Healing Is Never Easy

Oli

I chose to not seek Kellin out. I was torn, I'd been so desperate for his presence in my life for years, but now he was here, I realised how different it would all be, and I wasn't sure I could deal with that kind of change.

I didn't want to see him again, not for a while at least.

Our second show of the tour, I felt unusually apprehensive about going onstage. Lee looked at me nervously, and I could tell Nicholls' whispers to Jordan concerned me too. Matt. K was the only one who was oblivious to anything about me.
"Oli - you alright mate?"

"Yes, I will be, if all of you stop babying me." Lee sighed.

"Sorry, we're just worried."

"HELLO FLORIDA!!!!" They all followed as I ran out to the eagerly waiting crowd, my eager want to escape the conversation overriding my fear.

I felt disconnected from myself onstage, my mind was too crowded and I began to panic, I made it through the first five songs with my usual energy and hype, the crowd were amazing. But when it came to the sixth, I froze. I held out the microphone to the crowd who screamed it for me, and turned, staring at Jordan in panic who caught onto my problem and began singing for me. When I finally caught back on, I joined in and took over. But it shook me up, and I screwed up the next song, and the next, and the audience began to notice that it wasn't just a stunt to get them more hyped up.

Three songs more went wrong. When we finally got off the stage, I could feel the anger pointed in my direction. I slid down the wall backstage and they all crowded round me.
"What the fuck happened?!" Matt. K snapped angrily.

"Calm down Matt-"

"Don't tell me to calm down! We're always pandering to him! He's been miserable for the past three years, and had problems before that, we're always at his beck and call when we have our own probl-"

"SHUT UP!!" Jordan yelled, shocking all of us.

"Who almost single-handedly wrote this record?! Who has had a tougher time of everything than anyone?! Who here would do or give absolutely anything for all of us?! I know you're angry, Matt, but you don't have to be such a dick head." Matt stormed off, followed by Lee who ran after him awkwardly, trying to call him back and to calm down.

"Sorry, Jordan. Sorry, Nicholls. I...don't know what happ-" Kellin rushed into the area and stopped when he saw me.

"I'm just sorry-" I rushed out, humiliated, brushing past Kellin who partially blocked the doorway.

"Oli! Hey man wait up!"

"Leave me alone!"

"Oli, cmon-"

"Did it ever occur to you that I don't want to see you?!" Kellin flinched as I turned around and yelled at him.

"It did but I know it's not true."

"Of course, of course because you're so perfect-"

"NO! Because if you didn't want to see me, you wouldn't have been in so much pain for the past three years, you wouldn't be so angry at me now!"

"I...just stay away from me. I can't take it anymore." Utterly defeated, I left, the adrenaline from the argument draining away, allowing the exhaustion to creep in. The thick craving for alcohol burned in the back of my throat and I decided to make the call.

~ ...if you never need my services, Oliver, call from whenever at whatever time...I'm sure we'll figure something out. I'll keep everything in pristine condition for you. ~

"Hello, Oliver? Is that you?"

"Yes, hello Mrs Vadas, how are you?"

"Well as always, thank you. I am to believe that if you are calling - you are seeking...relief?"

"Yes. I'm in Florida. How soon?"

"Florida....I think we can be there in under two hours don't you?"

"Perfect. I'll be staying in the-"

"You know you don't have to tell me that, Oliver. I like to keep tabs, just in case you need my services."

"Thank you. Goodbye."

Kellin

Seeing Oli like that onstage was shocking. I'd see him perform only a handful of times, but each time he was full of energy, he knew the songs as though they were part of him, and he connected with every person in the crowd in one way or another.

To see him forget lyrics, lose the crowd....it was heartbreaking. He was out of it. And when I thought I could go and talk to him, try to help...the reaction I got was frustrating and hurtful. I knew he was lashing out like a frightened animal that was in pain - but it didn't make it hurt any less. Upset, and angry, I decided to confront Oli - provoking a confession out of him was better than continuing like this. However when I reached their bus, the atmosphere was unusually quiet, and Oli was nowhere to be seen.

"If you're looking for Oli, he's not here, Kel." Jordan explained quietly.

"Do you know where he is?"

"Yes.."

"Well? Can you tell me please?"

"I could...but you don't wanna go there, Kel. You don't wanna see what he's doing right now."

"How do you know?"

"When he goes through a bad patch these days, he always does the same thing."

"Which is??"

"None of your business." Nicholls interjected.

"I'm sorry Kellin, I don't wanna be a dick, but Oli would never trust us again if we told you."

"Why are you all protecting him? Kellin needs to know what a freak he is before he gets in deep again. Oli doesn't trust me anyway- I'll tell him!" Lee pulled Matt. K back onto the seat where he was sprawled out drunkenly.

"Mattie, I know you're angry, but you don't wanna ruin your entire friendship with Oli over this, do you?!" Matt ignored the pleading advice of his best friend and began scribbling on a piece of paper.

"Just so you know....I do still love him really...but it's sick....but he has got problems....no one else knows he's an alcoholic....and you drove him to this other thing, that was you." Matt slumped into a heap and I shakily drew the piece of paper from his weak fist. Everyone looked devastated.

"Is he really an alcoholic?" Lee asked quietly, sounding younger than his years. The other two men shrugged sadly.

"At this point, who knows."

"The Washington Hotel? And directions....do you all know what he's doing right now?" Tendrils of irritable wrapped around my mind at their silence. But part of me knew that if it was as terrible as they were making out, and they told me.....I might not be brave enough to go.