Healing Is Never Easy

Oli

I felt cheated. That was the only way to describe it, really. He'd gotten over it, moved on and been happy. And I'd been left stranded, empty, the entire time. I didn't even a shadow of it on his face. Not that I wished any kind of pain or sadness on him, but I felt a deep-driven jealously of him for not feeling it the way I did. And foolish, bitterly foolish.

It had been the second day of Warped Tour, and I was disappointed. I'd thought that being surrounded by old friends and new would distract me and fill the void that had been inside me for the past three years. I was wrong, it was still there, like the cold, aching chasm it had been since that fateful day.

I'd drunk too many beers, and was on my way to the men's room when it happened. I heard it then, a laugh. A noise that broke through the alcohol-induced fog in my mind. I spun round, scanning the sea of faces for any sign of its owner. After five minutes, I realised it couldn't have been - that disappointment which had been my near constant companion over the past three years was still as sharp as ever. Hearing his laugh, voice, seeing people who looked like him. It made my heart soar each time, and smashed it to smithereens each time. Then I heard it again, and I shut my eyes against it. It was in my head. I was really, really beginning to lose my mind. Then again, I was afraid of trying to follow the musical sound for fear of losing it.

Suddenly, a thin, Mexican man who I vaguely recognised was pushed from the toilets and sprawled on the floor, laughing uncontrollably. I simply stared as a shock of pale skin and almost black hair came barreling out and landed on top of the other man, wrestling with him until he surrendered the item in his hand which Oli had no interest in. He cheered and clambered to his feet, checking the item and his belt before turning round. I couldn't beckon a single word to my lips, as a result he bumped into me, jumping backwards in surprise.
"Oh sorr-" He too, stared up at me, motionless. I was terrified of saying anything - not that I would have been able to summon a sentence, even if I had not been - for fear of shattering the illusion, waking up from the dream.

"O-Oli?" I blinked and he attempted a shocked smile.

"I...it's been ages! How- how are you?" I cleared my throat, speaking hoarsely.

"It's...it's been three years." Emotion boiled away at the surface, threatening to ruin my shaky composure.

".....I'm sorry." He looked away before turning back to me.

"I...didn't know what to say. I guess after a while it got harder to pick up the phone. Anyway, I've heard the new record - it's awesome! Congratulations."

It was then - when he sheepishly dismissed the length of time we hadn't spoken, and began casual conversation with a smile on his face - that I realised he wasn't hurting. And I felt cheated.

"Thank you. Likewise." He grinned and it hurt.

"Thank you! It's huge, I'm so excited it's ridiculous - warped tour!!! Can't believe it. Anyways, how're the guys?"

"They're fine."

"Anyway- ive gotta go, I promised Vic that I'd kick his ass if he stole my phone again, and I noticed he's snuck away - so I'd better go. We'll catch up later?"

"Mm." I nodded and he left with another bright smile.

"Oli.." Nicholl's voice came into my ear from behind me and I snapped at him angrily,

"Don't." Before storming off.

Kellin

I couldn't believe I'd seen him. I ran off with a smile and hid between two buses, trying to calm the incoming anxiety attack before it happened. He looked terrible. He was obviously drunk, but his eyes were blank. I hated it. I wanted to ask so much, but it was too much, too much to handle, too sad to deal with, and too distracting at such a huge time where I needed my focus. But now I'd seen him - that was it. Everything had come back, and it was more painful than I'd expected. But not as painful as seeing the look on his face or the condition of his body.

Oli

I tried to get as far away from everyone as possible, but it wasn't far enough. The panic and the pain was too much. The I couldn't run from. Nicholls followed me the whole way.
"For god's sake, stop!!!!"

"Fuck off!! I don't need you babysitting me!" I pushed him away and he shoved me up against the side of a stage.

"Listen to me! You cannot do everything by yourself. If you don't talk now, you're never going to - and I won't lose you because you're a stubborn asshole, you hear me?!" Usually such a peaceful man, his aggressive outburst shocked me into submission and I nodded.

"Good. Now, you've seen Kellin. It didn't look like it went badly?!"

"No it was fine."

"And that's what's upset you?"

"No...yeah...I don't...he's fine. He's not...hurting like I am. I guess that just...just sucks." Matt nodded sadly.

"I'm sorry, Oli. But..maybe it's a good thing. You might actually be able to start moving on now. You've been practically unreachable for the past...what, two, three years? I don't want you to go back to that." I nodded.

"Anyway - no more beer for you. Why don't you come hang out with us for the rest of the afternoon?"

"Thanks, but I think I'm gonna go back to the bus for now. See you later."

I sat in the bus by myself in silence, trying to dissect the mess in my head. I don't know how long I'd been there for when Kellin knocked on the door and tentatively walked in.
"Hi."

"Hey."

"Wanna talk?" I nodded and he sat down opposite me.

"You got new tattoos." He remarked quietly.

"Yeah. For the new album and that." He nodded.

"Have you been with anyone?" His question reverberated in my mind shamefully, and I couldn't tell him the whole truth.

"One nighters. Nothing special. You?"

"Yeah..actually. One."

"Still together?"

"No. We broke up a while back." I simply nodded again, having so many questions I didn't know which to ask.

"Still in touch with Matthew?"

"Yeah." I nodded again, even more bitterly than last time. He could keep in contact with a cruel, drug addicted slave owner, but not me.

"I'm sorry." He looked at the table shamefully.

"I know you are." The unspoken 'but I haven't forgiven you yet' was obvious, and I felt ashamed of the guilty gratification I obtained from the pain in his eyes when I said it.

"Have you been...ok?"

"How could I be ok? I loved you more than anything I ever had, I helped you and hurt you, then that was it. You left. I've felt guilt and grief for the past three years, Kellin." Finally saying it began to ease the nastiness that had built up from my pain, and I sighed.

"I'm not angry with you." He looked relieved and hopeful at that.

"Can we stay friends then?"

"We can start to get back to being friends, I think, after three years." Kellin smiled and walked around the table to hug me tentatively. It wasn't an easy thing to do, and the small, familiar body I had once been so accustomed to touching seemed stronger than last time, his skin even softer than before, and his scent even sweeter. I was reluctant to let him go, and refused to let my hands linger on his like they so desperately wanted to when he pulled away slowly.

"Thank you. I'll see you soon, Oli."