Why to Be Afraid of Tomorrow
Part 13
1 month. Already 1 month since I got my last dose. So, I can say I’m clean. No shits, no injections, no slut on the street and no dirtily earned money. I’m proud of myself. I made the grade … almost. David aides and supports me. He gave me power.
I lied on the bed and thought. After a while I took a little sheet of paper and started writing: Dear Heroin, you made me believe that you were my last solution to overcome my dad’s insults and my mommy’s forever leaving. Now I didn’t know who you turned me into, but you made it impossible to get through days without you. It was a struggle, but a worth while fight because now I am in control and you are out of my life. Being clear turned me into the person I’ve always wanted to be. I smiled weakly before I wrote the last word.
I rolled over in bed. Again … again … again. I looked at my phone on my bedside table. I pressed the button and looked at time – 3:22 a.m. Oh my god. I ran my finger across the screen phone and tried to touch David who was on the picture. Suddenly I grabbed my head. I felt a strong twinge.
The pain’s continuing. 30 minutes and the pain is persisting. What should I do? I’m going to the bathroom and opening a little chiffonier next to a washstand. I’m grabbing one tinny box of medicaments and putting the tablet on headache into my palm. I’m turning the tap, heeling over and drinking down the tablet. I’m leaning against the washstand. My hands are trembling. I’m looking to the mirror. I ran my hand over my sunken face. “Who am I? I’m out of those shits or not? I eat or not? Why do I look like that? All these problems should be gone or not?” I’m cold. The pain of my head is unbearable. “Oh god, why?! Why is not the end?! Why?” I screamed and slid down on the floor. I can’t stop my hands from shaking. I’m looking at them while a tear ran down my cheek. “SHIT!” I exclaimed and bumped my head into the wall several times. I’m burying my head between my legs and wrapping myself with my arms. “What is it…?” I asked silently.
********
One day has passed since I was so damn sick. I hope this day will be better.
I’m coming in front of the school where David’s waiting for me. “Hello, honey,” He greeted me while wrapping his arms around my neck before he kissed me. “Hi, Davie,” I said weakly and tiredly.
“What’s going on? You look exhausted. Energy doesn't emit out of you.” He said while looking at me fishily, still holding his intertwined hands around my neck. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I thought it was already ok, but …” “What happened sweetheart?” David asked discomposedly.
“Yesterday was the worst day ever. I think it was much worse feeling than before when I was on heroin.” “What does it mean?” “Hmm, just, I had a strong pain in my head and when I checked my weight I found out that… I lost weight by 22 pounds now…” David looked at me confused. “What? Are you kidding me? I thought you’re out of it, or you’re not?” David stood in front of me and put his hands into his pockets, winter caused it. “I’m, Davie. I didn’t take a dose for one month and a few days. I promise.” I said firmly and persuasively. “I believe you, hon, but I’m afraid. It’s not normal to lose 22 pounds in a month. Don’t you wanna go to see the doctor?” David made an offer and looked into my eyes sadly. “No, no. That’s ok. I won’t go to the doctor with a stupid headache.” I decided and looked to the side. “Hmm, but promise if anything happened you would go to the doctor, okay?” “Sure, I promise.” I said and we exchanged smiles.
Okay, so this day I barely stood. Insistent headache and nausea. I don’t know what happened that I felt that bad.
By the way when my father came home … you may know what happened. He wasn’t sober as I expected. So, to make matters worse, he beat me up again.
My headache didn’t abdicate for the whole week. I can say it’s worse and worse. Actually I found out I had a fever.
I lied on the bed and thought. After a while I took a little sheet of paper and started writing: Dear Heroin, you made me believe that you were my last solution to overcome my dad’s insults and my mommy’s forever leaving. Now I didn’t know who you turned me into, but you made it impossible to get through days without you. It was a struggle, but a worth while fight because now I am in control and you are out of my life. Being clear turned me into the person I’ve always wanted to be. I smiled weakly before I wrote the last word.
I rolled over in bed. Again … again … again. I looked at my phone on my bedside table. I pressed the button and looked at time – 3:22 a.m. Oh my god. I ran my finger across the screen phone and tried to touch David who was on the picture. Suddenly I grabbed my head. I felt a strong twinge.
The pain’s continuing. 30 minutes and the pain is persisting. What should I do? I’m going to the bathroom and opening a little chiffonier next to a washstand. I’m grabbing one tinny box of medicaments and putting the tablet on headache into my palm. I’m turning the tap, heeling over and drinking down the tablet. I’m leaning against the washstand. My hands are trembling. I’m looking to the mirror. I ran my hand over my sunken face. “Who am I? I’m out of those shits or not? I eat or not? Why do I look like that? All these problems should be gone or not?” I’m cold. The pain of my head is unbearable. “Oh god, why?! Why is not the end?! Why?” I screamed and slid down on the floor. I can’t stop my hands from shaking. I’m looking at them while a tear ran down my cheek. “SHIT!” I exclaimed and bumped my head into the wall several times. I’m burying my head between my legs and wrapping myself with my arms. “What is it…?” I asked silently.
********
One day has passed since I was so damn sick. I hope this day will be better.
I’m coming in front of the school where David’s waiting for me. “Hello, honey,” He greeted me while wrapping his arms around my neck before he kissed me. “Hi, Davie,” I said weakly and tiredly.
“What’s going on? You look exhausted. Energy doesn't emit out of you.” He said while looking at me fishily, still holding his intertwined hands around my neck. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I thought it was already ok, but …” “What happened sweetheart?” David asked discomposedly.
“Yesterday was the worst day ever. I think it was much worse feeling than before when I was on heroin.” “What does it mean?” “Hmm, just, I had a strong pain in my head and when I checked my weight I found out that… I lost weight by 22 pounds now…” David looked at me confused. “What? Are you kidding me? I thought you’re out of it, or you’re not?” David stood in front of me and put his hands into his pockets, winter caused it. “I’m, Davie. I didn’t take a dose for one month and a few days. I promise.” I said firmly and persuasively. “I believe you, hon, but I’m afraid. It’s not normal to lose 22 pounds in a month. Don’t you wanna go to see the doctor?” David made an offer and looked into my eyes sadly. “No, no. That’s ok. I won’t go to the doctor with a stupid headache.” I decided and looked to the side. “Hmm, but promise if anything happened you would go to the doctor, okay?” “Sure, I promise.” I said and we exchanged smiles.
Okay, so this day I barely stood. Insistent headache and nausea. I don’t know what happened that I felt that bad.
By the way when my father came home … you may know what happened. He wasn’t sober as I expected. So, to make matters worse, he beat me up again.
My headache didn’t abdicate for the whole week. I can say it’s worse and worse. Actually I found out I had a fever.