Anonymous

Dear friend,

Well, I guess you’re more then a friend; at least to me, anyways. You probably have forgotten about me; you probably don’t think that any of your old friends still think about you. But I just wanted to tell you that I still care, and I really hope that you haven’t forgotten about the time that we have spent together or about the memories that we have shared. Because if you did, that would break my heart even more than it already is…

I’m a little more emotional than usual today. You see, it’s Valentine’s Day, that’s why I’m being so heart felt, and mushy, and… sad today. I’ve never had a Valentine, you know? I’ve never gotten anything or felt special on Valentine’s Day. The only exception is the candy that I got in Elementary School, but that shouldn’t count because all the kids in my class were supposed to give me Valentines; it was a requirement, not an act of love. I’ve never dated anyone either, which is even more pathetic because I’m a freshman in college now; nobody has ever liked me, or at least told me that they have. So all the emotions from all the let downs I’ve faced are welled up inside, and now that I’m alone while everyone is out on Valentine’s Day, I can think about these things without anyone noticing.

All my friends from college have dates for Valentine’s Day, and I’m just sitting in my room… by myself… with nothing to do but think about my life and how things have played out. You see, I could have avoided this situation; I’m the one that put myself in this position. I could have told you how I felt about you; I could have admitted my feelings towards you; I could have asked you to go to Prom with me, or to hang out, or something. But the fact of the matter, is that I didn’t, and that’s why I’m in the situation I’m in right now. It’s totally not your fault and it’s completely mine, so please don’t feel bad if you ever do stumble across this letter.

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? I was in the 8th grade, and it was my first day of work. I walk out to the main room with my boss, and he is teaching me the ropes. I look up, and there you are; super tall, mousy brown and blond hair, hazel eyes. At first I fell for you because of your looks, but little did I know that there was more to you. With every passing week of working with you, I learn more and more about you. You are extremely smart, you know 4 languages, and you study abroad a lot. You like to sing, you listen to indie music, and you love roller coasters. But most importantly, you are one of the sweetest and nicest people I have ever met. Never have I felt so connected, so in awe, and so mesmerized by someone. You were my first crush.

As the years went by, and we both began high school, I realized that I had to change my appearance in order for you to like me the way that I liked you. At that point I’m pretty sure you considered me a work friend, and nothing more, and I wanted that to change. So I began growing my hair out, wearing eyeliner, and painting my nails, but none of that seemed to work. Maybe it was my beak-ish nose and my dull brown eyes, or maybe it was my glasses and horrible looking smile. Maybe it was even all of these things that made you not notice me or care about me in the way that I cared about you.

Junior year came around, and you changed; you began to drink a lot, do drugs, and act like a jerk to everyone except me. I didn’t understand it, and it made me sad, but I wasn’t going to drop you as a friend like everyone else; I was determined to turn you around, to change you back to the person that I met when I began working. But I couldn’t stop you from ruining your image in the workplace. Everyone seemed to think that you were a jerk, especially all the new workers, which encompassed 95% of the workforce where we worked.

Junior year also happened to be the year that I started telling all of my friends that I liked you; both work friends and school friends. The general response from everyone was “Why!? He is a jerk, and is an awful person” or “You deserve better!” They didn’t understand; they didn’t know you before junior year like I did, they didn’t see you’re good sides, and they didn’t see or hear you when you were talking to me. So I took their comments, and threw them over my shoulders; I didn’t give a shit about what anybody said because I knew you, and I knew you were a great person.

Because of these comments, I used to tell my friends fake stories; stories about us that never happened, and stories about what I wished would happen. I used to tell them that you would catch me and pick me up bridal style, that you would give me intoxicating hugs, that you would tell me I looked beautiful today, and that you used to flirt with me. None of these things were ever true, although I sure as hell wished they were. And in doing this, I betrayed the trust of my friends. I lied to their faces. If any of them are reading this right now, I want you to know that not all the stories are fake, just the too-good-to-be-true ones. I also want my friends to know that I am sorry for lying to you and that the stories about him were the ONLY things I ever lied about; I promise. I just wanted some sort of happiness, and to feel some sort of love. I understand now that this was the wrong way to go about it…

Then it was Prom season during my senior year. You kept asking me if I was going with anyone, and I kept telling you that no one had asked me. You seemed interested and also kept telling me that you didn’t have a date either, but I never took the bait. That was probably the biggest regret of my life, never taking the bait and asking you to Prom. Even now while I’m typing this, I’m crying at how stupid and naïve I was for not seeing that you might have been somewhat interested. I think at one point you were finally fed up with me not taking the hints and you said something that really hurt my feelings for the first time since I’ve met you. You said, “I’m probably just going to go to the mall and ask some random hot chick to go with me. None of my friends are Sports Illustrated material anyways.” That hit me right in the gut, and at the time, I thought you really meant it. I still don’t know whether you meant it to be this way, but I took your comment, as “You’re not hot enough to go with me anyways.” So I swallowed my pride, and I went to prom by myself.

Things weren’t really the same after that, until we were partnered up for an event over the summer. The height difference between us was overwhelming, but we made it work, and what we were going to do looked fantastic. We practiced so hard almost every single day, and you gave me your word that you would be there the day of the event. You said that you wouldn’t ditch me, but I was let down. A few days before the event, you told me that you had to bail out and go to church. I don’t blame you for what you had to do, but I wasn’t going to be indifferent about it either. I was genuinely upset by what happened, even though it wasn’t your fault at all. The day of our event, I saw all the other groups and I knew we could have beaten them, which made me feel even worse about the whole situation. We worked so well together and we got so much closer after practicing, but that all went to waste…

And then there is college. When we were both first applying to colleges, we helped each other out and encouraged each other. We applied to some of the same schools as well; obviously, you got into some very prestigious schools, and I didn’t. To my relief, you eventually decided to stay near the area, and I went to some mediocre school about an hour away from you. The day before the event was the last day that I saw you. You didn’t say bye to me, you didn’t give me hug, and you barely acknowledged me, knowing fully well that you wouldn’t see me again before I got back from vacation and went to college. But I didn’t blame you for it. We weren’t together; we weren’t a thing; hell, at that point, it seemed like we weren’t even friends. But regardless, it hurt… it hurt a lot... and if I’m honest with myself, I’m still hurting from it.

I’ve seen you once since then, and spoken to you once as well. You asked me for my number on Facebook and I gave it to you. I surely thought you would text me, but you never did. I saw you over winter break once, and we caught up, but there was something different. You probably found someone else, or maybe you felt awkward talking to me. I don’t know if you ever knew about my feelings for you, but you had to have had some sort of feeling. It was obvious, and almost everybody that worked with us knew about my feelings for you. In a way, I sort of wish that you did know, but I don’t think I will ever know the answer to that question.

I thought that going to college would help me get over you, but it didn’t. If anything it just made me feel even worse. The regret that I feel everyday for never telling you how I felt makes me crumble and burn. It is unbearable sometimes. I should have told you how I felt about you at the time, and I never did. I can’t tell you now, because we aren’t close anymore, and it feels like it’s too late. But in case you stumble upon this letter one day, I want you to know that I liked you and still like you a lot – more than friends. You were my first crush, the first and probably last person I will ever like, and you were and will still be the sweetest person I have ever met. I hope you did or still do feel the same way about me too…

But just know, that whatever happens, all I want is for you to be happy…

-Anonymous