Sequel: Fallen Embers ›
The Fire
You Are My Sunshine...
Tre watched his wife take the guitar and hang it back up on the wall. She just stood there for a moment and was looking out the nearby window to the pond that was by the house. She absentmindedly was rubbing her thigh where her son's name was tattooed. He could see her staring at a willow tree that was planted near the pond. He glanced back at her when she started to speak again.
"I lost Matthew in September ironically enough. When I first heard 'Wake Me Up When September Ends' I got crying so hard that I had to pull over to the side of the road. When he was born, I knew that he wasn't going to live long. I knew it. I was pretty well out of it from my c-section and the drugs they were giving me, but I knew it. When I finally was able to see him, he looked so tiny and helpless. You could barely see any skin; there was wires and tubing everywhere. The doctors told me that he was not going to survive and would I sign a DNR order for him. I remember signing that piece of paper that would take my son off life support and die peacefully like it happened yesterday." Tears ran done the woman's face as she continued.
"They brought over a rocking chair next to his incubator and I sat there and watched them remove all the tubes and monitors, until just the breathing tube was left. They placed him in my arms so I could hold him while they removed the last tube that was keeping him alive. I remember cradling him in my arms for a few minutes. I told him that he didn't have to fight anymore, that he could go to heaven where his grandma and grandpa were waiting to take care of him. I told him that I loved him so much, and that even though his daddy wasn't there that he loved him too. As the doctors removed the breathing tube I started to sing a song that my mother sang to me when I was a child.
You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
By the time I was done singing the song, Matthew had passed away peacefully in my arms."
Sabrina placed her palm on the window as she spoke. "I took a week off and came home with his cremated remains. I buried him by the pond with everyone else. I choose a weeping willow tree for him, for the fact that he didn't have the life that he should have had. I hate myself because know I can't remember what he looked like without pulling out a picture. I remember the weight of him in my arms, how it felt to hold him, but not what he looked like."
Sabrina hung her head. "I finally went back to my fiancee and within a week, he and I split up. He left a fucking note on the table saying we were over, and to leave the ring on the table. He was leaving to go to another area to wrestle. He devesated me, but he didn't know about Matthew at that time. I came home to the farm and literally just spent a month in my bedroom, I never came out at all. I didn't shower or take care of myself or anything. When I finally left the room, I had a plan and went out to the barn office to carry it out."
"Around 1am I went out to the stallion barn and unlocked the office door. I went over to the medical cabinet and took out some horse tranquilzer and a synringe. I sat at the desk and filled the needle with enough tranq to kill a small pony. I sat the needle down and did the hardest thing I had even done. I tried to convince myself to die. At 8am, Chris found me in the same spot, and just took me right over to a in-patient hosptial and where I got help. I got hooked up with Kevin, who I see still to this day. I got on meds and got straightened out. I found out that I had Post Tramtic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, Depression and borderline personality disorder. I got on meds and it really helped."
The woman sighed and ran her hands through her hair. "The only problem was that I couldn't write anything. I didn't dare because it took all of my control to keep it together and I knew if I tried to write a song, that I would lose it again. I was so scared. After about 5 months of therapy, I finally felt safe enough to try to write. I took my guitar and went downtown to the pier on the lake. I sat there and let nature soothe me and I opened my heart and wrote 'Live to Tell'."
Sabrina finished her story and stood there with tears streaming down her face. She turned to look at Tre who also was crying. Without a word he walked over to her and brought her into the safety of his arms. Once again Sabrina felt like she belonged and she welcomed that feeling. She closed her eyes and leaned into her husband and cried.
"I lost Matthew in September ironically enough. When I first heard 'Wake Me Up When September Ends' I got crying so hard that I had to pull over to the side of the road. When he was born, I knew that he wasn't going to live long. I knew it. I was pretty well out of it from my c-section and the drugs they were giving me, but I knew it. When I finally was able to see him, he looked so tiny and helpless. You could barely see any skin; there was wires and tubing everywhere. The doctors told me that he was not going to survive and would I sign a DNR order for him. I remember signing that piece of paper that would take my son off life support and die peacefully like it happened yesterday." Tears ran done the woman's face as she continued.
"They brought over a rocking chair next to his incubator and I sat there and watched them remove all the tubes and monitors, until just the breathing tube was left. They placed him in my arms so I could hold him while they removed the last tube that was keeping him alive. I remember cradling him in my arms for a few minutes. I told him that he didn't have to fight anymore, that he could go to heaven where his grandma and grandpa were waiting to take care of him. I told him that I loved him so much, and that even though his daddy wasn't there that he loved him too. As the doctors removed the breathing tube I started to sing a song that my mother sang to me when I was a child.
You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
By the time I was done singing the song, Matthew had passed away peacefully in my arms."
Sabrina placed her palm on the window as she spoke. "I took a week off and came home with his cremated remains. I buried him by the pond with everyone else. I choose a weeping willow tree for him, for the fact that he didn't have the life that he should have had. I hate myself because know I can't remember what he looked like without pulling out a picture. I remember the weight of him in my arms, how it felt to hold him, but not what he looked like."
Sabrina hung her head. "I finally went back to my fiancee and within a week, he and I split up. He left a fucking note on the table saying we were over, and to leave the ring on the table. He was leaving to go to another area to wrestle. He devesated me, but he didn't know about Matthew at that time. I came home to the farm and literally just spent a month in my bedroom, I never came out at all. I didn't shower or take care of myself or anything. When I finally left the room, I had a plan and went out to the barn office to carry it out."
"Around 1am I went out to the stallion barn and unlocked the office door. I went over to the medical cabinet and took out some horse tranquilzer and a synringe. I sat at the desk and filled the needle with enough tranq to kill a small pony. I sat the needle down and did the hardest thing I had even done. I tried to convince myself to die. At 8am, Chris found me in the same spot, and just took me right over to a in-patient hosptial and where I got help. I got hooked up with Kevin, who I see still to this day. I got on meds and got straightened out. I found out that I had Post Tramtic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, Depression and borderline personality disorder. I got on meds and it really helped."
The woman sighed and ran her hands through her hair. "The only problem was that I couldn't write anything. I didn't dare because it took all of my control to keep it together and I knew if I tried to write a song, that I would lose it again. I was so scared. After about 5 months of therapy, I finally felt safe enough to try to write. I took my guitar and went downtown to the pier on the lake. I sat there and let nature soothe me and I opened my heart and wrote 'Live to Tell'."
Sabrina finished her story and stood there with tears streaming down her face. She turned to look at Tre who also was crying. Without a word he walked over to her and brought her into the safety of his arms. Once again Sabrina felt like she belonged and she welcomed that feeling. She closed her eyes and leaned into her husband and cried.