Why to Be Afraid of Tomorrow
Part 5
Since this morning I’m screwing up everything, and I got up half an hour ago. Everything falls out of my hands.
Luckily, on the way to school nothing bad happened.
But now? I’m approaching to my locker. When I opened it all the books fell down on the ground. “Shit.” I squatted and picked the dropped things up. Suddenly I felt a hard kick in my ass. “What’s up, fag? I heard your papa had a fight in a pub, is it true?” I swallowed thickly. “Hey, keep the rumors about my dad for yourself.” Ok, I knew my dad did but I didn’t want anybody to discuss about it. Deep inside I wanted to whop him but truly, I was afraid. His beefy body and 220 Ibs would have little advantage over me. “You are too daredevil, don’t you think? Get out of my way.” He finished his short talking and slammed me by his fist to my shoulder. “Nice start of the day.” I told to myself silently.
On the way to my schoolroom I stumbled over a door sill and fell on the ground. It was too embarrassing because David saw me but I felt it differently. Another step, another blooper.
“Davie, today is my bad luck. I’m screwing up every little thing I try to do.” I complained and sat next to him. But while my attempt to sit before he could answer I spilled his water bottle on his shirt. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry, Davie, I’m sorry, I just-“ “Pierre, calm down!” David commanded while I was wiping his wet shirt. I didn’t stop. “Pierre!” He said and took both of my hands. “Look at me,” he waited till I do it. I looked into his eyes. “Let it be, okay? You’re too nervous.” “Okay, I’m just loser… today.” I added him to not notice what I feel like. That I am a loser all the time.
********
The school ended a while ago but I earned the worst marks three times, first, because I didn’t pay attention, second, because I didn’t know a REALLY SIMPLE question from Biology and third I got bad mark from the last test. So, I can say, this day turned out downright successfully, really. Damn.
But I didn't know in that moment that that's not all. On the way home some guys attacked me and robbed me. So I came home in torn clothes with empty wallet and with other bruises. Nothing better I could ask for.
I have a bad day, really. I’m standing in the line just to hit a new low.
It’s 6 p.m. I’m coming to the cemetery. I have some flowers in one hand and in the second a candle. I’m kneeling down to my mum. “Good evening, mama.” I came closer and I took the withered flowers from the vase out. “Mom, today I had a terrible day. If you only knew how it's terrible without you. I'd do everything possible you to be here with me. There is an appalling vacuity here. Father threshes me everytime he comes home from the pub. He gets drunk incessantly, I can’t remember the last time he was sober.” I looked at the tombstone with my mother’s photo and her name. I burst into tears. “I miss you. You were gone too soon.” I wiped my tearful eyes. I ran my hand over the gravestone. “I love you, mum.” I miss her, really. I spent with her about 2 hours. That's what I needed.
This day I'm mad at myself, really. Everything falls out of my hands, I broke a glass to pieces, I stumbled over the stair. I’m really angry.
I’m standing in front of the mirror. I changed completely and probably for the worse since my mum is gone. I have just become a shadow of my former self. “You’re such a loser.” I told to the mirror reflection. In front of me was standing a weakling. I cried.
After a while I couldn’t stand it. I took the phone and called David. “Yea, what’s up, Pierre?” Finally I heard his angelic voice. “Davie, wouldn't you go with me for a walk?” “Pierre, you know what time it is?” In that moment I looked at the clock. It’s 11 p.m. “Oh, sure. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up.” I was downhearted. “No, no, you didn’t wake me up, I’m just … okay, give me ten minutes.” I smiled. Luckily, David lives only a few blocks from here. “Oh, thank you, I’ll be in front of your house in a heartbeat. See ya.” “See you later.” As soon as he hang up, I put a sweatshirt on and set off.
Luckily, on the way to school nothing bad happened.
But now? I’m approaching to my locker. When I opened it all the books fell down on the ground. “Shit.” I squatted and picked the dropped things up. Suddenly I felt a hard kick in my ass. “What’s up, fag? I heard your papa had a fight in a pub, is it true?” I swallowed thickly. “Hey, keep the rumors about my dad for yourself.” Ok, I knew my dad did but I didn’t want anybody to discuss about it. Deep inside I wanted to whop him but truly, I was afraid. His beefy body and 220 Ibs would have little advantage over me. “You are too daredevil, don’t you think? Get out of my way.” He finished his short talking and slammed me by his fist to my shoulder. “Nice start of the day.” I told to myself silently.
On the way to my schoolroom I stumbled over a door sill and fell on the ground. It was too embarrassing because David saw me but I felt it differently. Another step, another blooper.
“Davie, today is my bad luck. I’m screwing up every little thing I try to do.” I complained and sat next to him. But while my attempt to sit before he could answer I spilled his water bottle on his shirt. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry, Davie, I’m sorry, I just-“ “Pierre, calm down!” David commanded while I was wiping his wet shirt. I didn’t stop. “Pierre!” He said and took both of my hands. “Look at me,” he waited till I do it. I looked into his eyes. “Let it be, okay? You’re too nervous.” “Okay, I’m just loser… today.” I added him to not notice what I feel like. That I am a loser all the time.
********
The school ended a while ago but I earned the worst marks three times, first, because I didn’t pay attention, second, because I didn’t know a REALLY SIMPLE question from Biology and third I got bad mark from the last test. So, I can say, this day turned out downright successfully, really. Damn.
But I didn't know in that moment that that's not all. On the way home some guys attacked me and robbed me. So I came home in torn clothes with empty wallet and with other bruises. Nothing better I could ask for.
I have a bad day, really. I’m standing in the line just to hit a new low.
It’s 6 p.m. I’m coming to the cemetery. I have some flowers in one hand and in the second a candle. I’m kneeling down to my mum. “Good evening, mama.” I came closer and I took the withered flowers from the vase out. “Mom, today I had a terrible day. If you only knew how it's terrible without you. I'd do everything possible you to be here with me. There is an appalling vacuity here. Father threshes me everytime he comes home from the pub. He gets drunk incessantly, I can’t remember the last time he was sober.” I looked at the tombstone with my mother’s photo and her name. I burst into tears. “I miss you. You were gone too soon.” I wiped my tearful eyes. I ran my hand over the gravestone. “I love you, mum.” I miss her, really. I spent with her about 2 hours. That's what I needed.
This day I'm mad at myself, really. Everything falls out of my hands, I broke a glass to pieces, I stumbled over the stair. I’m really angry.
I’m standing in front of the mirror. I changed completely and probably for the worse since my mum is gone. I have just become a shadow of my former self. “You’re such a loser.” I told to the mirror reflection. In front of me was standing a weakling. I cried.
After a while I couldn’t stand it. I took the phone and called David. “Yea, what’s up, Pierre?” Finally I heard his angelic voice. “Davie, wouldn't you go with me for a walk?” “Pierre, you know what time it is?” In that moment I looked at the clock. It’s 11 p.m. “Oh, sure. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up.” I was downhearted. “No, no, you didn’t wake me up, I’m just … okay, give me ten minutes.” I smiled. Luckily, David lives only a few blocks from here. “Oh, thank you, I’ll be in front of your house in a heartbeat. See ya.” “See you later.” As soon as he hang up, I put a sweatshirt on and set off.