Guilty Pleasures

I opened the door and came face to face with Ann James, an older woman with a kind face wearing a blond, bob haircut. She had a thick folder in her hand and wore a fashionable pantsuit.

"Hello," she stated politely, "I'm Ann."

"Richard." I shook her hand. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw a little boy peering from behind her.

"Come in, please." I moved out of the way and led them to the living room. "Have a seat." I swiped the beads of sweat from my forehead and wiped my hands on my slacks.

"As I told you on the phone, this is a preliminary meeting. You don't have to make any decisions at this time nor can I force you to sign anything. Understand?"

"Yes, I fully understand." I smiled at her and looked at the boy with light brown, wavy hair. He had large, frightened brown eyes framed by dark lashes, mirroring mine.

His gaze spun away from mine and he crawled onto Ann's lap, twisting his little body into her and wailed, "Momma, I want momma."

I felt helpless sitting there watching.

Ann rubbed his back until he calmed down while assuring him everything would be okay. His face was red and wet with tears and his eyes were half lidded with sleepiness.

"I suppose introductions are in order." Ann winked at me and put a hand on top of the boy's head. "This is Dawson Appel. Dawson, that man's name is Richard Parker. Can you say hi?"

The boy glanced at me and then buried his head in her bosom asking, "Where's momma?"

I became flustered and dry mouthed. This was probably the most nerve-racking thing I'd gone through in my life. I couldn't imagine Dawson having it any better.

"I have toys," I blurted and looked down in embarrassment.

Luckily, Ann took over. "Dawson, do you want to play while I talk to Richard?"

Ann's warm tone took some of the edge off Dawson's uncertainty. The boy's gaze flickered past me, then he sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve before I could grab a tissue. He crawled down Ann's legs and sat on the floor. The toys I'd bought last night were on the other side of me. He'd have to walk past me to get to them. He sat there unsure and looking at me warily. I stood up and brought three toys to him, seeing his arms circle Ann's legs due to fright.

"There you go. A fire truck and blocks in a box and a stuffed bear that can talk." I pushed the button on the bear's paw. "I like you," the bear claimed.

"Well, let's begin while he takes time to acclimate to his environment."

I nodded, still overwhelmed by the visit.

"As I mentioned, his mother Olivia Appel was single," she spoke in a low voice so Dawson wouldn't hear. "The sperm you donated four years ago impregnated her. Unfortunately, she died in a car accident two days ago and since you filed to be an open donor, you are hereby his legal guardian, or father—whatever you prefer—if you choose to raise him."

"What happens to him I don't?" I just needed to know my options. He was my son by blood. I hadn't thought I'd meet him so soon. I'd signed the open donor paperwork because I thought he'd want to know me when he turned eighteen. By then I'd be ready to answer his questions, but his mother had died and Dawson had to rely on a stranger to be his parent.

"He'd go into the foster system until he's adopted." Ann said, patting Dawson's head. He silently rolled the fire truck back and forth, slowly coming out of his shell.

I didn't reply to her. Instead, I took to the floor and inched my way over to Dawson.

"He's very bright. Olivia was a scientist."

Ann needn't motivate me to want to take him in. I wanted nothing more than for this to carry out, and yes, maybe I acted selfishly by making the decision on my own, but this felt like my predetermined destiny. I dare not fuck with fate.

I opened the box containing the small blocks painted with animals and the letters of the alphabet. I glanced at Dawson to see if I could interest him as I stacked them. He stopped playing and watched me intently, so I held a block out to him. He looked unsure, but he did take it and gently placed it atop the six I'd stacked.

"Good job," I said softly so as not to scare him. It gave me a sense of pride though; proud that he accepted the block and that he stacked it without the tower falling over. He had incredible patience and finger dexterity.

"Ann, I don't have to think about it. I know I want to raise him. He's my blood." I looked to her, then back at Dawson. "He's perfect."

"I'll just need to know, are you engaged or married, have a girlfriend?" Ann had opened her manila folder and took pen to hand.

"No, none of the above. I do have a ..." I worked my lip. Would she think me a pervert, being gay and dating someone in his teens? "Does it matter?"

"For Dawson's best interest, I'd like for him to meet anyone close to you before I sign off on him."

"Alright." I nodded. "I'm gay. I'm seeing someone special and he lives here. He's invited me to live with him, but he doesn't know I have a son, so I didn't give him an answer. I wanted to see how this meeting went first."

"I'm sure I don't have to tell you to tell him soon."

Ann didn't quite reprimand me, but I saw where her concern came from. However, I didn't want to lose Kit nor this boy of mine.

"I will." I looked down. Dawson held a block out to me with a timid expression. I smiled at him and took the block. "Thank you, Dawson. It's very nice of you to share." I put the block on the stack. Wouldn't you know it, it toppled over. "Uh Oh," I said and laughed to show him that I wouldn't get mad over a silly mistake.

"Ohh-ohh," Dawson mimicked me and pointed to the fallen tower.

"It's okay, we can build another one." We took turns as Ann filled out the necessary forms, continuing to interview me and ask me questions about family, healthcare, and the other necessary information. She continued to speak when I heard the key in the front door.

The blood drained from my face as I scrambled up, but I didn't reach the door in time to send Kit on another errand. He came in with the laundry and one bag of groceries.

"Hi babe. There's two more bags in the-" Kit stared past me. "Who's the lady and the midget?" he whispered, handing me the clean bedding.

I looked from him to Ann and Dawson and then back to Kit. "I'll introduce you." I told him to put the groceries in the kitchen while I went to the bedroom and set the blankets and sheets on the bed.

I saw Kit had already made himself comfortable on the floor next to Dawson when I came out of the bedroom. "Fire truck! Vrroom Vrroom. Beep Beep," he said with a laugh, getting Dawson to smile.

"Ann, this is Chrystopher, Kit for short. Kit, this is Ann James, the lawyer I was talking to on the phone. This little guy is Dawson Appel." Kit shook Ann's hand and gave a high five to my son. Again I smiled, proud of my little boy.

Kit built a pyramid with the blocks and Dawson ran into it with the fire truck, both laughing loudly. Ann and I had smiles on our faces. It occurred to me that I had two kids. I rolled my eyes at the thought because my claim wasn't that far off—Kit being closer in age to Dawson than Kit was to me!

Ann observed them for a while and glanced at me, our eyes meeting. She nodded and I knew what I had to do.

"Kit."

"Yeah?"

He continued playing with my three-year-old. "I need you to look at me."

His eyes met mine with his eyebrows high. "What?"

I gulped and blinked rapidly. "Dawson is... What I want to say is that four years ago I…" I looked to Ann for help when my mind went blank.

She encouraged me with another nod and I took a breath and looked once again at Kit who had tilted his head and narrowed one eye.

"He's my son."

Kit just stared at me with a fixed expression. He didn't say anything or react. He appeared paralyzed.

I walked to him and knelt down. Taking his hand, I questioned, "Did you hear me?"

"You cheated on Wil and you had a kid ... with her?" He stuck a finger out at Ann, but he didn't look at her, his gaze locked on mine, his eyes a shadow of his usually bright ones.

I shook my head. "No, I donated at a sperm bank and filled out a form to be an open donor, which means the recipient can find out who I am. Dawson's mother died and I'm next of kin. I'm his dad, Kit."

"I can't believe it." He dropped his gaze and exhaled through lips that had formed a circle.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I only found out myself a short while ago. I wanted to meet Dawson on my own."

"You still should have told me." His sharp tone and the undercurrent of hurt reminded me of Wil's when I broke up with him. I dreaded Kit would break up with me.

"I know." I bit my lip, teeth sinking in until it hurt. It seemed I'd be raising Dawson in a hotel room. I didn't blame Kit, this had been sprung on him and he happened to be stuck in the middle.

"What are you going to do?"

I let out a slow breath. "I've decided to take him in and raise him. He needs me. He has no one else and I'd be broken up if my own child went to a foster home.

"I understand," Kit murmured and sighed before speaking again, "I'm going to the bedroom. I'll let you guys talk alone." He stood up and walked away before I could tell him to stay with us. I watched him round the corner and disappear. I convinced myself that if I were in his position, I'd need some time to be alone to think as well. It disheartened me, but at the same time I had to turn my attention back to Ann and my son.

"I'll just need your signature and a few initials on these pages," she told me. I walked to the couch and took a seat. Dawson looked about confused.

"Go?" His high voice accompanied questioning, puckered brows.

"We'll go in a few minutes, Dawson." Ann answered him and handed me a stack of papers along with his birth certificate, social security number, medical information and other important papers.

"No. Go?" He pointed to where Kit disappeared.

"Oh, Kit went to take a nap," I said, initialing the pages.

Dawson climbed onto Ann again and fussed. "It's his naptime too." She smiled and patted Dawson's back as he put a thumb into his mouth and began sucking.

"He doesn't usually suck his thumb. He just started yesterday."

Sympathetically, I replied, "He misses her. It's a way of comforting himself."

"Yes, that's exactly right."

I signed the last page and tucked the papers into the folder for her. "When do I find out if I can have him?"

"You will have him, Richard. I'll file the paperwork and get back to you as soon as possible."

"Do you have a time frame?"

"Not too long. I'd say a couple of days to a week, which should give you and Kit time to work out the details. Dawson likes him. I hope the feeling is returned."

How could Kit not like this adorable mini me? "I'll talk with him."

Dawson waved goodbye to me with his head on Ann's shoulder looking sleepy.

"Thanks again," I told her.

"You're welcome. It's delightful to find a parent such as you that takes an instant interest in his child."

"Thank you. He wears a diaper?" I pointed, seeing plastic sticking out of the back of his pants. I'd neglected to think of toilet training when I shopped for him last night.

"That, too, started yesterday. He used the potty the day before just fine and when social services picked him up from the babysitter's home, he had underwear on. I'm assuming he's regressing a bit, but with love and patience, he'll be back on his game."

I stared at my boy, who had fallen asleep. "I have to go shopping. I need diapers and a seat for the car and..."

"Don't worry. I have his clothes and toys and a list of foods that he likes from his babysitter. He's staying with her until the last T is crossed and all the I's are dotted. I'll bring his belongings when I deliver him to you. Until then, just relax. It may be the last time you do," she said with a wink and a smile.

I closed the door as the weight of what she'd said hit me. There would be late night wake ups, no 'me' time, no 'us' time for Kit and I—that is if he'd stay with me. I had to find out. If he broke up with me, I had to get a head start on looking for a child friendly neighborhood and a babysitter! There was so much to do, maybe I'd taken on too much, but when I thought of my son's smile I knew it'd be worth it.

"Come in," Kit stated from the bedroom when I knocked. I opened the door warily and walked in. He leaned his shoulder against the window frame as he looked outside.

I put my hands on his shoulders from behind and tried loosen the tense muscles with a massage. "Kit," I said close to his ear.

"I don't want to talk. I'm going to get the rest of the groceries." He shrugged my hands off his body as if disgusted by my touch and walked away only to do and about-face in the doorway. "Tell me, did you send me to do fucking errand shit 'cause it needed to be done or did you not want me here when your lawyer and kid came?"

"The latter." I tensed, bracing myself for him to explode in a fury of curses and accusations, possible slapping or hitting, and breaking up with me.

His eyes communicated that I'd insulted him. His skin became splotchy in places as his tears welled up. "Thanks for the trust." He stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

I unpacked the single bag of groceries he'd already brought in, finding celebratory food for tonight, except we wouldn't be celebrating. I wiped my eye. A tear had beaded up, but hadn't fallen and I wouldn't let it. Right as I closed the refrigerator, Kit stalked in with two bags and set them heavily on the counter.

"Answer this, what was all that other shit this morning?"

"What?" I gave a pinched expression.

"Making love—was it real or fake—a way to get me to take the news of you having a kid better? Did you ask me how I felt about you to see if I'd leave you or stay with you after I found out about Dawson? Did you really mean it when you said you're in love with me or was that another lie?"

"We did make love. It was real, there was no maliciousness on my part, and I am in love with you. I didn't lie, but I intended to have the meeting without you. I didn't expect you home, nor did I think they'd be here as long as they were." I'd been honest, but I could see on his face that it wasn't appreciated, not one bit.

Kit left again so I gave him some time while I finished putting the groceries away. When I found him standing in the bedroom, the bed had been made and crease-free.

"Is there anything I can say to make this right?" I sat at the bottom of the bed watching him rubbing his wet eyes.

"You don't think you've done enough? Go ahead and hurt me more. Get it all out. You might as well because nothing else can hurt as much as this."

My mouth snapped shut. I'd underestimated him greatly. Fearing that I'd lose him, I stood and forced him into a hug. He resisted and tried to push me away, but eventually he gave up and collapsed into my arms, murmuring, "I'm not a kid, you can tell me anything. I want to be part of your life, but sometimes you treat me like a child."

I kissed his temple several times and whispered, "I was afraid to tell you."

His head jerked back, shock on his face, and out came a muffled squeak, "Afraid? Of what? Of me?"

"Of how you'd react and if you'd still want me. This is a whole other person we're talking about. He'll disrupt our routine. We'll be responsible for him and we won't get as much time alone. What I'm saying is you need to take as much time as you need to think about this. Think of what you'd be giving up."

"Or what I'm gaining."

Kit rested his head against me again. I began to slow dance with him, moving side to side slowly while humming in his ear.

"You really are a daddy now, aren't you." he chuckled and wiggled his fingers on my waist.

"Ooh!" I twisted away while laughing. It's not that I didn't like being tickled, but the sensation that caused one to laugh helplessly isn't enjoyable.

"Ricky? What would that make me?"

"An uncle?"

"Uncle?" Kit shook his head.

"Aunt?"

"No!" he laughed and slugged my arm. "I'm serious."

"Just Kit, I suppose." I thought. "If you decide to accept him as part of my family, then I'd accept your proposal of moving in. Of course, Dawson would live here too, but that's something I want you to ponder over. Don't give me an answer right away."

"And what if I don't want him here?" He'd asked a valid question.

"I'd find a place for me and him."

Kit swiped his lips with his tongue. "And what about me?"

"I'd still want to see you, Kit. I love you and I want you in both mine and Dawson's life."

He nodded with a thoughtful expression. "Again, what is my relationship with Dawson?"

"It's what you make it. Be his...," I began to laugh, "brother!"

"See! I knew it! You just want two children to take care of."

"No," I became somber. "I want you as you are." I had a firm grip on his hips and pulled him flush with my body. "I fell in love with the man that you are."

"I love you too." He kissed me softly with parted lips, then pulled back. "I bought some food to persuade you to move in, but like you said, I'll think about it. However, we can start out with dessert." He wiggled his brows at me with sparkling blue eyes beneath them, a mischievous look in them.

"I unpacked the grocery bags. You didn't buy dessert." I stated, playing along while unbuttoning his jeans and drawing down the zipper.

"You're right, I didn't." His sexy voice reached my cock and suddenly I'd been pushed onto the bed on my back with him pinning me in place. My fingers reached into his jeans and found his cock.

"Not wearing underwear? What would your old sponsor say to that?"

"Fuck 'em," he replied and lowered his face to mine. I fondled him until he became hard, during which, he sprinkled light kisses over my face and neck, giving me shivers.

"Gotta get out of these clothes." He said, straddling me and grasped the back of his hoodie and lifted it over his head. "Don't just lay there eye fucking me, take yours off too."

"You'll have to get up first." I stated, unbuttoning my shirt.

Kit backed off and removed the rest of his clothing. I viewed the remarkable sight: small frame, angelic face and a smile that would have any gay man within a fifty-mile radius grinning broadly back, defining his smile as an invitation to his bedroom.

I undid my pants and he swept them down along with my underwear.

"Damn you look so good." He ran his warm hands up and down my legs.

"Better than this morning?" I asked with a chuckle and circled his waist. I pulled him down on top of me, face to face.

"You look good anytime you undress. I'm just happy you're with me." His eyes turned troubled. "When you didn't choose me…"

"I know, I was there. I wanted to be with you, but I owed it to myself to find out if I still loved Wil. I needed confirmation."

"I'm glad it eventually turned to be in my favor." Kit snuggled his face into my shoulder.

"Get the lube." I ordered and watched him lean over to the drawer. He scraped it open and reached inside.

"What should I do with it?" He asked playfully, tilting it back and forth in his hand.

"What do you think?" I stated, looking deep into his eyes, and heard a pleasant moan from him.

He lubed two fingers and said, "I want to taste your dick too." Quick as a flash his head dove down and took my manhood into his mouth, his slippery fingers exploring my hole. I fought for my breath; it had been taken away by his eagerness. His fingertips stroked the inner walls of my most neediest place, then he shot straight up, sitting.

"Hey!" He exclaimed.

"Hm?" I dreamily asked with my eyes closed and my hands behind my head.

"Can I cum inside you?"

I opened one eye to look at him. "Is that what you want?"

He bobbed his head briskly and panted out, "Yes, can I?"

"Sure." I smiled at him. "How do you want me?"

"On your back just as you are. Oh..." I saw him wince. "Are you able to get your legs up to your chest?"

"Christ." I rolled my eyes and showed him I could be agile and flexible by bringing my legs up and out to fit around his slender body.

"Ah, so you've done this before," His voice teased, but with enthusiasm at another chance to penetrate me.

"Yes, many times." I gave him my best smug smile and held my legs behind the knee as he lubed up.

He skipped the formalities and carefully pressed himself into me. "I feel like a virgin."

"Why?" I asked and grunted as he slammed his hips forward, gaining an inch in me.

"I rarely fuck you; it's always the other way around. AhhhGod!" He screeched and drew back, then hauled his body forward again.

I let out a long and low moan and trembled all over. "Yeah, keep going," I uttered hoarsely.

Kit's hands roamed over parts of my body: my thighs, my waist and even my hips as he thrust in and out of me. He advanced from mid-pace to a faster tempo and drove me toward utopia.

I gazed at the teen between my legs who had the strength to go all night with his young, rigid cock. I had fantasized about this moment, him making love to me face to face, but my dreams were nothing like this. Nothing compared to reality.

I held onto his shoulder while stroking myself. I gasped each time he rammed into me, nearly losing my breath.

He achieved a steady, effective pace and periodically used quick jabs and prods to bring me to the brink of my orgasm. He studied my face as he flexed and snapped his hips, trying to gauge my reaction, making sure to deliver the best fucking he could.

"How's that feel?" The shiny tip of his tongue lay on his bottom lip as he sucked in air. "Do you like my cock in you?"

"Ohh, fuck, yesss." I moaned and squeezed the head of my dick, drawing precum from it, then I went back to stroking steadily.

"Good, cause now I'm really gonna fuck you." He plowed me into the mattress. I thought he was good before, but this, goddamn. He was a fuck machine supplying me with constant prostate stimulation with his thick cock and fast motions. He made me cum before I believed I would.

He came powerfully and loudly, cursing up a storm along with prolonged grunts and slower and uneven hip movements. He collapsed to the side of me with his eyes closed, muttering, "Oh fuck, fuck me."

I turned on my side, smiled at the blissful look on his face, and touched his damp hair with my fingers.

"You were so good." I nibbled on his ear. "So, so good."

Kit's eyes snapped open. "Who's better? Me or Wil?"

I shook my head. Had I heard him correctly? "What?"

"Who's better?" he repeated and propped himself on his side with his elbow.

"This isn't a competition."

"You're better than Dirk. He usually just lays there and makes noises every now and then. He liked to top more than he did bottom, but I didn't mind."

"I don't want to know." I lay on my back and swept the dark hair on my forehead back. It turned out to be damp enough that it stayed in place.

"I thought you'd want to know."

I may have been curious back in high school, but I didn't give a shit as an adult. I was with whom I wanted to be, exes didn't count anymore. "Take a shower while I whip up dinner. I'm sure you worked up an appetite." I sat up and looked around for my underwear. It was in my pants on the floor.

Arms surrounded my neck from behind and a warm kiss touched the side of my neck. "Join me?"

"I'll take mine later. You go ahead." I waited for him to let go of me so I could stand and get dressed.

"Okay."

I received another kiss and a wet lick, then he bounced up and ran to the bathroom. I stood up with my lower back aching and held a hand on it for a moment. Next time, maybe I'd suggest he take me from behind. God I felt old.