Healing Is Never Easy

Kellin

I glanced down at the room key Jordan had passed me at the last second, then up at the door. I didn't want to go inside. I knocked and the noise that had been coming from there stopped.
"Who is it?" I felt sad at the slur that echoed out into the hall.

"Kellin. Matt gave me a key."

"What?! Go away." I sighed and pushed the key into the lock, when I pushed it open, Oli barrelled against it roughly.

"Don't come in!!!" He suddenly sounded more afraid than angry.

"I'm coming in Oli!!"

"You have no right!"

"I did this to you!!!" He fell silent and all I could hear was him breathing.

"No you didn't....I was just too weak...always been too weak." The pressure on the door lifted and I opened it slowly, only to be greeted with a sight that turned my stomach.

"Glad you came now?" He took another sip from the bottle, from where he was sitting on a bed, naked, next to a young naked man, pale, with dark hair.

"This is what I've been reduced to because of how weak I am. Young Nikki over here.." He pulled the boy onto his lap.

"...is my saviour. He makes me feel better when I'm at my lowest...but I also feel disgusting for it.." I wanted to cry, smack Oli, smack the kid that stared at me so innocently it hurt.

"Why?" I croaked.

"Go and show him your mark, love." Kellin was shocked as the boy stood and walked towards him, sitting on a chair and lifting his foot so I could see the scarred, branded skin there.

"Y....you're a slave?" He nodded.

"He's a slave..?" I did start crying then, at the memories of the past that stung like wasps, at how low Oli had sunk and yet I almost didn't believe him, at how I wanted rid of the young man but also wanted him safe. But most of all...

"...H-how could you do this to him...after what I went...through...after what you saw me go through?!?!" Oli stared dully at me, that cloud in his eyes again.

"Because he reminds me of you." His voice, so coarse and broken left a heavy silence behind. Silence that was thick and unbearable and Nikki rejoined Oli on the bed, putting his skinny arms around his neck.

"We're gonna go again...so....if you don't mind." Oli gestured to the door and I couldn't do anything else but rush out in tears.

Oli

I already regretted what I'd done and what I said...and that I hadn't told him that Nikki was looked after well...that I'd drunk so much. But when Nikki kissed my head gently and hugged me, it was an echo of an action that would have made me feel better coming from someone else, with this amount of alcohol, it almost did.

The next morning, Nikki woke me up with aspirin, water and coffee as he usually had to.

"Sorry I breathed my rank beer breath on you all night again, love."

"You know you're my favourite, I don't mind." I waited until after I'd washed my mouth out before I kissed him.

"Mrs Vadas will be back to collect you at ten I think - I'll see you soon."

"Bye Oli." Nikki flopped back onto the bed, content, and I had to leave quickly, but no matter how fast I moved, my pain, guilt and shame wouldn't leave me.

Kellin

"You ok..?" Justin poked his head around the curtain of my bunk slowly.

"Not really." He climbed in with me.

"I wish you hadn't seen him."

"I've never forgotten him, just..seeing him has brought it all back." Justin nodded gently.

"Do you still have feelings for him?" There was silence for a long time as I screwed my eyes shut in vain against the barrage of tears that pushed past them as I nodded slowly and admitted to one of my best friends what I hadn't even been able to say to myself.

"....y-yes."

Oli

I forced myself to be sick on the way back to the tour buses, but it didn't quench the feeling of nausea churning away in my gut. I knew I had to see Kellin and explain, I knew I had to see my band mates and apologise, I knew I had to have some alone time and get my head straight so I wouldn't mess up another show.

I knew I had to have a drink.

Kellin

Justin had spoken to me about everything the night before, I told him because he was the best at keeping secrets. I didn't want anyone else to know. It was sickening. And I'd driven him to it. That was even worse.

I decided to talk to him, it wasn't going to be easy, but he clearly wasn't in a state where he could handle...well, anything. But I had to try, I had the responsibility of getting him out of the hole he'd gotten himself into.

As I walked over to BMTH's tour bus, I realised with a sickening churn of my stomach, that if he hadn't saved me, he'd be happy and successful right now - and I'd be the wreck, dead, or wishing I was. No one else would've been kind or brave enough to save me.

"I need to see-"

"Can't let you do that, Kels. I'm sorry." Nicholls barred the way.

"I need to get him out of this, it's my fault, I have to-"

"Look, I'm sorry Kellin but you're the reason he's like this. If you want to do something to clear your conscience, go do a good deed for someone and quit fucking with his head."

"I know you care about him. But so do I-" Matt.K. snorted from inside the bus.

"I do! I love...loved him once. I need to fix this."

"Honestly mate, I wouldn't bother. I think Oli's past fixing. I reckon it'll be about four months before we get a new frontman, tops." Lee punched Matt hard on the arm and stormed past me off the vehicle.

"You don't wanna see him right now anyway."

"It can't be worse than what I saw earlier."

"I don't know about that."

"What do you m-"

"He's trying to tell you that Oli's drunk again."

"How bad is he-"

"As bad as it gets. Now please, leave." I walked away at that point, frustrated and my eyes threatening to spill over.

The next day was a signing, and several of the bands decided to get together so fans could see multiple bands at a time.

Across the courtyard that had been cleared was Horizon, and I could see Oli sitting with his sunglasses on, head bowed. He still put a effort in with the fans, taking pictures and talking to them, smiling as much as he could. But I knew his fake smile. And it was definitely the only one there.

When we took a break, I followed him past the buses and tents and away from everything.

"Oli! Wait!"

"Oh Christ - look, I just want a break!"

"From what? Yourself?" Oli ripped his glasses of and glared at me.

"Yes. Don't think trying to psycho-analyse me is gonna get me to listen to you."

"Why are you making this so hard for yourself?"

"How was it ever gonna be easy?! I loved you so much. I had no idea you even could love another person that much. I would've given every worldly possession I had for you, every fibre of my being, I would've died for you, Kellin. And then you just left. Just like that - and you didn't even keep in touch, and you're not even in pain!!! You don't even care!! You managed to keep in touch with your fucking rapist but you couldn't keep in touch with me-"

"BECAUSE IT HURT TOO MUCH!!" I screamed at him, unable to take it anymore.

"It hurt too much. I wanted and thought you would forget about me if I just left it. I couldn't keep talking to you, it was too much, Oli!"

"Which is why you're alright now, and I'm a pathetic, miserable, useless sack of shit to everyone."

"Not Nicholls, not Jordan, not Lee, not even Matt. Not me, not your fans."

"They have no idea who I am."

"Well they must have some kind of respect for you to stand there for hours in the rain and the cold just to wait to talk to you! They sat through that ghastly performance the other day because they care so much! And you know that, which is why you've been making an effort today instead of just blowing them off." His face was blank.

"Say something!"

"I just don't know what to say." His eyes were glazed and he walked back to the tables as if he was in a trance.

I had broken him, completely.