‹ Prequel: Pictures on Silence

If Only Until Morning

Chapter 35

The definition of a lucid dream, according to dictionary.com, is “a dream state in which one is conscious enough to recognize that one is in the dream state and which stays in one's memory.” I have a lot of lucid dreams, though never with a hangover. That was the worst part about waking up, that I already had a headache even though I was still sleeping and I knew as soon as I opened my eyes I’d regret it.

Which I did.

But I couldn’t voice my frustration and pain verbally since Ryan and I were tangled together in the sheets and anything louder than a whimper would probably wake him. So I settled for that and a wince.

Thinking hurt, but I tried my best to ignore it as I tried to piece together what I could of the night before. After I did shots with Jack, everything sort of faded in and out, and unfortunately my most sober moments were some of the worst.

I looked at Ryan and felt like crying; he was everything I wanted and nothing I deserved. I gently stroked his cheek, revelling in the feeling of his skin. I had to tell him when he woke up; I might just kill myself if I didn’t. But how to do it? What to say?

As I tried to formulate some speech that would break the news easily, Ryan jerked and opened his eyes, only to blink heavily and rub his eye. He stared at me for a long moment. “How’s your head?” he asked kindly.

I shrugged a shoulder slightly. “Hurts,” I mumbled weakly. Ryan stretched his neck and kissed my forehead before settling back into the pillow. He was making this harder. “You started. Nightmare?”

“Nope.” A heart-wrenching smile crossed his face. “A great dream. But then again, maybe it was just a memory.” I raised an eyebrow curiously. “So in my dream, I met this beautiful girl...” I couldn’t help rolling my eyes, and Ryan just pecked me on the lips. “And she’s more than I could ever wish for.”

“You’re too much,” I murmured, unable to not smile.

Ryan chuckled, wrapping his arms around me. “I wasn’t finished,” he chided, smiling. “So I met this girl... and I made some really stupid mistakes. But she’s given me another chance. And I think it’s the best dream I’ve ever had.”

I smiled weakly and rested my head against his shoulder. Ryan seemed so happy-- something not usual for him in the morning-- and it killed me to ruin to his mood, but I couldn’t keep it from him any longer. The guilt was killing me. “I had an interest dream.”

“Oh yeah? Care to share?”

“…If you like.” I took a deep breath. “So I’m friends with this big shot in the business who, along with some other guys we know, owns this club in New York, and he decided to allow us underage folk to party up for a night. And since I’m not having such a great night, I decide to hit up some of my legal friends for drinks.”

“A fair enough thing to do,” Ryan acceded.

I shifted anxiously. “So this friend of mine wants me to guest DJ-- why I don’t know-- and at the beginning of the night he made me this deal, on which after a few drinks… I was willing to take him up.”

“What sort of deal?”

I lowered my eyes to Ryan’s clavicle and chewed my lower lip. “The kind where he buys me a drink even though I’m far underage and he’s morally opposed to it.”

Silence hovered awkwardly around us. “For what price?” he asked quietly.

I licked my lips, squeezing my eyes shut momentarily. “For a kiss. A real kiss.” After a long moment, I glanced up; Ryan merely looked at me scrutinisingly and I had to look away. “I’m really sorry, Ry,” I whispered. “Not that it means anything.”

Ryan didn’t move or speak for a long time. I was almost in tears when he tilted my chin up and kissed me soundly. “You forgave me, Rhi,” he murmured, “And I can do the same.”

I blinked wide eyes at him, leaning back to focus on him. “But...” But what? the little voice in my head asked. He’s forgiving you, you moron! “But it wasn’t even your fault! She sprung it on you, and I... I just went along with it!”

“My betrayal was deeper. I hurt you in ways I don’t want to understand.”

He was taking this far too well, and that confused me far more than anything by which I’d ever been confused. I stared, uncertain that I was hearing his nonchalance correctly. “But…” I shook my head. “It was Pete.”

“And Pete should know better than to take advantage of pretty girls when they’re drunk,” Ryan reasoned, pushing some hair away from my face.

But I sat up, still confused, and held my face in my hands, staring down at the covers between my fingers. “I… don’t get it.”

Chuckling, Ryan sat up and pulled my hands away from my face. “I love you, Angie, and shit happens. I’m not going to lose you because of that.” I blinked at him for a while before tilting my head with a tiny smile. He raised an eyebrow curiously. “What?”

I cracked a smiled, shaking my head. “I can’t believe you’re not disgusted. I could barely stand being in my skin.”

“Sweetheart, I may be scrawny, but I’ll be hitting Pete the next time I see him.” I laughed honestly for the first time since the afternoon before and pulled him into a kiss. I could admit it; I was in completely and unapologetically in love.

After a moment, Ryan hopped out of bed and pulled at my hands. “C’mon. Let’s have a shower.”

I grinned and tossed back the covers. “Thought you would never ask,” I said coyly.

He smiled, walking backwards with his hands on my hips. “That doesn’t like the enthusiastic yes I’m used to hearing.”

I tapped my lips with a finger, pausing to ponder. “Well, I suppose I could always go see what Pete or Matt is up to…”

“Angie,” Ryan warned, eyes flashing.

Grinning I stuck my tongue out between my teeth. “I jest. You’re a much better kisser than either of them.” I strolled around him towards the bathroom.

“I cer…” He trailed off, stopping. “Matt?” Ryan repeated.

I froze and slowly turned. “Did I say Matt?” He nodded, expression unreadable. “Oh.” Awkward. Maybe I should’ve mentioned that he wasn’t actually my first for everything.

Ryan pulled my hand. “Shower. Come on.” Apparently he was ignoring it, but I still felt the need to elaborate.

“It was before you and I started going out.”

He grinned and tugged me to him. “I bet I can make you forget all about them.” Attaching our mouths, Ryan pulled me into the bathroom and kicked the door shut.
♠ ♠ ♠
Tada! The end.

Doesn't feel like it, so they're will probably be an epilogue, even though I sort of hate those, but whatever.

Peace and love.