Guilty Pleasures

I woke first, padded to the bathroom, stepped out of my boxers and relieved myself. I stood in the shower, contemplating my relationship with Wil. Had it changed sufficiently to keep it alive? Had we become closer? Yes. I'd felt the stirrings of being in love with him again last night. Our outing was romantic—exactly what we needed. But then, something happened.

Kit happened.

I took a stiff breath and shook my head. I couldn't think about him now. I'd reconnected with Wil on a level that would make our relationship salvageable. I couldn't throw away eight years with him after seeing a glimpse of our future. I owed it to both of us to give it a go.

I closed my eyes to rinse the shampoo out of my hair. The darkness behind my lids brought the image of me of kissing Kit in his room last night. His face had been burned into my mind and wouldn't leave. I could almost feel his soft lips touching mine, the scent of lust in the air, and the way his hips ground against mine.

I became aroused and my immediate reaction was disappointment. I vowed he'd never enter my mind again and to prove I could control my urges to get off to a fantasy including him, I dried off, walked to the bed and woke Wil. I didn't have to beg him to make love to me. He was already hard when I woke him.

However, I did have to beg him to go fast and as hard as he could, thinking he could fuck Kit's face from my mind, and it worked. He passionately made love to me, kissed me and took care of me afterward.

Wil spoke to me after a long, satisfied sigh, a red glow about his face and neck, "This trip was a wonderful idea. It's helped put things in perspective for me." He caressed my cheek and smiled. "Hanging around those boys made me appreciate our life together. I wouldn't want to be that young again. The first time around was enough. I'm comfortable where we're headed."

I agreed with him and fixed my lips to his. I didn't even mind the stale taste of morning breath. When I left his lips, I added my own thoughts. "Time is our enemy. If you want something, you shouldn't be afraid to go out and get it because it could be gone like that." I snapped my fingers. I then realized what I'd said could be applied to our relationship, or the one Kit wanted with me.

"I'm glad we're in agreement. I've been thinking, we should get married right away. Let's elope! I don't want to wait."

I sat up too fast and became dizzy. I held my head and replied, wincing, "We can't jump into marriage. Our families and friends—"

"Okay, you plan it all: cake, flowers, invites... everything. I'll plan a weekend honeymoon trip. We can take a real one next summer." He rose out of bed. I watched him open his suitcase and sort through this neatly folded clothes, gathering shorts, a shirt and underwear to put on after his morning shower.

"Do you really want this? I feel like we're rushing it, even after eight years." I, too, stood up and reached for my shirt.

He turned to me with disheveled hair, a day's worth of stubble and a smile. "Yes. You?"

"Before I answer, how do you feel the trip went? Do you feel we resolved things?" I put on my shirt and rubbed my wet head to get my hair to lay flat.

"We got along fabulously. What more do you want?" Wil wasn't aggravated, but he sounded a touch snappy. "We reconnected, enjoyed each other's company, had romance and a few tiffs, but we made up quickly. I'd say that's progress." He stared at me, waiting for me to contradict him.

Rolling it around in my head, I came to the same conclusion as he about marriage. "Yeaah ... okay! As long as we don't fall into that rut again—cohabitation without conversation or interaction."

Wil gave me a deep kiss, then promised, "We won't fall into anything; I'll make sure of it." He patted my shoulder and set off to shower while I set our suitcases in the hall for the crew to collect.
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"Let's grab a quick breakfast at the buffet and do some last minute souvenir shopping." Wil suggested, slipping on a pair of sandals as the public address system announced the news of how to debark.

"I could go for a croissant and some fruit." I told him, taking his hand. I was amorous toward him after making love and our talk. I really felt something in me react to him as I had years ago when we were in tune with one another.

"I need coffee." Wil rubbed his head. "My head aches comparable to a hangover.

"What did you do last night with Dirk besides the rock climbing wall?"

"Nothing, well I bought him a few beers. I didn't drink much. I suppose climbing that rock and looking upward for so long has given me a crook in my neck." Now he rubbed the back of his neck, but I took over and walked behind him, massaging his neck and shoulders. He slowed his pace and moaned.

"That's doing the trick." He rolled his head forward so I could work my hands up his neck and into his hair. I glanced around quick-like for Dirk and Kit. With no sign of them, I turned my attention back to my partner, or was he my fiancé? Neither of us proposed, but we'd talked about marriage and I was to carry out the plans for our wedding. I guess he'd proposed in a roundabout way. Not very romantic, but at my age I suppose I shouldn't expect the moon.

Wil and I drank mimosas while we enjoyed the ripe fruit, and freshly baked pastries that breakfast offered. Our view was of L.A.. How weird it was to be home again. The cruise went by so fast I swore we'd left yesterday.

Again, I glanced around for the two boys. I told myself I wanted to see them to say goodbye and thank them for the companionship throughout the vacation. They had entertained Wil and me with their playfulness and youthful humor.

"Hello there, young men." Daniel Thorne stopped at our table with his wife Amy. "It's great to see you. We wanted to say farewell before we left the ship. We enjoyed your company during dinner."

Mrs. Thorne stood there with her purse in hand nodding. "It was a pleasure meeting you. You're both such interesting men."

I stood up, smiling, and wrapped my arms around her and then I shook Daniel's hand. Wil did too while I stated, "Happy anniversary and my best wishes for many more."

Amy wiped her tears with a tissue she found in her purse. "Indeed we will have many. The secret to staying together so long is to let each other have their way. I let Daniel think he's always right." She laughed.

Daniel smirked at us. "I disagree. It's her way or no way."

"Oh now you know that's not true." Amy batted at her husband. "It is communication, empathy, and spending time together. You two will make it. I have no doubt." She smiled and grabbed Wil and I again for a hug.

We finished breakfast after they left. I continued to look for the young boys.

"What are you looking for?" Wil asked, and swept his napkin across his mouth before he dropped it on his empty plate.

I made something up, "I'm taking a last look around." My eyes shifted away from his for a brief moment, then I stated truthfully, "I had a wonderful time. Thanks for agreeing to a cruise."

A smile graced Wil's face. "I'm glad we did this too. Are you finished?" He pointed to my half-eaten croissant.

"Yes." I pushed my plate away. My stomach was a bundle of nerves. If I didn't see Kit one last time it would cause me anguish. I'd even settle for a glimpse of him.

No. I had to make a clean break. Wil and I had a renewed outlook on life and we'd promised to behave differently from here on out. It was a commitment neither of us wanted to break.

Wil stood and held out a hand. I took it and rose from my chair with a smile for him. "What did you say you wanted to buy before we disembark?"

He shrugged. "I didn't."

"You just want to window shop?" It was unlike him.

"I want to get something else for Kane, okay? A shirt from Hawaii isn't much."

He was rather snappish in his defense. "I don't mind. You don't have to explain yourself to me," I told him calmly and saw his posture relax. I felt a blush creep up my neck. I think I'd always be embarrassed each time he mentioned Kane. His name brought up images of our threesome.

We shopped for an hour in various stores before he found something we both thought Kane would like. Wil had it gift wrapped while I stood in the atrium looking up at the lighting and artwork. I sighed and felt a melancholy smile appear on my face. I'd miss this ship and all that happened on it. Now we had to go back home and return to our routines of getting up for work, coming home, making dinner and going to bed. I hope that we wouldn't retreat to opposite sides of our home and ignore each other.

Wil and I strolled through the atrium looking at the brightly dressed people headed for the gangplank. He stopped in front of the candy store and caught me between his body and the wall.

"I need a kiss."

"Here? Now?" I asked within the crowded area.

"Yes, now. Are you too embarrassed to kiss me in public?"

"Hardly." I scoffed and laid one on him. He moaned and pulled away before I could get my tongue into his mouth.

Wil's shining eyes mirrored mine. "I love you, Richard Parker."

"Love you too, Wil Davis." I smiled and patted his cheek. "I could go for some Huckleberry saltwater taffy or chewy red licorice or-" I nodded to the store.

"Anything you want, it's yours." Wil said in his low sexy way. "You stay here and I'll get you some sweets."

"Thanks." I told him kindly and leaned against the wall after he left. I adjusted my heavy camera bag onto my other shoulder.

I don't know why, but I looked to the right and squinted. Among throngs of people, I saw Kit jogging my way and waving his hand over his head.

He stopped just short of me and took a big breath. He was flushed from running and tapped his chest to catch his breath.

"Richard," he breathed, "I'm glad ... that I caught ... you." Kit put a hand on the wall and put his weight on it.

"Hi Kit. I'm glad too."

"You are?" A grin lit up his face.

"Yes, I wanted the chance to say goodbye to you and Dirk."

Kit's face showed me he didn't think that was the reason. He fiddled with the strap on my shoulder bag. "I want to see you as soon as possible."

"I'm right here." I chuckled.

"You're funny." He abruptly came in and kissed my cheek, then whispered in my ear, "I want to see you tonight."

"Why?" My brow furrowed with questions after he moved from my ear.

"I like you, dummy." He smiled broadly with raised cheeks.

He hadn't enlightened me. "I know you like me."

"Cool, so when and where can we meet?"

Ah-Ha! "I can't meet you. Wil and I are—"

"Together, I know. You've said it many times. Yet, you go weak-kneed when you kiss me, you melt into me. I know you have feelings for me. Feelings that could be interpreted as love."

His eyes challenged mine and I was speechless for a moment because when I thought about it, he could be right about the love statement. His baby blues softened and searched for a fragment of surrender from me. My stomach became ill and I cursed the breakfast I shouldn't have swallowed. I should've anticipated feeling queasy.

Ashamed and unable to break my gaze from him, I spoke out weakly, "We're planning on getting married." Pain and shock in his eyes and sorrowful, turned-down lips dictated me to glance down to the carpet to cut the connection we had. I pressed my lips into a tight line.

I noticed he'd put his right hand in the pocket of his cargo pants. His fingers were playing or fidgeting with something that was in there. He made a small noise not unlike a whimper.

"I broke up with Dirk this morning."

I shook my head, recognizing my gut reaction of tremendous guilt for leading him on; an indefensible misbehavior. "You should find him and explain you made a mistake."

Kit slapped one hand on the top of his head and arched his eyebrows, which created horizontal lines across his forehead. "I didn't make a mistake. I chose you," he cried out with his head tilted forward.

He'd become defensive. God, I really did a job on this kid. I regretted sending Wil inside the candy store alone. I didn't want this discussion with Kit, not now, not ever.

"I want you, Ricky."

I turned my head away because the desperation in his voice reflected on his face. Cold sweat glued my shirt to my back. I couln't think of one single way to let him down easy. There was no good way and reasoning with him would only prolong the inevitable.

"You can't ... look, I—" I went silent when Wil walked out of the shop with a bag of candy for me and a suspicious look for Kit. I smiled at Wil before I glanced at Kit and stated in a shaky voice, "Goodbye."

"Richard, please...," he begged in a throaty whisper, staring at me, eyes reflecting hope with despair. Please? he mouthed, then held his breath for my answer.

I'd seen his tear filled eyes and my heart clenched. I was the worst kind of person there was—the kind I hated. I took Wil's hand and walked away, leaving Kit crying. I hadn't uttered another word to him and I didn't take one last glance back.

Together, Wil and I stepped off the ship. Setting foot on land was the mark of a new beginning for him and me.