Why to Be Afraid of Tomorrow
Part 17
It's been two weeks since I told David that I live with an incurable disease. I thought it’s gonna be better when I have a soul mate but … would any pills help me? I don’t think so. It’s an excruciating and overpowering feeling.
I wasn’t at school past 4 days because of my condition. I spent those days in the bed with a bucket next to me just in case I'd need to throw up. I know I have to face the facts and start taking better care of myself but how? It’s impossible. I don’t wanna see the doctors anymore and listen to their stupid theories and reasoning just, I don’t need it.
My condition is worse and worse. Just, I feel sad, anxious and hopeless. I’m sleeping less than usual. I’m so damn cold. I’m still losing weight. And do you know what is the worst? I’m still thinking about death and giving up.
David rang me out. Everytime he rings me out I know he’s gonna come to me. I’m hearing a few sounds of knocking on my door. “Come in.” I said in low and weak voice before I cleared my throat. “Hello, honey,” David greeted, still standing in the doorway. “Hi,” I coughed again. “Sweetheart, I’m not here alone. There’s a… psychologist behind the door.” I breathed out quickly and peevishly. “David, I told you I don’t need a psychologist.” I said a bit louder before David approached and sat next to me. “Honey, it's only about talking. Please, maybe you will be better,” he explained. I was fed up. “Sure,” I responded. “Please, try it,” he said before kissing me. “Stupid psychologist.”
“Okay, can we start with a short interview?” He asked and sat in front of me. “Sure,” I answered upset.
“So, do you think that you are dying?”
“I have such feelings.”
“Can you describe them?”
“Soul would like to, but my body can't cope with it already.” It’s strange, he’s still writing my answers.
“What is your health now?”
“Very bad. I lost weight by 22 pounds. My livers are fucked, low blood pressure and rapid pulse. I’ve got chills and fever.”
“Did your doctor say to you how much life you have left?”
“No one told me. No doctor will tell you frankly – Mr. Bouvier, you'll die in six months. “
“It seems you still have enough energy.”
“Because you’re pissing me off!” I answered aloud.
“I expected you will be honest when your sibling called me to come here.”
“Do you know that this kind of questions can destroy a person?” I’m so mad at him. He pisses me off.
“Is something you are afraid of?”
“Human stupidity.”
“Have you ever met with human stupidity?”
“Yes, with myself.” I said honestly.
“How do you fight internally with the disease?”
“I'm trying to soak up the agreeable energy of the people who like me. Then I don’t feel any anxiety.”
“And, what do you believe in? It’s the last question.” Luckily.
“Well, I believe in love, the chance that a person can't waste, trust and decency…”
“Okay, thank you. I’m gonna talk to your brother now.” “To my brother?” I’m confused. “Yes, your brother's waiting outside.” “You mean David?” “Yes, I think so. But of course, you should know the name of your brother. Goodbye.” He stood up and went away. Okay, this pissed me off.
After a while of their conversation and the psychologist’s leaving David’s coming to my room. “Okay, Pierre, he’s no-“ “Brother, yeah? You are my brother, really? I did not know about it so far! How come?” I said in ironic voice. I’m pissed. “Pierre, calm down. I didn’t mean it in a bad way just-“ “You didn’t mean it like that? David, are you ashamed of me?” I asked and looked into his eyes angrily. “I said it because I wanted him to help you, if I told him that I was your boyfriend, he wouldn't go here.” He said firmly. “Why he wouldn’t to? Umm?” I shouted. He’s confused. “Pierre, your relative had to call him because otherwise he wouldn't listen your boyfriend because I’m not your sibling.” He explained and I swallowed. “SHIT!” I screamed and slammed my fist into the wall. “Pie,” David approached to me, sat next to and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “Come on,” he said and pulled me closer so I rested my head between his neck and shoulder. “I’m sorry.” I burst into tears. “No problem, honey. That’s okay.” He said while rocking with me from the side to the side. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I sobbed. “Pierre, the psychologist said me you need the doctor.” “Davie, you know that I don’t need him.” “Pierre, nothing else will help you.” “YOU can help me.” “Pierre, I’m sorry, I’m not the right healer of this disease.” “I know but, just stay here, please. It’s gonna be better.” I said and buried my face into his shoulder and held his hand.
Luckily, David was with me whole day.
I wasn’t at school past 4 days because of my condition. I spent those days in the bed with a bucket next to me just in case I'd need to throw up. I know I have to face the facts and start taking better care of myself but how? It’s impossible. I don’t wanna see the doctors anymore and listen to their stupid theories and reasoning just, I don’t need it.
My condition is worse and worse. Just, I feel sad, anxious and hopeless. I’m sleeping less than usual. I’m so damn cold. I’m still losing weight. And do you know what is the worst? I’m still thinking about death and giving up.
David rang me out. Everytime he rings me out I know he’s gonna come to me. I’m hearing a few sounds of knocking on my door. “Come in.” I said in low and weak voice before I cleared my throat. “Hello, honey,” David greeted, still standing in the doorway. “Hi,” I coughed again. “Sweetheart, I’m not here alone. There’s a… psychologist behind the door.” I breathed out quickly and peevishly. “David, I told you I don’t need a psychologist.” I said a bit louder before David approached and sat next to me. “Honey, it's only about talking. Please, maybe you will be better,” he explained. I was fed up. “Sure,” I responded. “Please, try it,” he said before kissing me. “Stupid psychologist.”
“Okay, can we start with a short interview?” He asked and sat in front of me. “Sure,” I answered upset.
“So, do you think that you are dying?”
“I have such feelings.”
“Can you describe them?”
“Soul would like to, but my body can't cope with it already.” It’s strange, he’s still writing my answers.
“What is your health now?”
“Very bad. I lost weight by 22 pounds. My livers are fucked, low blood pressure and rapid pulse. I’ve got chills and fever.”
“Did your doctor say to you how much life you have left?”
“No one told me. No doctor will tell you frankly – Mr. Bouvier, you'll die in six months. “
“It seems you still have enough energy.”
“Because you’re pissing me off!” I answered aloud.
“I expected you will be honest when your sibling called me to come here.”
“Do you know that this kind of questions can destroy a person?” I’m so mad at him. He pisses me off.
“Is something you are afraid of?”
“Human stupidity.”
“Have you ever met with human stupidity?”
“Yes, with myself.” I said honestly.
“How do you fight internally with the disease?”
“I'm trying to soak up the agreeable energy of the people who like me. Then I don’t feel any anxiety.”
“And, what do you believe in? It’s the last question.” Luckily.
“Well, I believe in love, the chance that a person can't waste, trust and decency…”
“Okay, thank you. I’m gonna talk to your brother now.” “To my brother?” I’m confused. “Yes, your brother's waiting outside.” “You mean David?” “Yes, I think so. But of course, you should know the name of your brother. Goodbye.” He stood up and went away. Okay, this pissed me off.
After a while of their conversation and the psychologist’s leaving David’s coming to my room. “Okay, Pierre, he’s no-“ “Brother, yeah? You are my brother, really? I did not know about it so far! How come?” I said in ironic voice. I’m pissed. “Pierre, calm down. I didn’t mean it in a bad way just-“ “You didn’t mean it like that? David, are you ashamed of me?” I asked and looked into his eyes angrily. “I said it because I wanted him to help you, if I told him that I was your boyfriend, he wouldn't go here.” He said firmly. “Why he wouldn’t to? Umm?” I shouted. He’s confused. “Pierre, your relative had to call him because otherwise he wouldn't listen your boyfriend because I’m not your sibling.” He explained and I swallowed. “SHIT!” I screamed and slammed my fist into the wall. “Pie,” David approached to me, sat next to and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “Come on,” he said and pulled me closer so I rested my head between his neck and shoulder. “I’m sorry.” I burst into tears. “No problem, honey. That’s okay.” He said while rocking with me from the side to the side. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I sobbed. “Pierre, the psychologist said me you need the doctor.” “Davie, you know that I don’t need him.” “Pierre, nothing else will help you.” “YOU can help me.” “Pierre, I’m sorry, I’m not the right healer of this disease.” “I know but, just stay here, please. It’s gonna be better.” I said and buried my face into his shoulder and held his hand.
Luckily, David was with me whole day.