From Under the Cork Tree

John held me close to him as he prepared to board his plane. He had held me for the past hour, and when his flight was announced and boarding, we stood up and hugged for a good 2 minutes. I was crying, my stomach churned wildly, and I felt so scared and worried about him leaving. My heart was beating so fast, I knew I was going to throw up, and I feared, deathly feared, letting go of my husband. There was a force inside wanting me to hold onto John.

"Baby, I have to go," he said regretfully.

"No," I whined, "please don't go."

John let me go, he held my forearms, and almost knelt to look me in the eyes, "Baby giving you problems?"

I nodded; I felt like a child under his gaze, like a little girl saying goodbye to her daddy. But I just wouldn't let him go. The tears were pouring from my eyes, "I don't want you to go, Beatz."

He looked worried, "Why? You were okay awhile ago."

"I know, but there's...something making me feel scared. Like I can't let you get on that plane."

John kissed me softly and gently, reassuringly; after, he sighed and hugged me, rocking me slowly, "I'll be alright, Angel, I promise you."

I started to sob as I held onto him tight. Over the air, the final announcement for boarding was called. My heart thumped uncomfortably in my throat. I had to let him go, no matter how hard it was.

"I gotta go, baby," he murmured atop of my head. "I'll call you as soon as I land, and then you'll be with me in 7 days."

I nodded slowly, letting go of him sadly, "I love you."

He smiled down at me, "I love you too. I'll see you soon."

John slipped away from my grasp and made his way towards the gate. I inhaled sharply, letting the tears roll down my cheeks and then under my chin. He waved at me, smiling before disappearing down the tunnel to his plane. I didn't move until the door shut and I knew John was officially gone and on the plane. I didn't feel any better, not even when I saw the plane take off and disappear into the light blue sky, beyond the clouds.


I spent the week talking to John, but the unnerving worry never left. I talked to my little fist baby in my belly all the time, telling him or her that everything would be okay. Work was a hassle, and talking to anyone but John was a struggle in itself; my mind was always on John and worrying if he was okay, because my brain had somehow reworked it's way of thinking about his well being.

I managed to get through the few days of work, and get the okay to fly, both from Dr. Gwen and Dora. Rae was going to stay at my apartment until Andy, and the band, would arrive on Sunday. I was happy that I wasn't leaving her completely lonely; my parents were going to be busy working on a surprise for me. I had yet to figure out what the surprise was, I knew it was going to be big and well thought of, my parents are great gift givers. And with Rae staying upstairs, she would be able to watch over our dogs while they were out doing what they were doing.

Rae helped me pack, and drove me to the airport after I said goodbye to my parents. We talked and joked about my baby on the way; "What are you hoping for, boy or girl?"

I shrugged, my eyes wondering over at the other cars surpassing us, "It doesn't matter much to me. Beatz wants a girl."

Rae cooed, "That'll be cute! You'll have a little baby girl who looks like you."

"If baby is a girl, I hope she'll look like her daddy."

"Have you thoughts of names?"

I scoffed a laugh, "Beatz wants to name our baby after rock stars! Ramona Cash for a girl, and Johnny Axl for a boy. He is crazy."

"Ramona is cute, you got to give that to him."

"Yeah, but I don't think I'll let Cash get on that birth certificate. If we have a boy, I'm definitely picking his name..." My lips turned up at the thought of my husband, my hand immediately went to my stomach, "I'm gonna name him after Beatz and my dad."

"Jonathan Christian?"

I hummed, confirming, "Yep. I'm really excited about this, I never thought this could happen."

"I'm happy and excited for you, Angel," she patted my knee.

"Thanks. I still haven't told Pete," I mentioned softly.

"They've been busy," Rae explained, "I could barely speak with Andy for more than 15 minutes."

"You two are obsessed."

She laughed, "I love him, what do you expect?"

"I get it, I feel the same way about John right now," I thought about my feelings of fear while John was gone, "there's been something eating away at me...I think it's hormones, I've been scared."

"Scared of what?" Rae asked curiously, her eyes wandering over to me momentarily and then back on the road.

"I don't know," I muttered, feeling annoyed with myself, "I have no idea, and it's pissing me off. I'm just so...so fearful about him being away, and I don't get it."

"Is it like a premonition?" She inquired; you could tell she was taking me seriously.

"I don't think so...I haven't--there's no warning I feel. It's just this overwhelming worry I have whenever I hang up with him, or when he leaves. It's sickening."

"I think it's your hormones," she said simply. "Pregnancies are very unpredictable, Angelus."

I agreed, "Yeah...I just wish it would go away."


I was calm and excited once I was on the plane. Within half an hour I was asleep, in the middle row with no one to my left. I curled up the best I could and fell asleep; I was awaken by a stewardess, who kindly helped me up and helped me get my carry on. I followed after the people in front of me, barely registering that I was in New York, but as soon as I smelt coffee, it hit me.

My eyes scanned the thinning crowd, and I jumped for joy when I saw John looking for me with his younger brother Mike. Mike spotted me first; I almost sworn he was John; they're the same height, only Mike's hair is shoulder length and curlier than John's.

Mike waved at me, smiling and I quickly rushed over, hugging him first and then was pulled away by John. We all laughed softly; John held me tight against him, "Oh, baby, I missed you so fuckin' much."

I chuckled, "Ditto."

"Hey, don't I get a hello?" Mike cut in, coughing obnoxiously.

I smiled and let John go, "I hugged you first, Mikey. But, hello there, I missed you as well."

Mike grinned back at me (the Holohan smile was heart stopping and knee weakening), "Miss ya too. Even ma did."

I cocked a brow, skeptical, "You sure?"

He shrugged sheepishly, while John took my hand, "She asked about you, so I'm sure she did."

I shook my head, "Okay, whatever you say, guys. Let's get going, I'm starving and sleepy."

After getting my luggage, the guys led the way out of JFK. I curled up in the backseat of Mike's SUV and fell right back asleep; the brothers talked and laughed softly, and music played underneath their voices. I felt in total bliss, until I was awaken by John touching and then shaking my shoulder, "Babe?"

I groaned in protest, but got up; rubbing my eyes clear of sleep, I managed to get out the car. Almost immediately, my heart sunk low into my stomach upon laying eyes on the Holohan property. John's family owned a large stable with horses; his mother, Perry, was a vet, and his father, Bob trained the horses and ponies for shows, and races. I met his parents a handful of times; Bob was sweet and kind, quiet too, he actually liked me. Perry was hard on me, as I had stated before, in her eyes I wasn't good enough for John, I don't believe any girl ever was.

Perry was very passive aggressive with me and never outright said hurtful words, just her actions showed that she didn't like me. I kept my cool, always, around her, and made a point to smile and keep all negative thoughts and feelings to myself. I think me keeping quiet made her hate me even more.

So, when we went inside, I made sure to keep my thoughts clear and positive. John had announced my arrival, and I was met by both Bobby's; we exchanged hugs and hellos. Then, Perry came in, and her eyes met mine...then they trailed down and her hands flew up to her mouth.

"Oh no!" She cried through a cupped mouth, and then ran out the room.

We all looked at one another, all frowning at Perry's outburst. John squeezed my hand, and then leaned into my ear, "Go sit with my dad and brothers, I'll talk to her."

I was reluctant, but I nodded, agreeing, and then followed his dad and brothers to the living room. The room was quiet, but within a few moments, you could hear Perry growl and say, "She's pregnant, John, don't you dare lie to me!"

All eyes were on me, all blues confused and focused in on me. I sighed deeply, "It's true," I confirmed.

Mike and Bobby smiled, both saying how awesome it was, and Bob pat my back, "Perry'll come around."

The room was silent again, then we heard them come in towards us; I looked up at them. Perry looked at me, our eyes met, she looked so upset, prompting me to want to cry. John looked upset too, only he looked more so annoyed, like he was frustrated and stuck. He waved me over, "Babe, c'mere."

I went over to him, he was standing ahead of his mom, and let him pulled me into his arms. We looked at his brothers and father, "Me and Angel got married two weeks ago," John announced, "we're having a baby."

Bob grinned and stood, "That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you two!"

His dad hugged us, followed by Bobby and Mike. Perry had maneuvered around us and plopped herself on the recliner with a huff, and didn't say anything to me, or anyone else until the hugs were over. She sighed very dramatically, "This is ridiculous, Jonathan. She's a little girl!"

I had heard that before, and I always thought it was silly. John is only 7 years older than me, none of it was ever a problem until I met his mom.

"She's 24, Perry!" Bob exclaimed, "And John's grown up, he can make his own decisions."

Perry's eyes were on John and I, seated on the larger couch with Bob, "What about her dream wedding?" She mocked, "Didn't she want an extravagant event?"

I frowned at her, and began, feeling the anger and heat in my chest, "Hey, I'm not the one who asked him to marry me! He asked me, I was okay with just being his girlfriend! It didn't even matter to me if we got married, John's the one who picked the date. I don't want any lavish wedding, Mrs. Holohan, I want the wedding to be us celebrating with family and friends, that's all!"

John's arm that was around my waist pulled me tighter against him. I was fuming mad, the tears prickled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks without a fight. Perry was silent, she just looked at me with her hurricane hazel eyes wide and her light pink lips parted in awe.

"I love your son, Mrs. Holohan, I will until my life is over," I continued in a softer voice, wiping my tears away, "I would do anything for him, and all I want from him is to love me back, and he does. And..." I inhaled, ready to tell her my secret, "I was told when I was a teenager that I was infertile, that I wouldn't have children..." My throat grew tight, I had to stop, it felt too extreme to tell her.

John held me against him even tighter, "Angel barely told me she was infertile. We made this baby, and he or she is a miracle, mom. Why can't you set aside your discomfort and be happy for me? I'm gonna be a dad."

I started to cry harder, hearing him say all that tore me up. I wrapped my arms around him, holding in a blubbering sob. He rubbed my back, comforting me.

I didn't hear anything; I wasn't sure if anyone was talking. All I heard was John's heart beating fast in his chest, and the blood rushing in my ears. I finally lifted my head up, sniffed, and faced his family.

"I'm sorry," Perry murmured, "it's just hard to believe someone could love my son as much as you do and be faithful. And you're young, Angelus, you have to understand where I'm coming from."

I felt better, the anger faded quickly.

"Yes, I do, but I told you countless times that I love him. He's the only man I'll ever want, I promise, Beatz is my soulmate."

Bobby and Mike chuckled, shaking their heads. Perry smiled, nodded and then stood up, making her way to me. I stood too, John's hand slipping down my back.

"I apologize to you, Angelus," she said, "I'll get over my uneasiness...I'm happy you make my son happy, and I think it was crazy that you two married without telling or inviting us--"

I cut her off to assure her, "It was his idea, and my parents weren't there either."

She laughed softly, then held out her arms, "Welcome to the family, Angelus."

I was struck dumb, but hugged her, letting her repeat her sorries until we parted. She exhaled and looked down at my torso, "So...a baby, huh? When is baby due?"