Best Friends Means...

"Hey, mum." I walked up my mother who was standing at the kitchen sink, washing dishes. She must not have heard Niall and I come in the door. "I brought Niall with me."

"Oh, wonderful. I've heard all about you from Anne." She placed the plates she was drying beside her on the counter and took Niall in for a hug. I looked at my mum's face as she squeezed her eyes tight as she hugged Niall. I could tell she had been crying. She usually only hand washed dishes when she's upset. "I'll be ready to leave in a few minutes, let me go freshen up and we can go visit."

I nodded as she kissed my cheek and left Niall and I alone in the kitchen. "Sorry I kind of just, dragged you here. I didn't want to come alone and I knew she'd be like this. The house hasn't been this clean in months. It makes me feel even worse that I partly forgot."

"You've had a lot going on. I wouldn't want you going alone, either. I'm glad I was able to come." Niall smiled and walked around the kitchen, as if he were inspecting it. "I don't think there's a piece of dust in this room."

"Probably in this entire house. I'm gonna go up and grab a coat. You need a jacket or something? I'm sure there's a spare that I've stolen from someone."

"Nah, I'm good." Niall waved me off as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom. I sighed and sat down on my bed, burying my face in my hands. Something had to give soon. Whether it be Harry, or me. One of us would eventually have to speak to the other. I checked my phone and saw the screen free of any text messages or calls. Niall had been texting on the drive over, and I figured it was Harry or one of the other boys. I wasn't in the mood to have to deal with all of this on the one day that I dreaded out of every year.

I swallowed hard, stood up and padded over to my closet, browsing for a jacket to wear. I passed all of my wool coats, fashion coats, and came upon the one I usually wore only on this day every year. My dad's black leather jacket. Running my fingers over the soft, pliable leather, the memories flooded my mind and tears stung my eyes. It was always slightly too big for me but I had always loved it. He had had it since he was in his 20's, and taken excellent care of it. When my mum and him had started dating, he used to drape it over her shoulders, and when I was a little girl and the London winters would threaten to freeze me to death, he'd bundle me up in it as well. I removed it from the hanger and inhaled the barely there scent of my dad. As I exhaled, I lost control of my emotions. I could feel them unraveling all day, but I couldn't hold it in any longer. I wanted my dad back so badly. I wanted him to hold me as he sat in his big brown leather chair that still sat in the corner of our house, untouched. I wanted him to tell me that everything with Harry would be okay. And that it was better Jack was gone now, that his suicide was not my fault- just his own crazy thoughts that caused him to kill himself.

I turned to exit my closet and bumped into Niall. He pulled me into a hug and rubbed my back, "Shh. Your mum's ready to go but I had a feeling you were up here." I nodded into his shoulder, my sobbing making me unable to speak. "Harry just called a few minutes ago. He's not doing much better either, he wouldn't quit going on about driving here."

I stepped back from Niall and wiped off the tears I had shed on his jacket. "We won't be here long, just tell him we'll be back before he can even leave the house and get here."

"You don't want to talk to him?"

"He doesn't want to talk to me either. He hasn't tried calling or texting me." I sniffled and walked into my bathroom to wipe my makeup off from under my eyes. "Can't life just let up on me for a few days? God. It's like everything is happening at one time. Lost my job and my best friend, tabloids found out about my horrible and abusive past, I forgot my dad's dying anniversary, my boyfriend doesn't want to speak to me, and my ex boyfriend killed himself and decided that it's all my fault." I started crying and sat down on the closed toilet lid. "I can't bring this mess of myself on tour with you guys. You only see me when I'm crying, I'm sorry, Niall."

Niall leaned up against the bathroom counter and looked down at me. "I just want you to be happy, love. I hate seeing anyone sad, much less someone I'm friends with." I smiled at his use of the word friend. "Because yes, you are my friend. We can deal with the rest of this later. Right now, your beautiful mum needs you downstairs. You two need each other. Don't worry about the rest of your troubles, yeah? Your dad wouldn't want you to worry about 'arry right now, he's just a silly boy." Niall reached to my face as I stood up and wiped the tears that had fallen. "Come on."

Niall led the way out of the bedroom and helped me put on my dad's leather jacket. I made my way down the stairs as I felt my mum's eyes on me. She smiled, fighting back crying as I made it to the landing of the stairs. She pulled me into a hug and started crying on my shoulder. "It still smells like him." She quietly whispered into my neck and I nodded, rubbing her back and comforting her as Niall had moments before. He had stepped back and was quietly observing the two of us.

"Come on, I'll drive." Niall said, and I followed him out to his car. I climbed in the front seat and my mum in the backseat.

We rode in silence to the cemetery for about 10 minutes until my mom spoke up. "You didn't tell me about this."

"What?" I asked, turning around. And then I saw the letter she had in her hands from where I had thrown it in the backseat earlier. I sighed, "Yeah. He left me that. How nice of him."

"You don't really think that, do you, Elle? That boy was-"

"I loved him. He loved me. Just... A little obsessive, I guess."

"Obsessive?! That's too nice of a word. He's trying to make you hate yourself too and blaming his suicide on you. Please don't think that, sweet heart. He drove himself mad obsessing over you. He's crazy. The world is better without him."

I turned back around to say something but Niall's hand squeezed my knee and calmed my words. "Yeah. Now we won't have to worry about someone stalking every minute of my day."

"Oh, they're still gonna do that." Niall chuckled from the drivers seat, and I hit his arm but he kept his hand on my knee. I wasn't growing uncomfortable, like I thought I should be, but I felt safe. Niall wanted to keep me safe, and protect me, and make me happy. Much like Harry, who was doing a shit job at all of the above at the moment all because he got mad at me for being over upset over Jack killing himself. It still made no sense to me. I was interested in hearing what he had to say, but when I had thought of what to say to him, we had arrived at the cemetery.

I hopped out of the car and my mom wrapped her arm around my shoulders as the two of us walked over to his grave. Niall stayed back and sat in the car, keeping it warm for us. We approached his grave which looked like it had been untouched. A gold vase sat there in front of the stone and we would always bring flowers to put in on holidays, but never on days like today. It was far too cold, and we didn't want the flowers to die as soon as we brought them. I sat down on my knees and stared at the cold, grey stone that had my father's name engraved. I re-read his name over and over, as if it would make it change that he wasn't dead. That he was actually gone.

"Mum, do you mind if I have a minute alone?"

"No, sweetie. I'm going to go over and check on grandad's." She kissed the top of my head and walked over to search for the other grey stone.

"Hey dad." I mumbled quietly, barely audible to my own self. "I know you'd probably say I'm dumb for talking out loud to no one, but I know you're listening somewhere. I know you're always with me, but I feel like this is the proper place to talk to you. I just, I wanted to let you know I miss you." The tears started streaming down my face, creating freezing tracks as they raced to my chin. "I miss you a lot. I know in my heart that you're always watching over me, always guiding me, but I have no idea what to do right now, dad. I wish you were here to tell me what to do." I wiped my hand with the soft black jacket and continued crying, "I'm finally with Harry, you know. You always told me we were made for each other. That was the one thing you were positive about, that I never even wanted to think about. And I hadn't thought about it, until he finally came back and I got to see him. I saw the Harry that you said would always be perfect for me, and would always treat me like the princess that I am. He makes me so happy, dad. I don't know why I didn't see it before now." I sniffed again, smiling at the cold slate hoping to see another glimpse of my father's warm smile, but I saw nothing. "I wish I could come to you for advice now. Or tell you about all the wonderful things that are happening, and all of the not so wonderful things. Maybe I can, I just... Won't hear a response. Like now..." I sat and waited and looked around at my mum who was kneeling at grandad's grave, doing the same as I was doing. "Mum misses you so much. She needs you here. We all need you here." I started bawling again, "I feel like I have no one right now. No one to confide in like I used to confide in you. Dad, you were my best friend... Why did you have to leave us? Everything would have been perfect. You didn't even know you were leaving. I just don't understand how something could happen so all of the sudden, with no warning."

"I can." I heard a voice from behind me, and I knew who it was without looking. I broke into more sobs, my shoulders shaking and my throat heaving out cries. "I'm here now, it's going to be alright. I'm so sorry." Harry's warm arms were wrapped around my cold, shaking, crying body and he was crying too. I stood up and placed a kiss on my dad's grave stone, telling him goodbye. Niall had already turned his car around and left with my mum, completely unnoticed as I realized that Harry's Range Rover was at the cemetery instead of Niall's.

"Where'd my mum go?"

"I think you needed this more than she did." I looked up at Harry, who had matching streams of tears running down from his bloodshot eyes. He had probably ran his hands through his hair about a hundred times in the last two hours. "I left almost after you guys did. I couldn't imagine you coming here by yourself."

"I wasn't by myself-"

"What did I tell you about telling me when you're upset? Letting me comfort you? That's what I'm here for."

"But you weren't, Harry. You got pissed at me-"

"But I'm your-"

"Stop fucking interrupting me, Harry. Let me finish my goddamn sentence." I sniffed, but I was still crying. "You got pissed at me because my ex boyfriend killed himself and blamed it on me. No matter how much you hate him, he was someone I once loved and the fact that he's pinning his suicide on me, is something I have to live with every day now."

"But it wasn't your fault."

"No, it wasn't. I know that. But in the back of my head I'm always going to wonder if it really and truly was my fault."

"You didn't make him kill himself. He killed himself. It was his own selfish decision, Anabelle. Please don't let that bother you, love." Harry's long arm wrapped around my waist as he led me to the car. I hopped in and sat in the seat, facing the driver's seat with my back against the door. Harry climbed in and mirrored the way I was sitting. "I'm sorry, Elle. I shouldn't have gotten so mad at that. I was being insensitive, and an asshole. I was hungover, which is no excuse whatsoever, but I was really cranky and wasn't thinking like myself. I can't apologize enough. And then you not even trying to call me to talk to me, hurt me. Because I knew I had hurt you by my reaction." A tear fell from Harry's cheek and our hands met as I reached to wipe it away. He grabbed my hand and kissed the top of it, placing it in his lap. He played with my fingers as he started speaking, "I was petrified I was going to lose you. I've never lost someone I loved, not like that, and I can't imagine the pain you've felt today. Thinking about your dad dying should be enough, but to be plagued with the death of someone else you once were close to is bad enough. I'm really sorry I can be so selfish sometimes."

"I don't really know what to say back to that. Thank you for your sincere apology." I smiled back at the pitiful looking Harry that sat in front of me. "And you're never getting rid of me, so you don't have to worry about that." I lightly punched his arm as he turned in his seat to drive off from the cemetery.

"We've gotta work on some things. But I knew this would take work. All relationships do. We'll figure it out."

"Yeah, we will." I snuggled into the warmth of the black leather and inhaled the lingering scent of my dad once more. I reached into the pocket and pulled out a letter that I always kept in there. "Wanna hear the note I read every year I come home from going to see him?"

"If you're willing to share." Harry said, not breaking eye contact from the road. He knew how I was- not willing to let people in unless I knew they were going to truly care. I always feared I'd let someone in and they wouldn't really care. They'd just listen to listen, not listen to care about me.

My Dearest Anabelle,

Today's your sixth birthday! You can't read this just yet (we're working on it!), so I'm sure your beautiful mom is reading it for you. (Hi, love.) I was just writing this letter to you so I could let you know how strong of a little girl you are. I've always admired from when you were even smaller that when you fell and scraped your knee, not once did you ever cry. You'd come over to me, sit in my lap in this chair, and tell me you fell, why you fell, and that you'd never do it again. Two days later, you'd be in my lap again telling me about how you hurt your elbow. But not once did you cry.

Now, you cried when your fish died. Because you didn't understand that Elmo dying wasn't your fault. You kept asking what you did to make Elmo die, how could you do something to save him. That's just how life is. Things just happen. Sometimes they have a reason, and sometimes they don't. Harry kept trying to tell you to just go get another fish, but you were too concerned about Elmo. "What if Elmo was watching from fish heaven and his feelings got hurt?" You used to always ask me. You're the most compassionate six year old I've ever met, and I'm not just saying that because I'm your father. (You'll understand these words when you're older.) It means you're loving, without question. You loved that fish, you didn't care that he wasn't a human. Or that all he did was swim in that bowl. You loved him, and you cared about him as if he were a person. I admire that characteristic in you, Elle.

Elle. That's what you decided your new nickname would be, remember? You told us Anabelle was too long of a name to say every time we said your name.

I'm mostly just writing this so you'll have something to read when you and Harry are off married and have a six year old baby of your own. (I'm only partially joking, Elle.)(Not really.)

But, moving on. You are beautiful, inside and out. Don't ever let anyone else ever tell you any differently. You're perfect just the way you are, and you always will be. You're smart, and that is something no one will ever be able to take from you. Don't ever let any guy mistreat you or take any part of you from you. You deserve to be treated like a princess. One day you'll find your prince.

I'll always love you, Elle.
-Dad