From Under the Cork Tree

The next couple of weeks passed by quickly; by the end of July, Beatz was back in LA with me. Again, we lazed around my house, watching TV, eating, listening to music, or fooling around. In between those days, I spoke with Pete, who had become a close confidant.

There was something about my and Pete's relationship that made me feel like I had something more than just the little slice of normalcy, as weird as it sounds. He's outrageous and famous, he's wanted, and yet, when we talk, he's this totally normal guy. Aside from Rae, he's become my best friend, and it was the same for him -or so he tells me.

Pete always called me whenever he felt alone, which was a lot, and told me things he says he never told anyone. I'm not sure why, but he did, he trusts me, and I trust him. He vented, but more than often, he called me just to talk. I felt for him, because I knew the mental anguish he was going through, and I knew it was hard feeling alone, even with people in the room. I wanted Pete to know he wasn't alone, that I would always be there, and that he didn't have to suffer alone anymore.

Just before Beatz was going to leave in August for the Never Sleep Again tour, Pete had come over to my place and had lunch and decided to stay with us for the weekend. Out of all things, I was surprised Beatz didn't get upset that Pete was constantly calling and hanging out with me. He trusted me, and I knew if never betray him, I'd never cheat, I wouldn't jeopardize the rest of my life with him. He engaged in a conversation with Pete, then by nightfall, when Beatz crashed in my bed, Pete took my couch, watching the TV, the volume low.

For once I was cleaning up, getting a pillow and blanket for Pete before retiring myself, "Here you go. Need anything?"

Pete shook his head, taking the blanket and quilt from me, "Nah, I'm good, Angel, thanks."

I smiled softly, "Alright, I'm gonna head off to bed--"

He stopped me, "Wait...will you just, uh, hang for a few minutes?"

I agreed, not thinking fully about it. We often sat together and just talked. Pete talks a lot, I don't mind it, I wanted him to vent so he wouldn't keep it all bottled up. I didn't want him to get sick like my father; from stressing my father got ulcers in his stomach.

"I wanna thank you," he murmured as I sat beside him. "Like, really, Angelus, thanks for letting me intrude on your life."

I chuckled, "You don't have to thank me, Pete. I know it's tough for you, I only want to help and be your friend."

"You're my best friend," he hung his head, looking away from me, and began to fix the quilt over his lap. "You're one of the few girls whose let me in without wanting something in return."

I had nothing to say to that. I knew Pete was becoming raw again. I was a little uneasy, I never wanted him to bare himself unless he wanted to.

"I don't know what to do," he confessed softly, "I don't know how to do this rock star stuff, especially with my fucked up mind."

"You don't have to be a rock star, Pete."

"It's not that easy to fall off the face of the earth when everyone's seen your dick and follows your band."

I cocked a brow, "What? Seen your dick?"

He smiled up at me, "You don't know?"

I shook my head, "No."

He cleared his throat, "I, uh, took pictures of my dick for this girl I liked, I don't know why," he added quickly, "I think I was mad about Morgan. Anyway, the girl sent them to her friend, and her friend put them on her blog."

I frowned deeply, "That's so messed up! When did that happen?"

"March," he said, "just before we met."

"I'm sorry, that must've been horrible," I exhaled.

"I'm over it, but it haunts me, ya'know? I don't think anyone will let me live it down or let me disappear from the public eye. I don't wanna be famous anymore."

"I'm sorry," I repeated myself. "If it's any consolation, I...um, I can't have kids, and that haunts me most of the time. I think about what I'll tell John when he wants to have kids."

His brows shot up, "For real? Shit, I'm sorry...you can adopt though, right?"

"Yeah, I know, but it's not the same. I'd like to have the option, have a piece of myself living and breathing, but I can't. So, you and me have things we can't change no matter how badly we wish to."

Pete gave a nod, "So...John doesn't know about you...?" He trailed.

I shook my head, "No. I don't know how to tell him. That's the only thing I'm keeping from him...it's hard to tell someone that you're infertile, especially someone you plan to spend the rest of your life with."

"You think he's gonna leave you or somethin'?" Pete questioned, shifting on the couch.

I shrugged, not sure what to say. I hadn't thought it through that maybe Beatz would leave me if I told him. I was suddenly scared, but tried to think positively.

Pete spoke up, breaking my panicked thoughts, "He won't. He loves you too much, you can see it when he looks at you, Angel."

My mind calmed, "Really?"

Pete nodded, "Yeah. It's real love, Ang."

I smiled, my heart warmed, "Maybe it'll be easy to tell him then. I'm not sure when though, it's not something you spring up on someone."

"Just talk to him about your future and shit," Pete said plainly, causing me to chuckle. "He'll be okay, you'll be okay, and then there'll be a winter wedding."

My smile burned my cheeks as I listened and took Pete's words to heart, "You're something else, Pete Wentz, I swear. I think they broke the mold when they made you."

He grinned that big cocky smile at me, "What can I say? I'm one of a kind baby!"

I slugged his arm playfully, "Of course you are. You should sleep, I know you gotta get up and go record tomorrow."

"How do you know?" He asked as I stood.

"Rae told me, she and Andy wanted alone time, that's why they didn't come over."

Pete smirked, "Those two, I swear, they're like one person."

I ruffled his hair, causing him to smile child-like this time, at me, "Goodnight, Wentz."

He winked at me, "Night, Rush."


After Pete left the next morning, it was just John and I in bed. He was half asleep, checking his messages on his phone. I was getting the nerve to tell him my big secret; Pete had given me the courage to tell John.

I rolled closer to him, wrapping my arm around his waist beneath the covers. He smiled lazily at me, "Hey, feelin' frisky?"

I giggled, "Not really, I just wanna talk to you about something important."

He looked seriously at me, his eyes opening a bit more, "What's up, sugar?"

I started to get a little nervous, "Uh...I...really do love you, but I've been keeping something from you."

He frowned slightly, "You fuck Wentz?"

I frowned right back at him, "No! No, Beatz, I would never."

He laughed and then kissed me quickly, "I'm relieved, baby. So, what is it?"

I sat up, my hand trailing across his lower stomach absentmindedly, "Since we're, uh, you know getting married and starting our lives together, I just--I should tell you that...I...um," I paused, my hand stopped moving.

John sat up and took my hand in his, "Angelus, you can tell me anything. It's okay."

I swallowed, "I can't...have babies."

I couldn't look at him. I couldn't see the look on his face. I just couldn't. My stomach was in my throat, like I had fallen 100 feet. I was sure the look on John's face would read disappointment; I waited for him to let go of my hand and slide out the bed, grab his clothing and leave.

But, he didn't.

"Angel," he said my name softly, "look at me."

I bit down hard on my bottom lip and looked up at him. He had a small smile, and this light in his eyes. I was confused, "Are you gonna leave now?" I asked.

He shook his head, "No, why would I?"

"Because I kept this from you," I muttered, "this is a huge deal! I can't give you--"

He cut me off, "Angelus, I don't care about that. I mean, I care that it bothers you, but I don't care if you kept it from me. It's your business, not mine."

"It is yours," I said, "we're getting married...do you not want to have kids?"

"I do, but not this very second," he kissed my cheek, "we can adopt a baby, you know? Or get a surrogate; we got options, Lus, don't worry about it."

My stomach relaxed back down into my gut. I felt more relieved than I ever have in my entire life.

I wrapped my arms around John, "I'm so relieved."

"You really thought I would leave you?" He asked softly.

"I didn't know what you would do. I was just scared and I felt so selfish...Pete told me to tell you."

He ran his hand up and down my arm, "Thank God for Wentz, eh?"

I chuckled, "I guess so."

"He told me that you've helped him a lot," John added. "You're a great friend."

"We just have similar lives and I wanted to help him."

He kissed the side of my head, "I love you, babe."

I smiled, holding him tighter, "I love you too, Beatz."