For Us

*Elli*
It was too bright for my tastes when I woke up, but the headache wasn’t so bad. The light hurt my eyes, and it made the headache a bit worse, but I quickly adjusted.

Oh fuck. What did I do? The last time I got drunk around Sean, things almost got out of hand. If Stella hadn’t been there, they probably would’ve.

Not that I would’ve complained if they had, but . . . .

I let my feet land on the floor, surprised by the fact the felt like they weighed a hundred pounds, and I shuffled my way into the bathroom—barely remembering to grab a change of clothes. I didn’t know if anyone else was awake or not, but I needed a shower if I was gonna have any kind of fun today.

The water felt great against my tense and sore muscles. I didn’t really know why I was so sore, but I didn’t care. The water relaxed me enough that I wasn’t sore anymore. I felt pretty great, actually, when I climbed out of the shower and started getting dressed.

I slipped into my ripped denim skinny jeans and my black Paramore t-shirt after, of course, putting on my knee high penguin socks.

Instead of spending twenty minutes blowing drying my hair and hating how it turned out, I towel dried it enough that it wasn’t dripping and made my way into the kitchen.

What I saw surprised me. Sean was standing there, dressed in different clothes than he was last night, cooking away. Just making some waffles and bacon and eggs.

There were groceries all over the counters, just scattered everywhere, waiting to be put away.

Sean noticed me staring at him and smirked. “I know, I know. Eggs with cheese and little bits of ham.”

I didn’t know he would’ve remembered . . . but he did. Why did he remember? It had been three years, yet he remembered.

With a sheepish smile, I stepped into the kitchen and leaned back against the counter. Stella’s place wasn’t big, so it wasn’t a very big kitchen either. I didn’t mind, though. Being that close to Sean was always a good thing.

I pressed my lips together. “Need any help?”

“I’ve fucking got this,” he laughed. “Shoo.”

“Are you just being stubborn?” I asked, and I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yep.”

“Let me help you,” I insisted. “Come on, Boo Bear. I wanna help. But, speaking of help, how’d I get in my room?”

“Reedus carried you.”

Stella stood in the doorway, one eyebrow cocked in question and a bit surprised. Sean didn’t even look at her, just continued cooking. While I looked to Stella in question, she ignored me much like Sean ignored her and then sighed.

I carefully stepped past Sean and in front of the fridge. What I found in there was very disappointing.

“Fuck, Stell,” I grumbled. “You make me come all the way out here, and you don’t even have Mountain Dew? You broke my heart a little.”

Stella smirked. “Well, I mean, it was short notice. Besides, there’s no room. Too much alcohol and cranberry juice. Mountain Dew is a waste of space.”

And fuck, was she not kidding. The refrigerator was literally full of various types of alcohol—anything you could think of, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was somewhere in there—and a couple jugs of cranberry juice.

I turned to check in the cabinets, and sure enough, there were jugs of cranberry juice.
“How the fuck do you live?!”

Stella grinned sheepishly at me. “There’s a Chinese restaurant down the street that knows me by nickname.”

“You’re ridiculous,” I laughed. “No Ramen?”

She scoffed. “That shit’s hiding in the back. I don’t want anyone breaking in and taking it.”

“I was gonna be a bit concerned if Ramen wasn’t involved.” I looked at the bags of groceries sitting on the counter and sighed. “Stell, I’m not getting rid of this cranberry juice. I’m just relocating it, okay?”

Her eyes narrowed in suspicion and doubt. “Last time someone said that, they poured it down the sink and got a broken finger.”

“Well, since I’m in no mood for a broken finger, I think I’ll stick with moving it,” I assured her. She still didn’t look convinced, so I just ignored her and started putting some of the groceries away.

When I did, I found two things that caught me off guard. Thing one was a plastic mason jar cup, one with a red sparkly lid and a blue and red candy cane stripped straw sticking out the top.

Thing two, or things two, were at least six two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew, all just hiding out there.

My heart started racing as I looked to Stella, who had a very un-Stella-like smile on her lips, and she shook her head. The smile was genuine and happy, a smile Stella didn’t really give much.

I looked to Sean, who still wasn’t looking at me. He was still just cooking away, though he had much more bacon than he did before. So much bacon and waffles and yumminess.

I slid my arms around his waist and smiled, smiled because I felt safe and complete. Happy. Right. This was where I should be, and the fact that Sean remembered so much stupid shit about me, little quirks that Stella said just made me, well, me . . . it touched me deeper than he would ever really know, I think.

“Thank you, Sean.”

He didn’t smile, only lifted his arm and looked down at me. “Elli, I’m trying to cook. Leave me alone?”

And there it went, the joy he made me feel with the simple gestures . . . all gone. Sean never did that, never told me to leave him alone. There were times he told Stella he wanted to be alone, and when I showed up, he didn’t tell me to go. Never told me to leave him be. Just let me in.

But this . . . he pushed me away, told me to go . . . .

Stella looked as shocked as me, so shocked that her mouth hung open a bit. I felt the blood rush up to my face, and the room suddenly spun a little. It was stuffy, unbearably hot—fuck, it was worse than Savannah even—and I couldn’t just stand there and pretend he didn’t hurt me.

He did, and he didn’t even realize it.

So, I took a step back away from him and looked to my socks. They were fascinating, you know. Light blue with cute fat penguins in Santa hats and red scarves . . . totally adorable.

“Oh,” I said, but my voice seemed a bit off. It should’ve sounded off, but I didn’t want it to. I didn’t want him to know he hurt me because why did it hurt me? It shouldn’t have . . . . “Erm, okay then.”

And instead of sticking around and getting in the way some more, I shuffled nervously into the living room. It was a bit surprising to see Norman here, too, in a complete new set of clothes as well. Just sitting by the partially open window, blowing the smoke from his cigarette out of it.

I wanted to do the same. The urge was . . . harder to resist than I thought it would be. Stressed, a bit upset . . . a cigarette was just what I needed.

But it would only make Sean more upset with me, wouldn’t it? I hadn’t realized what I had done that made him so upset, but apparently it was pretty major.

My mind was a mess, so messy that I hadn’t the slightest clue what was buzzing around in there. I just stared as Norm smoked his cigarette, looking out the window at the city below him. The city he called his home.

And Stella didn’t make it any easier. She came in and went beside him, lit up herself, and watched the city, too.

Norman noticed her come over there, and he watched her as she looked out the window and smoked. This . . . absolutely adorable smile spread across his lips, only for a second, before he turned and looked right back out the window, as if it hadn’t happened.

Holy—fucking yes.
***
I wasn’t sure whose bright idea it was to walk around New York City all day, when it was, you know, fucking cold. I don’t just mean, “Well, I should probably wear a jacket.” No. I mean fucking cold. Jacket, pants, knee-high socks, fuzzy boots, penguin toboggan . . . I was freezing my ass off.

I blame Savannah. I blame Memphis. Fuck both of those places. They’re the reason my Southern ass was shivering the entire day, never able to get warm.

I was so cold that I couldn’t keep up with them. They weren’t walking fast or anything, but I was so fucking cold!

Sean was the first to notice, and he looked back to me with his blue eyes hiding all emotions. I hated it when he did that, and back in college, he promised to never do it again. To never hide anything from me.

Yet here he was . . . .

His eyes softened, however, when I stopped walking but still continued just shivering like a fucking druggie having withdrawals. “You alright, Sparks?”

I shook my head. “I don’t understand how you people live here. I’m dying back here of hypofuckingthermia. Can’t feel my toes.”

Norman laughed. “Told you this was gonna kill ya.”

“I haven’t been any farther North than Tennessee in, like, years,” I said, and my eyes narrowed. “Leave me alone.”

Stella surprised me when she scoffed. “Geez. I thought you two were supposed to be fucking gentlemen.” She immediately shed her jacket and wrapped it around me. “There ya go, girly.”

I gave her a grateful smile. “Don’t worry, Stell. You’re still the gentleman here. You’ll always be my gentleman.”

Stella surprised me when she spun around and smirked at Sean and Norman, all cocky and sassy-like. “Damn straight. This bitch is mine, fellas.”

Norman actually scoffed. “Fine by me. Flanery over here might have to disagree with that, though.”

Hearing Norman say this surprised Sean for some reason, but seeing his surprise only made my stomach churn. I didn’t remember much from the night before, so what was I missing that caused Sean to change so?

It was driving me crazy.

Stella took my mind back to the present, all of the people I was with instead of just the one that seemed to be as brokenhearted as I felt, by dramatically sighing. “Fine, Sean, fine. I’ll share with you like I did in college. But this time, I’m putting my fucking foot down. Only on weekends.”

Norman’s eyes immediately popped wide open, and he looked in between the three of us with this goofy and interested grin. “Man. You guys and your college stories.”

Stella scoffed. “Oh, darling, you have no idea.”

“And, you know, I made the mistake of thinking she had calmed down some since then,” I said, shrugging my shoulders a little as I snuggled into the warmth of Stella’s jacket. It was my size, but it was still extra warmth that helped out, a lot.

Sean rolled his eyes and shot me a grin. “Yeah, right. If she’s changed at all, it’s to get worse.”

Stella shrugged her shoulders and winked over at me. “Gotta have fun, baby girl.”

I took a deep breath. “I’m scared to ask. Don’t think I wanna know.”

“No, you don’t,” Sean sighed, but he refused to look at anyone.

Anyone except Stella. Stella looked to him as he said it, and the two shared this . . . look. A look that I didn’t understand, an all knowing look. She knew exactly what got him down, knew exactly what he meant.

Did they . . . ? They had to’ve. So many things they said and did all pointed towards a yes.

Sean and Stella fucked. Holy shit.

My heart felt like it was being squeezed inside my chest, and the cold was definitely getting to my lungs. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t really wrap my head around it all.

How did it happen? How often did it happen? I mean, why? Were they drunk? Sober? How long had they hidden it?

I felt like crying. Actually, crying seemed pretty damn inviting . . . .

It wasn’t my place to be upset, though. Wasn’t my right. Sean was my best friend, and sure, I loved him. Sure, Stella knew that, but, I mean, time had passed. He had moved on.

To her.

That was why she wanted me to let go of Sean and move on with my life just like he had.

Move on, Elli. Fucking move on!

It wasn’t that simple, but I was able to push the scattered emotions deep inside and let them sit for a little while. Until I was alone, they couldn’t resurface. No one needed to see me cry or anything.

That’d be embarrassing.

The conversation kinda died then, but everyone kept looking at me, making sure I was okay now. I still wasn’t warm, so they decided to get inside as fast as possible.

So, we hurried into this cute little café for a late lunch, around two or so, and the warmth from the food and people nestled inside was like heaven on earth. I actually let out a deep breath and smiled, something that made Sean laugh.

“You’re such a wimp,” he mocked. “You should come to New York more often. You’ll get used to it, believe me.”

“Well, I guess I’ll make a few more visits,” I said, and I shrugged a bit. “I mean, you guys are all here now, which is half of the people I care about, so . . . .”

Norman smirked from the other side of me. “You sure it’s not just Flanery?”

Sean rolled his eyes. “Yeah. I think she’d be more likely to come up here for you, Reedstein.”

Norman snorted. “She sees me all the time. If it was just me, she’d never come up here. Avoid my annoying ass as fucking often as she could.”

“Well . . . .”

Stella rolled her eyes at the three of us and pointed to the cashier, who was waiting rather impatiently for us to order. I don’t think she recognized Sean and Norman, which was a bit relieving. Maybe she did, but she wasn’t star struck like the people last night had been.

Norman handed her his debit card. “We’re all four together.” And he immediately found this strange sandwich. It sounded absolutely horrifying, and to make it worse, he told them to make sure there was extra mustard.

Ew, mustard.

I quietly gave her my order of “fries and a grilled cheese with a Coke” and shuffled over to a four-person both in the corner. Norman sat down, too, but unlike last night, he sat across from me.

I took a deep breath and slid out of Stella’s jacket. The place was warm enough that I was able to shed a layer and not nearly freeze to death.

“Oh, by the way,” I murmured. “Thanks for taking me to bed last night. I fucking passed out.”

Norman looked confused, and his confusion only confused me. “What are you talking about? I didn’t take you to bed. Sean did.”

That was . . . surprising. Sean had? But why did he say Norman?

Why was he pushing me away?

Oh.

He thought . . . .

Oh.

Ew.

I immediately cleared my throat and began rubbing my temples. “That fucking man . . . dear goodness.”

Norman gave me a small smirk. “I know. Thinks I like you or some stupid shit like that. Don’t worry, El. I’ll take care of it. Just don’t let him push you away?”

And as much as I hated admitting it, just like I could never hate Sean, nothing he could ever do would push me so far that I would never want to see him again.

Nothing would stop me from loving him, and nothing would stop me from wanting to be his.

This was it, though. Now or fucking never. It was time to man up and stop beating around the bush. Stop waiting on things to just happen because from the way I saw it, things weren’t gonna just “happen.” If one of us didn’t man up, nothing ever would.

Sean had a crush on me in college. I always fucking knew it, and I knew I had a crush on him, too. I was always so scared, though. Scared of losing my best friend, the person I kinda depended on sometimes.

Now, I wasn’t sure if he had moved on, wasn’t sure exactly what was going on, but I couldn’t take this shit forever. I had to know if any feelings still existed with him, if this was just something that could never be. I didn’t think so, however, because with Sean . . . I always felt like it could be a forever. I felt like God made him for me, and vice versa.

I just had to tell him. Now or fucking never.