Radices

Medieval England was great. Well, not really. Peasants lived in these little homes called “Cruck Houses” which were small buildings that had a wooden frame and a straw roof. Speaking of peasants, it wasn't unheard of for them to have fleas. No one bathed and it was basically an era of stank. However, two gods who bathed regularly happened to come in and out of this era quite often. Totum and Tempus walk along the dirt path of the peasant village. Totum's cape and Tempus's long jacket both rustle as the wind blows on them. The dirty commoners stare at the two handsome figures. It is clear that Totum and Tempus are out of place here. However, people consider that these gentlemen are of noble status. Murmurs can be heard wherever these men go, and they can't help but be stared at by those around them.
“Totum, they look like us!” Tempus whispers excitedly.
“Yes, that's what three chapters worth of evolution will do.” Totum replies.
“Eba-what?” Tempus asks.
“Never mind!” Totum says with a bit of annoyance. Tempus looks at a group of children, or, well, one child in particular.
“I wish my family would take me more seriously!” A little boy complained, “I'm nine years old and practically a man!” With much curiosity, Tempus walks up to the boy and kneels down beside him without Totum noticing.
“What's the matter?” Tempus asks.
“It's my family! My twelve year old sister had just been married off and my parents say that I'm too young for marriage right now!” The little boy huffs.
“Are there any girls you like?” Tempus asks.
“Yeah, there's this one girl, Rosaline, who I think is really beautiful. She's fourteen and her breasts had just started growing!” The boy admits with passion.
“Well, how old did your mom and dad say you had to be before getting married?” Tempus asks.
“Sixteen, but I hear Rosaline is more interested in older men. By the time I'm the right age of seventeen, Rosaline will be twenty-two and already married!” The child whines.
“What's your name?” Tempus asks.
“Romeo.” The sad boy says.
“I'll tell you what, Romeo, I'll help you become seventeen so you can win over Rosaline.” Tempus smirks.
“Oh yeah, how are you going to do that?” Romeo asks.
“Well, I'm the God of Time. With just one poke, I can speed up your growth and turn you seventeen!”
“You can? Prove it!”
“Alright.” Tempus touches Romeo's forehead with his index finger, causing Romeo to rapidly grow into a seventeen year old. Romeo looks at his fully grown body, completely impressed. He can't help but notice new features and longer appendages.
“You weren't lying!” Romeo breathes, his eyes wide with shock, his voice also sounding deeper.
“Hey, you!” A man from across the street yells, “How the hell did you do that?!”
“Oh, uh, I don't know! Magic hands?” Tempus says, wiggling his fingers.
“You must be the devil!” A woman screams.
“He's evil!” A man yells.
“He must be burned!” Another man yells. A crowd of people swarm around Tempus and take hold of him, making sure to avoid touching his skin.
In barely any time, Tempus is tied to a large wooden pole with parchment and sticks piled up around his knees. People all around him are chanting: “Burn him! Burn him!”
“Brother, what in my name are you doing there?!” Totum calls after breaking through the crowd and seeing Tempus.
“I turned Romeo into a seventeen year old so he could marry Rosaline!” Tempus smiles.
“What the hell were you thinking?!” Totum yells.
“That at least we're not in Italy!”
“...Alright, yeah. You have a point.”
The wood below Tempus is burned, and a large fire leaps up towards him. Totum sighs, knowing he must save Tempus, and helps his brother escape the hot flames.
It wasn't until the year 1347 that the two God's had returned to Europe. You see, the week before they returned, the two had a prank war in Caelum. Silly things such as the bucket above the door, the old “hair dye in the shampoo bottle” prank, and even putting plastic wrap over the toilets (both of which shouldn't even be invented yet) so the pee falls onto the floor trick. Well, after the week-long-war ended, Totum and Tempus decided to pull a prank on the human race. Totum had created a sneezing powder which caused Tempus to sneeze for hours on end. The brotherly god's decided to put the sneezing powder into all of the fleas of Europe as a form of revenge for burning Tempus at the stake. The two snickered at the thought of all of Europe having sneezing fits for no apparent reason.
Totum and Tempus walked around, quietly giggling to themselves, when screams of terror begin to be heard all around.
“The plague! We're all doomed!” A man screams.
“You don't think...” Tempus wonders. Sure enough, what is sneezing powder to Gods, is the Bubonic Plague to humans.
When the plague died down in the early 1350's, Totum and Tempus decided to- once again- return to Terra.
“Hey, I wonder how Jesus is. We haven't seen him in...” Tempus counts the numbers on his fingers, “in at least 1350 years!”
“You know I hear he's pretty big now-a-days.” Totum says, “They keep thinking I'm his father.”
“You? A dad?” Tempus laughs, “That'll be the day!” Totum rolls his eyes.
“I am off to go to the loo. Please do not do anything foolish while I am gone.” Totum says, then walks off.
“Pffff. What trouble could I get into in Medieval England?” Tempus huffs. He looks over at a man yelling in the middle of the square. He seems to be spouting nonsense about how people need to be saved and how they can only be redeemed by going to church.
“What are you talking about?” Tempus asks after walking up to the preacher.
“Son, do you not know of God and his wonderful deeds?” The preacher asks “It is God who had created this world, along with man, and it was Jesus who died for our sins!”
“Wow, that's not it at all.” Tempus laughs, “God isn't one person. If anything, you're just worshiping my brother, Totum. I'm the God of Time. As for sins, there's no such thing. You literally die and get reincarnated. You guys have free will, we literally don't give a shit what you guys do. You could create three world wars and we wouldn't care.” The priest takes a step back and grunts in disgust.
“That's blasphemy!” The priest yells, “Do you realize what it is that you are saying?!”
“Yeah, the truth. You guys worship a false god.” Tempus says. The priest's face turns red with anger.
Totum walks out of the bathroom and find an angry mob. He sighs and weaves his way through the people to find exactly what he was expecting.
“Again?” Totum asks in a defeated, monotone voice, seeing Tempus about to burn at the stake.
“Yeah...” Tempus sighs.
“What did you do this time?” Totum asks.
“I talked to Christians...” Tempus says.
“Makes sense.” Totum sighs. He uses his powers to make the rope disappear. The people around gasp and chase after Totum and Tempus.
“Do not worry, brother. We shall have our revenge!” Totum says to Tempus.
After very little thinking, Totum and Tempus have developed their revenge on the christians of medieval England. Totum goes to one church and Tempus goes to another.
“I am satan!!” The boys yelled after entering their church of choice “I can go into your church buildings!! You are no longer safe!!” The Christians poured holy water onto the siblings.
“Okay, if I can walk into your church, what makes you think holy water would work?” Totum snapped, wiping water off of his armor. When the church goers see the holy water has no affect, they run out of the church screaming.
After their victory, Totum and Tempus meet up at the town square. They high five, feeling accomplished.
“That'll teach them!” Totum rejoices.
“There they are!” Says a priest, holding a cross up towards the godly brothers. “Those are the men who claim to be the devil!”
“Oh fuck.” Totum and Tempus say together. A giant mob forms around the brothers and don't allow room for escape. They tie Totum and Tempus to the wooden stake and ready for them to be burned.
“So... this is how it feels to be here, huh?” Totum asks, watching at the fire slowly climbing up the wooden stake.
“...Yep...” Tempus replies.
Many years after the two escape being burned alive, Totum and Tempus return to Terra once more, never being able to learn their lesson.
“So Catherine has yet to produce you a male heir?” Totum says to King Henry VIII. “That's really rough, man.”
“It's a shame too. Who else will run this kingdom once I am gone?” King Henry VIII asks.
“I'm not sure. Honestly, I think it's the woman's fault. She bears the child, therefore the gender of the child is her doing.” Totum says.
“So Catherine is at fault? What am I to do?” King Henry VIII asks.
“Maybe you should get an annulment and find a new wife, one who will produce you with an heir.” Totum offers. Tempus groans, sitting in the corner completely bored.
“If you are so bored,” Totum says clenching his jaw, annoyance clear when he speaks to Tempus, “then go off and find your own entertainment.”
“I might.” Tempus sighs, standing up to leave.
“Be careful, brother.” Totum orders, “you have a record for getting yourself into trouble.”
“I won't do anything bad.” Tempus says.
“Don't do anything stupid.” Totum remarks. Tempus waves his hand as if to say “you know I won't” or “yeah, yeah, yeah” and leaves the castle.
Tempus, being the eternal prankster that he is, decided that it would be a good idea to go to what people would consider the “modern century.” In this “modern century” Tempus obtained a television, and opted to go to the Middle Ages with his Satan-in-A-Box and had as much fun as he could muster. Because nothing scares good ol' Christians more than the Swedish Satan metal act known as Ghost.
“Good people of Terra!” Tempus announces in the town square, “I have brought you an invention from the future! It is called 'Television'!” He turns the TV on and changes the channel to MTV. The peasants throw rocks at the devil-box, breaking the screen and leaving several dents.
“Kill the witch! He has brought this destruction upon us!” A man yelled. Tempus is dragged to the stake once more.
After leaving the home of King Henry VIII, Totum finds Tempus about to be burned at the stake for the fourth time.
“You know.... At this point, I'm just not surprised.” Totum sighs, shaking his head.
“Hehe... Yeah...” Tempus says, laughing nervously. Totum is about to help Tempus, when something catches his eye. He looks over and sees a beautiful woman with brown hair that ends at her breasts and stunning brown eyes. She wore a long dirty dress which was brown and... well... wasn't attractive. Well, for this time it was attractive. For some reason, Totum couldn't keep his eyes off of her. He walks in her direction, being capable of only focusing on her.
“T....Totum?! Totum!!” Tempus yells.