Guilty Pleasures

The morning after the comedy show, I sat against the headboard and watched Wil sleep. So far we'd had sex a couple of times and argued just as much. They canceled each other out, so what was left? I scratched my chest and pondered where we'd gone wrong.

We'd began to take each other for granted and that's when the loss of affection and respect for one another was lost. I didn't mistake affection for love or sex. Sex was sex for us and a means to an end. It was sometimes passionate, but only because our sex drives needed to be sated.

Wil stirred, but he didn't wake. I thought back to last night when we met up with the kids. They must have been standing there since dinner because they were first in line. I could sense the tension between them, and when they greeted us, it wasn't in their usual enthusiastic way. They weren't standing next to each other, nor were they talking to one another.

Wil and I would each take a kid, sit next to him, and hopefully turn his mood around. I asked in Wil's ear if he'd take Dirk on one side of him while sitting next to me and I'd put Kit on the other side of me since I felt he'd be more comfortable with me—having taken him to the bar to talk.

He agreed and we sat near the front by the stage. Wil made small talk with Dirk while I gave my full attention to Kit.

"How have you been since dinner?" I asked.

"Fine."

His answer hadn't satisfied me and his demeanor told me he wasn't fine.

"Did you make up?"

"No, would you if Mister Davis did the same thing to you?"

He looked me in the eye and I was at his mercy. I shook my head. "You could though. Clearly you love each other very much and I'm sure he'll take the video down if you ask him. The library has computers and I'm sure it's a simple matter of deleting the video, although I'm not too sure how twinktube works."

"There's a library here?" He asked and looked suspiciously with narrowed eyes and one side of his cheek sucked inward as he examined my expression. "Did you and he—oh shit."

"What?" I asked innocently as I tried to hide my oncoming blush. I berated myself for watching that video. Dirk was a piece of shit. He shouldn't have posted the private session and I was a douche for watching it!

"You and Wil, you two saw it. You saw the video, didn't you?"

He wasn't accusatory, more like disappointed. I put my elbow on the armrest, accidentally knocking his arm off it. "You can have it." I moved my arm.

"We can share, I don't mind. But tell me the truth, did you guys?"

I took in the shakiest breath I'd ever drawn and nodded. "We did. I'm truly sorry. I don't know what to say or how to explain it other than to say it was curiosity. I'm a terrible person, I know."

"It's okay." He said in a whisper on a light breath of air. "Was it dumb?"

"Dumb? No, there's a lot of people that tape their lovemaking."

"I mean..." He nibbled on the inside of his cheek before proceeding. "Was the video dumb, was it bad?"

I understood. "Oh! No it was really wonderful." I clamped my jaw closed at what I'd heard come out of my mouth. I tried to salvage my verbal diarrhea, "Kit, you have nothing to worry about. You and Dirk looked great, it was natural and anyone can see that you love each other when they watch it." Again, not what I wanted to say.

"You enjoyed it." His tone was flat with the accusation.

"To be honest, yes, but then I felt incredibly guilty for watching it."

"Why?"

"Because you're a person with feelings and you didn't give permission for Dirk to post it. Besides, it's weird watching when you know the people in the video."

"So you didn't like it." His chin dropped to his chest. "I wish it would have stayed private. I don't mind modeling in tiny underwear or swimsuits or even being naked while covering my junk with my hand, but naked and fucking and begging for it? I could kill him."

I put my hand over his on the armrest where it was resting. "You can move past it and forgive him. I'm sure he thought it was harmless and he didn't mean to hurt you." I squeezed and he glanced up at me again with a half-smile.

"You have a lot of advice for someone on the outs with his boyfriend."

Everything stopped moving and I stopped breathing. The sounds around me as people filled the chairs faded out and I heard myself say, "What the hell do you know about it?"

He snuck his hand back and placed it on his thigh. "Wil told me you both took this trip to rekindle your romance."

How dare he! I nudged Wil hard and gave him one of my angriest looks. "You told them about us?" I asked in a low voice.

He looked lost so I elaborated. "About our relationship and why we're taking this cruise."

"Yeah, it's not a secret."

"I can't believe you. That's our personal shit, Wil."

"Look, anyone can see by looking at us or talking to us that we're in trouble so I just explained to them how it is."

"And how is it? Did you exaggerate? Just what did you tell them?" I was burning mad now.

"The truth. Now let me get back to Dirk, I think he's starting to feel remorse for what he's done."

He turned away before I could ream him out.

"Are you all right?" Kit asked in a soft voice.

"Yeah, I will be. Boyfriends, huh? They can be such jerks."

"Yup." Kit said with a small laugh trailing.

I continued on that path since his mood was beginning to lift. "Can't live with them, can't shoot them."

"That's pretty funny Mister Parker." Kit snickered at my joke.

"Call me Richard, please. Mister Parker is my father and he really is old."

"Nah, I like Ricky better."

"Now I feel like a teenager."

"I don't think so." He smiled at me and put his hand back on the armrest. "I'm looking forward to laughing now. I was ready to leave before. I just don't understand his decisions sometimes."

I looked past Wil at Dirk. I didn't understand him either, but I thought I knew the motive. "Maybe he posted it to get you comfortable being naked in the public eye?"

"I am not going to do porn." He stated firmly, scrunching up his face. "I have respect for my body. God, I keep wondering if my parents know or my friends."

"You'll get through it. You’re pretty tough."

"I don't feel tough, I feel vulnerable."

I changed the subject because he was getting down on himself. "Where do you live?"

"New York. That's the mecca for models and modeling jobs. What about you? What do you do in California?"

"I take pictures."

"For weddings and shit?"

"Not exactly. I take pictures of scenery, people, unusual things here and there and whatever speaks to me through color and texture."

"You make money doing that?"

"Several of my books have been published. They're basically coffee table books."

"That's cool."

"Yes, it's the life." I smiled at him and he gave me a warm one back.

"I like your hair." He said as he looked at it. "It's not an old guy haircut."

Here we go with the old guy routine. "I've worn it this way this most of my life."

"Most?"

"I didn't have hair as a baby." I teased and felt my barriers fall down. Kit wasn't too bad to talk to alone, but with Dirk at his side I felt bombarded by mocking at my expense.

"You should try stand-up comedy."

"No way. I'll leave that to the professionals." I peeked at his lips and recalled how they looked in the video and hurriedly thought of something else. I had to erase him from my mind!

"What are you thinking about? You have a wicked look in your eyes."

"Nothing," I replied too rapidly.

"Ohh, I think it's something." His smile was knowing and playful. He turned away when the lights dimmed and the host made his way onstage to introduce the comedian. That's the last we spoke. After the show, we parted ways.

The next part of the night wasn't so hot. Wil and I were walking to our cabin when he brought up the subject of children.

"If we'd adopted older kids like you wanted, they'd be Dirk and Kit's age."

I shrugged, having agreed to, yet not liking the choice we'd made in life years ago. "But we didn't."

What he said next shocked the hell out of me.

"I think we made a mistake about not having them."

"We? I wanted kids and you didn't."

"You should have been more firm about it. I wouldn't have minded a couple of rugrats."

"You know as well as I do that I cannot make you do anything once your mind is made up."

"Still... you could have spoken up for yourself. You shouldn't have given in to me."

"I wanted to be with you. I made a conscience decision and I chose you over kids. What do you want from me? You want to adopt now?"

He laughed with sarcasm. "Oh right, because we'd be the ideal parents. All this fighting is giving me a headache."

"You brought it up, honey, not me." I stormed ahead of him to our room where I undressed and slipped into bed. He didn't come right away. He may have walked around or gone back to the library before he came to bed.

Currently, I was waiting for him to wake up so we could talk because frankly, I was ready to ask the Captain if there was another room for purchase. I couldn't see us enjoying the rest of the cruise together.

"Wil." I shook his arm to rouse him. "Wake up."

He let out a groggy 'why' and stretched. "Lemme sleep."

"We have to talk. I can't go on like this." I pled and it worked. He opened his eyes.

"What, you need release?"

He's got me all wrong. "No, I don't want sex. I'm telling you if we keep arguing and fighting, I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Are you threatening me?" He pushed himself up to a sitting position. "Is this about that video?"

"No." I couldn't help feeling exasperated. I voiced my opinion, "It's about you and me, us. If we can't even get along on this wonderful, beautiful vacation, what does that say about our relationship?"

Wil scratched his head and groaned as he stretched again. "You're right. We've been at each other's throats. What do you suggest?"

I sighed. I was all out of ideas. "I don't know." My voice was low and unsteady. He took me in his arms and kissed my bare shoulder.

"I don't want to lose you, I know that much." He said against my skin. I raised my arm and tangled my fingers in his locks.

"Me either. We're in the same boat as we've been for a long time."

"Funny you saying that while we're on a cruise ship."

I smiled. "How do you feel?" I asked to fish out his emotions about us.

"Fine. I had a restful sleep."

"I mean about us. Right now, how do you feel?"

"I agree we need to do something. So, feelings are where we start?"

I nodded. "And be completely honest. If we aren't honest with each other, it won't get better."

"Okay." He released me and leaned back against the headboard. "I'm frustrated, angry and sometimes it seems we aren't going anywhere. I want to give up, but I don't. Most of the time I don't want to talk about this because I'm sick of it all."

I asked for honesty and boy did I get it. I fought the tears that threaten to give away my emotions. "Are you angry with me?"

"Sometimes. I just get to that place where I wonder why we're even a couple. Why is it so hard to keep us together?" He looked at me, but I didn't have the answer.

"I've felt that way that too," I admitted and heard a low whistle from him. "But we both recognize we need to do something different and here we are."

"Right, so why are we fighting?"

"Close quarters? You usually go on your computer, I usually have a TV, and we separate ourselves. Maybe fighting is one way we deal with the loss of our ritual and habits back home?"

"Sounds logical." Wil swung his legs out from under the blanket and stood up in his briefs. "I saw Dirk last night while I was walking around before I came back here." He had my interest so he continued, "He was curled up on a chaise lounge. I said hi to him and he told me he was sleeping there, so I kept him company for a while."

"Kit didn't forgive him?" I pushed the blanket down and got up too.

"No, but I don't blame the kid. Dirk needs to suffer a little to realize what he's got—a treasure of a boyfriend."

"That's all you talked about?"

"Yes. He's going to apologize this morning by bringing Kit breakfast in bed and then seducing him, his idea, not mine." Wil grinned, his whole face lighting up.

"I hope they work it out."

"I hope we work it out."

"Me too." I blinked at him with a straight face. "What do you want to do today?"

"I think after lunch we should go to that no one under age 21 bar you were talking about. As for tonight, I have a surprise. It came to me as I was falling asleep last night."

I perked right up. "A surprise? What is it?"

"Can't tell you." He teased and walked closer. "You'll just have to be patient."

"I'll try." I put my hands on his shoulders and we fell into a kiss, another Band-Aid to cover the wounds. Even if they healed, the scars would always be there. After I topped him, we showered and dressed.

"I'm going to take my camera and lenses and snap a few pictures. You're welcome to join me if you want, otherwise you can do what you'd like and I'll meet you here at noon for lunch."

"I'm going shopping." Wil patted his wallet. "Souvenirs await! I promised Kane something cool."

"Remember to save some money for Hawaii." I laughed and picked up my camera bag. Maybe I'd see Dirk and Kit and snap some pictures of them.

I'd been up and down and front to back of the ship. As it turned out, I only saw Dirk. He was at the railing, leaning over, watching the spray and staring into the deep blue ocean.

"Hi there." I said, setting my bag down, but holding onto my camera.

"Oh hey Richard."

"What's wrong?" I asked and snapped a few off my camera. The light was right for a horizon picture.

"Kit doesn't want to talk to me even after I apologized."

"Take the damn video down," I told him harshly and clicked the button, taking a few more pictures before I changed lenses.

"I did, last night. Your boyfriend was quite persuasive."

"I'm glad you listened to him." I brought my camera down and tilted my head to get a better view of his face. "Kit needs time, trust me. He'll forgive you."

I received a blank look from Dirk so I asked, "May I take your picture?" He pushed himself off the rail and stood up straight. He posed as if it was the most natural thing for him to do and gave me a sparkling smile.

He changed position as I snapped away, getting him from every angle. He was good. Really good. "Where is Kit? I'd love to get you both together."

"In the room. He won't come out. Says he's sick, but I think it's because he doesn't want to see me."

I lowered the camera and stared at him. "Seriously? How long is he going to stay there? He's missing his vacation."

"Tell me about it." Dirk rested his lower back against the railing and watched me put my camera away and hoist the bag on my shoulder.

"If it's any consolation, it bothers me that this whole mess happened between you two."

"Don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Just take care of your relationship."

Once again, I was aware that Wil had spilled our secrets to these kids. I know Wil, and he'd mention everything. He's not one to beat around the bush, he loves to talk. Undoubtedly, Dirk and Kit knew everything about us by now.

"Thanks, I'll take that under consideration." I frowned, told him goodbye and walked to the cabin to wash up and meet Wil.

In order to get through a meal, a date at the 21 and older club, and the surprise tonight, I had to talk my way out of the annoyance working its way into my head caused by Wil's big mouth.

I couldn't change him. I had to deal with that and as soon as I convinced myself he didn't tell the boys about our fights and problems to purposely provoke me, my headache waned.