From Under the Cork Tree

Just like I predicted, I was fine once Beatz called me on his way to the venue. My stomach didn't knot and my heart swelled with love for him. It was as if my love for Beatz grew tenfold. It amazed me and gave me a slight high feeling madly in love. I missed him greatly, I could barely look at his pictures without shedding a tear.

I managed to keep my emotions in check when I went into work with Rae. She and I hung out like before, we worked out, we had sleepovers and we even went to theme parks to pass the time. All the while she was talking nearly every hour with Andy, and Pete would chime in on their conversations to be annoying, or he'd call me to bug me. Even with Beatz on tour with him, he would get in on our conversations; we knew it was all in good fun. Pete never called me unless Andy was talking to Rae, or if he was near Beatz who was talking to me.

Then, the last few stops of Warped tour that came to California, he called me. The tour was in Northern California, near the mountains; Pete told me this after I answered. He sounded a little drunk, I wasn't entirely sure.

"I see big snow caps," he mumbled, "it's crazy."

"Are you alright, Pete?" I asked him.

Pete hummed, "Am I keepin' you 'wake, Angelus?"

It was 6AM; I had to be up for a shoot in Venice, so I wasn't even worried about the time.

"No, no. I'm just wondering if you were okay. Are you drunk?"

Pete exhaled, "A little...I have some xanax too. I'm kinda stone...I got high with the guys from MCR."

"Oh," I knew who they were but not personally. "Why are you high? Shouldn't you be asleep or somethin'?"

"I don't sleep," he slurred, then hissed, "I'm a vampire!"

I smiled to myself, "Okay, Mr. Vampire, why're you calling me?"

"I dunno...you're the only girl friend I have. I wanted ta ask ya something."

"Yeah?"

He was quiet for a minute, then he said, "This is between you, me, and God, okay?"

I cocked a brow, but agreed, "Okay."

He swallowed loudly, "I'm homesick..." He trailed, "And my friend Nick called me up 'n' told me that," he paused, "Morgan slept with Chris 'n' Evan."

"Morgan's your girlfriend?" I asked; he hummed, confirming, "And Chris and Evan are your friends?"

"Yeah," he muttered in a slur. "It hurts, Angel. Like someone kicked me in the chest, ya'know?"

I nodded to myself, "Yes, I know how that feels, Wentz."

"A dude cheated on you? Was it John? I'll kick his ass," he spewed quickly.

I chuckled, "No, it was way before Beatz. Some high school sweetheart...it was years ago, but I know how it feels and it doesn't feel good."

He hiccuped, "'Sho' doesn't. Girls nev'a like me for me...they always want somethin'!"

"You're a nice guy, Pete," I murmured, "one day you'll find a girl who loves you for you."

He was quiet, the silence ate at me for well over two minutes. Pete breathed deeply, cursing under his breath, "I don't know what to do, Angelus...feels like someone kicked my heart 'n the ass."

I smiled, "Yeah, it's gonna hurt for awhile, you should keep yourself busy, not intoxicated, and don't think about her."

"You're right. My mind is all fucked up, you know?" He sounded sober now. "I'm not normal like everyone else."

"No one is normal, Pete."

"Nah, Angel, I mean...like I'm fucked up in the head. I'm not right."

"You're not alone, buddy," I murmured.

"Are you fucked in the head too?" He asked softly.

"I've had my moments," I answered.

"I'm bipolar...I have hallucinations, sometimes they're so bad I have to be sedated. I'm borderline schizophrenic."

My jaw slacked, "My dad--he's--he's been on medication for that since I was a kid. I have some experience with that."

"Are you?"

"No...I mean, I don't think so. I've had bad depression spells...I've hurt myself before."

He sighed, "I'm not sayin' this cuz I'm drunk or crazy, but I think I met you for'a reason."

I shook my head, "Maybe so."

"I never told anyone any of this stuff b'fore," he swallowed, "I can trust you?"

"Yes, you can trust me."

"I trust you," he stated quietly. "Thanks for listening ta me, Angelus...I owe you. 'N' 'm really sorry for bein' a dick ta you."

"I've dealt with worse, Wentz, don't worry about it."

"John is one lucky guy."

I laughed, "And your future girl is gonna have her hands full."

"Don't I know it."

Talked with Pete for another 20 minutes; he passed out and hung up. I hung up, sat on my bed and thought about poor Pete Wentz. I felt sorry for his homesickness and being cheated on; no one deserved that, especially Pete. He had told me he'd get over it, it would be easy, he said he'll write a song and move on. But, I figured that I got the answers to why he would shy away from me, and I was glad.

It was true my family struggled with depression; my dad was schizophrenic, he was on a lot of medication to help. My mom would get in a funk when my dad was near the edge, and I used to believe that it was all my fault; for being born, or not being smart, or not having a lot of friends. My dad would cut himself, he would cry that he just wanted to feel. I would cut myself to release the tension built up in my veins, and to feel pain that wasn't internal. We all got help, we were all on depression medications and we all saw therapist; it took years but we all got through it with our heads above water.

I was sure I was gonna help Pete if he needed it.

As I began to get ready for work, I wondered if Beatz ever felt like we had. He was 30, he's lived longer than me, he must've. He never told me anything like it; he didn't have scars like me, he was never on medication. Beatz was always happy, always had a smile on his face, so I didn't really know if he had felt so hopeless that he wanted to take his life. I had hoped not, I couldn't even imagine the love of my life not smiling or not being a little happy. Beatz was always full of happiness, joy, jokes and smiles; I tried to picture him sad, but it was near impossible.

I hoped that I wouldn't ever see him sad.


Pete and I talked two more times before Rae and I went to Warped to see Andy and Beatz. We got backstage passes, and parted once we Bayside's booth. I hugged Rae and watched her rush off to find Andy; Beatz came over and wrapped his long arms around me.

"Jeez, I think you can wrap them twice 'round me," I giggled.

He kissed my forehead, "If I could, I would. How ya been, babe?"

"Since we hung up 15 minutes ago?" He squeezed my body in his embrace, "I'm peachy."

"I missed you," he let me go, wrapping one arm around my shoulders, "let's go get a drink."

Beatz and I talked a bit as we walked around the kids and adults flooding the booths and carts. We usually talked about nothing, but we started to talk about getting married. Almost immediately my stomach erupted in butterflies; I was still slightly in shock that I was actually marrying him.

"I think January 5th should be the day," he said as we got to the booth with drinks and food. Beatz ordered two beers, handing me one, "Whadda think?"

I shrugged, "Whatever you want."

He smirked at me, "This is your day. I'm just a side dish, you're the main course."

I blushed, my face was hot, "Yeah, but I really don't care. We could get married tomorrow, I'd be happy."

He wrapped his arm around me, leading the way around everyone, "We could get married tomorrow, but my mom wants to be there."

"January 5th it is," I agreed, "I kinda wanna do it in New York."

He smiled at me, "Really?"

I nodded, "Of course. I was thinking too, that maybe...maybe I'll move there to be with you. We can get a little apartment, I'll find a job--"

Beatz cut me off by kissing me; I was dumbstruck, dropping my plastic cup full of beer. Someone hooted, another clapped, and I knew my face would be beet red. When he break away, he had a shit eating grin on his face, "I love you."

I wanted to slug him, but I could only grin back and feel my heart thumping manically, "I love you too."