Perfect to Me

I was sitting on a bench, staring at a tree, gently
swaying it's branches and leaves to the rhythm of the wind.

I sighed and noticed that it had started raining so I pulled
the hood of my jacket over my head and remained seated for
a while.

Soon though, I was drenched and cold so I decided to get
up anyway to get myself some coffee.

My favourite place was The Coffee Bean, a nice little place
with the best coffee in the entire country. Well, I thought
so, anyway.

When I walked in, the smell of coffee beans filled my nose
and I quickly made my way to the counter.

"Hello, how may I help you?"
the cashier asked.

"Coffee, two sugars and some milk, please."
I said, getting my money from my pocket.
"Sorry, the money got wet, the rain surprised
me somewhat."

The cashier smiled.
"That's no problem, miss."

I nodded and handed her the money.
Waiting for my coffee I glanced to a woman with a magazine
in her hand. I didn't realize I was looking at him until it
was too late. My stomach jolted at the image of the man on
the front page.

I stared at him for a while until my order was ready.
"Here you go miss, coffe with two sugars and milk."

"Thanks."
I said, before grabbing the coffee and walking out of
The Coffee Bean, allowing my feet to carry me anywhere but
the magazine.

I felt stabs in my heart when I thought about him.
Seeing it was my own damn fault I'd lost him, made me
angry at myself. I didn't know that I still loved him as much
as I did but here I was, miserable for most of the time.

And missing everything about him. His beautiful eyes that
seemed to change colours every time he looked another way.
His deep, deep voice that still resounded in my head everyday.

I wasn't minding where I was going when I almost fell down
the sidewalk, missing a step.

My coffee was gone, it was flowing everywhere on the
wet surface and I could just stare as it made it's way down
the drain.

I sighed, picked up the cup and threw it away.
Then I decided to go home, while walking through the park,
just for the hell of it. The rain had turned into a light drizzle
so I pulled the hood of my jacket off of my head and kept walking.

When I came to the bench I'd previously sat on, a man was
sitting there, facing the pond.

I stopped dead in my tracks, realizing it was the same
man I'd just seen on the front of that magazine.

My heart skipped a beat and I immediatly felt like I was
going to faint. While I was still trying to make the decision
of walking on or turning around, the man faced my way and
our eyes met.

His expression froze and mine was probably locked in pure
horror at the situation. I heard myself stutter before I turned
around and closed my eyes. Maybe, if I wished really hard, it
would be a dream.

"Alan?"
his deep, deep voice reached my ears.

"Oh."
I almost instantly relaxed when I heard him say my name.

"Alanna."
he called, more than asked this time.

I opened my eyes, took a deep breath and turned around.
He'd stood up and was facing me.

"Ben."
I managed to choke out.

I cleared my throat and tried again.
"I didn't expect to see you here."

"Likewise. How have you been?"
he asked.

I shrugged.
"Fine, I guess. You?"

"Pretty good. You look cold."
he said and I heard the worry in his tone.

He still cared after I left him just like that, after all
those years.

"I was on my way home, wanted to take a shower to
warm up. I had a coffee but I tripped and it spilt everywhere,
so.."
I said, trying to explain why I looked the way I did.

"Ah."
his short response was.

"So. I think I'm gonna.. Go. Nice seeing you again.
You look great."
I replied, trying to smile but I failed miserably.

"Okay. You, too."
he said with a small frown.

I walked passed him and I rolled my eyes and sighed.
Putting the other foot in front of the other, I felt my body
ache at the distance I was putting between us.

I turned around and saw he was walking the other way.
My whole body and mind wanted to run after him but
at first, my feet wouldn't move.

"BEN!"
I yelled, instead.

He turned around at my shouting and waited.

"I.. WAIT!"
I said and then my feet were finally doing what I wanted
them to.

I jogged over to him and took a deep breath.
"I've missed seeing you. Want to come to my apartment and
catch up? I have some tea and if I'm not mistaken, that was
your expertise."

He chuckled and I wanted to hug him, hold him close
again.

"You don't have to, if you think it's weird or.."
I said, realizing that we were exes and not just friends
that hadn't seen each other in a while.

"No. No, I'll come if that's okay. I'd like that."
he responded, with a small smile.

I felt a sense of relief and nodded.
"Good. It's this way."
I said as I nudged my head in the right direction.

"Lead the way."
he said and I started to walk the right way.

The walk to my apartment was quite short and we
were soon in the dry atmosphere of my livingroom.

"Would you mind making tea, then? I'll take a quick shower,
you can just do whatever you need to do to make your
Cumberbatch-Tea."
I said, as I waved at the cupboards.

"Oh, is that what you call it?"
he asked with a grin.

"Well, I figured we already have Eggs Benedict. So your last
name needed something."
I replied with a shrug.
"I'll be out in.."

"I'll see you in half an hour, don't rush."
he said, knowing me too well, still.

"Okay, see you in a bit."
I said before making my way to my shower.

I did everything as quick as I could but still managed to take
a half an hour, like Ben said.
When I walked out, my hair was brushed but my face
was completely clean of make up.

I'd been quite the pandabear when I looked at my
reflection in the mirror so I was pretty horrified that Ben
had seen me like that.

But then I remembered that he'd seen me with smeared
make up before and I couldn't be bothered about it anymore.

Ben was just pouring some tea in 2 cups and I could
smell it all through my house.

"Smells delicious."
I said, softly and wiped my face with my hands
before sitting down on the couch.

"That's always a good sign. You warm again?"
Ben asked, while turning his head half towards
me.

"Oh yes, I'm quite warm again. I think your tea will
be just the thing to feel completely at ease."
I said, as I put on my socks.

"Well, it's ready so great timing."
Ben replied and came towards the couch with
two cups of tea.

"Yes, lovely. Thank you."
I said and took the tea eagerly.

"You're welcome."
Ben sat down in the chair next to the couch and
set his cup down.
"So.. How have you been?"

I shrugged.
"I've been fine. Working, reading, watching movies.
Watching movies with you in them. Watching series
3 and freaking out."

Ben chuckled.
"You liked the third series?"

"Yes. I'm glad Moriarty is back though, he's one
bad ass villain if you ask me. I love Andrew Scott,
he's creepy but awesome."
I answered with a smile.

I realized soon enough that this was one of the few genuine
smiles of the past few years.

"How have you been? Busy, I presume."
I said, with a small smile.

"Yes, last year was quite a busy year for me.
But fun as well. Very fun."
he replied, as he sat back in the chair.
"You look sad."

I looked at Ben in shock, he could still read me terribly
well. It was quite annoying at the moment.

"I'm fine."
I'd said it so many times, I'd almost started to believe it myself.

"I know you're not. Stop the bullshit, please."
he replied and I looked at him with a frown.

"I've heard Martin had a bad influence on your
language and here you are. Tsk."
I said, with a grin.

"Don't change the subject, Al. Why are you so sad?"
he asked.

I sighed.
"I don't know. I've just felt sad alot, for the past year.
Couldn't tell you why."

Of course I knew why. It'd been two years since our break
up but the past year had been particularly hard.
I wasn't going to tell him any time soon, though. He'd just tell me
'sorry but no'.

He just looked at me for a while.
"You're lying. I can tell you do have a reason for it.
Why can't you tell me?"

"Can we just.. Not talk about it please? I really don't
want to and you won't get it out of me so there."
I said, while crossing my arms.

Ben looked at me for a while, his eyes roaming
my face.

"I'm fine, Ben."
I said, softly.

"Okay. If that's what you want. I know you well enough."
he replied, just as soft.

"Yes, I know you do."
I sighed and took a sip.
"It's delicious."

"Some things you never forget how to do, I guess."
he replied with a distant smile.

"Suppose so. So what have you got up next? Read something
about a play you're doing this year?"
I asked, knowing about Hamlet.

"Yes, I am. Playing Hamlet."
he replied with a glow in his eyes.

"That's fantastisc, you've wanted to do Hamlet
for years. I always knew you'd get to do it someday and
now you will. Congratulations."
I said with a proud sort of feeling bubbling in my
chest.

He was finally doing the thing he'd wanted all those years
and I was genuinly happy for him.

"Thank you. Yes, I didn't really have to think twice
to say yes to that, of course. It's been my dream.
As you know, of course."
he said while grabbing his tea and taking a sip.

I sighed and rolled my eyes.
"Okay, fine, you win. Yes, I've been sad.
Frankly, I've been miserable. And it's all because of you."

Ben stared at me with big eyes and his cup halfway down
to the table.

"I'm sorry?"
he asked, flabberghasted.

"I've.. I've been so ignorant and stupid and foolish.
And now, everytime I see you on a magazine or
on the front of a DVD, my insides churn and I quickly
walk the other way."
I admitted.
"And I know that it's all my fault that we're not like
we used to be but I've been miserable ever since
I realized how much I still love you."

"I.."
Ben said, a little shocked.

"I know, it's my own stupid fault, I know it is. I've tried
to bring you into my home by watching Sherlock, Third Star,
Stuart, Wreckers and everything I could find with you in it, again and
again and again. It's pathetic but I just.. I miss you. And I wish
that I could turn back time and undo what I did."
I felt my eyes well up and tried to push the tears back
but failed.

They spilled over my lids and my cheeks were wet, soon after.
"I'm sorry, Ben. I really didn't want to bother you with this.
You can leave if you want, I'd understand."

I wiped my cheeks and sighed.
"Also, I'd like to say that if you weren't so bloody perfect,
it'd be easier to get over you so it's mostly your
fault that I'm crying."

Ben's worried look was somewhat gone after I said that
but he was still watching me intently.
"If I'd known.."

"You'd have known and that would've been that.
You've tried to call and I just let my phone ring, didn't
respond to anything you sent. I'm sorry about that, by the way.
I think I already realized that I'd made the biggest mistake of
my life but was too proud to admit it. I'm really sorry."
I finished for him.

He was on his knees, in front of me now.
I had my feet on the couch and he pushed them down, so I had
nowhere to look but his beautiful, life changing eyes.
One I'd looked into them, I was done for and I felt the same
about them, everytime.

"I would've kept up the bloody calling and the texts and
the visits to your house if I'd have thought it had made
a difference but sometimes you're too stubborn to admit
anything. I knew you still loved me, selfishly enough.
I also saw how scared you were when everything started
to change after that first season of Sherlock. I noticed but I
never talked to you about it and when I wanted to, I was too
late and you'd slipped through my fingers."
Ben had grabbed my hands in his and he looked into
my eyes while he talked, what made me relax a whole lot.

"I've been busy but when I haven't been, I've thought
of you and what you'd be doing at that same moment.
You never left my mind and you never would have, Alanna."
he ended.

"But I broke up with you. I wasn't there for you when you
were suddenly thrust into the limelight. I'm a complete
and utter bitch."
I said, venom dripping from my words.

"Yes, you did. And it hurt, very much. I understood why
you did it but it still hurt."
he replied, honestly.

"I know, I saw it in your eyes when I told you I wanted
to leave. It's been haunting me ever since. You looked so
sad. And now you're here and you look so handsome and I've
been stuck on my couch feeling utterly useless. I can practically
quote Third Star by now."
I said with a smile.

"Well, at least someone bought that movie."
he said with a wide grin.

"It's actually really good and everyone who doesn't
have it, sucks."
I replied, with a sniff.

Ben looked at me, adoringly and I looked at him,
guilty.
He gently wiped a lone tear away with his warm, long
hands and I leaned into his touch.

"I guess.. All I'm really trying to say is I'm sorry. And I've
missed you so much, you can't even imagine. It's like there's
a hole inside and it won't close without you."
I whispered.
"I know I can't ask anything of you but I'd really, really love
it if I could see you again before you leave.
Would that be okay?"

"Alanna, you could ask anything of me."
he said, before looking down and remaining silent
for a while.

When he looked up again, his eyes held a certain fire in them
and I couldn't help feel the urge to kiss him.

"No matter how you look at it, you broke up with me
and it really knocked me down for a while, I want you to
know that. You had my heart and you gave it back. Reluctantly
I took it but only the biggest part. I couldn't take it all back,
knowing that when I saw you again, I'd have to decide what
to do with it."
he said, as he held his hands on my knees.

"And have you decided?"
I asked, nervously.

"I have."
he answered shortly.

I studied him and I silently cursed him.
"You've become way too good at hiding your feelings.
I can't read anything off your face and it's absolutely terrifying.
Can you just tell me so I can start getting over you?"

He chuckled.
"I hope you won't, honestly. Because that would mean I just
made a complete fool of myself."

I froze at his words and hoped to God that I hadn't misheard.
"Say that again?"

"I love you, Alanna. I always hoped that we'd get the chance
to talk so I could see for myself that you, indeed, still loved
me, too. I knew you did when you told me you wanted to seperate
and I always hoped that it hadn't changed."
he replied with that beautiful smile of his.

"But I.. I was a bitch."
I said, shocked at the turn of events.

"Well, that wasn't the only time. I can be a complete
prick as well, so I guess you could say we're a perfect
match, ey?"
he replied with a wink.

"I never stopped. Loving you, I mean. When I realized my
mistake, you were gone and I figured you'd moved on.
I'm so, so glad I found you today."
I sat forward and wrapped my arms around his neck.
"I love you."

I heard him inhale deeply and I smiled.
"Are you smelling me?"

His deep chuckle vibrated through my entire body, seeing
there was no room for air between us at the moment.

"Yes. You still use the same shampoo and I've missed
your smell in my home. It's slowly faded away and I want..
Need it back."
he said as he held me close.

"Well, in that case, you can smell me all you want."
I said, happily.
"I actually haven't felt like this ever since I let you
go."

"Like what?"
he asked, as he released me slowly.

"Happy."
I said, with a big smile.
"It's great to feel this way again. It is, however, slightly
alarming that my happiness has everything to do with you.
But it's probably nothing."

He smiled and I looked into his eyes again that had me
captured, everywhere I went.
"Those eyes. I don't think I've ever seen more beautiful
ones."

He blushed a bit before he pressed his warm lips against
mine for the briefest moment.

My heart started to race and my breath ran short.

"Oh and for the record, you called me perfect but I can
assure you that I am far from it."
he said with a little smile.

"You're perfect to me and I don't care what you or anyone
else thinks. I love you and you are the most perfect human
being I've ever met."
I replied, as I pushed his slighly wavy hair from his forehead.
"You'll always be perfect for me. I just didn't know for a while."

Ben smiled and kissed me again, this time with more force
and feeling. When his tongue slowly traced my bottom lip,
I gasped for air.

"God, you're killing me."
I said, as I stood up and closed my eyes, trying to
not be aroused by a simple kiss.

"That's the point, love."
he said, from close by.

I turned around and he was there, close to me.
"I haven't felt like this in so long, it's all pretty overwhelming.
In a good way, I promise."

His hands found their way to my neck and he looked at me,
with smoldering eyes.
"This time, I'm not going to let you go. So be warned,
I'm in this for the long haul and I hope you are, too."

I nodded.
"I am. I promise."

His lips crashed on mine and the entire world faded
away around me. Nothing excisted but us and I didn't
want it any other way.

Somewhere along the way, he'd lifted me up and I wrapped
my legs around his waist, pressing myself against him
the best as I could.

"Bedroom's that way?"
he asked, inbetween kisses.

"Mhm."
I answered and felt the floating sensation of being
carried somewhere.

He kicked my bedroom door shut and then lowered me
on the bed with him.
"I'm going to ravish every inch of you."

"I sure hope so."
I replied before we continued to kiss and more.

I never thought he'd take me back when I'd see him
again but I was completely wrong.

A part of me knew that what we had was real, one of a kind
and very strong but I didn't quite believe it would stand
the test of time. But it did and I was happier than I'd ever been,
with Ben beside me.