Why to Be Afraid of Tomorrow
Part 15
I’m sitting in the waiting room. There are some strange people next to me. I have mixed feelings. I’m afraid of coming in to the doctor’s. I could never shake hands with a doctor because they only bring sadness and suffering to our family. Everybody is staring at me. I hate those looks. I’m rather looking into space.
“Next one, please.” I responded to the sentence of the sister with standing up. “Good morning,” I greeted and stood in front of her. “Do you have an appointment?” “No, it’s urgent.” I said firmly and looked to the side for a while. She hesitated before she let me go on.
“Good morning, Mr. What’s the problem?” The doctor asked and urged me to sit down. “Good morning, I’ve been having headaches and … I’ve been sweating a lot. And, yesterday I collapsed at school.” The doctor stood up and went closer to me. “Stand up and open your mouth.” I did and swallowed thickly. I’m much nervous. “Oh, I see whitish mucous membrane, that’s not good. How long have you been feeling like this?” He asked and went for an ‘instrument’. “I don’t know, for uh,… maybe for one week.” I lied. It’s happening for almost 2 weeks. “When you came here I noticed the bulge on your neck. Does it hurt when I press here?” He came close to me again and pressed. It was unimaginable pain. “Ouch.” I said and pulled away. “Ok, could you roll up your sleeve?” I sat on the hospital chair and rolled up the right sleeve him to not notice my scars from injections. He measured my blood pressure. “Umm, your blood pressure’s rather high. We need to take your blood sample.” It was his last sentence before he sent me to other doctor.
There I was so damn afraid of that they will identify some bad effects in my blood from the drugs. My heart was beating so fast.
Now, I’m sitting in the waiting room and waiting for the results. I’m afraid. Most of all, I would now like to run away. The waiting is interminable. I look at the clock after hours but when I see that, only minute passed.
The waiting was more agonizing when the doctor came out of the surgery and told me that they need to send my results to the laboratory.
“Come on in,” the loud voice of the doctor interrupted my deep thoughts. I stoop up, swallowed thickly and came in. I hated the white environment. Only four white walls and nothing more. “Take a seat,” I did. When I looked into his eyes he didn’t look much happy. In that moment I was really scared. “Okay, here are the results of your blood sample.” He said while exploring these, for me still non meaning, papers. “Okay, and what outcome did you come to?” I asked somewhat calmly despite the fact that deep inside I was SO damn afraid. “Well, I sent your results to the laboratory and they said that…” He hesitated but I couldn’t stand it. “So talk on.” I said firmly. “We concluded that you are HIV positive.” I felt like I didn't hear anything. I hoped that was a bad dream. It wasn’t. “Wha-at?” I stuttered in astonishment. “I feel sorry for you.” The doctor said. My eyes filled with tears. I’m standing up. “Mr. Bouvier, sit down.” The doctor urged but I didn’t notice and went out of the surgery, still confused and out of sorts.
Now I sat for hours in the waiting room and I couldn't recuperate. With regard to the way home, I remember nothing. It happened because of being slut, I thought. Just, I paid the highest tax because of my stupidity.
When I was diagnosed with HIV, I felt stressed and I still do. There is a lot to think about. Questions like these are going through my mind: How will I get the health care I need? How will having HIV impact my life? How will David, Danny and even my dad react?
One challenge I will face is deciding who to tell about my HIV. It may be hard to know if telling certain people will bring good or bad outcomes. I’m afraid that David would leave me or that I will face discrimination. I worry about being judged. But most importantly I feel guilty about past drug use and sexual behavior.
You know, when a person learns that he has a serious disease, his life changes. But when he finds out he has HIV disease, he knows life ends with that. Multifarious future suddenly falls apart and life will be narrowed down to the prescribed limits. There is nothing. There are just me and my disease.
“Next one, please.” I responded to the sentence of the sister with standing up. “Good morning,” I greeted and stood in front of her. “Do you have an appointment?” “No, it’s urgent.” I said firmly and looked to the side for a while. She hesitated before she let me go on.
“Good morning, Mr. What’s the problem?” The doctor asked and urged me to sit down. “Good morning, I’ve been having headaches and … I’ve been sweating a lot. And, yesterday I collapsed at school.” The doctor stood up and went closer to me. “Stand up and open your mouth.” I did and swallowed thickly. I’m much nervous. “Oh, I see whitish mucous membrane, that’s not good. How long have you been feeling like this?” He asked and went for an ‘instrument’. “I don’t know, for uh,… maybe for one week.” I lied. It’s happening for almost 2 weeks. “When you came here I noticed the bulge on your neck. Does it hurt when I press here?” He came close to me again and pressed. It was unimaginable pain. “Ouch.” I said and pulled away. “Ok, could you roll up your sleeve?” I sat on the hospital chair and rolled up the right sleeve him to not notice my scars from injections. He measured my blood pressure. “Umm, your blood pressure’s rather high. We need to take your blood sample.” It was his last sentence before he sent me to other doctor.
There I was so damn afraid of that they will identify some bad effects in my blood from the drugs. My heart was beating so fast.
Now, I’m sitting in the waiting room and waiting for the results. I’m afraid. Most of all, I would now like to run away. The waiting is interminable. I look at the clock after hours but when I see that, only minute passed.
The waiting was more agonizing when the doctor came out of the surgery and told me that they need to send my results to the laboratory.
“Come on in,” the loud voice of the doctor interrupted my deep thoughts. I stoop up, swallowed thickly and came in. I hated the white environment. Only four white walls and nothing more. “Take a seat,” I did. When I looked into his eyes he didn’t look much happy. In that moment I was really scared. “Okay, here are the results of your blood sample.” He said while exploring these, for me still non meaning, papers. “Okay, and what outcome did you come to?” I asked somewhat calmly despite the fact that deep inside I was SO damn afraid. “Well, I sent your results to the laboratory and they said that…” He hesitated but I couldn’t stand it. “So talk on.” I said firmly. “We concluded that you are HIV positive.” I felt like I didn't hear anything. I hoped that was a bad dream. It wasn’t. “Wha-at?” I stuttered in astonishment. “I feel sorry for you.” The doctor said. My eyes filled with tears. I’m standing up. “Mr. Bouvier, sit down.” The doctor urged but I didn’t notice and went out of the surgery, still confused and out of sorts.
Now I sat for hours in the waiting room and I couldn't recuperate. With regard to the way home, I remember nothing. It happened because of being slut, I thought. Just, I paid the highest tax because of my stupidity.
When I was diagnosed with HIV, I felt stressed and I still do. There is a lot to think about. Questions like these are going through my mind: How will I get the health care I need? How will having HIV impact my life? How will David, Danny and even my dad react?
One challenge I will face is deciding who to tell about my HIV. It may be hard to know if telling certain people will bring good or bad outcomes. I’m afraid that David would leave me or that I will face discrimination. I worry about being judged. But most importantly I feel guilty about past drug use and sexual behavior.
You know, when a person learns that he has a serious disease, his life changes. But when he finds out he has HIV disease, he knows life ends with that. Multifarious future suddenly falls apart and life will be narrowed down to the prescribed limits. There is nothing. There are just me and my disease.