Time for a Sign

I sighed as I stared down at the single pink line. Yet another negative.

Pat poked his head in the door. "Is it done yet?"

I nodded my head. "Yeah. Same as the last dozen we've done."

Pat stepped into the bathroom as I put my head in my hands and put his hand on my shoulder comfortingly.

"Alecia, it's okay. We have forever."

"I know, but I still feel like I'm failing. I'm sorry."

Pat took my hand and pulled me up from the toilet lid I was sitting on, pulling me into a hug. "There's no need to be sorry. When it happens, it happens. We just need to give it a little time."

I pulled back from him. "Pat, we've been trying almost ever since we got married just before Connor was born. That's over two years."

"We just need to be patient. It'll happen, Alecia. It'll happen."

* * * * *

I opened Jessy's front door and followed the scent of food to the kitchen, where she was frying something on the stove top. I sat down at the breakfast bar and rested my head on my folded arms as Jessy turned and took notice of me.

"Hello to you too, Alecia, it's great to see you even when you come over unannounced and don't introduce yourself."

I flipped her the bird and she quickly captured my hand and looked around the room. "Careful what you do in this house, Connor picks things up very quickly, especially if mommy and daddy say not to do it."

I re-crossed my arms as she turned back to the stove and continued cooking. "Shouldn't you have Connor in your sight at all times? That kid's a wrecking ball when he's by himself."

Jessy just waved her hand. "You put him in front of the TV and he's a mindless drone. Like father, like son. Anyway, I can tell that you came here for something. What's up?"

I sighed, looking down at my hands. "I guess I've just been pretty down lately, I need some girl time."

Jessy put down the spoon she was using to cook with and moved over to face me at the bench. "What's got you down?"

I sighed again. "Pat and I have been trying to get pregnant."

"Alecia, that's great! You've been married for like two years, why is it getting you down?"

"We've been trying since we got married."

Jessy's face fell. "Oh."

"I'm getting desperate, I'm taking just about every measure but nothing is working. I'm scared that if I can't have kids then Pat's gonna leave me. You know how much he wants to be a dad."

Jessy walked around the side and put her arm around me. "Sure, Pat wants to be a dad just as much as you want to be a mom. But Pat loves you too much to leave you. He would sacrifice having kids for you. Have you considered IVF treatment or adoption?"

I shook my head. "We haven't gone that far. Some of that stuff is so complicated and expensive and it's just not an option right now. The band is still touring and doing stuff and we just can't afford it."

"Have you been to a doctor to see if there's something wrong? Ask him why you can't fall pregnant?"

I nodded. "There's nothing wrong. I just can't do it."

A tear slipped out of my eye and my bottom lip quivered. There was nothing more I wanted than to hold my own baby boy or girl in my arms, but the more I tried, the further away it seemed.

The front door was opened loudly and Garrett loudly announced his entrance.

"I'm home! Where's my two favourite people in the world?" he called out from the hallway. Connor's excited squeals could be heard from the living room and within moments he was running as fast as he could to where Garrett had just entered the kitchen. He fell flat on his face just before he could reach Garrett, who scooped him up quickly and kissed his head just as Connor's bottom lip started quivering.

"You're okay, buddy, daddy's here now," Garrett rubbed his back and started to sway him around to avoid a Connor-tantrum, something which everyone involved in the band had witnessed first-hand at least once.

But someone else walked in behind Garrett. My own husband.

"Alecia, what's wrong?" he asked as he took in my tear-stained face. Garrett looked between us and took Jessy's arm.

"Come on Connor, let's show mommy what I've been teaching you."

Jessy looked back at me with a pointed look. I sighed, wiping away the tears from my eyes. Pat walked around and sat on the stool next to me.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" he asked me, rubbing the top of my arm.

I shook my head. "I'm scared. I'm scared that if I can't get pregnant then you're going to leave me. I know how much you wanna be a dad and I want to be able to give that you."

Pat stroked my hair. "Sweetheart, I would never leave you. Not even if you suddenly decided that you never want kids ever, or if you have a sex change so you can't have kids. Well, maybe that last one, it might be a little weird." I giggled through my tears. "Alecia, you have to realise that nothing will ever stop me from loving you. And we've been to the doctor, we know that it's just taking some time is all."

I nodded. "I know, I'm just worrying about it taking so long. I don't want anything bad to happen."

"It'll be okay. Trust me." I smiled weakly and Pat pulled me in to hold me and press a soft kiss to my lips. "Come on, let's go say goodbye and head home."

We walked into the living room to find Garrett holding up his bass guitar, pointing out which string for Connor to pluck as he moved his own hand up and down the frets. Seeing Garrett, Jessy and Connor as a family made my heart swell, especially as I thought about how rocky their relationship was to start with. I could just imagine one day Pat teaching our child how to play the drums, not caring when they just whacked the shit out of them.

"We're gonna head home, thanks for today," Pat said to Garrett.

"Anytime man. See you later Alecia." Garrett waved goodbye to us and Jessy stood up to say goodbye. I handed Pat my car keys and he went outside while I stayed by the door to talk to Jessy.

"Thanks for the talk, Jessy. It's good having someone I can talk to when things start looking bad."

She pulled me into a tight hug. "Any time, Alecia. You're always welcome here and I'm a phone call away if you need me or just want someone to listen."

I smiled back at her. Jessy had been there for me from the very beginning, urging me to make a move with Pat and talking things through with him when our relationship went downhill in the very beginning. There was a reason why she was my maid of honour and this was it.

"Thanks again. I'd better go, Pat's waiting for me in the car."

Jessy gave me another hug and waved goodbye to us as I got in the car.

"So, about our conversation earlier..." Pat started as we drove down Jessy's street.

I looked at him. "What about it?"

"Well, there's no harm in continuing to try for a baby, is there?"

I smirked at him as we turned into our street. "Well you know what they say, practice makes perfect."