Guilty Pleasures

I showered to gather my thoughts after Kit fled my room. It helped to sober me up from the high of smoking and from making out with him. I slathered on more aloe, redressed, and made my way to the candy shop to meet up with Dirk, Kit and Wil. There were so many things I wanted to say to Kit, but we wouldn't be alone. What could I say to him in a group setting? Would he look at me and talk to me? How uncomfortable would it be around each other and would the others take notice? Surely they would. How would I explain to Wil what happened? Should I even tell him? No, it would definitely break us up. I shouldn't have acted on my lustful thoughts and kissed Kit, but he'd kissed me back. What did that mean?

That could never happen again. It was wrong in so many ways. Troubled, I walked while staring at the carpeting instead of my usual activity of people watching.

When I got to the candy shop, Wil and Dirk were looking through the glass front of the store at the colorful candies. There was no sign of Kit.

"Hi, you two." My sullen voice made Wil turn and come to me.

Giving me a hug, Wil said, "I know your face must hurt. I should have reminded you to put on lotion before we left."

It made me feel horrible that he thought my mood was due to physical pain, not mental agony and guilt.

"Where's Kit?" Dirk stood next to Wil, quizzically gazing at me, then searched the atrium on the tips of his toes.

I was uncomfortable and unable to look him in the eye out of fear that my eyes would give me away. "I have no idea." I pressed my lips together, holding back my opinion. Kit had to be in either his room or walking around the ship in confusion—just as confused as me.

Wil spoke while checking his watch, "We have time to wait for him."

"What have you planned?" I wondered, clasped my hands together, and twiddled my thumbs.

Dirk replied, "We're going to eat and then Wil and I thought it would be a good idea to catch a magic show."

Oh great. How was I supposed to enjoy myself when I was worried that Kit might say something to Wil or Dirk about what occurred?

I lied, "I'm getting a bit of a headache and my face hurts. I think I'll go to the room and lie down."

Dirk addressed me, "Wait, don't you want to eat?"

"I'm not particularly hungry, but you and Wil have a good time with K-Kit." I had to force myself to say his name.

Wil calmly took me aside by the elbow. "Are you sure? Should I keep you company?"

"No," I said too quickly. "I'm going to bed. You'd be bored watching me sleep." I made myself smile to hide the emotional struggle within. "I want you to stay out and have fun. Enjoy the magic show."

Wil sighed and studied my face while Dirk repeated, "Are you sure you don't know where Kit is? Wasn't he in the room when you left?"

"Um, no. He may be there now." My shoulders rose and fell helplessly.

Dirk turned to Wil. "Let's go check and if he's not there, we'll go to the dining room and eat. He can find us himself."

"All right." Wil agreed, kissed my cheek and then they paraded off together.

I walked outside to take the stairs up to our room. I stalled when I saw Kit walking toward me as if we'd planned this rendezvous ahead of time. My heartbeat became erratic and I felt like a boy in high school seeing his crush in the hallway.

When he saw me, he faltered, then continued to toward me. "Hi," He said with his eyes lowered and a bashful, pink shade on his cheeks.

"Can I speak with you for a moment? It's pretty important."

"Sure." Kit looked up with a half-smile on his face. "I want to talk to you about something as well."

"Let me go first." I shifted my weight and breathed deeply. "Kit, it was wrong of me to kiss you, but I can't stop thinking about you. I have all these feelings I can't define and—"

"I can't stop thinking about you either." He wore an eager grin and took another step closer as he raised his hand to touch me.

I held my hand up so he'd give me a moment to finish. His arm fell to his side and I persisted, "I want to explain that I was in an altered state and under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have made a move on you." Did he believe me? No he didn't, not by the enamored look on his face.

"I bet you would," Kit stated as if he were all-knowing.

It irked me that he could read me so well. I needed to make a firm statement to make him listen. "Believe what you want, but it will never happen again. I love Wil. You and I are friends at best."

"Oh ... Okay." He mumbled remorsefully. My stomach plummeted when I saw his eyes become watery, then he sprinted past me. I didn't look over my shoulder to watch him go. I couldn't.
⩫⩫⩫⩫⩫⩫
I woke when Wil shook me. It was morning, time to get off the ship and tour what we could of Honolulu.

"Wake up. We're meeting Dirk and Kit in a half an hour to grab breakfast and then we're going to the island for more fun and sun. This time remember to put sunscreen on. Hm, that aloe works wonders. You're not so red this morning."

I groaned loudly with my forearm across my eyes. Kit.

Wil mistook my vocals for tiredness and began kissing my chest to rouse me. It became awkward for a moment; I felt like I was cheating on Kit, then I remembered that Wil was my partner.

"You can nap once we get back. Up and at 'em. Surely you want breakfast, you skipped dinner."

I sat up and moved the sheet off me with a rustling sound. I gathered my clothes to take another shower just so I didn't have to spend a half hour alone with Wil while waiting for the boys.

I stopped outside of the bathroom and turned. My curiosity had gotten the best of me. "Uhhh, how was the magic show?"

Wil looked up from making the bed. "Great! You would have loved it. This guy was really good."

"Did Dirk and Kit like it too?" I asked shyly in a soft voice.

"Kit didn't show up for dinner or for the show. In fact, when we went to their room last night, he wasn't there. I hope Dirk found him."

"I'm sure he did." I was relieved. It sounded like Kit hadn't said anything to Wil. Dirk could be another story. I closed the bathroom door and took a long shower.

I wondered what happened to Kit after he left this room. In fact, I thought about many things as I stood under the shower, water spraying over me. All images had to do with Kit; how his skin felt, how he moaned and breathed, and what a passionate kisser he was. I'd bet he was a very passionate lover as well. He had to be at that age. He was young and energetic.

"I have to reign in my attraction to him. He's nineteen fucking years old. What was I thinking?" I whispered, the water on my lips sputtering off them. I rubbed my soaped hands carefully over my face and closed my eyes as I turned to the flow of water. I wished it could wash away my sins.
⩫⩫⩫⩫⩫⩫

Wil took my hand and we walked to the clothing store. He was pulling me along while I wanted to take my time and think of the things I could say when Dirk confronted me about kissing his boyfriend. I'd own up to it, of course, but I also had to keep Dirk calm and smooth things over with him. I'd explain to Wil what happened, apologize, and make it up to him.

"I swear Richard, if I wasn't dragging you along, we'd be at a standstill." Wil looked over his shoulder at me.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." I gave a chuckle and hurried to walk beside him.

"Did you have a good shower?" Wil looked at me with a crazy smile.

"Yes, why?"

"You took long enough. If you wanted sex, you only need to ask me. I don't want your hand to get worn out on our cruise." He chuckled.

I couldn't very well tell him I'd been thinking about Kit. "Next time." I said, and didn't feel bad about the lie. The boy with the light brown hair and big blue eyes wedged himself into my head again. His lips were wet and cushiony, two pillows of softness.

I forced him from my mind. Wil and I were in a committed relationship. I was not going to fuck this up for either one of us. I squeezed his hand as we strode into the airy atrium. Fresh coffee and the aroma of breakfast foods hit us.

"I could eat a horse." I rubbed my belly, sniffed the air, and looked around.

"You can have at me later." Wil laughed.

"What?"

"Don't you remember? You used to call me stallion."

Wil's arm wrapped around my shoulders and I replied, "Yes, about a gazillion years ago."

"There's Dirk."

"Where?" My eyes drifted around the busy atrium.

"At the shop where we got coffee yesterday, before we disembarked." He raised his hand and waved. Dirk saw us and waved back with a smile on his face.

"Hm," Wil sounded troubled as we neared the teen. "I don't see Kit with him. I wonder why."

Uh-oh. It was apparent Kit didn't want to be around me. My already sunburned face reddened even more. Never was I so grateful for a sunburn, it hid my embarrassment and shame.

We walked to Dirk, dodging people on the way, and stood before him.

"Buy you breakfast?" I asked him and took a quick glance at the menu hanging by the door. It was the least I could do for him. I don't know whether I was showing him I was a good guy or if I was trying to buy him off. Either way, it wouldn't take away my guilt.

"Sure." Dirk nodded, opened the door for Wil and me, and came with us to the register.

We ordered and took our coffees and croissants back into the atrium to follow the other passengers off the boat.

"Is Kit joining us later, or...?" Wil spoke with his mouth open while chewing. I rolled my eyes. That was another topic of complaint, but I could live with it. There are dirty habits worse than that.

"No." Dirk shook his head, hair flying in all directions. "He says he doesn't feel well." He stopped and turned to both of us. "Do you think he could still be mad about the video I posted?"

Wil shrugged. "He'll get over it. You took it down and promised not to do it again. I don't see why he'd still be angry."

"And you?"

"Me?" I asked, meeting his questioning eyes. "Oh, Uh, Hm. I'm sure he's sick. I mean if that's what he said it must be true, right?" Dammit! I was stammering and stuttering. I glanced at their faces. If these two were aware of my discomfort, they didn't say so.

"Yeah," Dirk sipped his coffee. "But he's been acting funny and not in the usual way if you get my meaning." He chuckled low.

"He probably needs a day of rest, that's all. I wouldn't worry." Wil took all the focus off me. I'd have thanked him, but he'd want to know what for.

"He doesn't know what he's missin'. I got two old, but cute, dudes escorting me around fucking Hawaii!" Dirk yelled out happily. A few passengers covered their children's ears a few seconds too late while some adults shot a disgusted look our way. I merely smiled. Those looks didn't bother me. I'd seen worse when I was younger.

Dirk didn't seem bitter about Kit staying on the ship and the three of us had a lot of fun once I let my guard down. I'd have to thank Kit for not saying a word to Dirk and Wil and apologize to him in the same sentence.

Ashore, men and women with single strand leis greeted us. The three of us ducked our heads and accepted the sweetly scented Tuberose and Dendrobium Orchid garland. Wil and I lifted it from our chests and held the flowers to our noses, inhaling its primal, tropical scent.

"Hey guys!" Dirk cried out. "I got laid!" He laughed loudly. "Get it? A lei, I got laid?" He looked back and forth at us before Wil and I chuckled, giving in to his humor.

⩫⩫⩫⩫⩫⩫

Dirk did seem a bit distracted though when we met him at the coffee shop the following morning to visit Maui. This was our last stop in Hawaii; the next three days consisted of cruising to Ensenada, Mexico and then heading home to Los Angeles, California.

Before either Wil or I could greet him with a jovial 'good morning', Dirk spoke up while he wrung his hands. "He's not coming." His eyes were as large as a puppy's when it wanted a scrap of meat. "What should I do, stay here with him or go with you?"

I put my hand on his shoulder to slow his speech down. "What did Kit say to you?"

"He told me to leave. Does that mean he's mad at me?"

"Not necessarily," Wil tossed in his two cents. "Did he tell you to leave to go to the island or did he tell you to leave and not come back."

"To leave the room because he wanted to be alone and that his head hurt. I even joked that I could take care of his head, but he didn't laugh, he didn't even look at me."

Naturally, my wondering wandered to what Dirk and Kit would do for the next three days in their room since Kit didn't want to be around him. Was he too riddled with guilt since it seemed he couldn't stand to be around Dirk? Or was he too afraid to face me? The longer I put this off, the worse off I'd be. Dirk and Kit deserved better on his vacation and so did Wil.

Our first stop in the taxi was the Maui Ocean Center, the top voted attraction showing the beauty of the underwater world. Next, we were off to the Maui Zipline Company located at the Maui Tropical Plantation. This was Dirk's idea. I told Wil to do the zipline with Dirk since it was a tandem ride, meaning side by side. Wil was more adventurous than I was and I know he wanted to do it by the look of wonderment in his eyes and the huge grin on his face.

Buried feelings of love for him were coming to the surface because of that smile, but they didn't bubble up fully. It was a start though.

After they got to the ground, Wil exhibited his exhilaration from the rush of near flying. He picked me up and swung me around, laughing and peppering my face with kisses. He seemed happier than I'd seen him in a long time.

We stopped for a late lunch at the Lahaina Grill and sat outside with the fresh breeze and warm sun on our faces. Wil and Dirk talked about ziplining and the way they felt more alive soaring through the sky. Dirk couldn't wait to tell Kit what he'd missed.

Dirk ate a baby spinach salad and drank water with lime. We told him lunch was on us, but his defense was that he had to keep his weight the same in order to model. Wil and I pigged out on sautéed mahi-mahi with herbed mashed potatoes, gorgonzola cheese, and pancetta and chardonnay beurre blanc sauce.

The last thing Wil and I had planned to do was snorkeling. Dirk was ecstatic. We undressed down to our underwear in the locker room at the marina. What Dirk wore wasn't what I'd consider underwear. It was merely a scrap of material covering his boy bits, held together by elastic bands across his ass—his verynicely shaped ass.

While Wil and I placed our clothing in our assigned lockers and Dirk sat on the bench between the rows of lockers to finish taking off his clothes.

I felt something soft land on my head, and looked up. It was one of Dirk's socks. The echoes of Dirk and Wil's rich laughs filled the locker room, that is until Dirk threw his other sock, hitting Wil in the face.

"Hey!" Wil pretended to be mad. "Do you know what happens to naughty children? Do you?"

"Yes. They get bent over and spanked on their bare asses." Dirk wore a grin as he stood up, turned and slapped his own ass. "Wanna try me?"

"I'll take a rain check." Wil laughed. I put the little brat's socks in his locker and shut the door. We struggled into our wetsuits and took our snorkel gear to the twin hull catamaran waiting for us next to the dock.

There were a total of sixteen of us on board and the captain was a friendly man, talking over the loudspeaker about what we'd encounter once we entered the 'beautiful world' in the ocean.

He took us three miles off the coast of Maui, to a tiny island called Molokai; formed from two distinct shield volcanoes. The captain explained how the marine life is abundant due to fishing restrictions. Once we were in the clear, cool water, we snorkeled and explored the coral in the crater area. We saw so many colorful fish and the endangered monk seals.

⩫⩫⩫⩫⩫⩫

It was early evening when we got back to the ship and boarded with our purchases. We'd stopped at several gift shops to find the right shirt, sandals, and other odds and ends for friends.

"Thanks for a great day!" Dirk was genuinely grateful.

"No problem. We had fun." I said and looked at Wil for confirmation.

Wil nodded with a grin. "My flying buddy," he joked and patted the teen on the back. "That was fan-fucking-tastic!"

Dirk beamed. "I know. I'm so glad I got to do that. It was a wild ride. I still feel as though I'm on drugs." He looked ahead. "I suppose I better see how grumpy ass is doing." A heavy sigh left his lungs and stilled the air around me.

Wil commented, massaging Dirk's shoulder to console him, "I hope he feels well soon. Seasickness isn't fun."

"He's just being a fucking baby." Dirk mentioned curtly, but his voice betrayed him. He was worried.

"Can I talk to you alone?" Dirk voiced.

I looked at Wil, then back at Dirk. "Me?" I pointed to myself.

"Yes you," Dirk acknowledged.

Wil took my bags and told me, "I'll meet you in our room." He wiggled his brows and winked. I knew he was thinking about sex again. I smiled in return and gave him a kiss on the lips. Dirk and I went to the deck to have a talk.

Sitting in lounge chairs and looking out at the ocean, I questioned, "Why do you want to talk to me?" Had Kit finally told him we made out and Dirk felt it was a good time to confront me?

"You seem to be more insightful."

"Hm." I didn't agree or disagree. Wil and I both had our strong suits.

"Last night I gave Kit the shirt I bought for him. All he said was an unappreciative 'thanks'. I didn't get a hug or a kiss or even an 'I missed you' from him."

He suddenly looked at me and I guiltily looked away, afraid my lies would be uncovered. He must have thought nothing of it because he continued.

"Why is he acting so weird? Have you had experience with this?" Dirk's voice changed. He was desperate.

"How is he acting weird?"

"He's just different... he's not as into me. He probably wants to throw me overboard."

"Has he yelled at you?"

"No. He's ambivalent to me. I can handle mad. At least that's an emotion that I can deal with and work with, but this—" He sighed.

I glanced at him. His head was down and he was shaking it. I scratched an itch on my cheek and played dumb. "Have you talked to him about it?"

"Yeah, he says he's fine, then he disengages." Another sigh came from Dirk.

"Take him on a date. For instance, to a movie or dancing. That might break him of this funk he's in." But would it?

"Nah, that's not good. We wouldn't be able to talk properly. In the movies you have to be quiet and you can't have a private conversation in the club with music blaring and a crowd around." Dirk ran his fingers in hair, frustrated.

Our eyes met, mine froze out of guilt. His were soft and muted, sad. "So you have no idea? I mean you seem closer to him than Wil is. Did he mention anything to you the last time you talked to him, anything at all?"

His voice implored, wanting me to share any scrap of information to give him a clue why his boyfriend was acting this way. I rubbed the back of my head.

"I-I..." I knew I couldn't lie, but I couldn't tell the truth either. "I don't know."

"Would you go talk to him and see what's going on? Please?" Dirk begged. He pulled on my arm, shaking it. "Please, Richard?"

"All right," I reluctantly agreed.

"Come right back and tell me what he says."

"Now?" My voice was high pitched and off. I tapped my fist against my lips lightly while I thought.

"Yes. I have to know. Ask him if I did something to make him angry or annoyed."

I was tense. In a tight nervous voice, I asked, "W-Where do you think he is?"

"Probably in our room. He told me he hadn't left except to eat." Dirk reached into his pocket. "Here. This is the key to get in, just in case he doesn't open the door."

He handed over the key/credit card. I turned him down. "I'm not going to break in. If he wants to be alone—"

"Please?" Dirk's hands took on the praying position. "He's not indifferent to you, he's fond of you. He doesn't like me so much anymore. Do this for me, please?"

Ashamed, I looked back into Dirk's trusting eyes. The poor kid appeared hopeless and looked at me as if I were his salvation. I complied with a reserved posture and kept my voice steady although it wanted to crack and I wanted to disappear.