‹ Prequel: Pictures on Silence

If Only Until Morning

Chapter 30

Most people, when they're angry or upset or depressed, want other people around to make them to feel better or to yell at or hit. To be perfectly honest, I hate people, especially when they try to talk to me when I don't want them to. Unfortunately, on tour there was nothing but people, all of them incredibly sociable, so I had to get creative with finding a place to be alone.

I was lucky some of the bus drivers were great at parking really close together. It made it easy for me to hide in the shadows between two buses; it probably was going to kill me for claustrophobia, but hey, I'd take what I could get. With my back against the cool flat panel, I let my head roll back and took a few deep breaths. For some reason, I couldn't get Queen's "Dreamers Ball" out of my head; the lyrics certainly were apropos.

Calm down and relax. I can't relax, I just beat the shit out of someone. Let your parasympathetic nervous system bring down your blood pressure and adrenaline. Paying attention in class does not help here. Take stock of injuries and try to determine whether or not you have hepatitis or tetanus or Slut Rabies. I snorted, eyes shut. Even worse than Emo. Can you get STDs from scratches?

"Penelope!" I stiffened, eyes flying open. They couldn't have been looking for me already. I'd only been gone... half an hour. Okay, maybe going MIA around these guys for that long wasn't a great idea; I had to give them credit for minding the females on tour. I pulled my knees up to my chest and tried to be as invisible as possible, halfway tucked under the bus. Luckily we weren't leaving until the next day, so I ran no risk of getting run over.

"Come out, come out wherever you are, Princess!" I rolled my eyes, placing one hand over my mouth and nose to muffle my breathing. Figures William would skip a party to look for me. Boy needed to get his priorities checked. "I know you're around here somewhere, sweetheart. I've looked everywhere else."

Turning my head ever-so-slowly, I gazed at the gap, light bursting forth and barely missing my position. I could hear the scuff of his shoes drawing closer and hugged my knees tightly; I didn't want to play nice; I wanted to wallow in self-pity for a while longer. "C'mon, Princess, where are you?"

Bill's shadow passed the gap I was watching and I held my breath until he was gone. I strained to listen, but could only hear the rest of the tour being loud and rambunctious. Easing, I heaved a sigh. "God, I hate you sometimes, William," I whispered.

"Works for me," he said, appearing out of nowhere on the other side of the bus-alley. He tugged me up, but didn't try to remove me into the light. I probably looked like shit anyhow.

I knew he could see my expression though, because I could see his, so I glared. "Go away," I ordered tempestuously. "I'm angry and just exemplified what I do to people who exacerbate me when I'm angry."

Bill only grinned and pulled me towards open space by the hips. "That was an exceptional case, and a deserved one." I stopped, annoyed that he was so light-hearted, but he didn't try to pull me along. He let his arm fall around my waist and turned more serious. "You walked away from people who care about you. Naturally someone's going to follow."

"And you drew the short straw?" I squirmed, painfully aware of his hand. "Could you not touch me, by the way?"

My stomach flipped when he hauled me against him; it twisted when I looked up through my lashes to see him smiling at me. "No," he replied smartly.

For a moment I could only stare at him, my mind marching headlong into places marked up with miles of moral caution tape, detour signs, and flashing lights. I broke eye contact and let my hands light on his shoulders. “I could cause so much trouble right now,” I mumbled weakly.

Chuckling, William leaned his head down and pressed his lips against my cheek, letting them stay there for maybe three seconds too long. Needless to say, this did nothing for my demented sense of freedom in relation to what I’d just gone through.

“I don’t doubt it,” he said as I leaned my temple onto his chest. Bill gives really good hugs, I decided. “But sitting here in the dark and brooding about things won’t make them go away.”

Rolling my eyes I pressed him away from me. “Stop being right, smartass,” I directed. “I hate when people like you are right; you get all self-righteous and big-headed.”

Bill stopped laughing and gasped overdramatically. “You wound me, Princess! For that I’m kidnapping you and subjecting you to my intelligence.”

As he pulled me out I rolled my eyes again. “Anything but that,” I begged sarcastically. “I’ll go willingly.”

“Perfect,” he said with a grin. “Will you stay where we go?”

“I suppose if I attempt escape you’ll sick your lackeys on me.” I heaved a sigh.

“Yep, and you don’t even have your evil side-kick around this time. So lucky me.”

I looked at him sceptically. “She’d kill you if she heard you call her that.” I smirked and waved my phone at him. “And we have these lovely things called cell phones, darling.”

Bill snatched it out of my hand and held it high over his head when I tried to grab it back. “None of your sassiness, young lady,” he reprimanded, mere inches from my face again, completely failing at sounding parental.

Frowning, I stepped back and planted my hands on my hips. “Don’t you ‘young lady’ me, William Beckett,” I countered. “I could easily have you and your reputation decimated right now.”

Bill tucked my phone into his front pocket-- damn, he knew I wouldn’t be bold enough to search his pants-- and rolled his eyes. “Of course, Princess.” He put his arm around my waist and commenced our stroll again.

Although thoughts kept spinning in my head, I didn’t say anything, and Bill didn’t say anything, so I had no reason to. Mostly I just watched the ground pass under our feet. But after a few minutes of walking, I realised that we had just passed The Academy Is’ bus. “Where are we going?” I asked quietly, looking back at it.

“To a bus.”

I caught that smile before he smothered it. “Don’t get cute. Which bus?”

His grip tightened around my waist. “Panic!’s, of course.”

Well that explains that.

I dug my heels into the ground, adamantly against what he had planned, and buried my fingertips in his arm to make him let me to. Alas, it was to no avail. In an amazing show of unexpected strength, William threw me over his shoulder, teetered a moment, and strode off purposefully.

Recovering from that shock and smiting any compulsion to compliment him, I wriggled and slapped at him. “No! Put me down!” I demanded. “I refuse to be a part of your sick plan to make people happy!”

Bill stopped and, with one hand holding my legs down, slammed his free hand on the door of Panic!’s bus. “Get with the program, Ange. It’s what I do. Open up! I’ve got a delivery!”

I raised my torso and twisted around, still trying to escape. “If you know what’s good for you, you won’t open this door!” I called to whatever inhabitants lie inside the bus.

I returned to struggling, vaguely hearing what sounded like Brendon hesitating over opening the door; Bill threatened him with bodily harm-- “I’ve kicked Ryan’s ass, I’ll kick yours too”-- and unwittingly loosened his grip on me, allowing me to kick my legs free and slide down his back.

Of course, I use the word “slide” loosely. Meaning I really just plummeted to the ground and landed on my shoulder. But I’d had to deal with worrying about a dislocation later. Now was the time for sprinting.

I didn’t stop running, turning blindly and randomly, until my lungs felt like they were going to explode and my eardrums would burst from the blood pounding in my ears. I leaned against a wall, panting with my eyes shut, and tried to slow my heartbeat.

Then my adrenaline and endorphins stopped numbing the pain and my shoulder felt like it was going to rip out its socket. I bit my lip and clutched it with a whimper. “Ow,” I whispered tightly. “Fuck, Beckett, why do you have to be so far from the ground?”

Luckily the wall I’d propped myself up against was holding up the rest of a bathroom, so I lurched into the ladies’ room and squinted in the bright lights. Gingerly stripping off my shirt, and wincing as I lifted my arm, I examined the injury in question. My skin had already begun to turn a lovely shade of purplish-red, but when I poked around the area, I didn’t shriek in agony, so nothing was broken.

Taking a deep breath to brace myself, I rolled my shoulder until it emitted a loud crack and I cringed. After a second a wave of nausea hit me and I slapped a hand over my mouth, mentally running through as many profanities as I knew.

Maybe it helped, because soon both it and the pain subsided to a dull ache. With a sigh I reached into my pocket to find it empty and remembered that it was still tucked into William’s pocket. Well. He’d be getting some interesting phone calls tonight.

Tugging my shirt back on, I wandered out into the cool night. Only the yellowish amber light hanging over my head lighted the immediate area. Outside that circle almost everything lay black. Panic seeped up my chest as chills flooded down. I had no idea where I was. Alone. In the dark. In a very large, unfamiliar venue.

“I like you better without the shirt.”

I would never admit this to anyone who wasn’t there, but I shrieked at the top of my lungs. I couldn’t help it. It was instinct, despite what anyone who claims to know me would say.

When I whirled around, ready to defend myself against attackers, I found that it was only Alex, looking dazed with his hands clapped over his ears. “Alexander William Gaskarth, what the fuck is wrong with you?” I demanded, feeling my heart again trying to escape my ribcage.

“Fuuuck,” he groaned, rubbing his ear, hidden somewhere beneath his beanie and hair, “You’re fucking loud. I mean, I know you sing, but that’s ridiculous.” I slapped his arm, which distracted him from his ears. “Ow, shit! Why’d you hit me?!”

“What is wrong with you?!”

“Why did you hit me?” he repeated crossly.Ferris Bueller, anyone?

I crossed my arms. “I’m alone in the dark and you scared the shit out of me. Why do you think I hit you?”

Alex pulled a pout, which in itself was hilarious. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said apologetically. “I seriously thought you saw me.” I nodded and, after a moment, hit him again. “Ow, what was that for?”

“For the shirtless comment,” I replied with a smile.

“I like everyone better without a shirt,” he pointed out, stuffing his hands in his pockets and grinning.

I chuckled. “I’m sure you do.”

“So what are you doing out here?”

Counter attack! I yelled in my head, feeling uncomfortable with the change of topic. “I could ask you the same thing.”

“Angie,” Alex scolded gently.

I decided that I didn’t like being called out on my bullshit by Alex Gaskarth. But he expressed a genuine interest. “Running,” I sighed, eyes rolling around the area, or at least the parts I could see. “I just needed to get away.”

“From people in general or Ryan? Because I’m pretty sure he could outrun anything to chase his girlfriend.”

I blinked wide-eyed at him. “How did you...?”

“I’m not stupid, Pen,” he said scornfully. “Plus you weren’t exactly stealthy. You don’t get into a fistfight and break a chick’s nose for kissing a guy you’re not involved with. Which, by the way, was fucking awesome.”

Now I was immensely confused. Not only did I totally blow my cover for subtlety, but Gaskarth just complimented me on beating Ali up. “But...” I pressed a hand to my face. “But I thought... you and she...”

He shrugged. “Yeah, she’s a bitch,” he replied casually. “After you walked in on us, she just treated me like shit. She wasn’t that great anyway. I think she’s paying her way through college by doing porn. Moans like a slut.”

That had me in stitches, mostly because it made sense. “That’s terrible!” I laughed.

Alex grinned. “Yeah well.” He tilted his head at me as my laughter drifted off. “So how come you never told any of us? I totally would’ve backed off if I’d’a known--”

“I’ve got my reasons,” I muttered, cutting him off as I rubbed my arm. Something occurred to me, and it just brought me-- and my voice-- down more. “But I guess it doesn’t even matter anymore.”

“That’s not gonna cut it.” I looked up at him, bemused. Alex set himself in front of me. “None of this avoidance bullshit. The guys tell me all the time how you divert conversations and never answer important questions. But I’m not going to let you. You’re going to tell me.”

I couldn’t help smirking, but smothered it for a flat expression, leaving my comment unsaid.You’re really sexy when you’re serious. “No, I’m not,” I contested coolly, making to walk around him, “Because it’s really none of your business.”

Alex jerked me back by my upper arm. “Angie--”

Unfortunately my reflexes take over for my subconscious even when I don’t want them to, so I roughly smacked his hand away with a scowl and kept walking. Alex, however, was just as serious as I was. He grabbed my elbow and pushed me back against the wall by the shoulders.

“Chill the fuck out and talk to me!” he ordered.

“I don’t want to fucking talk to you!” I shot back, turning sideways to shove him off me. He flipped back onto the wall and I quickly stepped away, not wanting to touch him. Or rather, for him to touch me. Because God forbid I’d enjoy it.

Being pushed around by a chick does nothing for guys' pride when they’re already riled up and ticked off. It was made worse by the size of Alex’s ego and determination. Somehow managing to grab me again, he whirled me around and pinned me forcefully between the cold plaster of the small building and, well, himself.

“Well, I’m not letting you go until you do,” he hissed, breath drifting across my face.

I glared up at him, both because he was heavier and stronger than I was, leaving me incapable of escape, and because having him so close was constricting my chest. I tried to twist my shoulder to give myself a little more room, but he just pressed closer.

“Right now,” I managed to whisper, ignoring the voracious urge to close any remaining gap between us, “I can think of nothing better than to disappear completely forever.” My gaze flicked across his face, darting away from his mouth the moment it happened upon it. “And you’re not helping.”

Alex blinked calmly at me and said, quite seriously, “Then let me make it better.”

I could only stare at him wordlessly. I’m no idiot when it comes to words-- I’m a writer for gods’ sakes-- and the implications that went along with that request could have meant the world to me.

“After all,” he continued, hands sliding down my sides, “You’re a free woman, aren’t you? No ties to fret over anymore. No strings attached at all.” I felt like my head was floating away from my shoulders and I could only watch myself helplessly. “And if I read you right, and I have no doubt that I do,” he added, a smirk tinting his expression, “You want to take advantage of that. What do you say?”

If I ever made it out of this alive, I would have to kill him for doing this to me. On the one hand, Alex was an alright guy, albeit kind of a knucklehead, and I had to admit he had looks and charm going for him. And I had hormones, dammit!

But then again... I really felt no attraction to him. And wouldn’t I just be doing what had just been done to me? But there was an incredibly charismatic guy openly inviting me to slate pent up sexual frustration.

Unless it was a test. Unless Alex actually was as intelligent as his lyrics suggested and he was using this as a means to prove my true feelings, whatever those were. Unless he wanted me to actually hesitate and admit I was still completely in love with Ryan.

...Or maybe I was giving him too much credit for being altruistic.

I lifted an eyebrow, smile inching its way into my eyes. Alex looked expectantly at me, and the hope that went along with it made me flat out smirk. I delicately rested a hand on his chest, index finger lightly tracing his neck. “No,” I decided confidently.

His shock allowed me to push him away with only one hand and liberate myself from the wall. That landing did not help my shoulder. As I walked resolutely away, in a direction I hoped I saw lights, I didn’t hear Alex move for a good twenty paces before he ran to catch up with me.

“But!” he protested, confused. “But--! You just--!”

“In another time, in another place, in another situation, Alex,” I said calmly, smiling slightly, “You and I might’ve had something. However, I’m not a girl to do one-night stands. I’m too much of a romantic.” I winked. “But thanks for making me realise the truth about my state of affairs.”

Alex gaped at me. “...But you just broke up with your boyfriend!” he asserted, voice jumping an octave in the middle. “You’re on the rebound! You should’ve been all over that offer!”

I shrugged lightly. “Should’a, could’a, would’a.” Luckily I was correct in imagining I saw lights and came across the parking lot in which all the buses were parked. “Do you have any of TAI’s numbers in your phone?”

He handed me his Sidekick, protesting and arguing even though I was paying him no mind. I reached Sisky, who informed me that Beckett had put my phone back in my bus. I really needed to remember for the next tour never to give anyone the pass code for the door.

I handed the phone back to Alex, who still hadn’t given up, and strode towards the bus. “Don’t worry yourself, man,” I advised, leaving him gaping behind. “You’re still on the list of guys I find attractive, and it’s a hard list onto which to get.”

“...Tease!” he shouted after me, having exhausted all other resolutions. I shook my head to myself. He’d get over it. Hopefully.

Swinging into the bus quietly, I saw my cell phone on the table with a note clamped inside it. We’re not done talking, it read. Well. Someone’s good at being ominous.

The clock only read midnight, though everyone seemed to be asleep when I crept through the bunkroom. I sat on the couch, still wide awake, and gazed out the window blankly for a few minutes. I needed advise, and no one around here was going to give me much of anything useful. I flipped my phone open and stretched out on my back as I scrolled through my list of contacts; I pulled out the tie keeping my hair twisted up as it rang.

The line clicked open and a voice I hadn’t heard in what seemed like ages greeted me. “Hey, Mom,” I said softly.