If Only Until Morning

Not that I would ever take advantage of it, but sleep comes much easier after a night of drinking. Certainly I take precautions so waking up doesn't render me a vicious vampire, but that's only against headaches. There aren't any pills to protect against other people. If I created those, though, I'd be so rich.

"Good morning!" Alison shrilled in my ear, throwing open the curtain to my bunk. Ignoring my instinct to hit her in the face with something, I turned over, hearing multiple groans, none of which belonged to me. "Wakey, wakey!"

"Ali, it's too early f'r this shite!" Sean moaned, barely discernable, from a bunk across the aisle.

She took no notice of him and shook my shoulder rapidly, nails digging into my skin. "Penny!" she whined. "Come on!"

I decided that, since the guys would assume it was due to alcohol and not spite, I didn't have to pretend to be nice. I slapped her hand away and declared, quite clearly, "Go to hell, Reich."

Alison gasped-- Someone is well versed in faking orgasms, I thought wryly, snuggling into my blanket. "Did you hear what she just said to me?! She told me to go to hell!"

"Oui, je suis d'accord avec elle," a sleepy voice announced.

Silence fell over the bunkroom, except for my amused noise. Sometimes, when he was really tired or was concentrating on thinking, Jesse forgot how to speak English. And, while amusing, it sort of sucked for the rest of us, as none of us spoke enough French to understand him.

"Um... what?" Ali asked, utterly confused. Apparently she didn't speak French either.

"Je ne suis pas desole," he continued.

"Dude, English," Matt groaned, sitting with his head in his hands on the side of his bunk.

Ali, however, took this as an opportunity to further alienate me from the band and stick herself in the middle. "Jesse, you speak French?" she cooed. "That's so hot."

I sat up and pushed Alison away with my foot. "He said fuck off, he's trying to sleep," I made up translating and hopped down from my bunk.

Jesse sniffled and nestled into his pillow. "Assez bon."

I snickered, gathered up some clothes, and headed off to the shower. I hadn't noticed until just then, but Ali was already dressed and tarted up, meaning she'd gotten up even earlier-- just the idea of it made me yawn-- to shower, dowse herself in lotion and perfume, blow-dry her hair, and pack on her arsenal of makeup.

Ah, shit, that means a freezing shower.

Later, fully dressed and finished with futilely trying to make my hair do anything, I was leaning against Aromi's shoulder and thoughtlessly playing guitar. I stopped, realising exactly what I was playing, and played some Bob Dylan instead, hoping Aero wouldn't notice.

"What was that?" Jesse asked, freshly showered and fully capable of speaking in a language we all could understand. "I've never heard that before."

"Nothing special," I replied steadily.Definitely not a song you don't know I'm writing. To throw them off that line of thinking, I rolled to my feet and started playing "The Party Scene". And since Matt was an All Time Low fan, he joined in with vocals and inadvertently helped me distract everyone.

As the lot of us walked towards the booth for yet another day of finding some means to entertain ourselves, I strolled along, one hand fingering the ring in my pocket, and listened to the others talk. If given the option, I would much rather watch a conversation than participate therein; that way I could keep my thoughts to myself.

But I was pulled from my thoughts by a tug on my hand, and even without looking up I knew who it was. The shoes were a dead give-away. "Hey, Ryan," the guys greeted, Aero a little more tersely than the others.

"Morning, Ry," Alison cooed as he nodded in.

"Hey," he said unengaged before tugging at my hand again and watched as the guys continued walking, practically dragging Ali away, and gave us a decent berth. Even with the distance, Ryan continued softly, "You busy right now?"

I blinked, mildly caught off guard. "Sort of?" I replied unsurely, allowing my feet to stop. "We were gonna go set up the booth."

Ryan nodded, deliberation written across his face. "Okay, well, can I meet you after my set? We can go out somewhere for lunch." He looked at me, waiting for my response, an expression of something-- hope?-- in his eye.

I shot a quick glance towards the guys and Ali, and nodded jerkily. What is happening here? I wondered. Ryan's mouth quirked into a grin. "Great. I'll swing by the booth once I have a shower." Then after a glimpse for himself towards the band, he leaned forward to plant a slow kiss on my cheek.

With another smile, he turned and continued walking into the venue, waving at my group as he passed. I stared after him a moment before shaking myself and rejoining my friends. And Ali, who looked less than pleased. Which is a complete understatement.

"You're blushing," Jesse informed me lowly, sounding somewhat surprised.

I pressed the back of my hand to my cheek, finding that, yes, it was considerably warmer than my fingers. "So?" I challenged lightly after a moment and adjusted my hat.

"What did Ryan have to say?" Ali inquired with pointed interest.

Eyes fixed on the ground ahead of my feet, I smirked to myself. The notes of jealousy in her voice were painfully obvious; I don't know how the guys could ignore them. "Nothing important," I replied coolly.

"Just let her be," Matt chuckled, nudging her with his elbow. "She and Ross can have their little secret gossiping time about the rest of us."

And I knew Matt was just poking fun at me; I'm not so simple as to take it personally. But it got me thinking, and thinking got me worrying. Why did Ryan have a sudden change in attitude? What made him suddenly want to talk to me? And how did he so completely blow off Ali without missing a beat? And what was I doing agreeing to go to lunch with him? We weren't speaking to each other. I should still be mad at him, right?

...Right.

I pondered and agonised over every single scenario I could think of-- and believe me, there were a lot-- until I realised the flux of people passing by were all Panic fans. T-shirts and posters are always good indications of what band just finished. Then I feltexcitement apprehension seize my stomach and I began looking up and down for any sign of Ryan.

"Pst!"

I turned my head around to find the upper-half of Ryan's body sticking in under the tent. He waved me towards him, and I shot a glance at the others, none of whom had noticed. I cleared my throat. "Hey, I'm going for a walk," I announced, standing up and stretching. "I'll see you guys in a while."

"Want company?" Sean asked, not actually looking up from his reading.

"No, I'll be fine," I declined, worming my way around the table. "If I have problems, I'll call the nearest security guard."

"Or the nearest musician will save you," Jesse added with a laugh.

I stuck on a smile, though I wasn't exactly clear on what that meant. "Or that. Ciao!" I disappeared into the crowd and stealthily made my way around the back of the adjacent booth. Ryan wore a small smile as I walked up to him. "You could have just walked up to the front, you know."

"But where's the fun in that?" he asked as we both started walking. "Why boldly walk up to your booth and ask you to lunch when I could make you create an excuse as genius as 'I'm going out for a walk, I may be some time'?"

I arched an eyebrow at him. "If I didn't know that was an allusion to a reference made in a British science fiction comedy, I'd say you were being sarcastic."

Ryan smiled, amused, but said nothing. We passed through the back entrance to the venue and out onto the streets, neither opening their mouth, though that probably was to prevent the word-vomit from spewing out past their lips. I shoved my hands in my pockets again and frowned for a second when my fingers hit metal before I remembered the ring I'd left in my pocket.

I rolled it between my fingers, feeling the imperfections in the metal and the grooves of the pattern swirling through it. Ryan had sent it to me for my birthday, along with a note saying he wished he could deliver it in person, but the record was writing slowly. Remembering that made me smile sadly.What happened to us?

We walked in silence, looking at anything but each other, until Ry gestured at a restaurant inquisitively. I shrugged and followed him inside.

Verbal communication? I'll pass. Words are awkward.

We grabbed a booth by the window, conveniently advertising the restaurant with almost opaque paint, and sat across from each other, smiling and thanking the generic waitress who came to give us menus. All in all we seemed like two normal people coming out for lunch.

Only to me, there was tension beyond belief. I knew Ryan had something on his mind-- you don't completely ignore someone one day and then ask them out the next without a damn good reason-- and since I was of more than average intellect and perceptiveness, I knew it wasn't going to be a pleasant discussion.

I peered at him over the top of my menu: the words were definitely being read, but not processed. Suppressing a sigh, I folded my hands atop the laminated plastic. "To what do I owe this alarmingly unanticipated and deceptively pleasant meal?" I asked casually.

He smiled at the waitress, bringing us water, and told her we needed a few minutes to decide. I swallowed, grip tightening. Ryan turned back to me and laid his arms on the table. "There is a long list," he explained, "Of things both agreeable and objectionable. Preferences on which side I start?"

Eyes fixed on the tattoos decorating his wrists, I shook my head. God, but I wanted to run my fingers over them. "Alright, well, then I'll start with Pete."

"Pete has a big mouth," I observed, still transfixed.

"Though it's rather useful." The waitress came back to take our orders, and in a moment of my mouth moving faster than my mind, I ordered a cheeseburger and a milkshake. Ryan raised an eyebrow at me. "I heard you'd gone vegetarian on me."

I shrugged. "Just because the opportunity presented itself, but back to Wentz. I assume he told you exactly what I said?"

"More or less," Ryan replied, eyes falling on my hands laced neatly before me, so close to him and still miles away.

Feeling anxious, I leaned on one elbow and twisted the earrings in my right ear. Nervous habit. Not to mention it hid the ring I'd slid onto my ring finger. "It's... really not a big deal," I said meekly. "I'm better now."

"Not a big deal?" I inwardly cringed. I'd heard this before. In exactly the same outraged, disappointed tone of voice. "Angie, of course it's a big deal! This is your life we're talking about! And from what I know, it's not just a passing fancy! This is a problem, Angie, and it needs help." I dug my nails into the precious little part of my ear that wasn't pierced, unable to meet his gaze. Ryan sighed. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You know the reason, Ryan," I answered wearily. I hate deja vu. It makes me feel like I'm doomed to continue circling life without getting to the point.

Luckily, our food came soon and after politely smiling and thanking the waitress (like the good little liars we were), we ate in silence. My stomach ached, and not because this was my first meal of the day, as well as the first time I'd eaten meat in over a month. "What does she say about me?"

There goes my mouth again.

"She doesn't talk about you," Ryan said quietly, staring down at his plate. "She refuses to, in fact. Every time you come up in conversation, she changes the subject." Somehow that made me feel a little better, knowing she at least wasn't badmouthing me to him. "Does that make you happy, knowing that?"

I frowned at him, catching his eye for the first time since we left the venue. "Yes," I declared defiantly, chomping down on a pickle. "I am quite elated that Alison doesn't speak my name and spit, particularly when she's around you, as she most often is." I spurred myself on after a beat. "It bothers me, Ryan, that you and she spend more time together than we do."

"Well, how d'you think I feel about you and Shawn?" he retorted vehemently. "By the way, what were you doing in his hotel room last week?"

"Sleeping," I practically growled before calming myself and speaking more softly. "There were too many people in my room, and I couldn't stand not sleeping anymore. So I went looking for Hayley's room, but I got the wrong one, and she was sharing with Josh anyway. Shawn offered me his couch, a proposal I was glad to accept after four days of no sleep and emotional disturbance."

Ryan still looked prickly, which is nothing to say of his hair. His hair looked awfully soft, actually, and that it would be excellent to run my fingers through it. "That song hurt," he confessed shortly.

I smiled wryly. "I know it hurt. It was meant to." Maybe I'm not so strong in my convictions, since it improved my mood tenfold to see him smile at my inability to not reference music.Or it's love.

After another long pause, in which I clacked my ring idly against the table, Ryan spoke again, "Why do you spend so much time with him? Honestly."

And this was going to break his heart-- it certainly was mine. "I can't tell you."

Anger-- no, injustice... resentment-- sparkled in those bottomless brown eyes. "Why not?" he challenged.

I shook my head slowly, gazing at his hands again. "I just can't," I replied, unable to think of a better way to say it. "It's not just you, Ry; I haven't told anyone. And I won't. Until we're finished. Then everyone will know."

Christ, I was digging myself a hole I wouldn't be able to get out of. That statement, although truthful, would do absolutely nothing for Ryan thinking I was cheating on him. It had too many possible connotations, and most of them were far from innocent.

Ryan sat back against his side of the booth, looking out the window away from me. It made me feel worthless, just the image of him like that. Like he couldn't stand the sight of me. Like I wasn't good enough for him. My eyes itched and a lump welled up in my throat. Please, I begged, chewing my lip, Not here and now.

"I just miss you." He said it so quietly for a moment I thought I'd imagined it. I blinked the wetness from my eyes enough to see him clearly, speaking directionally to the world outside the window. "You're always just a stroll away, but you're even farther than when there was an ocean between us." Ryan's eyes flickered over to mine. "And I can't tell if you miss me too."