If You Knew

'Ugh. What’s that on your face? Halloween was last month idiot you can take the ma- wait. It's not a mask? My bad'
She can hear the chorus of laughter that followed running through her head over and over again. Suddenly the eyeliner and mascara she spent so long perfecting falls down her face in dark, black lines.
'And your hair. What is up with that? Are you sure you haven't borrowed the wig for this year’s school production of Annie?"
She can feel the part of her scalp sting from where her thick auburn locks were tugged from her head. Suddenly the hair she spent so long try to curl for hours seems like a birds nest on top of her wide forehead.
'Oh and your clothes! I could go on all day about them; I mean did you buy them from the charity shop or something? I swear I've seen my grandma wearing those shoes!'
She can remember the looks of disgust on students faces as they looked at her outfit in repulse compared to their own. Suddenly the new jeans she spent so much time and money on feel like a tattered old mess plastered into her legs.
'Your body... Sorry to break it to you hun but no wonder guys don't go for you. I can see why you don't were skirts and crop tops to school... Or anywhere really!'
She can taste the salad she ate for lunch on the tip of her tongue, and a massive chunk of regret for eating it pools into her stomach making her feel sick to the bone. Suddenly the baggy jumper she used to cover her body feels like it's stuck to her fat, not hanging over her bony ribs and skinny thighs.
'Oh you have so many faults to list! Like your smell... Ugh. Like do you ever spray any sort of substance? Ever heard of this beautiful thing called a shower? It's great!'
She can smell the perfume fumes in her nose as the crowds mocking and taunting followed her as she bolted down the school hallways further away.
Further.
Further.
But the words still stay. She swings the bathroom door opening, but it can't drown out her perfect and tuneful voice and her mean and vindictive words. They keep on playing over and over in her head like a broken record.
Over and over.
Over and over.
'You're such a loser.'
She flings herself into one of the stalls, the door slamming against the walls, hinges shaking. She blames her non existent fat for that.
'You'll never amount to anything in life.'
She fumbles with the lock, frustrated at her shaky hands and is pleased when she is finally able to slip it along, her mind satisfied with the small click it makes through the empty bathroom.
'Who would even remember your name if you weren't here?'
Her shoulder bag falls to the marble tiles with a small light clunk, her knees falling next to the delicate item that, in her opinion, should not belong to someone as horrid as her.
'Maybe you should just go die, give everyone else some more oxygen to breathe.'
Her hands push away items that have spilled from the bag, her finger desperately searching for a small box, her tips feeling for the soft Saturn ribbon.
'You're just a big waste of space.'
Her hands closes round the items she's been looking for, and like a wild animal she grabs it and tugs along the bow, both that and the lid being discarded for the moment onto the floor behind her.
'Attention whore. I would call you a slut but you've probably only ever kissed your mummy.'
All she can hear is the pounding off her heart, the blood pulsing through her veins as a lazy grin spreads across her face. The box falls from her grasp as she stares in ewe at the delicate object in her finger tips, shinning in the dull light.
'Lame.
She's seen the object plenty of times but every time she brings it out it's like the first.
'Fag.'
She bring the razor down to her wrist, the thrill of what she's about to do making the words start to fade in her ears.
Useless.'
At first there is a sharp pain, a tingle that makes her clench her teeth together.
'Pig.'
Then it starts to disappear, the pain she's been feeling on the inside starts to spread through the cut on her wrist.
'Stupid.'
She stares intrigued by the crimson drops, just like every time before and soon all she can feel is the pain on her skin and not in her heart.
'Ugly.'
Again and again the sharp edge breaks into her soft pink skin, her arms covered by droplets of blood and long jagged scars.
'Bitch.'
After a while even the sting in her cuts began to reduce, until her whole body starts to feel numb and she starts to feel... Nothing... Empty even.
'Lazy.'
She finish her finally finishes and many cuts as she can muster , her legs, arms and body now covered in the lines, old scabs from before reopened and yet again oozing with the hypnotising red substance.
'Retard.'
She lays her body out on the cold tiles, the white now stained in red, a wide psychotic grin formed on her now pale face as she hers the distant sounds of voices and a bell like tingling sound vibrate through the Walls.
'Whore.'
She hears the door open, she hears the scream, she hears it close again but she feels at peace, like she's floating on a cloud as her vision starts to blur.
'Attention seeker.'
The last thing she can remember is the sound of a thud, a tearful and panic stricken face above hers, the gasps and wails from in the nearby distance.
'Emo.'
Yet her body, her feelings, she feels so calm as she goes to a place in her mind where she can no longer be hurt, the sound of a plead being lost somewhere in the distance.
'Go die, no one will care..'
Then it all goes dark.