Let Me Save You

For a while they let me be, Ashley simply standing there, and Andy sitting in the living room with his head in his hands. But that didn’t last forever, it never did.
Ashley crouched down in front of me. “Do you want some hot chocolate?”

I didn’t react, just stared at him unseeing still trying to figure out why I hadn’t known this before. Why had no one told me? Why had they just let me live this long without knowing what the real story was? Keeping me in the dark, isolated.

“Alright, Andy can you take her in the living room?” Ashley straightened up and rattled around starting to make three cups of hot chocolate. Andy appeared in the kitchen doorway and hesitantly came to my side, helping me out into the living room and sitting me on the couch. After a moment of thinking he picked up the lighter colored dog and set her in my lap then scratched his head awkwardly and looked at Ashley. Eventually he sat down leaving some space between us. The other dog jumped up and sat between us.

Ashley came into the living room with three cups of hot chocolate and set them on the coffee table, moving aside a few scattered papers before sitting across from us.

“Jay.” Ashley said softly. I slowly raised my blank gaze to meet his. “We need to talk about all of this. Ok?” He looked quickly at Andy before looking at me and sighing. I dropped my gaze to the dog in my lap and gently stroked her ears.

“They must like you, usually they don’t go near strangers.” He offered a friendly smile that I couldn’t return. “You know my brother’s only a few years older than you, well ok maybe more than a few, he’s twenty-five now. But he used to do it too, cut himself. Whenever he’d get stressed out he’d cut himself saying it helped him let out the negativity. Is that why you cut?” His voice was soft, almost hypnotic in a way, and I shook my head. In my dazed state I didn’t realize I was being politely interrogated and easily went along with it.

“Is it because someone bullied you?” He questioned, pushing my hot chocolate closer to me. I shook my head again, picking up the warm mug and gripping it like a life preserver. That part might not be entirely true. Yes people had bullied me a bit, but that’s not why or when I’d started cutting.

“Can you tell me why?” He probed. I hadn’t planned on answering, but his voice was so hypnotic, and my mouth moved of it’s own accord.

“To feel...something.” Beside me I saw Andy stand up and disappear into the kitchen, Ashley’s gaze following him while mine dropped to the floor.

“Have you ever thought about killing yourself Jay?” He asked quieter. I swore I heard Andy stop breathing, waiting for my answer. Had I? I hadn’t been thinking about much of anything lately...

I shook my head after a few long moments of contemplation, and could almost feel relief rolling off Andy in waves. I wasn't sure how I felt about even the simple things anymore.

“That’s good Jay, that’s good. We want to help you get through this, but we need to know all the facts about what’s going on first. Can you tell me everything that’s been going on recently?” I raised the cup shakily to my lips taking a sip of the warm liquid, my eyes glazing over as I lost myself in my memories.

“L-Last winter I-I was coming home from school. When I got home there was an ambulance i-in the d-driveway, a-and lights flashing everywhere. The neighbors were a-all standing around outside watching something. W-When they saw me e-everybody g-gave me this look...and...m-my mom w-was i-in the ambulance, a-and sh-she wasn’t b-breathing t-they said. Sh-she died b-before we g-got to the hospital.” Tears cascaded down my cheeks but I didn’t move or wipe them away. “I-I d-don’t remember what happened a-after that... E-Everything i-is just black until I-I got here.”

“How about before she died? I’m sure you left a lot of friends before-” I cut him off by shaking my head. Friends were hard to come by in a tiny town in the middle of a corn field in Ohio, even harder for the girl who everybody else seemed to know some dirty little secret about except her.
Well now I knew.
“What about other family members?”

I shook my head again. Whenever we were around family everybody would pretend I didn’t exist, ignoring me completely or glaring at me. Now I understood.

“T-They s-said I-I l-looked l-like d-dad.” I murmured quietly. Something fell in the kitchen and I flinched not expecting it. The dogs jumped down and ran into the kitchen to investigate so I pulled my knees up to my chest resting my chin on them. I set my cup on the coffee table and traced the rim with my finger tip absentmindedly.

Andy walked into the living room standing behind me and carefully pulled my dark hair out of my face before leaning down and pressing his lips to my head. I sunk down into the couch uncomfortably, and brushed my fingers across my eyes.

Ashley stood up and brought his cup into the kitchen, followed by Andy.

“Get all sharp things out of reach, all meds, anything that has a chance just as a precaution. Talk, about everything, anything, even if you’re the only one talking. Go out and do something together, just try to connect. You missed a huge part of her life Andy, and making up for it won’t be easy or quick. Just take a couple weeks off, we don’t start officially recording for another month or so. Take time, and do what you need to do. We’ll be there for you, and try to take care of as much as we can without you. She’s more important.” Ashley turned on the sink drowning out most of what he said, but I wasn’t listening anyway, I was busy staring at my cup.

“Thank you Ashley.” Andy murmured setting his cup in the sink.

“Don’t worry about it. We’re all here for you, both of you. We’re a family man, now we just have to figure out how to operate with another member. It’s just like when Sandra left and CC came in, new member, new dynamic. We’ll figure it all out.” Ashley sounded so hopeful.

I lifted my cup to my lips and tipped it back, finishing it in one go before slowly standing up and drifting into the kitchen. “Thank you.” I murmured setting it by the sink. I lingered by the counter unsure what do to next, thankfully Andy picked up on it.

“It’s been a long day, I think we’re gonna head home.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Ashley said to Andy, then turned to me. “It was nice meeting you Jay. If you ever wanna talk Andy has my number. You can text me or call me whenever you want.” He smiled and I nodded silently, not moving as he hugged me briefly, then Andy.

I slipped on my shoes and pulled Andy’s jacket tighter around myself. Andy slipped on his shoes and said a last goodbye before stepping out into the hall. I trailed behind him as he lead the way to the car, then climbed in silently.

“Can I have your cell phone number, just in case something happens?” He asked, pulling out of our parking spot and onto the street.
“I don’t have one.” My throat was beginning to hurt, so I spoke softer than before.

“Oh, ok. We’ll pick one up for you this week then.” He paused as he merged easily onto the highway. “Tomorrow if you want we could go to the paint store, look for a color for the walls?”

I nodded, but he didn’t see. “Ok.”

“I know I’ve already asked you this, but is there anything you didn’t have room for that you need? We’ve got basics, but beyond that we don’t have much...”

“No.” We pulled off the highway onto a residential street, then turned onto our street a few blocks down after crossing the bridge. He pulled up along the curb and turned off the car. We went inside and I slipped off my shoes, going straight for the kitchen and getting myself some water. Andy followed me in and reached out to take his jacket but I shied away.

“C-Can I k-keep it? J-Just t-tonight.” I felt the blood rush to my face and kept my head down in an attempt to hide it.

Andy chuckled softly and brushed my hair back. “Yeah, of course, you can keep it as long as you want. Just let me get my cigarettes out of the pocket first.” I lifted my arm as he reached into the pocket and pulled out a carton and his lighter, replacing them in his jeans pocket. “I don’t know when you wake up, but I’m up early so whenever you’re ready just come downstairs and we can have breakfast, then head out.”

I nodded, wrapping my fingertips over the edge of the sleeves of his jacket.

He smiled. “Alright, good night.” I nodded and ducked out of the room and up the stairs to my room.