Puma

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MONDAY - DAY FIVE.
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Ya know what? I’m done being a sappy sad sap, ‘cuz it’s kind of really fucking annoying, so from this moment on, no more talk of Ally. No more whining. No more thinking about the past.

I am a new person.

I’m mooooooovin’ oooonnnnnn. *Hayley Williams’ voice*

YEAH.

This is probably not going to last very long, but right now, I’m feeling kickass, y’all.

Heck yeah. The maaaaaaann.

I turned to the bathroom mirror again before slouching from the restroom and out into Skip and I’s room. Closing the door, I stretched and managed to make the loudest pornstar moan in my entire life.

Unfortunately, Carter was there.

He gave me the most bewildered look ever but laughed as he lounged on my bed.

“What the hell was that?” he snorted. “Is that just the effect I have on you?”

“Dream on. I saw myself in the mirror and I was like, ‘Damn, would tap.’ Dude, I’m in a good mood,” I added, running in place. “Ruin it and I’ll ruin yo’ face.”

He mimicked Von Matterhorn. “Any particular reason why?”

I took a break from hiking my knees up and said, “Tyler’s got his groove back.” – I smacked my hands together and stomped towards the door. – “Let’s clean these rooms like our family’s welfare depends on it!”

He laughed again, but joined me out in the hall. Debra gave us our rooms for the day and we headed once more to the girls’ dorms. It was a lot like Saturday, just a tad different when we went out for our smoke break.

As I sat down, Carter repositioned his plastic chair towards me. I stuck the cigarette between my lips and raised one of my brows at him.

I took on the Von Matterhorn impression.

“Any particular reason you did that, Carter?”

“Better view of you,” he said cheekily, flashing a big smile at me.

I shrugged understandably, breathing out a puff of smoke.

“Any view would do, but that one works, as well.”

“You say that a lot.”

“What?”

He mocked me in a terrible ‘Outback’ Australian accent.

“‘As well’ – what’s with that?”

“I don’t say it that much,” I defended myself, sitting up straight. “And no Australian has talked like that in ages.”

“Do too say it a lot.” He began to mimic me again, “‘Can you grab that, as well? Would you get in my bed, as well? How about you kiss me, Carter, as well? Page three hundred and ninety-four, as well. May the odds be ever in your favour, as well. In that, as well, moment, I, as well, swore we were, as well, infinite, as well.’ – just after everything. As well, as well, as well.”

I stared at him with a blank expression, though I was mildly impressed by the Perks quote, and took a drag from my cigarette.

“Your face is stupid,” – and before he could say anything, I jolted forward, blew the smoke right in his face, and said with a thick Steve Irwin drawl – “as well, mate.” I stayed bent forward until a smirk appeared on his face, then I leaned back coolly, saying, “See? You gotta add the ‘mate’ at the end. Just ties at all together nicely. Don’t you agree? This when you say ‘Strewth!’”

He smirked even bigger and improved his Aussie imitation to something somewhat believable.

“Strewth,” he said slowly. He winked. “Mate.”

I huffed a heap of air out of my nose as I snorted at him.

“Oh, fuckin’ hell. I can’t take you seriously.”

“Fine,” he smiled. “Take me on a bed.”

“Can’t,” I said with a solemn shake to my head. “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

“Oh, no, not the Bible!” he fake cried, twisting his fists under his eyes. “Don’t tell me you just quoted the Bible,” he continued and then dropped the act. “Look at that. I’m straight now.”

I laughed out at him.

“My work here is done.” I congratulated myself, buffing my nails against my shoulder. Carter chuckled and applauded.

“You work miracles.”

“Well, you know…”

He chuckled, “Yeaaahh,” and that’s when our conversation seemed to end. I sunk back further into my chair and drooped my hands over the arms of my seat. I flicked the ashes off the end of the cigarette and watched them tumble to the ground.

I looked to the small circular table in between Carter and I’s chairs when something moving caught my eye.

Crawling around the top of the table was a tiny red ladybug. It made feeble attempts at climbing up the side of the muddy brown clay pot meant to be an ashtray, but flipped over onto its back whenever it tried.

Soon, it gave up and decided to wander away from the ashtray, travelling around the table.

I had begun to smile when the ladybug roamed towards Carter.

I felt a wave of excite rush through me.

“Oh, look, Carter. A ladybug.”

My world shattered when I heard Carter murmur out an “Hmm,” before smashing the ladybug to death with his fist. The abrupt sound made Debra’s head snap to us. I was afraid my jaw would unhinge from shock.

I – the ladybug, when he smashed it, there was this noise – like, it screamed…I...oh, wow.

It was like it happened in slow motion. He brought his fist back up to give a look before wiping it hard against the leg of his pants.

“It’s just a bug,” he said to my flabbergasted face. “It’s not like its life actually mattered anyway.”

I had to find my voice. I nodded stiffly.

“Mmm, yeah. You might want to wash that hand.” Then set it one fire to punish it for killing a poor bug like that.

“A bug,” he said again. “No big deal.”

I put my hands up. “Alright. Whatever.” I slowly brought the cigarette back to my mouth, mumbling, “It had a family, a career, a home loan to apply for…”

“Probably had too much credit,” he countered, chuckling. “Wouldn’t have worked out in the long run.”

“Ah, so you are an adult,” I beamed, trying to forget what just happened. Carter smiled and nodded.

“So it seems.” He put his cigarette between his lips and gave me a hard look. “What was up your butt the other day? – as much as it pains me to say, I know it wasn’t me.” He winked at me and I scoffed a laugh again. He continued, “Who’s this ‘she’?”

After a brief moment of understandable hesitation, I summed up, “My best friend – was my best friend.”

“What happened?”

“I hurt her.”

“How?”

I reluctantly pushed out a chuckle, shaking my head slightly.

“I’m not -” I sighed trying to figure out what I wanted to say. “I don’t want to give anything away specifically, because I would still like to believe that there is this confidentiality between me and her and that, hopefully, she’s respecting it, as well, and isn’t going around telling other people about what happened. I don’t want to be any more of a douche to her than I already was and just start giving away all these really, really personal details about us like that confidentiality never existed. I don’t believe that is at all okay. I owe her at least that much.” I broke the stream of precise and articulate words and looked at him with uncertainty. “Ya know?”

“Oh, completely,” Carter nodded in utter respect. “No, I would want the same to be taken in consideration for me. I was just...curious. It’s obviously bugging you a lot. I thought maybe talking would help. I’m trying to fix it all and make it better.”

That choice of words –

I used the same tone back at him.

“I get that, too. Maybe talking would help. I know it would. It’s just that I’m trying to forget about her and bringing her up constantly isn’t taking me anywhere but down. It’s not helping me get over her at all.”

Carter now pushed out an apologetic chuckle, saying, “I’m sorry I brought it up. Again, I just wanted to help.”

“I know you were.”

I turned my head away from him and looked off to the tarp-covered pool. I looked to my cigarette then to him. I didn’t want to talk about Ally anymore. I told myself just earlier that I would let her go, but now that she was brought up by someone other than me, I wanted to explain myself, and try to keep it as vague as possible – for my sake and hers.

Another hesitation and then I tried to say it, but it wouldn’t come out. I dropped it.

We sat and smoked a few more cigarettes before heading back inside, carrying on with the day.

Around two, I walked to the first therapy session with Kas that I’ve had in about two-ish days. She wasn’t here Sunday either. Apparently, that’s her day off.

Reaching the third floor, I departed from Joy and knocked on Kasler’s closed door.

To my relief, there was an answer.

The door was pulled open and she stood on the other side with an apologetic smile.

“Tyler,” she said, stepping back to let me walk in. “I’m so sorry about Saturday. Some personal issues came up.”

“It’s fine,” I told her, dropping down onto the purple valeted sofa. I laughed, “You’re allowed to have problems, too.”

She laughed, as well – too – “Sometimes I forget that,” closing the door to her office. She made her way towards her desk where she grabbed her handy dandy notebook and a pen. Sitting in the chair across from me, she said, “I’m so glad you understand. I had a patient go off on me in the session before yours.”

“Seriously?”

“Unfortunately.” Kasler cleared her throat, bringing one of her legs over the others knee. She flipped to a blank page and smiled at me again. “How was Saturday for you – and the rest of Friday, for that matter? Sunday?”

Not much jumped out at me from those three days, though something probably should have. My panic attack over Ally not coming to visit.

But I didn’t want to talk about her anymore.

I shrugged.

“I got to go to the pool Saturday. That was…bittersweet.”

“How so?”

“My stitches started to fall out because of the chlorine. My arms got all red and itchy. It was real gnarly.”

“I bet. But they’re all better now?”

I nodded. “I’m supposed to be getting them out in a few days, hopefully.”

“That’s great.” She switched topics, asking seriously, “How have you been, emotionally?”

“Fine. Could be better.”

“Is the Abilify helping at all? The Zoloft?”

I decided to lie to her and nodded.

“Oh, loads. Helps me sleep.”

“Nights can be the worst,” she said understandably, nodding as she jotted my white lie down. Her eyes scanned the sheet of paper and then the few before it.

“Now, this Hunter girl you’ve told me about – are you still friends with her?”

“Oh, yeah. She’s really nice.”

“I think so too. She’s one of my clients. Such a sweet girl.”

I thought about Kasler’s major. Abuse and addictions. I hope Hunter wasn’t abused and tried to kill herself. That’d be the pits. I’d rather her be addicted to crack.

I murmured sounds of agreement to Kas’ thoughts on Hunter and went quiet before bringing someone else up.

I didn’t bother to hide the smile from my voice.

“I made another friend, too.”

“Oh?” Kasler grinned at me. “Tell me about them.”

“He…” I tried to think of a way to explain Carter in a nutshell. He likes to brutally murder people. But he’s really cute. He murdered a bug this morning.

With a laugh, I went with, “Massive flirt.”

Kasler chuckled sharply. “Mmm. Of course. Lady’s man,” she remarked.

“Man’s man, actually,” I corrected. “He’s quite gay. At least that’s what he’s told me.”

Her eyes flicked up from her notebook and she took a second before she smiled.

“Oh. Does he flirt much with you?”

“Oh, nonstop.”

“And – you’re okay with this?” Her tone wasn’t shocked or appalled. It was more like she was making sure it wasn’t making me uncomfortable and since it wasn’t, I snickered.

“Hey, I’m desperate. I’ll take a compliment from anyone.”

Kasler’s smile relaxed and she laughed.

“I’m that way, too, sometimes. Tell me more about him,” she urged, sitting back in her chair. “Do you think there’s a chance your relationship will turn…romantic?”

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” I said to her last question, though my mind was like ‘no duh.’ I continued to explain Carter’s character, saying, “Well, first of, his name is Carter – he seriously reminds me of Tate Langdon from American Horror Story – do you know what that is? Anyway, Carter – or I guess I should say Evan Peters. That's the actor that plays Tate; blond hair and those deadly eyes…he’s really nice, as well, Carter is, but,” – I bit the inside of my lip but didn’t bother to add any other alternative for ‘as well’ and went on. “Like I said, massive flirt. And he’s so upfront about his sexuality, which is…refreshing. I know that if I ever look in the mirror and hate what I see, I know I can go see him and he’ll say I resemble an angel. It’s really nice. Kind of like Skip, but not as creepy since he’s around my age -”

“Carter,” Kasler said, interrupting me. “Did you say his name was Carter?”

I slowly nodded at her. “Yup. Why?”

“Blond hair?” she repeated. “Dark brown eyes?”

Again, my nod was slow and confused.

“Yup. Why? You know him?”

“I think I know who you’re talking about. Carter Lewis?”

What the fuck – I thought we went over this. I tried to keep my composure. Keep it…balanced. Balanced and…Composed. That’s a band. Balance and Composure. You should look them up.

“Don’t know his last name,” I said to Kas, “but that could be it.”

“Do you see him often?”

“He goes down with me to breakfast, lunch and dinner – and I work with him – so yeah, a lot.”

“What kind of job do you two do?”

“We clean out rooms and get them all ready for new patients.” I finally picked up the new tone in Kasler’s voice that she used ever since she interrupted my recount of Carter. The same tone as before, concerning but now with a bit of an edge to it. I felt a chill tiptoe up my spine. “Why? Is something going on with him?”

“I can’t discus,” she said shortly. “He’s not one of my clients. I’ve just…heard some things. You should take caution with him.”

“Why?” I asked again, to some extent already knowing. “I know that he’s schizophrenic. Half of the people here are.”

Kasler shook her head.

“There’s more to it.”

“I know that he’s, ya know, homicidal.”

“He told you?”

“We’ve talked about a lot of things.”

“I would just take caution, if I were you,” she reworded her warning slightly. “He might be here to recover, but that doesn’t mean he won’t suddenly break. Who knows what he could do. Please, Tyler,” – her tone was now foreboding – “Be careful with who you interact with here. Not everyone is as sweet and innocent as they seem.”

Oh, you are foreshadowing so hard.

“Is there not a mental disorder floor?” I asked, thinking back to the plaque pasted outside the elevators. “I don’t remember seeing anything about them on the directories.”

“Sixth floor,” she said, pointing her index finger towards the ceiling. “It’s a relatively new addition to the building. It was paired together with self-harm, but they decided to just give it its own floor. Carter stayed on this floor because...”

She didn't add on, but I already knew. The bruises.

I just nodded. "Got it."

I wondered what conversation we’d switch to from this – and braced myself for a ‘sex’ talk – when Kasler suddenly craned a look at the digital clock hanging by the door and sat up straight, flipping her notebook shut. A forced smile shined at me.

“I’m afraid I’m gonna have to cut our session a little short today. Family issues still.” She went to the door and propped it open with her hip. She gave me a parting smile that still looked forced before sending me on my way.

But I stood in the doorway and swallowed my pride.

I looked back at Kas before she shut the door in my face. “Do you…You wouldn’t happen to have Ally’s number, uh, anywhere, would you?”

Kasler found nothing wrong with my question. If anything, she looked joyous. “Oh. You don’t have it? Memorised, I mean.” When I sheepishly shook my head at her, Kasler smiled and strode (heh) over to her desk. She informed me, “I’ve talked to her a few times since you’ve…” She trailed off sharply, withdrawing her phone from her purse. She ripped a corner from a piece of notebook paper and grabbed a pen, jotting down Al’s digits.

Kas came back over to me, shoving her mobile into her suit’s jacket pocket.

“Call her,” she said firmly, giving me the paper. I peered from it to her eyes and saw that they were somber. “Soon. She really needs it.”

I didn’t get time to reply before she ushered me out of her room.

Seconds before closing her door, she sniped to me, “Avoid Carter, alright?”

I creased my brows at the closed door, saying, “Uh, got it.” I ‘hmphf’d to myself, looking down at Kasler’s chicken scratched version of Ally’s number. That was when it occurred to me that she didn’t call for Joy to come up and get me.

I angled a look down the long stretch of hall, noted the buzzing of the telly coming from the lounge, the magazine-reading nurse sitting behind the counter at the station...and walked myself back upstairs.

I wish I could say something interesting or plot-related happened on my way up the elevator but nothing did and I walked out into the hall of the fourth floor with no life-altering stories to tell.

Slanting a look into the lounge, I saw the hordes of patients lounging around the TV as it played Pretty In Pink for them. Jon Cryer trailed behind Molly Ringwald, tailgating her down the hallways of their high school building.

What luck – the movie just started. I didn’t miss much.

I made eye-contact with a ‘fro of hair and started a walk to join Hunter on the couch.

I got my foot up to move and was startled by a door at the far end of the hall being yanked open. Out marched the guy I saw on my first day out into the real world – a pair of mittens still resided on each of his balled-up fists and a shade of red coated his grimaced mug.

Trailing behind him was Carter.

I raised a brow at both of them and that’s when the guy decided to speak.

He got three stomps away from Carter’s room and stopped to point a finger back at Carter. He seethed in a heavy hick drawl to the nurse perched at the edge of her seat, “I’m done with this fucking fag.” My shock showed on my face and my jaw dropped as I looked back at the nurse’s stunned expression.

“E-excuse me?” was all she got out. The people sitting in the lounge were starting to filter out into the hall.

“This fag,” he snapped again, Carter still on the other side of his finger. “I’m not sharin’ a room with him anymore.” The nurse slowly rose up to come over to him. He continued. “He’s impossible to live with – he – he keeps me up at night, he puts my pillows in the shower, he puts bugs in my bed, he - I want him out of my room – I’ll be moved to another room. Whatever. I tried to tolerate him, but he’s impossible.”

The nurse slowly put her hand on the guy’s shoulder but he smacked it off. Regaining herself, she looked to Carter who stood with his arms crossed casually and a barely detectable smirk curling the corners of his lips. It widened when his eyes lurched up and caught my amused ones, then faltered at the nurse’s voice.

“Carter,” she warned. “Why can’t you leave Alex alone? Why can’t you just behave?”

Any trace of humour left Carter’s face and he now looked at her incredulously. “He’s a dick,” he said blatantly. “He’s a homophobe. I don’t want to share a room with him.”

“I ain’t done nothin’ to you,” Alex shot back, seeming to be sincere. “I ain’t done nothin’ to him. He’s psychotic.”

The nurse waved her arms in between them. “Alright, alright. Both of you – shush. Everyone,” She turned to face the large crowd that had filled the hallway. “Back to the lounge, back to your rooms. None of this concerns you. Go.”

A few mumbled back, however complying, but most stayed where they were until she snapped a goodbye.

Loud conversations droned in my ears when the crowd dispersed and the hall began to empty. I gave a look to the disgruntled Carter – fought the sudden strong attraction to him – and walked to find Hunter in the packed lounge. Carter and Alex were escorted back into their room by the nurse and the addition of two more.

No one paid any more attention to the movie, drowning out the actors with their chats of that whole sitch’.

One of my favourites started with: “Dude…he’s gay? Whatta waste.”

I tried to focus on the movie and managed to get through about ten more minutes with the help of subtitles. All sound returned when the volume of the room blotted down in an instant and the couch shifted as Carter plopped down beside me.

I looked to see his eyes were stuck on the screen.

“Pretty in Pink?” he guessed, smirking slightly. “Good movie. I used to watch it all the time when I was younger. I was in love with Molly Ringwald.”

I dragged, “Yeaaaahhh,” as everyone slowly went back to their conversations. “What was that all about?” I asked, doing a double-take towards the hallway.

Carter moved his glance to me and shrugged, slouching back into the sofa.

“He’s a dick.”

“Yeah, you said that.”

“I can’t believe he tried to play the ‘innocent’ card. ‘I ain’t done nothin’ to him’ – what-the-fucking-fuck-ever. The first week I was his roommate, he did nothing but ridicule me and when it came up that I was gay, it got worse. The names: ‘fag,’ ‘queer’…he wouldn’t quit, so I tried everything I could to get him out of there. Now he has the nerve to stand there and say he never did anything to me? Fucking bullshit.”

“I say,” Hunter spoke up, tilting forward - oops. forgot you were there - “you kill him.”

The words initiated a thoughtful brow raise from Carter and he chuckled.

“Oh, I would love to. Give me one more second alone with him and he’s done-for.”

Mmm. Don’t doubt that.

Hunter laughed out an agreement and I stayed quiet, giving my attention back to the movie on the TV. Only about a second was wasted before I tensed. Carter had lounged even further into the sofa, casually plunking his hand around my knee. My skin tingled under his fingertips as they began to trace circles through my jeans.

My breath stuck in my throat when his touch edged higher up my leg. I slanted a look through my lashes to see he already had his eyes on me, that knowing smirk on his face.

“I’ve got an empty room,” he told me in undertone.

I took back my poise and hiked my knee up, knocking his hand off.

“With a bed full of bugs, from what I hear,” I teased back. His smile grew and he gave me a quick glimpse up-and-down before locking his eyes on mine.

“Not my bed.”

The thought of an empty room and his bed made my skin feel hot and my mind wandered. There was suddenly that ache in my bones again and that need to be touched. It feels like it’s been forever.

I was once with a girl who would always be in the mood for angry sex and that was some of the best sex.

I wondered if Carter was like that. He must not be in the happiest mood right now.

But the question of ‘top or bottom?’ popped into my head and I decided now wasn’t the time or place to try and find the answer.

I responded to Carter’s proposition with an eye roll and a scoff. He accepted my answer by chuckling and continued to fuel my boner by tipping his chin onto my shoulder, continuing to drag his thumb along the inner seam of my jeans.

I let my eyes glide shut in ecstasy but at the same time, tried to think to block out the intense feeling and keep it from showing on my face.

Nothing seemed to work until I remembered the scrap of paper that stuck in my pocket and the seven digits scrawled across it.

My eyes opened and I stared out the window. I’m going to call her today. Apparently, she ‘needs this.’

I spent the rest of the movie trying to plan what I was going to say.

I don't know sometime later, the credits rolled to the background music. Carter had nodded off on my shoulder about fifteen minutes into the film, which meant his inappro-pro touching finally stopped and I was able to focus on the film and my thoughts.

Hunter stood and stretched, laughing at Carter as he napped.

I matched her smile, gently poking Carter on the nose until his eyes popped open and he yawned right in my face.

I let out a bewildered, “EW!” shoving him up and off of me. “Don’t yawn in my face! Geez.” He cupped his hand over the front of his mouth and shrugged at me, joining Hunter and I as we stood in front of the couch.

While he dropped his head down onto my shoulder once more, I turned slightly to Hunter, asking, “What are we going to do now? You know, since the movie’s over.” Typically, we go over to a table and comment on the selection of books.

“I don’t know about you guys,” she said, stretching yet again, “but I gotta go take a shower. My mom’s coming to visit me today. Gotta be lookin’ fresh.”

I pouted at her, glancing at Carter’s sleeping face. I wish I could see my mum.

:(

“You mean I have to be alone with this?”

Carter let out a loud sarcastic laugh and Hunter smiled at us.

“Suppose so. You two lovebirds be considerate. You’re not the only ones in the room,” she said teasingly, starting towards the hall. “I don’t want no babies running around this place any time soon.”

Carter yawned out, “No promises,” making Hunter laugh. She rounded the corner leaving Carter and I standing in the centre of the room.

I attempted to watch one of the patients scampered up from the floor and over to the telly where she picked out another film. Carter managed to keep me in place, meaning it was hard to get a good look at what the girl had picked and it also was difficult for me to angle another look down at him.

“What do you want to do?” I asked, wiggling my shoulder, resulting in him lifting his head momentarily to open his eyes.

“Take me to my room,” he slurred slightly, holding his arms out for me to take and lead him out.

Putting that on hold, I said, “And…?”

“Let me sleep.”

I relaxed and hooked my hand around his forearm, pulling him to his room. The door was closed, so I knocked just in case someone was in there. Getting no response other than an entertained laugh from Carter, I pushed open the door and went in.

I stopped walking once we were entirely in the room and took in the surroundings.

“Geez,” I mumbled at the sight of the bed I assumed to be Alex’s. “He wasn’t joking, huh?” The bed was now just a sheet on a mattress with wet spots that I could guess were from soaked pillows and blankets.

Carter stood at my side, smirking at his work.

“I really don’t like him.”

“No kidding.” I waited for him to slouch on over to his bed, and after closing his door, he did. Again, my brow was raised. I said, “Uhm?” looking from it to him. “Any particular reason you did that, Carter?”

He dropped down on his bed with a big shrug and scooted back to lean against the pillows.

“I can’t sleep in an empty room,” he said.

“And what do you expect me to do about that?”

“Sit with me.”

I looked at the foot of his bed and mumbled an, “Alright.” I slumped over to take a seat. Once I sat, Carter blinked at me and laughed.

“Not there. Here.”

He patted the space directly next to him, pulling the pale blue blanket over his legs. He expected me to…what…snuggle?

“What do you want me to do?” I laughed. “Spoon you?”

“If it helps me sleep.”

I considered the gesture, struggling to keep my hormones at bay, and sighed, moving myself to plop down beside him. Carter smiled and tipped his head back, closing his eyes.

I averted my attention to looking out the barred up window. The sky was overcasted with clouds, bright white clouds that blocked out the sun. The bits that were starting to roll in over them were looking a menacing grey.

I hoped it was going to rain. Rain is, like, the best. (It doesn't, by the way. so lame.)

I turned my head the other way when the light reflecting off the clouds surface began to burn my retinas. I focused on the digital clock that seems to be present in everyone’s rooms.

It blinked the time at me.

3:43 .p.m.

Seventeen more minutes and then…

Should I even bother? I can’t get hung up over her. If I call…it’ll all come rushing back. I shouldn’t wonder what she’s doing right now. It’s not my place anymore.

I needed to just let her go. She’s so much better off without me. I can’t bring her down anymore. I can’t make her go through that again.

There’s nothing beautiful or tragically romantic about what happened with us.

I shattered her fucking heart. That’s not okay.

I was getting antsy again with guilt. It started to weigh my mind down.

I looked to Carter’s face. My eyes outlined his jaw and his pink lips. They lingered there and went up to his nose and then his closed eyes. His blond fringes hid his forehead from view and that scar…

My eyes zipped down to his lips again. I wanted to feel them and see if they could make me forget. About everything.

I needed to be loved again.

I was suddenly out of control. All I knew was I was getting closer to him. My eyes drifted shut and I pressed a kiss single onto his jawline, causing his eyes to flutter open instantly. His eyes were unfocused and half-shut as he stared up at the ceiling, then they shifted to the right.

He mumbled out a, “Tyler?”

I didn’t answer.

I leaned back in and put two more soft kisses onto his jaw, realised that wasn’t enough; I was still thinking coherently, and slipped my hand onto his shoulder and then up to cup the side of his neck. I kissed his skin roughly and felt his throat vibrate when he spoke with a low chuckle.

“Oh,” he said huskily, his right hand boldly sliding under me to come around and grip onto my hip. His left locked his hands together and held onto me tightly. “I see.” He pulled back from my kiss. I stopped long enough for him to meet my eyes.

He asked haughtily, “So you want me all of a sudden?”

I broke his gaze and looked to my hand that cupped his neck. I ran my thumb over his skin, sliding my hand up to his jaw, my thumb etching over his lips. They were rough. I needed to feel them so badly.

I met his gaze shortly, leaning in closer, hovering my mouth over his. I said lowly, “I want you to kiss me.” His chuckle was amused and I saw his mouth form a smile, but he made no effort to stop me and instead moved one of his hands up to place it on my back.

It took up most of the surface.

I thought about skipping the foreplay and sticking his hands down the front of my boxers.

But foreplay was the best part.

Carter parted his lips and pushed them against mine. He kissed me slowly. I felt my mind get hazy and my body relaxed even more. I felt like I should've been lifted angelically up to Heaven - or dragged screaming into the bottomless pits of a burning Hell because i was kissing a boy.

Eh. I kissed back rougher, feeling more serene the rougher it got.

He pulled me on top of him, spreading his legs so I could fall flush against him. Almost instantly, he grinded against me. I became stiff and copied his movements. He was chuckling into the kiss again, but now his voice was even huskier.

There was a small moan that chuckle was trying to hide.

He inched his lips from mine and took a deep breath, chuckling again.

“Oh – shit.”

Letting the intense pressure that built in my stomach fuel me, I took my lips from his mouth and down to his ear.

“Is that good?”

“Mmm, f – yeah.” He nodded quickly. I brought the kiss back to his mouth and took my hand that had been stationary at his jaw and felt all the down his chest to the waistband of his jeans.

I had to let him know what I wanted. I had to let him know what would make me feel better - what would fix this.

I broke the kiss fleetingly to look down at his chest when I pushed his shirt up slightly. His hands were both at the small of my back, clutching onto my shirt and rubbing circles over the exposed skin.

I pulled away from his lips and smirked at the groan he grunted at me. That groan turned into a shocked laugh when I unbuttoned his jeans and stuck my hand down the front of his boxers. His laugh quickly ebbed into a throaty moan which went into sharp intakes of breath. I pulled away and undid the button of my jeans, edging them down until mah d pushed out and I moved my hips to grind myself against him, moving his jeans down until he was doing just the same.

The moans built in my throat but I didn’t let them out. I watched him moan underneath me and let him fill my thoughts.

Suddenly, one of his moans grew louder than the rest and I kissed him quickly to quiet him.

I was filled with the needed adrenaline. The adrenaline of doing something I know I shouldn’t be. It eased me even more and I was feeling at peace.

I didn’t feel like this at all with Rebeca - not nearly as much. I didn’t feel this much serenity with any of the girls I’ve ever had sex with this.

This…this was good. Different. It was like I was high off heroin and weed.

I wanted to see how good it could make me feel. I wanted more.

I gripped onto Carter’s hips and began to pull his pants off when a loud noise stopped me. We broke away from each other at the sound of a doorhandle trying to be forced open. The series of knocks that followed suit us made us both sit up quickly.

The words, “Carter – you’re not supposed to lock your doors!” was what it took for our eyes to widen and our jeans to be yanked up and zipped.

He locked his door? When?

I sat back, buttoning my jeans, watching Carter hop up from the bed, yanking his up.

“It’s open!” he shouted to her, sitting back down. “Sometimes it sticks.”

The nurse's insistent knocks and rattling of the doorhandle stopped. Sure enough, she had to shove her body against the door for it spring open.

Nurse Joy muttered an, “Oh,” and looked between us. Her gaze settled on me. “There you are. I’ve been looking for you. You have a call.”

“I do?” I said perplexed and quickly giving a look at the clock. 4:06. Ally?

Joy nodded at my spoken question and backed out of the room. “I’ll connect it to Carter’s phone.” She scurried away. I glimpsed at Carter. He ran his fingers through his hair then pushed his nails against his legs.

The phone rang suddenly and I hesitated before grabbing it.

I put the receiver to my ear, loud static buzzing back at me.

I swallowed and said, “Hello?”

There was a pause and then – “Tyler?”

Her voice…it felt so nice to hear her again.

“Yeah. It’s me.”

“Oh.” She sounded like she was getting choked up. “I’m so sorry for not calling you or visiting. So much has been going on.”

“No, no,” I assured her. “It’s fine, really.” Not. Ahh, snap, that was salty. Ally laughed anxiously.

“It’s really not. I should’ve at least told you what was going on – I hate that you probably thought I stopped caring, but I swear I didn’t.” She left me no time to reply. Her tone dropped. “Like, I said, things are…bad.”

“Bad?”

“Well, so you know how you’ve got…court, right?”

The reminder hit me like a train.

“Oh…damn.”

“I know,” she said. “Anyway, your, uh, what, lawyer or whoever told me that I should give you a week to settle in before I try to come see you – and before we start any of this law stuff. Ya know, don’t want to hinder your progress – or something. Anyway,” She paused to clear her throat and spoke with such sadness. “Baby, she’s not okay.”

“Baby?” I said. Was she calling me baby? Who’s ‘she’? Oh, wait - “My dog?” Oh, nooooes. :(

Again, Ally said, “Yeah, I know. It hurts – she’s…I took her to the vet and, apparently, she’s going through this, like, depression. I think she really misses you. All she does is lay around and whine. She looks so dead and tired.”

I let my, “Oh, noooo,” come out, feeling my heart sink. My Baby misses me.

“I’m not feeling too hot, either,” Ally mumbled before she sighed. “You know…this whole thing just sucks. I miss you so much. You wouldn’t believe it.”

I kept quiet, for some reason having the most difficult time keeping this conversation going. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her. I wanted to fill her in to what it was like here and the people I’ve met.

Carter stirred beside me and I looked to see him picking at his lips as he stared out the open door.

I almost…slept with him.

And here comes the guilt.

I exhaled loudly, letting Ally know, “I-I miss you too.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Carter’s head turn to me briefly, but he didn’t say anything or mouth me any questions. Ally began to realise that something wasn’t right with me.

She asked slowly, “Are you…okay? I mean, obviously you’re not ‘okay,’ but…God, this was dumb – are you busy right now? Should I have even called? I’m really am so sorry for not calling sooner. It’s just been…like this battle. It…”

“I’m glad you called,” I told her, having to stop myself from adding the ‘finally’ into the sentence. “I’m…ecstatic. Really. It’s just – I’m so tired.”

“Me too – listen,” she said, audibly shifted in her seat. “I’m gonna try and stop by to see you soon, alright? Maybe bring Baby and, I don’t know, some people. In a few days, then you’ll be there for a week and you’ll be allowed visitors…Alright?”

“Yeah. Can’t wait.”

She laughed lightly. “Okay. I love you.” It sounded more like she was questioning if that was something she should still want to say.

And from the pain in my chest, I didn’t know.

“Love you too.”

I couldn’t get myself to say the full three words, though it was what I felt and what I'll continue to feel. I didn’t deserve to love her. I really didn’t.

There was a sigh and then the dial tone. I kept the phone at my ear for a few moments and closed my eyes, sighing. It shouldn’t have been that difficult of a chat, but it felt so forced and awkward. It was like we weren’t the same anymore. Everything was different now.

Why couldn’t I keep it in my pants?

Why is she still wasting her time on me?

The phone clicked when I set it down in its little holder. Carter looked back over to me and he asked, “Who was that?”

“My – friend.”

“Your ‘best’ friend?”

I jokingly ‘rolled’ my eyes but shook my head.

“Yeah, I don’t, I don’t think we’re ‘best’ friends anymore.”

“Because of…all this?”

I confirmed with a slow nod.

“Because of all this.” I stared at the phone and then regarded Carter. I forced a smile at him and stood up from his bed. “I’m gonna go,” I said way too awkwardly. “I need to…” Think. Cry. “Sleep or…I don’t know.”

“It’s fine,” he murmured, rearranging the pillows on the bed. He scooted back and covered his legs with the blanket. “I’m gonna sleep too.”

I still forced a smile and nodded, leaving the room in haste. I pulled open my closed door and hit my back against it when I shut it.

My world felt like it was crumbling. My throat was tensing.

I almost did it to her again. I almost moved on to hit a homerun, eight days after we broke up.

How inconsiderate am I?

I collapsed on my bed and stared up at the ceiling before shoving my face into my hands and snapping my eyes shut. I didn’t fall asleep. I stayed huddled under the covers until Ann came in to tell me it was time for dinner.

I mumbled to her that I wasn’t feeling good and she left after promising she’d bring me a sandwich the minute they were done with dinner. Within thirty minutes, there was another knock at my door and Ann walked in, smiling at me warmly. In her hands was a sandwich enveloped in Saran Wrap and a bottle of O.J.

“Mind if I take a seat?” she asked, pointing to the foot of my bed. I shook my head and drew my feet up to let her sit.

As I sat up, she handed me the food and watched me sluggishly unwrap the sandwich to reveal it was turkey with lettuce and mayo.

Under her watch, I took two bites of it - the turkey was gritty, ugh - and gulped a swig of the juice.

She stayed with me until I finished the meal - which was seriously about thirty minutes.

Right as she stood to leave, she paused to pull something out of her pockets. A circular disk covered with the same pink wrap the sandwich was in.

“Here,” she said, handing it to me. “A cookie. Don’t let anyone find it or I’m out of the job.”

Ann winked at me when I finally smiled. She left the room.

Not in the mood for the biscuit, I pushed it under my pillow and laid myself down. I’m sure you will be surprised to hear that I laid in bed until we were shouted at to come get our night meds and then came back to nap until the lights were declared out.

I snoozed through most of the night, at least a few hours. I was expectantly startled by a door clicking open. Carter. I snapped my eyes shut and waited for him to carry out his usual routine.

But this time, he didn’t instantly go to sit next to me.

I tensed when his hands grabbed loosely onto my shoulders and he shook me gently to wake me up.

“Tyler,” I heard him said softly. “Wake up.”

I blinked to stare at darkness. My vision cleared and picked up the outline I knew was Carter.

“What?” I said feigning sleepiness.

“Get up,” he whispered again. I don’t know what suddenly whizzed through my mind, but those words and his way of waking me up made my stomach cramp. I was reminded of Vanessa.

The sudden thought of her made me sit up straight and I had to suppress the urge to start crying.

I tried to keep my abrupt fear out of my voice.

“Why?”

Carter’s hands moved to mine. He began to pull me up.

“Because. We’re going out.”

I continued on with the questions.

“We are? Where?”

“You’ll see.”

My heart was starting to pound in my chest, but I ignored it and followed him to the door. A beam of dull light shined into the room when he pulled the door open a crack. He stuck his head out into the hall. Assumingly not seeing anyone, he grabbed for my hand again, muttered to me to be quiet and hauled me behind him.

A nurse slept at the station with her feet up on the counter and a mag slowly slipping out of her hands. Carter pulled me over towards the nurse and told me to stay right there while he tip-toed to the other side of the counter.

Crouching, he disappeared from view.

There was a jingling of keys and he stood, hurrying back over to me where he once again took my hand. I was dragged over to the large grey door that had the red words: Emergency Exit on it.

Carter unlocked the door and we scuttled into the stairwell.

I asked him aloud, “What are we doing?”

“I told you,” he said, closing the door. “We’re going out.”

“What do you mean? Can we even do that?”

“I do it all the time,” he shrugged, beckoning me to follow him down the stairs. We shuffled down flights and flights of stairs until we got to the very last one. I was yet again told to keep quiet – “There are guards out here.” – while he slowly opened the door. He checked the coast then turned back to me.

He whispered, “There’s two out by the elevator. You have to be fast and quiet.”

I refrained from making a joke, knowing now was not the time. My heart was up in my ears when Carter peeked out into the hall and held up three fingers, rhythmically dropping them one by one as he mouthed “Three…two…one. Go.” He nudged the door and turned on his side to slip out, taking my hand once we both made it through the doorway.

I spotted the two guards dressed in dark uniforms, chatting incoherently with their backs turned to us. Such luck. Much stealth. I held my hand between the door and its frame to make sure it wasn’t going to slam. It glided shut. Carter and I had to slide down the length of the wall, and sprint around the corner that led to the dining room.

The large room looked looming in the dark – and unsupervised.

Carter led me across the room and into the kitchen.

There was a slow, rhythmic ‘bloop…bloop’ of the tap that dripped into a sink full of water. My eyes stayed on it, waiting for Carter to unlock the back door.

Wait. Were we…running? He says he does this all the time. Does he try to make a run for it each night, but for some reason comes back?

Nah.

That wasn’t the case – at last he got the door open and let me walk out first. He pushed the door stopper between the opening to keep the door slightly ajar and took a seat in one of the wicker chairs around the little white table.

I stared at him and chuckled, feeling a bit confused.

“This…is what we’re doing?”

“What would you rather do?” he asked, pulling a pack of cigarettes from the shirt pocket of his green scrubs. “Smoke?” he offered, holding the pack for me.

I took one and shrugged at him.

“Yeah, this works.”

I sat in the vacant chair, watching him take a cigarette for himself. I was about to ask him if he even had a lighter when he doubled over and slipped his fingers into the inch-wide gap between the wall of the hospital building and the pavement.

He brought up a red lighter, which he held out in my direction and flicked on.

I thanked him, lighting my cig. I took a drag and looked out at the pitch black car park. My eyes were slowly adjusting to the darkness. I saw the shape of the tarp covering the pool and wanted to hop in.

The lighter flickered on to ignite the tip of Carter’s cigarette. He set it down onto the tabletop, taking a drag as well – …too.

Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

“What's all this?” I asked, motioning between us. “You brought me out here to smoke?”

“You need it,” he said simply. “You know, have a good time. I’m trying to make you feel better. I come out here when I feel like, well, dying, look at the stars, have a smoke and everything’s better – for now. Is it helping?”

“For now,” I smiled, breathing in the smoke.

Carter smirked back at me.

“Good.”

I felt a bad cough creep up, but I held it in. I ain't no amateur bitch.

Again, as you can expect, we went silent, enjoying the surprisingly warm night air. It’s in the middle of October.

Ohio seriously had some unpredictable weather. Apparently like the rest of the world.

I let my gaze fall on Carter. I wasn’t surprised to find he already has his gaze on me. I held eye contact shortly, but had to look away, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. I stared off up into the sky, huffing at the end of my cigarette, taking the smoke into my lungs.

I shot it out in a sigh, my throat tensing when I decided to talk.

“I cheated on her.”

It took him a second to figure out who I was talking about. Then it clicked.

“Ah,” he said after a brief pause. “So, more than your ‘best friend?’”

“For a very short amount of time.”

“When did this happen?” he asked. “If you don’t mind me asking. The cheating on her thing?”

Another heavy sigh. “A couple days before I got here. I felt…real, real bad about it.”

“Clearly.”

“I knew it wasn’t going to be a good idea,” I continued quietly. “Dating her, but…I didn’t like being ‘just friends’ with her, ya know? And it backfired. We both knew it wasn’t going to work out, but for some reason, we still tried.” I started to let my thoughts just come out. “I’ve never had anyone who could keep my attention for more than a few weeks, but she did. She was more than just some ‘sex toy.’ She was my friend – my best friend. I was so fucking in love with her. You never realise how much someone means to until you’re no longer with them.”

Carter asked the most painstaking question.

He asked, “Then why’d you cheat on her? If you loved her...why?”

I looked at him – I felt so willing to tell him everything - and shrugged.

“I don’t know. I have no self-control. You know that song?” I asked him, not bothering to change the subject, though it sounded like I was. “By Pink? And it goes like, ‘Teachers dated me, my parents hated me’?”

“I think I’ve heard it.”

“That’s who she was. She was my teacher, my French teacher." I shouldn't be telling him this. That confidentiality was being broken.

But I wanted to explain myself.

I said, "I’m really attracted to intelligence. Just knowing how much knowledge a person can contain is fascinating. I like intellectuals, which is probably why I was so attracted to my teachers. Plus, ugh. It was ‘wrong.’ There was something addicting about knowing what I was doing was taboo. The more illegal something is the more likely I am to partake in that activity. Which explains...why I…”

Rebeca. That’s why she happened.

I haven’t thought about her at all yet, have I? Well, except earlier when I was trying to get it with Carter.

He waited for me to continue.

“Which is why…? You what?” A light bulb blinked on over his head. “Cheated on her? What, it wasn’t with one of your own students, was it?”

Uh, how did he piece it all together that fast????

“It’s stupid,” I said. “She got away with it. She did the same thing with me and never got caught. It’s stupid.”

“Your ex?”

“Isn’t that just so stupid?”

“It kind of is.”

“It really is,” I corrected, smoking the cigarette again. “Dumbest shit ever. Look, I know, overall, what I did was pretty shitty, don’t get me wrong, but I told her from the very beginning that I was no good. She knew every possible consequence that could happen most likely was going to happen. She knew.” My tone changed again. Realisation. “But, for some dumbass reason, she stayed.” My sentences trailed off for like half a second, then I gave a bit more insight into Ally and I’s situation.

I repeated the words Ally said to me so many times.

“‘I’ll never give up on you.’ Well, look what’s happening now. She gave up. She promised she would come see me. She promised.”

“Maybe she just needs time.”

“Maybe – but she couldn’t even call?”

Carter didn’t have anything to say back.

I wanted to tell him about what Ally had said to me on the phone. She was going to try to come see me. One of the reasons she couldn’t was because she had to wait a week. But I didn’t speak up and we went silent again.

I finished my cigarette and dropped it in the ashtray, picking the conversation back up after I shook another cig from the pack.

I’ve told him…haven’t I? I think so.

Getting a flame from the lighter, I let out a low chuckle.

“People are always like, ‘Why do you like sex so much?’ How couldn’t you? It’s amazing. There’s a reason people do it other than to make a screaming, pooping baby.”

“I think sex with the right person can be addictive as fuck.” There was another brief pause before Carter’s eyes flicked up and he smirked. “Wanna go test to see if I’m the right person or not?” To my unfortunate snort, Carter sat up in his chair and leaned forward to swat at my leg.

“Come on,” he urged. “Rebound. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”

“Getting under someone else is the reason I have to get over someone, in the first place.”

“Touché.”

“I think I’m gonna go celibate.”

He chuckled. “Good luck with that.”

“Thanks. I’ll probably need it.”

He sat back up in his seat, keeping his gaze on me, and finished off his cigarette.

The way he looks at me…I ached to kiss him again. I was ready to take him on his offer.

His empty room…

No. I didn’t need this. If I give in to sex with anyone any time soon, I’m never going to get better. I don't need any form of love to fix me, because it wasn't ever going to. Just because I get myself into a relationship of whatever kind, that won't fix me.

I'll just be a manipulative mentally unstable prick in a relationship - and I'll continue to hurt whoever is dumb enough to let me in.

But I was just feeling so…vulnerable. I hated it. I wanted that feeling to go away and never come back. I needed something to take it off my mind.

Unfortunately, what Carter said next got me all hot and bothered.

Dropping his cigarette to the ground, he said huskily, “You should come back to my room with me.” I slanted my eyes at him and saw he had those ‘honeymoon eyes’ goin’. Intimidating and ardent.

It was so, so tempting. But so wrong.

Very tempting.

You wouldn’t believe the willpower it took to push out an unfazed scoff and deny him.

“Did you not hear?” I said mockingly. “I’m going celibate.”

“You can start tomorrow,” he smirked.

“It’ll be tomorrow in just a few hours.”

“Then we better hurry.”

“I don’t know…” I said, my uncertainty and hesitation sounding playful. “I like foreplay. Long and tedious foreplay.”

“It doesn’t have to be sex,” he reasoned. “I just want to kiss you again.”

It dawned on me that there was a possibility that he was taking advantage of me. I told him that I had a very feeble weak spot for sex, didn’t I?

I wanted to smack him for being so cruel.

I didn’t let that compulsion show, but I wasn’t going to sit there and allow him to be like all the others and use me for sex. (That’s my job…joookkiinnngggg…) I really hoped he wasn’t going to turn out to be an asshole, because, get a load of this, I at some point seemed to start liking him as more than a friend. Does it show?

Plus, I'm not so into being used like that.

I’m a hypocrite, I know.

I thought about what he said. ‘I just want to kiss you again.’

I shook my head at him, mustering up another smile. "That's such a bullshit answer."

Now his mouth curved a smile back at me, but all he did next was shrug his shoulders. The corner of my mouth rose into a smirk and I rolled my eyes.

“I can’t ‘just kiss,’" I added on. "It’s a proven fact.”

“Bummer.” I narrowed my eyes at him and he smiled hugely, but give up. “Alright, alright,” he said. “No sex or kissing -"

"Or third base."

"Fine - no sex, kissing, or trying to go to third base. Will you still come up with me? I can’t sleep in an empty room.”

“Maybe.”

“Please?” He did the puppy dog eyes at me and I laughed. There’s really no way I can share a bed with someone I’m keen on and keep the touching to hugs.

I slowly stopped caring.

Now I caved to his most recent question and sighed in defeat.

“That wouldn’t be too bad, would it?”

“I’d be the happiest boy in the world.”

“Alright,” I said. “I’ll go up with you.” Like it was knee-jerk reaction, Carter stood up from his chair and grabbed the pack of cigs.

“Great. Let’s go.”

“Already?” I laughed. Carter’s dazzling smile was what got me.

“I want to spend as much time with you as I can.”

“Wow,” I snorted. “That was really gay.”

“Thanks. Let’s go.”

And so we had to move like Russian spies back through the dining room, down the hall, up the stairs, and out onto the fourth floor. The nurse continued to sleep on the job and Carter dragged me to his room.

Upon entering, I noticed that he still wasn’t a joker. His room was empty. The bed that would be Alex’s was unoccupied.

Shutting the door behind me, I asked, “Where’s he staying now?”

“Alex?”

“Yeah.”

Carter answered, dropping onto his bed. “They moved him a few rooms down. I don’t know which. Someone didn’t have a roomie and now do.” He switched on the lamp by his bed.

“Ah.” I sluggishly made my way over to stand in between Carter’s bed and Alex’s old bed. “Which do you plan on my sleeping in?”

“Well, mine, of course,” he said, beaming up at me. He sat up and grabbed for my hand, pulling me until I stumbled to stand in between his open legs. “Is that alright?”

“I don’t think you really care.”

“You’re right. I don’t. Just thought I’d ask.” I laughed and waited for him let go of my hand. He scooted himself back and over onto the left side of the bed. He patted the spot next to him.

“Madame,” he said smoothly. “Your seat.”

Again, I laughed but dropped onto the bed and flopped onto my back, sinking my head into the pillow. Carter smiled at me. I raised my brows when he reached over me to flick off the light, never breaking eye contact with me. He moved back and laid under the blankets, bringing them up to cover us both.

To no surprise, I soon felt his arms snake around my midriff and he pulled me snug against his chest. I accepted his hug and nuzzled my face into his shoulder, just enjoying his warmth.

I pressed my ear onto his chest and listened like a creep-o to his heartbeat.

It was irregular.

He wasn’t as confident as he seems. He had an ounce of nervousness in him.

For some reason, I made small talk, thinking about tomorrow morning.

“What are we going to do about the room checks?” I asked quietly, beginning to feel tired.

“I’ll wake you before morning,” he promised, sighing into my hair. “Get you back before they notice.”

Now I sighed.

“Alright.”

Quiet took over, but not for long. I spoke again.

“Joy will flip if I’m not in my room,” I mumbled laughing. Carter’s shoulder shook as he laughed back.

“She’s a skank,” he chuckled.

“Oh, damn,” I said with a loud laugh. “That’s a bit unfair, don’t you think?”

“Pffft. What, she’s not? You haven’t heard about her yet?”

“Guess not.”

“She fucks every male patient that comes through here – tries to.”

“Really?” I said in denial. "I didn’t really get that vibe from her.”

“Swear. She tried to sleep with me when I got here, too. I told her I was gay – seriously had to say it over and over before she finally backed off. I shouldn’t have had to even say it once. She should’ve stopped after I said no. That’s the issue with these whores. That’s the issue with everyone. They don’t seem to care about anyone else’s feelings.”

“You do have a point,” I admitted, nestling my head against his shoulder some more.

“It’s ridiculous,” he mumbled. His fingers started to lace through my hair. It relaxed him and seconds later, he kissed my forehead gently.

He pulled away and groaned.

“Are you sure you don’t want to make out a little?”

“I can’t. I want to, but I can’t.”

“Why not?”

I couldn’t think of a reason to tell him – that I wanted to tell him. I wound up saying, "You're American," and he laughed out.

"You got me there."

I was thankful that he seemed to take that as my reply. The final reply.

That night, I slept so soundly. It felt so good to be held. It was so comforting.

I wouldn’t mind doing this more often.

Even if he popped a boner once or twice.

I like him now.

A lot.

Oh, god.

Kas will jump at the offer of planning our wedding. *sarcasm*