Please Don't Take This Out on Me

It had been almost a week since the day Vic and his juvenile delinquent friends and Matty and Austin found out about me cutting. I've avoided them all pretty well, especially since I have at least one of them in all of my classes. I haven't spoken a full sentence since that day and don't plan to anytime soon. Matty and Austin had finally realized that getting me to say anything was gonna be like pulling teeth. And the only one of Vic's friends who even bothered to really talk to me was Jaime. And he did all the talking in our conversations.

I stumbled into Mr. Stump's class and trudged into my seat at the back. Jaime followed soon after and plunked down into his seat. "Hi, Kellin." He smiled.

I gave him a short fake smile and stared off at the wall. Mr. Stump started class and I zoned out. I think I got called on but I didn't respond. My emotions had been so out of whack lately, I just didn't even care about anything.

When the bell rang, I robotically moved out of my seat and on to my next class. My next class was history. Perfect, I'd had a totally shitty morning and now I get to go to hell and spend some quality time with the devil incarnate.

Sliding into my seat, I saw Vic was already there and texting someone indiscreetly. I was tempted to grab the phone out of his hands and stuff it down my pants, but that would give him an excuse to touch me. And I'm not too fond of that.

So, instead I just sighed quietly and grabbed my notebook and a sharpie. Purposefully not paying attention, I started absently drawing shapes and spirals on my hands and up my arms. Once I got as far as I could without lifting my sleeve on my arm, I moved to my legs. I had huge gaping holes in the knees of my jeans, so I drew little cat faces on my knees. It probably made me look gayer than fuck, but I thought it was cute so I didn't care.

Our teacher ushered us to go with our partner and work on our plan our project a little. Vic hooked his foot around my desk and tugged it closer.

Vic had been especially mean to me lately. I don't know what crawled up his ass, but he went from seeming to give a fuck about my well-being, to being the one who destroyed it. He had punched me twice since last Wednesday and shoved me every chance he got. So, you couldn't really blame me when I scooted my desk away from him again.

"Don't be annoying, just come here we have a project to work on." Vic said stiffly.

I shrugged and wrote on my paper. It said, "I can do all of it, at least then you won't have to interact with me. It's obvious you don't want to."

Vic's eyes ran over the words quickly before he looked at me as if he was trying to figure me out. Finally he answered. "I'll do the research you do the visual. I'll give you the information and shit when I'm done." I nodded and closed my notebook, resting my chin in my hands.

"Why don't you talk?" Vic asked out of nowhere.

I shrugged. "Nothing to say." I mumbled.

Vic paused. "I don't get you."

I shrugged again. "No one does, why should you be any different?"

I felt his eyes on me and his eyeing my arms and hands. His gaze moved down my body and I could feel my ears get hot. Vic's eyes traveled back up my body and I hid my face in my hair.

"Who are your friends?"

"Don't got any."

"None?"

"Nope."

Vic made a face. "Who the hell doesn't have any friends?"

"Me." I said blandly.

"Why don't you have any friends?"

I finally looked at him. "You know, that's a good fucking question. And when you find out the answer, let me know." I rolled my eyes.

"You're a sarcastic little shit." Vic snapped.

"Yeah I might get over that one day, but you're an asshole and you always will be."

Vic looked like he wanted to rip my arms off, but he said something that no matter what, will always hurt. "At least I'm not some anorexic fag who gets my ass kicked by my own father every night." He may as well have hit me. That might have hurt less.

I looked back down at my desk and pulled my sleeves over my hands. When the bell rang, I ran out of the room and into my next class. I had to hold back tears for the rest of the day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vic was the only person I had talked to in a week. I didn't talk to my father. I didn't need to. Nothing I would say would convince him to leave me alone.

I was walking home from school and a car drove up next to me, slowing down. The passenger side window rolled down and Tony and Jaime both stuck their heads out the window.

Jaime said something but I didn't hear him because my headphones were too loud. I pulled one out and gave him an expectant look.

"I said, do you need a ride?" Jaime smiled and I shook my head, putting my ear bud back in.

Tony's hand shot out in front of my face, snapping his fingers. I huffed and took both of them out. "Get in, loser. That's an order not a question."

I rolled my eyes and flung open the back door, stuffing myself inside next to Tony. Mike waved and I waved awkwardly back. Vic was driving and looked annoyed.

"Where do you live?" Jaime whirled around in his seat.

"Uh..." My voice cracked and I coughed to cover it up. "3913 Parkway Drive."

Vic turned a corner and stayed silent. When we pulled up to my house I ran out of the car. I was late getting home today and knew I was in for it.

Before I got to the door, Tony yelled out to me. "If anything happens, call okay?" He tossed me my phone and I wondered when he had swiped it from me.

I didn't respond, instead I just ran into the house. Thankfully, my father was passed out on the couch and I went silently into my room and shut the door, locking it.

Today was Friday and our history project was due Monday. Meaning, I'd have to go to the Fuentes' house to get the research from Vic tomorrow. Oh joy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had to talk to Vic. I don't care if he didn't want to see me.....

Okay that's a lie. I do care. But still.

As much as I hated him, I needed to the goddamn project with him, so I'll just get the stuff he said he'd do and put it together. Yeeeaaahhh. It'll work. Haha no it won't.

And as much as I do hate him, he is really fucking attractive so I feel like I have to look good. Dammit. So I did my hair, which was really stupid before I got dressed, and pulled on a pair of purple skinny jeans and a black shirt that said "drowning in emotion and pop punk". I stomped on my vans and out the door. Tony put Vic's address in a note on my phone so I knew where I was going. I didn't know where my dad was but that wasn't unusual. He'd usually just ditch me.

I finally got to their house and saw Mike getting into his car. Don't look at him, just walk by. Yeah easier said than done.

"What do you want, Kellin?" He spat.

Well, then. I'll just put my sassy pants on too. "I need to see your asshole of a brother. Where is he?"

He just glared at me for a second and I felt myself shrink, if that was possible. "In his room. Just go in. He doesn't want to see you, but it'll be funny when he kicks your ass." Mike gave me one last weird look before getting in his car and speeding off.

I hope you get a ticket. Jerk.

I went in and said hello to Mrs. Fuentes and took off my shoes before going up the stairs to Vic's room. I heard a guitar and singing. No WAY. WAS THAT HIM?! No. Well...I walked up to the door and listened. Damn, he was good.

I couldn't really knock, so I just kinda opened the door.

He stopped singing and looked at me holding the strings on his guitar still. "What do you want?" Vic glared at me.

"Calm your tits, I just want the research for our paper. I need a copy to do the visual." I crossed my arms and leaned on his doorframe. I wasn't in the mood to deal with his shit.

Vic put his guitar down next to him and got up. He went to a desk and grabbed a stack of papers, shoving them at me. "Here. Now leave."

I took them but I didn't leave. I happened to be on my guy-period at the moment and I was ready for fucking war. "Why do you hate me?"

He looked at me like it was obvious before sitting back down on his bed and picking up his guitar. "Reasons."

I took a step into his room and slammed his door shut. I didn't want his sweet mother hearing the words that were about to come out of my mouth. "You're such a prick! What the fuck?! If you can't even tell someone what the fuck you're problem is with them, it obviously isn't a good reason!"

"I don't have to explain shit to you. It's my business, so stay the hell out of it." Vic snapped. He wasn't yelling yet but I pushed him that's for sure.

"Oh, I get it." I said. Vic looked up and raised his eyebrows. "You hate me because, why the fuck not! If I hate myself, why doesn't everyone else too? I mean it sure makes it a whole lot fucking easier for me to kill myself, anyway!" I shouted. "And why not beat me up? I mean it's not like I don't get it at home, so I can take it, right? Wrong! I do not need this! I don't even know what I did to deserve it! But it's not like anyone is ever going to fucking tell me. You know, I get that I'm a fag, and I get that I'm a fat ugly emo freak, but for once in my life I WOULD APPRECIATE SOME FUCKING CLOSURE!" At this point I was crying. I didn't even know I had started but I was weeping. I collapsed on the floor and hugged my knees to my chest. "I understand that I'm weird. And that I have no friends. And that no one wants me. And that I deserve every beating I get, but all I want is for someone to explain what it is that I did." I whispered. "But what do you care? It's not like I matter to anyone anyway. I guess sometimes I forget that I'm just too fucking complicated for anyone to love." He didn't say anything. Not that I thought he would. But I wanted an apology or at least and explanation. But no. Nothing. "I'll go. I'm obviously wasting my time. I'm sorry I was ever born. Maybe you could at least be friends with Matty again." With that, I walked out of his room and down his stairs. His mom tried to get me to explain what happened since I was still sobbing but I just put on my shoes and left.

Maybe when I get home and my dad beats me, maybe just maybe, this time he'll finally succeed in killing me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I got home, I knew my dad would be waiting. I opened the door and was met with a slap.

"Where were you?" He grabbed me and pushed me against the wall banging my head in the process.

I didn't look him in the eye. I learned the lesson a long time ago. "I-I was d-doing a project for s-school. I'm sorry."

"That's it." He dropped me and kicked me so hard I heard my ribs snap.

I tried to hold back the scream but it didn't work. It turned into a strangled squeal and made everything worse.

I felt another kick and a punch and it just kept coming. I could feel the blood I was coughing up seep into the carpet. My tears and sobs mixed with my blood and screams.

My dad suddenly stopped and stood up for a moment. I shifted and wiped my face. I almost threw up at the sight and smell of my own blood soaking the floor under me. I sat up a bit but was just shoved back against the wall. I kept myself quiet as he went in for another kick. I deserved all this anyway. I was a worthless fag and no one wanted me. Not even my own father. My little encounter with Vic told me everything I needed to know. It may have fucked me completely and told me I had no reason to live, but at least killing myself would be easier now.

My dad kicked me where my broken ribs were and I screamed my loudest. I covered my face and tried to shield myself. I was SO getting it now. I knew better than to make noise.

He stopped again and smashed my face into the ground making my nose bleed. "Shut the hell up. Fag." He whispered.

That's when I heard it. A knock.

I watched my father and cowered in fear and curled into an impossibly tight ball. The knock sounded again and my dad went to the door and opened it.

It was Vic.

I scrambled behind the couch to make sure he didn't see me. "Who the hell are you?" My dad spat. I could practically hear Vic raising his eyebrows in that asshole-y way he did.

"Uh, I'm Vic, Kellin lives here right?"

My dad was quiet for a second. Probably debating lying. "Yeah why?"

I peeked at them over the back of the couch, Vic glanced at me and I ducked. "Um, he uh, left these."

I heard the shuffling of papers and realized I had left the research at his house. I mentally face palmed and crawled carefully out from behind the couch. My dad snatched the papers from him. "Is there anything else you need?" My dad asked rudely.

Vic and I held eye contact and I knew I was in deep shit. Way to go, Kellin. You know, just let the school bully who beats you regularly know that you really are mentally and physically damaged.

"Where's Kellin? Could I talk to him?" Vic looked back at my dad.

There was silence for a second. "No." And he slammed the door in his face.