the bathroom. I closed and locked the door then grabbed a towel and turned on the shower ignoring the scalding water as it burned my skin. I stood under the spray long after the water went cold, finally seeming to snap out of it and reach for the soap. I scrubbed hard at my already raw damaged skin until I bled still not satisfied but unable to do anything more. I felt filthy.

I turned off the shower and toweled off. Finding a pair of sweatpants in the cupboard not caring who’s they were, I pulled them and a sports bra I knew to be mine on. The Gun’s N Roses T-shirt was clearly Andy’s but I didn’t care. His scent surrounded me and I felt a little safer for some unknown reason. I hung up the towel and stepped out into the hall walking silently down the stairs. Andy hadn’t moved. I grabbed the blanket he’d given me earlier and draped it over him before retrieving the milk and eating my cereal.

When I’d finished eating I set my bowl on the table and only then noticed my cell phone sitting a few inches away from it. I picked it up and unlocked it, scrolling through the many, many, many, missed calls and texts from both Andy, as well as CC. A few texts from Zach caught my eye and I read through them quickly.

Yesterday from Zach: I heard you have detention today, want me to stick around and wait for you? Jason has it too.

Later from Zach: Work called and I need to go in, be careful ok?

Today from Zach: I heard what happened. I’m so, so sorry Jay. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe...where do you live? Can I stop by after school?

I closed my eyes tightly feeling tears welling again. So Jason had opened his big fat mouth after all. I looked at Andy, who was still sleeping. He probably wouldn’t be too thrilled about Zach stopping by.

J: Today’s a bad time, maybe tomorrow. I hit send and set my phone to the side.

For a while I sat staring into space, then a loud pop sounded and I followed the sound to Andy’s phone which was sitting on the kitchen table. I saw Ashley’s name and a text message, and I cautiously opened the text just to make sure it wasn’t some emergency.

A: Heard what happened, told studio, date’s pushed back, stopping by later with sugar and the guys.

I put his phone back down on the table and stood by the patio door staring out into the rainy dark backyard.

“Jay? Jay! Jay where are you?!” I walked silently back into the living room, Andy calming instantly upon seeing me. He stood up stretching and walked over to me. Standing awkwardly for a moment before wrapping his arms around me loosely in case I pushed him away. I did the opposite, and latched my arms tightly around him, burying my face in his chest as tears began to fall. He tightened his arms around me, and slowly rocked back and forth.

“I’m sorry.” I murmured between tears, squeezing my eyes closed.

“What are you sorry for?” He asked confused.

“Making you worry.” He pulled back and leaned down to meet my gaze.

“Jay I’m not mad at you, I just want to know what happened to you the last couple days.” I dropped my gaze and went to sit on the couch, Andy sitting next to me. I leaned against his side and he wrapped his arm around me protectively.

“What’s going on Jay? I came home a few days ago and found you locked in your room for the third time this week, and when you come home after me you won’t speak and go right upstairs and don’t come back down, then last night... What’s happening?” He spoke softly, and I could see how desperate he was, and how scared of the answers he was sure to receive he was. “Please Jay, let me in.”

I took a deep breath opening my mouth, then closing it again. How do you tell someone like that? How do you tell someone you were raped again without them freaking out? How do you even make yourself say it in the first place? I’ve never told anyone about it the first time, or the following times. Nobody ever knew it happened, but I guess that’s the different between a seventeen year old boy, and a forty-seven year old man.

“T-There’s this g-guy...h-he’s been p-pushing m-me a-around for a-a while n-now.” My voice faded out and I felt the muscles in Andy’s arm tense.

“Did he have anything to do with last night?” He asked tensely. Tears gathered in my eyes as I nodded, breaking down moments after. Andy pulled me into his lap holding me protectively against him. “Jay, did he...” I nodded knowing what he meant. His arms tightened, I cried harder as he rested his head against mine.

“I should have been there.” He whispered. I shook my head and pulled back enough to look at him. Tears were falling from his eyes, and he looked so broken. I couldn’t speak so I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, biting my tongue as my body screamed in protest of the action.