Room With No Windows

I was trying my hardest not to ask Elsa to return home with me. Now that the door was taken care of and I was sleeping in my own bed, the place seemed a lot emptier without her laugh echoing through the loft. Eric was right, too; I shouldn't visit her so much, but I couldn't stay away. Aside from the fact that I hated being away from her, I got this dreaded feeling of leaving her alone. Of course she was with my parents, but they were alone, too. My dad was usually away at work, anyway. So what could my mom and Elsa really do in order to defend themselves if that maniac ex boyfriend of hers showed up? I needed to do everything to protect not only her, but my family as well.
What are you doing, O' Callaghan, a voice slithers into the back of my mind as I lay down on my bed, staring at the ceiling with an arm behind my head. You're only making a bigger mess of things.
I can't help but wonder if I was just tangling my problems together more. What if I was only making it worse? What if the choices I've decided to make weren't the smartest ones? What would I do if it all came crashing down: what if the secure world I've been trying to build for Elsa was as good as a house made out of glass? What if everything I've been doing turns out to be for nothing because I'm doomed for failure?
No. I can't afford to think that way. I've been doing all I can to keep her safe, to keep them all safe.
Maybe the safest thing would have been to stay away.
I take a deep breath, knowing the only way to calm my doubtful nerves was to go check up on her. So I rise to my feet and put on my shoes, my thoughts racing faster than the miles on my truck as I drove to my parents' house.
The minute I arrive, Elsa greets with me with a kiss that could make any man melt. I welcomed her lips and the calm feeling that came with it. She acted like she hadn't a care in the world, and goddamn was it infectious.
Elsa rests her head on my shoulder as she wraps her arms around my waist. "I thought you said you had some stuff to do at the studio."
I nod, remembering the lie I'd told her the previous night in order to get out of bringing up Joey. "I was able to finish up early."
She grins widely at me. "Good."

The rest of the night was spent watching movies in my old bedroom. It was exactly what I needed to relax after stressing and worrying about everything going on. Is there such thing as over-worrying? I think absentmindedly.
"I'm glad you came," Elsa murmurs with her head on my chest. I had one arm resting comfortably behind my head while the other was draped lightly on her, my fingers occasionally running along her back and side.
I brush my lips against her forehead, gazing down at her. "I am too."
My fingertips skim her arm and shoulder and she flinches, giggling. I smile, remembering my tickling attack on her and how adorable her squealing was. I didn't want to ruin the quietness of the moment, though.
She however, snakes her arms up my torso, towards my neck. She starts wiggling her fingers but I chuckle. "Darlin, I'm not ticklish."
"Sure you aren't," she giggles. She proceeds to climb on top of me, sitting on my waist and letting her hands dance along my chest. Her hands move to my sides. I'm completely still so she tries my belly, with no such luck. I sit up, smirking at her pout. "I told you, I'm not ti-"
I freeze for a brief moment when she tickles the hairs on the back of my neck before grabbing her wrist. She stares at me wide-eyed, and I let go.
"Not there," I mutter. "I'm not ticklish, it's just...Joey used to do that and-"
"Oh," she squeaks. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
The room grows quiet and I bite my lip. "Elsa, are you happy here?"
She pulls back to study me more carefully. "Here?"
"You know, just here. At my parents', in Arizona in general...with me."
Her expressions seems baffled, genuinely surprised with the question. "Of course I am. Why?"
"I wanted to know what you would say about...changing location."
She raises an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
I caress her hip, keeping my eyes glued to her neck and avoiding eye contact. "I was wondering how you'd feel about staying with Joey."
She stares at me blankly.
Her hands move away from mine near her hip as she stares at me. "Why?"
"I'm just...I don't know. I've been thinking about it a lot and you deserve to know my past with her. And maybe if you got to know her and talk to her, you would have a clearer understanding of everything."
My heart was pounding with every second that passed that she didn't say anything. Why was I so nervous?
"I don't get it," she tells me, giving me a funny look. "You would be okay with your ex telling me about your relationship with her?"
"It's only fair that you get to hear her side of things," I mumble. "I think it's probably the one that's more accurate of her feelings. I still don't know what her feelings are, honestly."
Elsa's lips slowly curl, exposing her smile. "John." Her hands rest on each side of my face, forcing me to look her in the eye. "I want to hear yours first."
"You won't feel like I'm lying to you?" I ask, unsure.
"Of course not," she scoffs. "Why would I think that? John, I trust you. And I know that not everybody's going through the same thought process in these kind of situations. No one is ever really at fault."
I sigh deeply. "I guess that's true. But I feel like I deserved worse after how badly I hurt her."
Her forehead touches mine. "Tell me," she whispers.
I knew she wanted to know; and I wanted to tell her absolutely everything. But it was so hard to relive that time in my life and remember how I had made her cry.
Might as well start from the beginning.
"She and I met through mutual friends," I start, holding her hand. "Her friend was friends with my friend Ashley, and we were all there at this outing they had up in California where her parents are like co-owners and residents at this country club. She invites Ashley, and Ashley invited me. Naturally, a few of the guys came along. Really the only ones that know about the majority of what happened on that little vacations are the ones that went, which were Tim, Jared, Peter and Ken. When I first talked to her, we instantly hit it off. I thought I was in love with her from the way she made me nervous and excited at the same time."
I pause, the memory vivid in my mind. "We extended the trip for about two weeks. I was stoked because it meant I could spend more time with her and thought maybe I actually had a chance. We started hanging out and I knew that she liked me from what Ashley told me. So one night, at a bonfire, I made the first move. I kissed her. And it was the most amazing kiss I'd ever had at that time. The way she clung to me..." I raise my eyes to see Ellie watching intently and smile. "It was kind of the way you do, just not as good."
She blushes, shifting in my lap. "And? Did anything happen after that?"
"We started spending a lot more time together, more one on one, just the two of us. It was always intimate when we were alone. It just felt more special. It felt like the start of something, you know?"
I sigh, knowing there was no way of sugarcoating the next part. "One of those times, we got really drunk. I remember us acting really dumb and writing each other's names on our hands with Sharpies, just really stupid shit. And then I grabbed her and kissed her. One thing led to another and next thing I knew, I was waking up the next morning on the side of her bed. I knew I'd fucked up and made things more complicated, but I didn't want her to think that that was all I wanted.
"When we all returned to Arizona, things got really awkward. I told her I didn't want things to change between us, that I wanted to try to go back to the way we were. And for a while, things were normal. We would always go to the coffee shop and talk. It's like we were just friends again. But eventually I went and screwed things up again. We started sleeping together, and that's not what I wanted. I felt like I was leading her on into something that wasn't real and she didn't deserve that."
My eyes close, finding myself in her bedroom, turned away from her while she slept peacefully. There was a solemn look on my face in that picture, remembering the frown on my face.
"That was a bit before the band was getting ready to head off on tour. We hit the road soon after that; the distance was on my side, since I was too much of a coward to deal with her face to face. I ignored her calls, didn't respond to her texts, nothing. I thought it would help me forget about her. It was better for the both of us that way, but I was so fucking wrong. I was constantly thinking about her, but I knew it wasn't out of love. It wasn't from missing her. It was from the guilt eating at my brain.
"When I got back, I knew I had to see her to get rid of the thoughts. It was completely selfish of me, but I didn't know what else to do. She didn't stop me, either; I thought she would be mad and slap me in the face. What did she do when she opened the door and saw me after months of not talking to her? She fucking through her arms around it. And I liked it. I liked that she wanted me, so much that she couldn't live without me. I'd never been more disgusted with myself for taking advantage of her feelings for me. But I couldn't bare to break her heart. I let her play along with the game I didn't even know I was playing until it destroyed us. I couldn't do it anymore."
I shake my head. "I couldn't allow her to think that was what love was, that I could ever be the right guy for her. She had created an illusion and it would have been wrong of me to keep it going any longer. She thought she loved me and that's the worst fucking thing that she could have ever done."
My throat tightens and I feel my heart wrench. "That's when I told her I didn't love her. I can't tell you how much she fucking cried. She tried to make me stay and insisted that she could make me happy. I didn't doubt it, but I knew I could never make her happy. She kept asking me, 'John, what did I do wrong? What did I do?' The hardest thing I've ever done is having to push her off of me as she clung to me, but there was nothing left. I had to walk away so she could realize this was a smaller part of the hurt if she were to be with me. It wasn't worth it.
"I really thought I was in love with her," I whisper. "Shit, I was head over heels for this girl. And a part of me did love her because I cared for her immensely. But I wasn't in love. I never knew there was a difference until I met you."
The tears stream down her cheeks and I give a miserable chuckle as I wipe them away with my thumbs. "Come on, now, it's already bad enough I have to remember her crying without you getting emotional. You're making this a lot harder."
"I'm sorry," she sniffs. "I just...I-I never knew."
Her hands rest on my shoulders and I sigh. "I promise I'm not a terrible person. Sometimes I think I don't deserve you. Whether or not it's because of what I did to Joey, you're too good for me and I'm always afraid of doing the same thing to you."
"Don't you dare tell me you don't love me, John O' Callaghan, because I will cry like a fucking baby and make your life a living hell."
I can't help but laugh. "Don't do that. I'm not going to, nor do I plan to."
Her shoulders start to shake and my eyes widen. "Oh God, you're crying anyway. No, no, no, Elsa, don't. Please don't. I could never ever let you go. Because even though I don't deserve you, I think I owe it to myself to be with the person that I want to be with. I want to earn your love, Elsa. And believe me, I'm trying. And if I'm doing a horrible job of that, you better tell me."
"No," she laughs, sniffing. "No, you're not. And you don't need to earn my love, John. You already have it. It's completely yours."
"Good," I whisper, pulling her closer. "Because I'm keeping it. And I love you so fucking much. You're stuck with me, ya hear? You have no choice but to keep mine, too."
She giggles, wrapping her arms around my neck and letting our noses touch. "I'll keep it. I love you, John."
I crash my mouth against hers, clutching her tightly and trying to pour every ounce of love I had into her. Her fingers sink into my hair, her lips curling against mine. She couldn't stop smiling. It was adorable and contagious as fuck.
"I love you," I mumble into the kiss.
"I love you, too," she breathes, pulling away. "And I'm staying with you. I don't think I would feel comfortable staying with Joey. I'd feel like I took you from her."
I sigh, nuzzling my face into her neck. "Fair enough."
"How about we take a road trip instead?" she asks. I tilt my head to the side enough to gaze up at her. "What did you have in mind?"
She bites her lip and climbs off of my lap to sit across from me. "I kind of wanted to visit my family, and I was hoping you would come with me."
My face breaks out into a grin as I sit up. "That would be great. I'd love to."
"How does next weekend sound then?"
I nod, brushing my lips against hers. "Perfect."
"I wanted to settle things with Isaac and everything, too," she murmurs. "And I'd really like it if you were there for support I guess. I'd appreciate it and I would just feel a lot better and safer and-"
"Of course I'll be there, Ellie," I assure her in a soft voice. "I'm glad you've made that decision."
She breathes a sigh of relief. "Okay."
"I guess you're finally going home," I chuckle.
She throws her arms around me and kisses my cheek. "I'm already home."