Locked Up Lust

PRISON CAFETERIA

It has been nearly a week since I've been in prison and I was getting used to being here. I got used to waking up early because they would wake us up at five o'clock in the morning. The bells would ring, telling us that we had five minutes to get up, get dressed, get ready, and have our beds made. After those five minutes, an officer would open our cell and inspect everything, including us. Once we've been approved, we were to meet at the cafeteria to have breakfast. Our breakfast usually consists of a bowl of oatmeal, a hard boiled egg, orange juice, and coffee. At five thirty, plates where collected and chores began. We were all assigned a certain job every day. I did everything from washing dishes to laundry. After chores are done for the day, we'd have lunch. Our lunch would be a meal that you would find in any other high school cafeteria. You know, your usual mystery meat. After lunch, plates are collected again and were washed by a selected few. Usually the inmates that were misbehaving that day. The rest of the day was yours to do whatever you wanted. You can go back to your cell, go out in the court yard to work out or have a smoke, or go to the library. This was where I spend most of my days. Afterwards, we are called in for dinner. Later, plates are collected and, yet again, cleaned by a selected few. As soon as that was done, we were all ordered to get back in our cells for lock down. The cycle begins again.....and again.....and.....again.

It was the beginning of week two and both Lindsey and I were finding a seat to eat our breakfast. We spotted two seats across from each other, but was next to someone. She looked like one of the prisoners who was on the bus the day I came here.
Lindsey kindly asked the big, old, African American women (who looks like she shouldn't even be in prison in the first place). "Excuse me," Lindsey started. "These seats taken?"
"No not at all babies." The lady answered, inviting us to sit. Lindsey sat on the old lady's side and I sat across from them.
"I don't know how people eat like this. This is crazy as hell! I've seen people on Survivor eat better food than this!" The old lady said poking at her food.
Wow I didn't know this old lady had that kind of spice to her. I didn't really mind the food all that much. Hey, its better than being starving. Then, out of no where, the lady sitting next to me quickly got up and ran away. What was wrong with her? I turned my head to see where she had ran too, but when I turned my head back to her seat, it was being taken by someone else.
"Ooo she ran like she was runnin' from some roaches." The old lady laughed looking at both me and Lindsey, then turning at the person who took that lady's seat.
"You're a cute little thang!" A manly looking woman said to me as she glided her hand from my neck down my arm and back up.
"Get your hands off of me!" I ordered as I tried to push her hands away.
"Ooo you're feisty!" She said as she continued to touch me.
Lindsey jumps in to try to save me. "Al leave her alone, that's my friend."
"Is anybody talkin' to you?" Al (short for Alexandria) responded with an attitude.
"Young man," The old lady said out of nowhere. This made Al turn to her. "This little lady don't want to be bothered with you now. Get on up and go on back to where you came from now. Go on." The old lady said in a calm way.
"Who do you think you're talkin' to old lady?" Al responded in disbelief. No one ever had the nerve to talk back to her like that before.
The old lady took in a deep breath to try to keep her cool. "You don't know me. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt. Now get the hell up from the table and go on now go on. Go on sir, go on." The old lady said, referring to her as a man.
"I see nobody told you I run this prison. I'm Big Al. And what Big Al wants, Big Al gets. Get it?" Al said as she slowly gets up from the table to assert her dominants.
The old lady finally lost her cool. She slowly gets up as well. "I guess nobody told you that I'm Georgina. Georg to damn I-N-A, you understand that? And what I want, I get, do you understand me? You don't know me! You don't know who the hell you talkin' to! I will come across this table and rip out your uterus!" Georgina yelled out to Al.
When me and Lindsey heard the old lady say the last part, we looked at each other trying to hold back our laughter.
"A-ha, I see I still have to break you in." Al said as she took a fist and hit it against her hand, catching it.
"You're gonna get broke the hell in if..." Georgina threatened, but was interrupted by an officer who pounded his baton against the table to break up the argument.
This made Georgina and Al stop to look at the officer, everyone who was witnessing the fight did the same.
Al turned back to Georgina. "We'll have our time." Al threatened.
"Yes we will. I look forward to it." Georgina responded.
Al picks up her tray and left to find a different seat.
"Get the hell on outta here with Alvin and the two chipmunks!" Georgina laughed sitting down, as Al walked away with her crew.
"Thank you!" I said, interrupting her fun.
"Oh I wasn't doing nothin' for you honey, I just don't like people messin' on nobody; that's all. I'm Georgina, heller."
"I'm (Y/N)." I responded.
Lindsey also introduced herself. "And I'm Lindsey. Thank you for stickin' up for my friend."
"Yeah ya'll welcome!"

MY CELL ~THREE DAYS LATER~

A few days later, after lunch, I checked out a book from the library and took it back to my cell. I climbed up to get to my bunk, laid down, and started to read. About four chapters into the book Lindsey walks in.
"You have a letter...." Lindsey said as she handed it to me.
I took the letter from her and looked at the return address. Without thinking twice, I threw the letter off the bed, then laid back down to continued my reading.
"Why won't you talk to him?" Lindsey said sounding disappointed.
"'Cause I ain't got nothin' to say to him." I said with an attitude but keeping calm, still reading my book.
"Yeah, but maybe he can help you figure out why you in here so long!" Lindsey said with a slight anger behind her voice. She had no idea why I had such a bad attitude towards Darren.
"Listen," I started, now looking up from my book. "I don't wanna talk to him."
"Well obviously that man wants to be there for you, so why don't you just let him...Why don't you just see him?!" Lindsey questioned, trying to get her point across.
"Why don't you just drop it?" I asked calmly, as I raised my eye brows.
"Drop it?.....Yeah aight." Lindsey said, giving up trying to talk to me and walked out of our cell.
I continued reading my book as if nothing had happened.

LAUNDRY ROOM ~NEXT DAY~

Today, after lunch, my chore was to do laundry. The idea of washing a stranger's dirty clothes was fucking nasty! Well, at least I didn't have to do it alone. I was going to have Georgina help me.
"So they told me they gonna give me five years, but I'm like hell you ain't gonna give me no five years, but they did and I'm here. But I've been lookin' for a way to break the hell outta here. You folks don't know me up in here. I'm tellin' you (Y/N)...." Georgina told me.
She is the most craziest person I have ever met. She was telling me about her past crimes that she committed, and after getting to know her a little more, I see why she's in jail.
"I'm gonna try to find us some Colas or somethin' water somethin' for us to drank! They be havin' us do all these damn chores! Havin' us be all thirsty! I'ma be back. Just holla if you need me!" Georgina said as she made her way out the laundry room.
I laughed at this and just continued my work of pulling the clothes out of the washer and putting them in the dryer. Then out of nowhere.....
"Hi sweetness." Al greeted as she leaned up against the laundry room door way.
I rolled my eyes at her comment. "This fucka." I whispered to myself.
"You lookin' good." She complimented.
"Oh listen, I know you ain't talkin' to me!" I said finally dropping what I was doing to look at her.
Al stood up from leaning on the door way to walk over to me. What was she doing? She walked behind me and proceeded to reply to my comment.
"Well....It is only me and you in here sweetness.....So I must be talkin' to you." Al said close to my ear while putting her hands on my waist.
"Nah, you better back the hell up!" I yelled, running to the other side of the room.
Al then ran after me and cornered me. She held my hands, restraining. She buried her head in my neck to land some kisses. I screamed and fought but she had the strength of a man.
"Girl you know you like it!" Al teased.
I screamed for Georgina, for an officer, someone to get this animal off me.
"What the hell is goin' on here?" Georgina yelled busting in through the door. "Get the hell off of her, oh hell nah!" Georgina said walking up to us and prying Al away from me. "You're gonna crush her with your huge ass arms! Lookin' like a damn Godzilla!" She insulted.
I ran behind Georgina to get away from the "Godzilla".
"Old lady you know who you talkin' too?" Al questioned.
"Yes, I do. I'm talkin' to you. You better back the hell up outta my face, go 'head on, go 'head on, ya'll better tell him, he don't know." Georgina said, referring to Al as a man again.
Al turned away from Georgina to look at me. "So when are you gonna come see me sweetness? 'Cause I know you liked it." She said looking into my eyes.
"Young man?!" Georgina yelled in such disbelief. "Didn't this little girl tell you she don't want to be bothered with you? Why do you keep talkin' to her? What is wrong with you?!"
"What you gonna do?" Al questioned, thinking that the old woman can't do anything about it.
But Al was completely wrong. Georgina gave Al a suspicious look. Then, out of nowhere, threw some powdered laundry detergent in Al's face. This nearly blinds Al for a second while Georgina attacks her. Georgina grabs Al by the collar and knees her in the stomach. She kneed her all the way over to the press iron, putting her head on the ironing board. Georgina lowers the iron close to her face, not actually closing the iron all the way.
"What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What YOU gonna do? That's what I wanna know. You're gonna sit there and tell somethin' to me? What the hell? Say somethin' now! Say somethin' now! I don't hear you! I...Don't...Hear...You!" Georgina said while she was beating Al up.
"Get off me grandma!" was the only thing Al could say.
"Come on! Come on you big heifa! Come on!" Georgina said, tossing Al in the laundry bin full of dirty clothes.
I cheered Georgina the whole time! "Yeah! Kick her ass! Yeah!"
"Cover him up. Cover him up." Georgina whispered, throwing clothes on top of Al.
"Hey!" an officer yelled, barging into the laundry room. "What's going on in here?"
"We not doing nothin'." Georgina said, trying to sound as innocent as possible.
The officer gave a suspicious look at the both of us.

~NEXT DAY~

After weeks of Lindsey begging me to go to one of Marie's services, I finally (for her), agreed to go. I had no idea of what to expect from this "service". When I was younger, I remember going to Sunday mass. Was it going to be like that? I don't know, but....I'm scared.
We walked over to the far left of the prison to a hallway, leading to a room. We were one of the last people to arrive to be greeted by Marie at the door.
"Welcome back....Come on in....Hello!....How are you today?" Marie would say to certain people.
Lindsey was in line to get in before me. "Hey Marie!" Lindsey greeted cheerfully, giving Marie a look of excitement. Not because she was super stoked to be at today's service, but because I finally agreed to come with her today.
"Glad you can make it." Marie said looking straight at me.
I tried to avoid her eye contact. Lindsey, who already found us a seat, signaled me to sit with her. Of course our seats had to be in the front. I was not happy to be here at all. I had no idea what was in store for me. What were we supposed to do in here? Bow our heads and pray to someone who we can't see and hope he's listening. Will this someone just wave a wand and make a selected few's life better? I don't know, but all I want to do is get this shit over with.
After the last few people at the door were all in the room and seated, Marie walked up to the front of the room, to the podium.
"Good afternoon everyone." Marie started. "How's everybody doing today?"
A few "good"'s were said from around the room.
"Good, good. Alright today, we're gonna continue last week's lesson of forgiveness. Why is it so important?" Marie asked.
Someone raises her hand.
"Yes, Adriana." Marie said picking Georgina's cell mate, whom she couldn't understand because of her thick Spanish accent.
"Because you have to forgive to be forgiven." Adriana said in a sweet and simple tone.
"Correct. We must forgive others as Christ forgave us....Now last week we talked about the first steps to forgiveness....Anybody know?" Marie questioned.
"Acknowledging what was done?" Lindsey raised her hand and said.
I looked at her after she answered. Whoa I was not expecting that.
"That's right." Marie praised. "You know,...a lot of times we don't want to acknowledge what we've done. You know when you don't forgive somebody, you give them power over your life. They're sleeping at night and you're walking around remembering everything that they've done. You all know a little bit of my testimony...Sixteen years living on the streets, drug addiction, prostitution." Maria said now with an even more serious tone then before.
No.....Her?....She....She's from the streets?.....No.....A...drugged out...prostitute?....Like me? I really started to question my initial thought of Marie. She really is like the rest of us.
Maria continued. "And I did it because I was hurting myself, I was hurting my daddy, I was hurting my mother, I was hurting every man that did anything bad to me...Until one day the Lord spoke to me,... and he said:...Forgiveness is not for the other person,...it's for you. And the longer you hold on to it, the longer you hold on to the pain and the past and the hurt, the longer you hold yourself from being free."
"Well I can't forgive my dad for what he did to me! He's the reason why I'm in here!" A woman sitting on the other side of the room spoke out.
What? Where did that come from?
"Well Nikki, you know what? Don't forgive him because he's living his life, you in here. Forgiveness is not for them, it is for you." Marie said, restating the lesson.
Nikki rolled her eyes at her. "Well I can't forgive him, you don't know what he did to me!" Nikki said, restated her reason.
"Lord, do I have to listen to all this melodrama?" Georgina suddenly said, sitting in the back in the last row.
"Is something wrong, Ms. Williams?" Marie asked.
"Huh?" Georgina replied.
"Is there something wrong?"
"Sorry, reverend, doctor, bishop, preacher lady,...whatever your name is." Georgina started. "I just I don't agree with all of this. I hear what you say about forgiveness, yes. You're supposed to forgive people. But this child over here tellin' what her daddy did. Honey, your dad is somewhere livin' his life and you're on lock down. Honey you in jail because of what you did! Learn how to take some responsibility for yourself. For your own stuff. I can't stand folks wanna be the victim! 'This person did this that's why I'm this way.' Everybody in this place got a story. Your mama and daddy done gave you life. That's all they were supposed to do. No matter how good, how bad the life was, it's up to you to make somethin' out of it. Suck it up and shut the hell up!" Georgina said with an angry tone but with definite wisdom behind it.
Nikki talks back. "But you don't know what he did!"
"Let her talk!" Al jumped in, defending Georgina.
This made Nikki turn back around. Everyone was surprised by this. The bully is sticking up for someone who she once bullied.
"Thank you, Big Al!" Georgina responded.
"I love it when you call me 'Big Papa'!" Al said back.
"You're such a gentleman." Georgina complemented, again referring to her as a man, but Al didn't mind it anymore.
Georgina continued. "They say if I come here, I can get some time off. But I'm just tryin' to get time off. Do my time. I don't mess with nobody. I don't want nobody to mess with me. But this is crazy. People, all ya'll up in here need to understand something, okay? Everybody got a life. And what you do with that life is up to you. Stop being the victim. That's all I say. I ain't feel like preachin', I don't preach that stuff. I'ma leave that up to you. Matter a fact, I don't even wanna be here. But I...I gotta get out of here because this is working on my damn..." Georgina paused to correct herself, remembering that she was in at a religious session. "This is working on my nerves. Sorry, God, father son, ghost,....uhh." Georgina said TRYING to do the sign of the cross. "I can't be bothered with this." Georgina finally said as she got up and left the room.
"Guess she told you." Al said to Nikki.

SERVICE ~A WEEK AND A HALF LATER~

Okay, let's see. It has been four weeks since I've been in prison, about ten days since I've been attending Marie's services, and it's been for...FUCKING...ever since I've been without my drug. Come to think about it, I've been doing okay without heroin. I get a few shakes and shivers every now and then, but they have been slowly going away. My appetite's come back, color is back in my skin, and some weight is coming back to my body. I hate to say it, but....Marie's services has helped. She's making some legit points. Then she later backs them up with the religion. Which I'm still not sure about the whole "Praising God" part, but, surprisingly,....I think I'm getting there.

Today was just a normal boring day. However, for some reason, Lindsey was acting a little weird today. She seemed strangely excited for today's service. I was probably over analyzing her, so I just ignored it and we walked over to go to our daily service. As we took our seats, Marie started the service with her usual lesson of the day.
"Good afternoon ladies!" Marie started. "Today's lesson is about pain. I know everyone in this room...in this prison...in this whole world has experienced this before. Whether it was physical, mental, or emotional. Things...people can cause this pain. Pain can be quick....or it can last. Last for a week, even years. And when you're in that long period of pain, and hurt, and suffering, it may seems like there is no way out of it. Depression sets in. Drugs gets involved. Bad decisions are made. You loose sight of who you are....and you become that depression and drug and bad decision. What we all have to realize is that with pain....comes healing. God can help with that. If your life has been nothing but Hell, its because God sometimes gives you the ugly so you can better appreciate the beautiful. He does not give you anything you can't handle. God helps us heal with three main things: tears, time and love. Tears to cleanse your soul. Time to wash away the pain. And finally, love. Love for yourself, love from others, and more importantly,...love from God himself. God does not judge people....He will love you no matter what. He doesn't care how many people you've slept with, how many drugs you've done. Just as song as you come back to Him, you will love you still." Marie said with so much passion.
I was feeling so overwhelmed with so much emotion. I connected with EVERYTHING Marie was saying about pain. I did go through depression, I did do drugs, I did make bad BAD decisions. And now I see what my problem was the whole time. I have to learn how to accept the healing, that I desperately needed.
Marie continued. "Now today's service is going to be a little more special than usual..." Marie said with a not so serious tone anymore.
Oooo! I wonder what makes this service "more special that usual". It's been pretty normal so far.
"We're going to have someone sing for us today!" Marie announced.
Wait....What?....Who? I turned to Lindsey who was looking straight forward but with a huge ass smile on her face.
"Lindsey what did you do?!" I whispered to her with an angry tone. She didn't reply, just smiled at me.
"Ooooo is it Usher? I love me some Usher!" Some girl gasped.
"No it's one of our very own girls..." Marie smiled, looking at me.
Everyone noticed how Marie's focus was on me. This caused every one to look at me also.
"What?" I said. Oh no the bitch in me is coming out again. "Why you lookin' at me like that?"
"Lindsey here says you're a singer and you know some gospel songs." Marie replied.
Shit, I shouldn't have told Lindsey that I used to be a performing arts major and my favorite songs were gospels.
"I ain't gonna sing." I sarcastically chuckled.
"Come on "(Y/N)! Sing the song you be hummin' all the time to in our cell." Lindsey just blurts out.
"Lindsey what the hell?!" I yelled, getting up to leave. "Ya'll fucking crazy. Thinkin' you can just put me on fuckin' blast! I ain't singin' for no one!" I mumbled to myself as I approached the door. Marie was trying to stop me.
"(Y/N)! Don't you dare walk out that door!" Marie yelled.
I stop in my tracks and just stood there, not facing her. "Or what?" I challenged, yelling over my shoulder.
"Take another step and I completely erase all your hours in here." Marie threatened.
Fuck I didn't think about that. With seven to ten years in here, I need all the hours I can get.
I bowed my head forward, knowing this was defeat and turned around to look at Marie. She made a gesture signalling me to take the podium. I slowly walked over to the podium as Marie walked over to my seat next to Lindsey. My heart was beating at a speed that seemed humanly impossible. I awkwardly stood there for what felt like forever until Marie opened her fat ass mouth.
"It's okay, take your time." Marie TRIED to comfort.
No shit dumb ass, what it look like I'm fucking doing?
I sarcastically cleared my throat then took in a deep shaky breathe. I started singing
"You Just Don't Wanna Know" by Marvin Winans.

I hurt so many nights.
I Cried so many hours.
Trying to make it right.
I just didn't have the power.
But you ignored all of my tears.
It hurt so bad.
I wanted them to disappear.
I tried to let it show.
But I guess, you just don't wanna know.

What?....No....Why am I getting so emotional? Are those tears forming in my eyes?

I came to you in love.
I came to you in earnest.
Could you possibly explain?
Why the flames, why the furnace?
I just needing to get it clear.
I was hoping you would hear.
I tried to let it go.
But I guess, you just don't wanna know.

Oh no....tears are rolling down my face. Shit. Okay, I;m done hiding it. I don't give a fuck anymore.

Now is it true that God is always there?
He said He'd never leave.
But at times the human touch is what I need.
And if I had a dime for every time I tried to call your name.
Some tell me, I'd be wealthy.

Okay, now i'm full on sobbing.

But I learned that I could cope.
I discovered I could make it.
In nights so long and cold.
So cold, you don't know how cold.
I learned that I could take it.
Now I wouldn't change a thing.
Not for the knowledge, not for the knowledge that I've gained.
I learned that I could grow.
I really did, I tried to let it show.
I did. I tried to let it go.
But I guess, you just don't wanna know.
You just don't wanna know.

During the last part of the song, I literally got lost. I got lost in the song, in the emotions, in the tears. I didn't realize that I was crying that much, as I felt my tears soak through my clothes. After I finished the song, there was a silenced in the room. Then.....Lindsey jumped up and cheered. Everyone followed her lead. Everybody stood up gave me a standing ovation. Marie was the last to stand up. Upon her face laid tears, along with the biggest smile I've ever seen from her.
I wiped my own tears and.........actually smiled.