Room With No Windows

Adjusting back to normal life was difficult the first few couple days. It had been harder with every mile I drove away from the hospital. By the time I was home nothing felt normal anymore and I had to change back to a life I didnt want. I knew I had made the decision for her own well being, but now that I didnt know if I would ever see her again, everything felt empty.
I didnt feel whole without Elsa.
I stop by Halvo's rather than my own's, knowing I would need Ruby. She was always my rock through these moments.
He seemed a bit surprised to see me to say the least; the last I talked to him we’d been discussing my relationships problems. He knew about my trip with Elsa to her hometown, but he hadn’t from me since the hospital, since…
Since everything went so horribly and plummeted down south.
“Hey, man,” I mumble, giving a weak and halfhearted smile.
“Hey,” he says suspiciously. “Where’s Ellie?”
I grit my teeth. “She’s…back home.”
“Oh, dude…I’m sorry. Why’d you guys break up?”
“We didn’t break up.”
It’s silent, until I hear Ruby’s pants in the background, drawing nearer until she’s at the door. Eric just crosses his arms. “Well that really totally explains everything. What’s going on?”
I take a shaky breath, and it takes everything from me. It took everything not to break down, to let the energy I’ve been holding up finally drain from me. Just a month felt like a year with everything that’s happened and I feel at fault. I couldn’t even be the right kind of guy for her for the time we were together.
I push a hand through my hair before shaking my head. “It’s…it’s what was best for her.”
Halvo rolls his eyes, moving away from the doorframe. “So you broke up with her.”
“No-“
“What else do you call that? Getting to decide what’s best for the other person and dipping?”
My brows furrow and I follow him inside. “Eric, all I’ve done is turn her life to shit. You don’t-I can’t even begin to tell you all that’s gone down because of me. What else was I supposed to do?”
He scoffs and sits on the edge of his couch. “I don’t know, stick around when things get hard? That whole thing about ‘doing what’s best for them’ is such bullshit! C’mon, man, you’ve done so much for this girl and now you’re telling me you’re just giving up? And you’re telling me Ellie would make the same choice? Because I think it should be for her to make.”
I plop down across from him, feeling ragged and sleep deprived from the trip back. The few hours I could get while on the road were just filled with dreams of her getting hurt, or what it’s going to be like to live without her. Nights did nothing but hurt.
“You don’t understand,” I breathe, exhausted. “I…she’s in the hospital.”
Eric’s eyes widen and he straightens a bit. “What?”
“She got into a car crash. It wasn’t an accident.” My fists clench. “It was Isaac. I put her in harms way and she’s completely innocent. She hasn’t deserved any of this and I know I’m to blame. She could’ve avoided so much heartache.”
“I…O’CALLAGHAN YOU FUCKING IDIOT! AND YOU LEFT HER?!”
I jump at his sudden outburst, Ruby giving a little whine before resting her head in my lap. I pet her gently. “What-“
“You’re so stupid. You are absolutely an idiot. The girl you love gets rear ended or whatever and needs up in a hospital and you decide that’s the best time to leave?”
”I know how bad it sounds-“
“That’s cause it is bad, you dipshit!” he exclaims, his arms fanning out at his sides. “Honestly, are you even listening to yourself? I know I’m not a love guru, but are you serious?! How could you do that? Are you trying to be an asshole?”
I sigh and stare out at the open door, the sun hidden behind grey clouds. There was only a hint of orange bleeding out, but it only seemed fake now. “Everything that’s happened has happened because of me,” I say in a gentle voice.
“That’s not true. None of this is your fault,” he insists, his hand cupping my shoulder. “Isaac was going too far. And he was willing to hurt her just to get back at her. That doesn’t make you guilty. You are not responsible for his actions, or what led to them.”
My heart tightens and I cringe. “But if I just-if she had never met me-“
“If she hadn’t met you, she’d have been lost and alone and probably out on the street with no money to get home for weeks. And somehow she’d still probably get stuck with that prick. You’ve protected her and gone to so many lengths to keep herself. Give yourself some credit.” He drops his arm and gives me a pointed look.
“You made her happy, and she didn’t care about all the other stuff because you guys worked it out together, because I don’t think she cared what or why it happened, as long as you were with her. Isn’t that what counts?”
“It’s too late now.”
He groans. “Let me guess: you’re hoping she’ll hate you to make it easier for you.”
“I’m counting on it.”
“God, you’re a fucking moron.”
I send him a look of my own. “Thanks for being so supportive.”
“I’m not here to be supportive-well, technically you came here, so you’re not here for me to be supportive. You’re here so I can knock you back off your ass and fix this.”
“Halv, there’s nothing else I can do,” I snap, rising to my feet. “What’s done is done. I’ve lost her, alright?”
“Do you think you’re not good enough for her or something? Or do you think you’re just too good for love? I just don’t get it. You’ve risked everything for this girl and you’re backing out now.”
I glance back at the door and the orange peeking over the clouds, trying to convince me of a silver lining to this. There really wasn’t and I understood what love was.
“Sometimes the one thing you love most isn’t what you’re meant for.”
Halvo stares at me for a moment before laying his hands on his knees and standing, sighing. “You’re full of shit, O’Callaghan. You really are the stupidest-“ He shakes his head. “Whatever. I don’t see why you’d give up on the one thing making you happy but have fun being miserable. I’ll be here when you need me.”
“Thanks,” I mumble, and he leaves the room to give me a moment, which I’m grateful for. Sinking down, I let Ruby settle beside me as I look out, still staring at that deceiving sunset color.
I might deserve happiness, but I didn’t want it at the expense of the worst for Ellie. Like fire and rain, we didn’t belong together.
And I wasn’t going to be the one to burn her out.

It was one annoyingly sunny day that I was forced out of my bed. The glare from the door was not letting me get any sleep, so II’d already given up in trying to get some rest.
“Stupid sun,” I mumble, moving into the kitchen to make toast and call it breakfast. I’ve become even less of a morning person if that was even possible. But I’m pretty sure that just has to do with the empty space beside me for the last three months.
Having to not wake up to her face has been hell.
I constantly remind myself that I did the right thing, even if it didn’t feel right in any way. She was with her family now and she’d be safe. Hopefully, she was happy.
There’s a knock on my door, but it’s the one to my room. My brows furrow as I round the corner, the piece of toast hanging from my mouth as I go to answer it. I hear another knock and I rush over before all but freezing, staring through the screen door.
The toast falls from my mouth and I stammer, “Wh…I-I…Elsa.”
She stands there patiently as ever, waving. She looked exactly the same as I remembered her. Her warm caramel colored hair resting around her shoulders and her muddy green and hazel eyes sparkling. She looked stunning even though she looked no different from the last time, except she had color in her cheeks and there were no cuts or bruises. Like they were never even there, never existed.
“Hi,” she mouths, and I could feel my insides come alive. It’s as if I’d been asleep and all of a sudden I was a walking in a dream that was all too real. I didn’t know which was which.
I slowly open the door, my eyes drinking her in, just in case this was some sort of trick or illusion. Her rosy lips lift in slight amusement. “Can I come in?”
“Oh, uh-” I blink and move aside, feeling my body burn red. I’m all too aware of my greasy hair and shirtless chest and sweats I’ve been living in. “Yeah, s-sorry. For the uh, mess,” I muse before blushing. I don’t think there was as much of a bigger mess in the room than me.
She takes a step inside and I can’t help but suck in a breath. We haven’t even seen each other, but being in my home together again brought back so many memories that they had me winded.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, posing the stupidest and most insensitive question I could ask to break the ice. Even ‘how are you’ would’ve been better.
Ellie makes her way around the room, as if reacquainting herself with the shit I had laying around. “Halvo called me. He told me everything.”
Leave it to Eric.
“Oh,” I mutter, unable to think of anything else. I couldn’t even tell how she felt yet. Was she here to yell at me or to ask for an explanation? Did she want closure?
Elsa turns to look at me, her piercing eyes making my head swim. “Did you…really think that’s what was best for me? Did you think being without you was best?”
I wince. “I…I was scared, Ellie. I didn’t want to leave, and trust me, I know it was a shit thing to do but…” My voice grows thin and I swallow the lump in my throat. “I couldn't stand to see what happened to you as a result of loving me."
"You don't think that killed me?" she asks, soft but harsh at the same time.
"I...I know it did."
"But you still did it," she accuses, looking for clarity. "Knowing I would be hurt."
I lower my head and nod. "I'm sorry."
"Do you know how alone I felt?" she muses, and I hear her voice crack for the split of a second. "You were gone. My sister didn't know where you were. I thought the worst. I worried about you, John, even when I had no reason to. Out of nowhere, you were just gone."
"I know," I whisper weakly. "I know, I just...God, I didn’t want anything to happen to you anymore because of me, Ellie.”
Her eyes soften as she takes a step forward. “I didn’t blame you for any of it. I don't. But I didn’t think I…that I’d wake up to an empty hospital room.”
“I know,” I mutter, my head hanging. “I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I just didn’t want to keep doing it and thought if I left, th-that I-“
“What, hurt me the worst and be done with it?” she muses.
My chest pangs with guilt, everything Halvo told me catching up with me. “I deserve that,” I mumble before looking up at her. “You’re right. And you have every right to be mad at me.”
She chuckles. “I’m not. That might’ve been what you wanted, but that’s not why I’m here.” She pauses and presses her lips together. “Just answer me this, John. Did you want to be with me?”
“More than anything,” I blurt out.
Elsa’s lips twitch and her eyes grow hazy. “Then why didn’t you? It should’ve been as simple as your answer.”
“I’m so sorry,” I croak. I didn’t know what to do. My heart wanted to go against everything my head was saying. Her just being here was making me second guess ever leaving. I was starting to think it was the worst thing I could have done. But I didn’t want to remain a danger to her.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I mumble. “As much as I want you to, and you have no fucking idea how much I do, I can’t let you-“
“It’s okay,” she says with a small smile. “I’m moving here. Fresh start.”
“What?” I breathe out.
“We took Isaac to court and we won. He’s in prison now. And I can’t stay home knowing everything that happened. Besides…” She shrugs. “My life started here.”
I let out a shaky breath, trying to process what she was saying. I knew I didn’t deserve a second chance, and if I did, I was scared to take it. But she was here. She was right fucking here and I wanted so badly more than anything for us to try and be happy again.
“Where are you moving?”
She smiles brightly. “Glendale. I’ve been looking for a place-“
My protective instincts kick in and I get a strange sense of déjà vu, of a girl on the street and a boy who couldn’t resist. “Let me help. We could split the first month’s rent so you wouldn’t have to worry about payment, or-“
“John, that’s insane. You don’t have to do that.”
“But I feel obligated to get you back on your feet. It’s the least I could do, Elsa. Please. I want to.”
She bites her lip and shakes her head. “I can’t let you do that.”
Feeling my heart ready to jump out of my skin, I slowly raise my hand to her cheek, my thumb brushing along her skin like it was the softest satin. Her eyes locked with mine and looked as pleading as I felt.
“Then stay,” I whisper.
The breath exhaled from her lips touches mine and I hold her closer. Her hands reach for my wrists as she closes the distance. I close my eyes, not needing to see any part of the world or feel anything else but this. Our mouths fuse as they were meant to. The world shifted back to the way it was supposed to be. The sun shone again, and I felt complete.
Fire and rain might not belong together, but it created something new altogether.
It created a spark.