Puma

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HE FUCKING KILLED SOMEONE. HE’S BEEN SNEAKING INTO MY ROOM FOR THE PASSED THREE (?) NIGHTS.

WHY DO I KEEP FORGETTING THAT?

I stared wide-eyed at the back of Carter’s head as he walked in front of me to step through the doorway, taking us back into the hospital’s kitchen. My eyes went down from his dirty blond scruff of hair to see his hand in mine and that’s when he decided to run his thumb over my thumb and I seemed to forget everything I found out about him today.

It was just his parents, I mean…pfft. Probs deserved it.

As I mindlessly let Carter pull me over and down to sit at one of the round tables of the cafeteria, Debra said to us, “You guys stay here. I have to go get everyone else.”

She waddled away, leaving Carter and I alone in the empty room. No other patients were in here. Carter still held onto my hand. He moved them from his lap to rest on top of the granite table.

We were silent while the lunch ladies were clanking pots and running the tap in the back of the kitchen. Georgie came out with a giant metal pan, set it behind the sneeze guard, smiled at us, then returned to the kitchen.

I watched the ladies prepare lunch and bring it out until Carter instigated a conversation.

He said, fiddling with my fingers, “So I’m gonna take a guess and say you can’t eat lunch with me today either.”

Watching him sprawl my hand out flat by straightening his, I shrugged an answer. “Most likely – don’t do that,” I yipped, recoiling my hand away from him when he started scratching at my palm, tickling it. Carter’s mouth widened into a smile and he reached for my hand, so I smacked him on the forehead, telling him that he “Shoulda had a V8!”

His smile grew, though he gripped his head.

“Okay, ow.”

“Don’t tickle me.”

“Fine. Gimme.” He held his hand out for mine, and after a narrow look of warning, I slowly slipped my hand on the table. He took it in his and went back to fiddling with my fingers, tapping each nail at random, like in the tune of a song. He proved my assumption by groaning to me, “Great. Now you got Chili Peppers stuck in my head.”

I held up my free hand and smirked at him.

“I can smack it out of your head, if you want.”

“No, thanks.”

“Alright.”

He looked down and began to lightly drag his index finger down the length of my hand, back up to the tips of my fingers, then down to the starting of my wrist. Carter repeated it with all of my fingers. He was still tickling my palm, but I didn’t make a fuss and pushed my chin onto his shoulder, letting him continue.

I moved to rest my head against his arm and sighed, closing my eyes.

I was so tired. I gotta start sleeping. That could help. Maybe eat. Eh.

Hey, guys. Real talk time. Have I…been acting differently? You know, my personality – is it the same? This story just doesn't feel the same, like, especially since I’ve met Car-tar over here. I don’t know. I’m a lot more sarcastic and stuff.

I guess it’s just because it’s been a while since I’ve had the opportunity to flirt with someone – while single, I mean. It’s acceptable now. Not to mention that the person I’m now flirting with is a fellow dude male.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve done that.

I got used to being the dominate one in the relationship. It’s making me a little more…defensive now, I suppose, that I might not be this time.

The way/reason Ally and I ended may also play a role.

I’m still the same Tyler, though, you guys.

The same egotistical sociopathic manipulative douchebag you’ve all come to tolerate.

My eyes fluttered open when I felt a pressure on my head. Something tickled my nose as I stared at darkness. Carter had tipped his head to rest on mine, his hair in my face.

I ruined the possibly cute moment by sputtering in his ear.

“That counts as tickling,” I said, not bothering to move. He laughed but didn’t move away either.

“Oh?” he said. I could almost hear the smirk. “Deal with it.”

I huffed out an exaggerated sigh, but surrendered with a, “Kay.”

My sigh parted a section of his hair a smidge and I was able to see the lunch room had accumulated quite a number of people since we’ve gotten in here, and was slowly being filled with more.

I spotted Skip hanging with his homies and Cassie chillaxing with hers.

I wondered vaguely where Debra and/or Joy were. Perhaps Ann as well.

Hmm. Don’t care that much. Maybe I could eat lunch with Carter today.

I was about to take a nap on Carter’s shoulder when Ann came waltzing in with Lily. She made immediate eye contact with me and telepathically told me to rush on over there.

I sighed mentally and brought my hand up to knock the back of it onto Carter’s head. Before I slapped him, my eyes widened slightly when I noticed the seats at our table had all been taken by some people. I recognised them as the people Carter eats every meal with.

And about half of them were looking right at us.

I knocked my hand back to get Carter’s attention.

He grunted and grabbed my hand to stop me, but said, “Do you mind?”

I still locked eyes with Carter’s friends. For some reason, when I remembered Carter and I were holding hands, I did this weird twitch to get mine out of his. That made him heave his head up. He straightaway shoved his face into his palms and rubbed his eyes, then squinted to look around the table.

At the sight of their trays of food, he got a big smile on his face.

“Food!” He turned to me and grabbed for my hand again, standing. “Let’s go.”

I let him pull me up, but when he tried to pull me towards the line, I yanked back. To his confused face, I nodded in the direction of Ann and Lily as they waited for me to get my bum over to them.

I told him sadly, “I have to eat with them again.”

Carter actually frowned, like a genuine frown, looking to them.

“Oh.” He looked down to our hands that still held onto each other’s and briefly grabbed onto my open hand with his. He rubbed his thumb over mine. Then the puppy dog eyes. “You can’t tell them to fuck off?” he hinted sweetly.

“I would, but…I don’t think they’d like that.”

“So?”

“Carter -”

“Fine,” he whined like a child, stomping his foot. “Can we at least go through the line together?”

A smile effortlessly came to my face and I laughed with a shrug.

“We can try.”

“Great.”

I dragged him over with me to Lil and Ann. Ann didn’t seem to mind Carter coming up with me and instead clapped her hands together, saying, “Great. Now that everyone’s here, let’s get some food. I heard it’s pizza.”

Pizza?! Ah, the little pop-punker in my caving-in heart rejoiced at the news, cuz, ya know, my heart caves in when I look at you…pizza.

Poorly done Man Overboard references aside, I might actually eat today.

I made a sprint to the line and looked at the pre-cut slices of cheese pizza spaced out on the long pan that resided on the other side of that sneeze guard. Once receiving the yumminess, we went down the line, adding various foods to our trays.

I ended up adding a blueberry Jell-O, an applesauce, and a bottle of apple juice to mine. I was able to pay for my own lunch like the grown-up society says I am and waited for everyone else to get through.

Carter paid after me and took a step back to stand next to me. He smiled at me before he spontaneously went in for a quick kiss on my forehead and left me to stare after him in shock as he scampered off to his table.

This cheeky little murderer. Such a cutie.

I heard the faint sound of laughter and my eyes landed on the faces scattered around his table as his friends laughed at my reaction. I could only imagine how red my face suddenly became.

He…kissed me.

Cheeky, cheeky little shit.

It was only a forehead kiss, but still – that little shit.

Ann and Lily soon paid for their food. Lily y yo were taken over to our now reserved table.

I promptly dug into the pizza, which earned me a loud laugh from Ann.

Lunch was strangely easier today. It’s the pizza, for sure. So good. I thought lamely back to all the times Ally and I used to order Papa John’s then pig out in my room for the night and play video games then have sex.

Mmm. Sex.

Ugh. Hey, I’m getting back to my old self. Good or bad? Bad, I’d say, because guess what I ain’t getting any time soon. Sex.

Not that it even seemed inviting anymore. It’s the reason I’m so stupid.

My brows creased in disdain. God damn, I love her…miss her.

I hate myself.

I feel like if I don’t mention Ally every chapter or so, you guys will be pissed and be all like, ‘You don’t really care about her. You never talk about her anymore.’ or ‘Looks like he’s just forgetting everything they did and were, because I haven’t heard about her for half a page.’

But I do care about her. It might not be as evident to you guys because of how much of a dickwad I am, but I really did love her. I swear.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with Carter, because I mean, damn, tho. He’s obviously not mentally well; he could turn on me at any moment – and the whole Ally thing, like I shouldn’t move on already. We were together for a couple months shy of five years.

I…I need someone to take care of me. I can’t make it on my own. Remember? I was without Ally for about thirty minutes, thinking I’d never see her again, and look where I am now.

I can’t be alone.

Isn’t that just the most pathetic thing you ever heard?

He might just be rebound, yeah.

I left the crust of the pizza on the tray and glugged down the apple juice, finishing my lunch first today. I waited for everyone else and once they were done, we had to wait about five more minutes for lunch to be over.

In those five minutes, I initiated a chat with Ann.

I brought up the pool and, since I had no knowledge of there being a pool behind the hospital prior to coming here, I asked what we were supposed to do if we didn’t plan ahead and bring a swimming costume.

“I think they have some extras up by the lost and found; it’s right behind the nurse’s station.” When my face grimaced in disgust, Ann chuckled and said, “If you’re not in the mood for wearing a hand-me down of bacterial breeding ground, I believe they also have a few newer swimsuits in the gift shop.”

That’s better. I told her I was all up for the latter option and she said we could stop by before we go upstairs.

Great.

But – oh, god. I was going to be an eyesore. All these dumb scars were going to show. The only person other than thyself who has seen them recently was Nurse Jack and Ally. Al’s grown to accept that they are there. Everyone else…they don’t know how severe. I haven’t even looked in a while – at the ones not on my arms.

I hate looking. It just…it makes me wanna hurl.

It kinda gets to you when you see how badly you’ve treated yourself. It all finally clicks. Then triggers you to make your body worse.

Conundrum, right?

But the pool, you guys. Gahhhh. Nice little distraction, hopefully.

I spent the rest of the five minutes thinking about the pool…and a bit of that time questioning why there was even a pool behind the hospital anyway, like what the fuck. (Author: I don’t know. It’s sort of important for a later scene, kay.)

Now I wondered what the scene could be.

Better not be some dumb, cliché kissing scene between Carter and I. (Author: Oh, it’s not. mwahahahaha. Hello, readers. It’s six a.m. when I’m writing this. mwahahaha.)

Ah, man. More inner dialogue. I'm way too in my head right now. I’m sorry. Let’s get back to the story.

Once lunch had ended, Ann took our trays up, and as we waited for her return, Tartar Sauce came charging up behind me. It was just a rough poke to both my sides and that was all he did to get my attention.

I turned to see his big smirk back on his face.

“Goin’ up?” he asked.

I nodded, casting an eye towards Ann. “In a few. Ann’s putting up our trays.”

“Mmm,” he said, that smirk growing. “Mind if I…tag along?”

“If you’re that desperate…” I trailed, getting him to drop his jaw in fake shock. “I guess you may.”

“Great. I will.”

“Fine.”

I peeked to see Ann making her way back over to us just as Carter tried to pry open my unintentionally balled up fist. I eyed his fingers as they succeeded. With a light chuckle, he slipped his fingers around mine.

I got this…weird feeling in my stomach. I don’t know if it’s good or not.

Didn’t feel right.

Carter peered at our locked hands, bringing them closer to his face. His eyes flashed to me.

“You’ve got big hands,” he observed, smirking widely.

“Well, you know what they say about big hands.” I yanked mine from his. “The better to slap bitches with.”

He let out an amused chuckle before Ann returned and did a face-count. Saying that everyone was here, she led us out of the dining hall. We continued down and attempted to bypass the small groups of patients waiting for the lift.

Oh, yeah. That’s fixed, btw. Forgot to tell ya.

As I was saying, we attempted. Reaching the lift, Carter detached from our group and looked at us confused as we kept on truckin’.

“Uh…?” I heard him say, causing us to stop and laugh at him.

Ann explained, “Tyler needs a swimsuit.”

Carter’s smirk was there yet again.

“Ooh, so you’re telling me I get to see that half-naked?”

Ann laughed out while Lily rolled her eyes, laughing, as well. I inhaled a breath of air, reluctantly gesturing to myself.

“It’s nothing special. Honestly, it’s just a bunch of scars. Quite pitiful, actually. You might vomit. Bring a barf-bag.”

“I’ve seen worse,” he said, chuckling. Remindful. Factual.

Still, I shrugged, turning my back to him, walking away.

“Alright, but I warned you…”

Ann led us further down to the gift shop. The little shop was decorated with bright, multi-coloured fairy lights and some white sets as well, mostly around the clerk’s desk. A cute Filipino lady stood on the other side, flipping through a book with a yellow paperback cover. The outline of a human, shoulders up, let me know it was It’s Kind Of A Funny Story by Ned Vizzini – RIP, mate. RIP.

Lily headed right for the stuffed animals sprawled about the entire left side of the shop; I spotted the Tyger Oakly and Joey Graceffa look-alikes and smiled, looking around the store some more as Ann directed Carter and I over to the farthest section of the shop.

Amongst the shelves of lotions and mini-Bibles was a very limited selection of swimming costumes.

“Are cozzies somethin’ common in every hospital gift shop or what?” I asked Ann with a short laugh, eyeing the Hawaiian flower print of a particular pair of trunks.

“Cozzies?” Ann said perplexed.

I matched her confused face but then realised, ‘Ah, the tiredness was here yet again causing me to retreat back to Oz slang,’ and I translated, “Swimming costumes.”

“Oh. Nope. They’re in this hospital as result of the pool being built in the back. It’s mainly used for recreational therapy for the ones who severely hurt themselves and needed it for recovery, by the way – also seen it used for a little thing called ‘flooding’ therapy, which is for phobia-type therapy, you know, someone’s scared of water for whatever reason, drown them in the pool – just kidding - but as of a few months ago, we decided to use it for something a little fun for the patients. Being cooped up inside 24/7 doesn’t sit well with most. This is our way of reminding them that they’re still people, they’re alive and deserve some fun like everyone else. Takes their mind of what’s happened to them.”

I had stopped listening about halfway through her dialogue when a pair of tie-dyed stripped trunks caught my attention, fading back in when she made the drowning patients joke. Once she was done with her extended explanation, I just said, “Mmm. That’s sweet of you guys,” and killed a few seconds before switching topics.

I grabbed the tie-dye trunks and showed them to Carter. “Ace?”

“Gay,” he said, laughing. “Perfect.”

“Thought so, too.” I found my size and folded them over my forearm, scanning through the others. I asked him, “You’ve got a set of togs, don’t you? Any of these?”

I did it again. Togs. I meant trunks.

“Yeeeeaah,” Carter trailed, creasing his brows at me. He nudged my shoulder. “American English, please.”

I rolled my eyes. “Swimming trunks. What’s your look like?”

His eyes now scanned the racks and landed on a pair. He went, “Ah,” grabbing the trunks decorated with pieces of fruit scattered over a horrible pastel yellow. He held them up and smiled at me.

He explained, “Because I’m so fruity.”

I cracked a smile at his joke.

“Fitting.”

“Thanks.”

We looked around the shop for a few more minutes until Lily moaned to us that she was feeling lightheaded. Ann was an angel. She paid for my swimming costume and took us back up to the fourth floor and ditched Carter and I to take Lily to see Nurse Jack.

We joined Hunter in the lounge and indulged ourselves in reruns of Will and Grace til the time for group therapy was upon us. We picked three seats next to each other and plopped down, going into another conversation as we waited for Matterhorn to start the repetitive session.

He still attempted to get me and Hunter to add our two cents today but we declined.

He expectantly shifted his attention to Carter. “Any improvement?” I could almost feel Carter tense beside me. When I felt his fingers clutch down lightly on my knee, I remembered he had started to make absentmindedly touching me something routine. Matterhorn’s eyes went to Carter’s hand but he didn’t tell him we were breaking rule number *random number*.

Carter had shrugged at his question.

“A bit,” he said, slightly less vague than before. It was like he was just about ready to share. Maybe it’s because I knew now. Matterhorn caught Carter’s tone and lit up with a smile.

“That’s great. Elaborate?”

“There’s not much to add,” Carter chuckled. “I’m feeling better now – a bit.”

“Any particular reason why?”

I prayed to God Carter wasn’t going to tip me a glance and relaxed when he didn’t.

He said instead, “I made friends.”

“See?” Matterhorn said, beaming even brighter. “There’s nothing a little friendship can’t help – share your thoughts and problems with the right people and recovery is just a few steps away.”

That was a quote – from the motivational book Ally gave me. Rephrased a bit but wow. He’s got bad taste. Why would he ever buy that for himself? Well, he is a group therapist, after all.

Matterhorn took his attention from Carter to the other side of the formed circle of chairs. They landed on that dreadhead. Jeremy, I think?

“Jamie,” Matterhorn indirectly corrected my mental question. There’s so many goddamn names to remember, you guys. I have no fuckin’ clue anymore as to who is who if they’re not in the immediate cast of main-ish characters – though this fool is gonna be quite the cunt later on. Heads up – the bitch.

Anywhoo, Jamie’s dreads knocked him in the eye when he was startled into a sitting position by Matterhorn’s sudden acknowledgement.

“What?”

“Why don’t you talk some today? It’s been a while.”

Jamie sighed but spoke up.

“I’m off Xanax, so I can’t sleep. My roommate mumbles, so I can’t sleep. He expects answers, so I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep, basically.”

A couple laughs filtered around the room making James smile. Matterhorn nodded understandably.

He taunted, “Is no sleep affecting your behaviour?”

“I’m a lot more agitated,” he said shrugging. “Hornier too.”

I was suddenly a lot more attracted to Jamie while half the room let out cackles and the other half rolled their eyes. Carter was a part of the unamused side; Hunter was holding her sides as she laughed.

I guess this explains why he was boning Barbie – JESS in the stairway the other day.

Could he perhaps be a bit bi-curious?

Just kidding. I don’t want that bitch.

Carter’s my rebound. Then again…he’s got that murderous quality that says I should flee away from him.

Matterhorn took back over once the mixed reactions died down.

He wasn’t that amused by Jamie’s TMI statement and scolded him for being inappropriate. Jamie’s smirk disappeared but he shrugged in defence, keeping his mouth shut.

And with that, the session was over.

Back upstairs to the lounge Hunter, Carter and I went to catch then end of Space Jam.

Dudes, I just realised this…all of our names end with ‘er’ – or ‘ah’ if it was me saying them out loud.

Totally an accident.

Two o’clock was now only ten minutes away. Space Jam had ended five minutes ago and all of our monotonous conversations were interrupted by Georgie telling us that if we wanted to go for a swim, we were allowed to go change into our chosen swimming costumes.

And right on cue, Joy waltzed in from the hallway. I knocked my head and groaned at her appearance. C and H laughed at my sudden displeased reaction.

“What?” Hunter laughed. “I’ve heard the pool is actually pretty alright.”

“It’s not that,” I grumbled, heaving myself up from the couch. “I’ve got therapy.”

“Oh.”

“That sucks.”

“It does.” I began to circle away from the couch when Joy held up her hands to stop me.

“Therapy’s a no-go,” she told me sadly, leaning her hands on the back of the couch.

“No?”

“Dr. Kasler’s out today. She’s got a little personal ‘issue’ she’s got to take care of. Hopefully, she’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Oh. Well…”

“Yep. In the meantime, enjoy the pool.”

Carter cheered, most likely at the notion that I’d be joining them for a swim. Joy left the lounge to go stand at the nurse’s station and a good amount of the people in here stood to head for their rooms, us being three of them.

We separated out in the hall, Carter striding to the second to last door before the hall took a turn for another and Hunter continued pass the bend for the girls’ rooms. I opened the door to my room and stepped in to find Skip napping away.

I grabbed my cozzie from my bed and shut the bathroom door behind me.

I eyed the tie-dyed piece of swim wear and shook my head, but slipped off my clothes to change into the trunks. I kept on my own boxers just in case these were reused cozzies.

You guys see where ‘cozzies’ come from, right? Swimming COStumes?

Yeah. More, uh, slang that I would be using with my sister…if she cared anymore.

Anyway.

I’m wasting time now because I unfortunately got a glimpse of myself. All those mistakes on my body. The times when I was such an idiot and let it show by ripping apart my skin like a bloody imbecile.

But, as Debra once said to me, I won’t be the only one out there with scars.

I still sighed disgruntled, staring down at the white gauze on my arms. Should I even swim with stitches, especially since one of these bitches won’t heal? Not to mention my neck. I have yet to even go near it. I don’t know how bad it really is.

Eh – I looked into the mirror, scowled at myself before tipping my head back to scratch at the bandages around my throat. The itch intensified and I ripped the gauze off as fast as I could, the sensation overtaking the itch and dulling it.

I kept my eyes on the ceiling as I felt around where the tape used to be, my fingers sticking slightly to the leftover residue. One of my fingertips brushed over a raised line that ran horizontally over the front of my neck.

They recoiled away and I angled my gaze to the mirror. The scabbing cut trailed across my Adam’s apple making me wary to swallow ever again. There were no stitches holding together the scrape. I guess I didn’t try all that hard. Clearly did more damage to my wrists.

My stomach cramped, nonetheless.

I rubbed my fingers along the length of the wound until my stomach cramped even more, then I removed the bandages from my forearms.

Much better than a few days ago when I last looked. There was still that one large cut that refused to catch up with the others. It had scabbed over more than before but was tense and tight when I balled my fist up, stretching the skin.

I was shocked when I noticed one of the cuts on my right arm wasn’t held together by pieces of string. I was sure they all were stitched.

I decided to blame those stitches that fall out on their own. Those exist, right? I think I’ve had a few of those before.

I ogled at my arms and neck for a few more minutes til I grew bored of stalling and left the bathroom. I went over to my cabinet and got out a baggie white T-shirt with a The Story So Far logo on the top left. I pulled it on after locking my drawer.

I ditched my slippers at the foot of my bed and exited out into the hallway.

Carter and Hunter stood out by the door, talking to each other about chocolate. They dropped the convo when I stepped out. Hunter looked real good, man. Her big 'fro was up in a bun, leaving her freckled shoulders bare. The top of her bikini had splotches of purple and yellow over the stretchy white material. It was tied behind her back by purple strings. Her bottoms matched the top, at least that’s what I could tell from the purple strings that peeked out over her black shorts that stopped less than halfway down her thigh.

She had the most beautiful light brown skin. Though there were scars tapering down her legs and trailing over her ribs, she looked great - and she had a little pudgy belly, aw. I love it.

She wore black thongs on her feet. Her toes were painted a green.

Damn. I miss girls. Already.

Thongs are flip flops, by the way. Not a g-string.

I gave a look to Carter and tried to hide my frown. His torso was covered by a white towel. The bits of his arms and chest that were showing had bruises covering them. It was a range of colours, varying from severity. There were even some on his legs.

I squinted when my eyes caught the faint dark purple lines on his chest as he repositioned the towel over his shoulders. I didn't get much a look at them before he got my attention with a teasing smile on his face.

He groaned, “What’s with the shirt? I can’t see the goods.”

I plastered my hands to my chest and mimicked Fred (Lucas Cruikshank) as I said, “I’m uncomfortable with my body.” They laughed and I gestured to Carter’s towel. “Where can I get one of those? They don’t have ‘em in the rooms.” Suicide risk or something.

He pointed towards the nurse’s station where a big cardboard box sat on top of the counter, Georgie behind it, handing the towels to patients coming up.

“Georgie’s handing them out.”

“Well, I think I’ll go grab one,” I said in falsetto, hiking my knees up to march away and strolled off to where Georgie stood. I greeted Georgie with a smile and she gave one right back.

“Need a towel, my dears?” she asked cheerily, looking between Hunter and I.

“A towel would be great,” Hunter said back just as happily.

“Two comin’ right up.” She grabbed us a couple and forked them over with a big smile on her face.

She divided a look between me and Hunter. “You two are new here, right? This is going to be your first dip in the pool. Isn’t it such a great idea? A pool. I never would’ve considered putting one behind a mental hospital. Ha!”

Heh. Yeah, right?

Hunter and I laughed in agreement with Georgie. We all wasted a few minutes hanging over by Georgie until Debra was at our side. With her was the usual group, well, actually just Casey. Lil's probably got moved to her new room on whatever floor. Right as I was about to ask where Skip was she told us he was in no shape for the pool.

You know… I don’t think I’ve ever stopped to wonder what the fuck Skip was doing here. He’s like a zillion year old man. I’m gonna guess maybe he just really doesn’t see the point in him living anymore, tries to off himself and gets put in here so someone else can watch over him.

He hasn’t tried around me yet. Hopefully never will.

He’d probably be keen on the idea of someone unhooking his respirator. I won’t, but now I don’t feel as bad for thinking if it was something he wanted.

Uhm. Anyway. Wow, I’m starting to think like Carter. Just kill everyone, why don’t I?

Which reminds me WHY AM I STILL HANGING AROUND HIM?!?!!??!

I’m dumb. I don’t know.

Instead of taking us out to the pool through the door in the kitchen, Debra led us out a large glass sliding door. I didn’t really describe how the downstairs looked or the cafeteria, did I? As a dumb alternative to concrete walls, big glass windows lined the sides of the building. Only on the first floor. When you step out of the lift, glass windows with blinds blocked the horrendous sunlight. In the dining room, tables looked out to the parking lots and the woods.

Nice view, but doors, you guys. Be smart. I’m surprised I have yet to see someone try to break out.

We were taken out through the dining room’s doors. We stepped out into a parking lot then had to walk passed the corner to get to the back of the building. A little less than a kilometre away was the pool. It had previously been covered with a blue tarp, but now the crystal clear water showed and ripped as people cannonballed in.

Wicker chairs lined the edge of the pool with people lounging in them. Mostly nurses.

Now only about ten feet from the pool, Debra told us that she was going to go back with Skip and watch him.

“I’ll be back to get you guys around three.”

We mumbled ‘alright’s and ‘goodbye’s and watched her strode away. Strode reminds me of chode. It’s funny to say.

Strode.

Chode.

Strode.

Ch - yup.

Hunter startled me when she suddenly started jumping up and down in the air, clapping her hands together as she cheered loudly. I raised my brow at her and she grinned.

“Pooooool!” she exclaimed, whipping off her towel, throwing it down on an empty chair. Then straightaway cannonballed into the pool. A wave of water pulsed over the side and Carter and I were smart enough to jump out of the way while Cassie screamed when the wave smacked her back a feet inches.

Hunter resurfaced in time to hear Cas scold her shrilly and stomp off to grumble.

“Pussy!” she called after her, laughing wildly. She just said – oh, Hunter. Little girl is growing up. She continued to shout vulgarities at them until a nurse snapped at her to shut up. Hunter giggled and tipped to lay on her back, kicking her feet to move her around the pool.

She yelled to us, “Get in here! Water’s great!”

She hummed to herself and I exchanged a glance with Carter. He shrugged before throwing his towel aside and battled cried, jumping in. I had leaned in slightly to try and get another good look at his chest when the water ricocheted out and drenched me. My arms spread out and I looked down to see my shirt cling to my body.

Well. No use keeping it on now.

I thanked them both sarcastically, peeling the top off. Carter cheered like an idiot and I whipped the shirt at him. It whacked him hard in the face making me laugh out. I prayed my stitches wouldn’t react badly to the chlorine in the pool and dove in.

Ten minutes later, I’m sitting in the Nurse Jackie’s office with Hunter and Carter at my side as Jackie tried to remove the stitches from my arms. So chlorine has the ability to dissolve stitches and half of my cuts, mainly the pretty mighty one, had started to bleed since they had reopened. Jackie has to restitch them and it’s gonna fucking kill.

It did.

Carter and Hunter are great friends. They laughed every time the needle poked through my skin and I yelped like a girl.

Soon, the hell was over and my arms and neck were rebandaged. They stung even worse than they should have since she had to disinfect them both as well.

Fun fact, even the cleanest pools have bacteria in them; chlorine eats away whatever material stitches are made out of and stitches are a bitch to be put in.

Don’t swim with stitches in. It’s dumb.

“You’re going back to your room?” Carter said frowning when I made no effort to follow them into the lounge.

I didn’t turn back to them. I just put my arms in the air after flinging my still mildly drenched shirt over my shoulder.

“I’m gonna cry myself to sleep. Goodbye.”

They laughed and didn’t protest, letting me limp to my room. Skip slept in his bed and Debra had pulled a chair up to sit at his side. She looked up from her magazine and watched me fall on my bed.

“What are you doing here?” she asked flattening the mag on her lap. “It’s not three yet.”

To answer, I put my arms in the air a second time.

“Not allowed to swim.”

“Ah.”

I still had my towel with me and wiggled on the bed, wrapping it around me. I stared at the phone that sat on top of the bedside table and sighed.

I wish I knew Ally’s number by heart. Maybe I could be the man and call her.

No. I had to forget her. She’s forgetting about me.

I frowned and rolled over onto my other side, staring out the barred window.

I felt something that started to scare me. A boner and it wasn't mine - just kidding. I didn’t want to leave here. I wasn’t going to have anyone when I left. No one cared enough to come visit me in here; why would they be there when I left?

My mood dampened even more and I forced myself to block out the loud roar of Skip’s respirator and made myself sleep. I awoke again to a quiet and empty room.

Flopping onto my back, I angled my head to check the time.

Ten after four.

No Ally.

My chest felt hallow and my throat ached. I was so alone. I was so tired.

I laid in my bed until dinner was ready.

Once I had changed into a pair of jeans, I got on my slippy-sloppies and joined Ann out in the hallway. She took Carter and I down into the lunchroom. We went through the line together but separated once we paid for our food. Carter had put a soft kiss on my forehead and smiled before he walked of.

I smiled back at him fleetingly, but it was forced. Not even Carter made me feel better. No one was ever going to replace her.

At the table, I shoved my chin into the palm of my hand and picked the strawberry seeds from the yogurt and peeled the pepperonis off the pizza.

My current mental state must’ve been obvious. Ann looked at me oddly.

She asked me, “You okay, honey?”

“No.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I moved my tray and dropped my head onto the table.

“I wouldn’t put your face on that table, if I were you. Someone vomited on it last period.”

“I don’t care,” I said muffled, hoping maybe I might catch some bacteria from the tabletop and die.

Ann was mute a few moments, then she sighed at me.

“What if I bring that boy over here to eat with us?” she offered. “Would that make you feel better? It looks like he wants to be over here.” I didn’t look to see what she meant and didn’t answer either. I heard her scrape her chair back and say, “I’ll go get him.”

She stood and shuffled away, returning seconds later with another body.

“Talk to him,” she said to who I assumed was Carter. “He’s not feeling well.”

“What’s wrong?” he asked her.

“He won’t tell.”

Two sets of chairs scraped almost in unison. Ann sat down in her chair and Carter pulled one over to sit next to me. He leaned an elbow on the table and sighed, one of his hands coming up move through my fringes.

“What’s wrong?” he asked me this time. His tone was soft. Concerned.

I answered shortly.

“Nothing. I’m tired.”

“We’re all tired,” he pointed out. “What’s your reason?”

I finally sat up and slouched back in my chair. My eyes were beginning to burn and I bit at the inside of my lip.

My mouth quivered.

“She doesn’t care anymore.”

“Who?”

“She doesn’t -…I…” I dropped the sentence. Carter didn’t push me to elaborate. He scooted his chair closer and slipped his hand around my waist, pulling me over to rest my head on his shoulder.

He stayed silent and offered a couple kisses to the top of my head as support. We remained like this for the rest of dinner. He was being so sweet and considerate. I couldn’t imagine him ever being a dick.

He better stay like this.

He was the same for the rest of the day. I went back upstairs and into the lunge with him and Hunter and we spent hours having a Johnny Depp marathon.

Nine o’clock rolled around and we went to get our drugs. At ten, “Light’s out!” was shouted and we were sent to our rooms. My ass passed out the second I hit my mattress.

I was awoken abruptly at eleven to my stomach growling loudly and cramping like I was on my period.

It hurt to lay down, so I tried sitting. It helped momentarily, then ten minutes later, right as I was about to fall asleep, my stomach cramped up again. More painfully than before.

I switched back and forth between lying on my back and sitting up straight for about thirty more minutes until I felt my throat unfortunately tighten. Seconds later, I felt today’s meals try to force themselves up my throat.

My hand cupped over my mouth, the other gripping onto my stomach.

I choked the food back down and realised instantly that was a mistake.

It forced itself back up more powerfully and I made a dash for the bathroom, skidded to kneel in front of the toilet and hurled.

That pizza was a bad idea. This has happened one other time before. I accidentally fasted for a couple days, binged on pizza roles, and vomited later on the night from freaking my body out by suddenly eating again.

But I didn’t understand – I ate breakfast this morning and dinner too. It’s not like I was off food for days like the time before.

I just probably ate too fast.

Gah. I wiped my mouth, gargled with water and trekked back to bed where I laid wide awake unable to sleep with my thoughts and Skip’s breathing apparatus keeping me alert.

I yanked myself under my covers when it became one in the morning and the door creaked open as Carter let himself into my room.

It was a repeat of last night except this time Carter whispered to me, “I’ll fix this. I promise.” I waited for him to put a pillow over my face but it never happened. He kissed my forehead then left.

I pondered on what ‘I’ll fix this’ meant and fell asleep minutes later.