From Under the Cork Tree

Over the next few days, Pete stayed at my place and we hung out, playing games and lying in my baby's new room, staring at the ceiling and talking. We talked a lot, more so than we usually did on the phone, I was truly seeing Pete in a new light, he was turning into my closest friend. He would be my first male best friend, so I didn't just set him as my best friend, because that was Rae, and Rae was building her life with Andy, I didn't set her aside, and I never will.

John would call and we would talk usually when Pete was out with the band. It was as if I had John in the morning and Pete at night, a set of encouraging supporters. But, I needed John more than anything, he's the love of my life and the only man I felt like I could ever be with, and I wasn't mad about it.

We talked extensively about my doctor appointment, and if I was sleeping well, if I was taking my vitamins; he was making sure I was getting it all together. I told him to be careful overseas, and when he returned to the states, I told him to be careful in the icy towns upstate. My worrisome woes were coming back, and it made me sick a lot of the time. I kept it to myself, but John, and Pete, seemed to know me well enough to question my worried tones and features, of course I had to confess.

John told me not to worry, while Pete cheered me up and told me that things would be okay. I would talk about my feelings a lot to John, telling him how much I missed him, and how queasy I was when we didn't talk.

"I'll be home before you know it," he had said softly, assuring me. "I love you and baby."

Now I was afraid that maybe I was going to lose our baby. I tried not to stress, I didn't want to hurt my baby, I was sure that this was the reason why I was so scared and worried all the time. I even had dreams that I lost the baby, John left me, and I was left all alone. I literally saw a glass globe, in my dreams, crash and shatter, and I had gotten on my knees, bloodying them, trying to put the pieces back together. I would wake up sweating and not knowing where I was until my heart stopped beating so fast and I could breathe normally.

Pete didn't know about my crazy dreams, he would either stay up and watch TV in my living room, or out on the balcony smoking, or he would sleep like a rock in my bed. He had crazy dreams too, I felt him on more than one occasion jump in his sleep, and moan frighteningly, I had to wake him twice, but I never asked about it, and he never indulged, he had seemed embarrassed. Our dreams were the only things he and I never spoke about, even though I was getting restless and I knew I had to talk to him or John soon about it all.


Rae and I accompanied the guys to, as Pete said, the greatest secret Halloween shop in LA. It was only 8 days until Halloween, and I hadn't gotten a costume, neither had Joe and Pete. Patrick and Andy didn't want one, they just came to get out and do something.

The drive to the Halloween store, my stomach was doing terrible flip flops. I pressed my hand to my growing bump, telepathically telling my baby to calm down. Right before we got to the store, I had told Pete to stop so I could throw up.

When we finally arrived, I wasn't in the mood to do anything but sit in the SUV and try to make myself feel better, but Pete made me go inside. So, I sulked like a child, walking between Pete and Joe; inside, there was not that many people there, it was cold and quiet, except for Halloween music playing on the PA system. Pete took in a deep breath and said, "Ahhh, don't you just love the smell of Halloween?"

"You mean cheap plastic and that sugary taste of fake blood?" I started with a chipped tone, "Fuckin' love it."

Pete put his arm around my shoulder, "Quit bein' a Sulking Sally, Angelus."

I rolled my eyes, clearly annoyed, "Quit bein' a Perky Pete, Wentz," I elbowed his ribs.

He grunted, but recovered quick, laughing it off.

That's how it went for the next 45 minutes; I was sick, getting annoyed, and craving tacos. I wanted to go home and eat, then cry because of the twisted feelings I had in my stomach and the terrible feelings in my chest. Rae had even taken me aside and hugged me, asking me what was wrong.

"I miss John," I began to cry, only just a bit, "I can't stop the scary feelings anymore, Rae. They're...it's getting bigger 'n bigger, 'n I don't know what to do."

Rae hugged me tighter, "Want me to take you to the doctor?"

I shook my head, "I'm afraid to go. I went last week, everything was fine, but I've..." I swallowed, "I haven't felt okay since then, it's getting worse...what if I lost my baby?"

Rae patted and rubbed my back, "I'm sure everything is fine, I think you're just jittery. Has the baby moved?"

I nodded, "Just a little bit, but the doctor said I wouldn't feel a lot of movement for awhile."

"Oh, love, I reckon it's only nerves, and that you miss Beatz," Rae smiled and continued to rub my back.

Rae's words made me feel a little better, but the worry didn't falter, it only dissipated a bit. She hugged me again, knowing that I was still worried, Rae knows me inside and out, just like John and Pete. She put her arm around my shoulders and led the way back to where the guys were.

Immediately, Pete had taken me off Rae's hands, and Andy took my place; they set off, leaving myself with Pete. Pete looked upset, like a wounded animal, "You okay? Did I do somethin'?" He asked.

"No," I said with a shake of my head. "No, Pete, my stomach is twisting and I'm hungry."

Pete smiled, softly, "Don't worry about that, I'll feed you. I can't piss Beatz off."

"You act like I'm a pet," I laughed, "I'll be fine."

"Cool," he patted my back, "I found you the perfect costume."

"What is it?" I asked him, ready to hear something distasteful.

Pete grinned, then pulled a costume package from the rack and he held it up. I laughed and smiled back, seeing a skeleton costume with a baby skeleton on the belly. I cooed, and hugged him, "It's perfect! I was expecting something filthy."

He chuckled as he hugged me back, "What? That hurts that you think I would give you something dirty to wear."

I patted his cheek, letting him go, "It's great, Pete, thanks. I already have the skull design in my head."


The party was planned out, and Pete was dying to throw it. He spent the rest of the week trying to make everything perfect. I spent my week talking to John, letting his voice calm me down. I told him about my days, about my costume and how much I missed him. John told me about the pranks they were pulling on tour; it made me miss him even more.

"I can't wait to see you," I murmured. "I really hate to go to a party while you're touring."

He chuckled, "Babe, it's cool, I want you and baby to have fun."

I was feeling sad again, feeling terrible and homesick for John.

"I miss you," I told him again sadly, "I really, really, really miss you, John."

"I know, Angel, but I'll be home before you know it. I love and miss you too."

I was tearing up, wiping my face with my sleeve, "I hate these hormones."

Again, he laughed, "Mom said you'll crave weird food soon."

I groaned, "Is that why I put mayo on my tacos last night."

"Geez, Angel, do you eat tacos every night?" He muttered in a jesting tone.

I hummed, sniffling, "Only when I want them...which is every night."

"You gotta eat healthier, baby."

"I know, I've been eating blueberries dripping in melted chocolate."

"That sounds good," he groaned, causing me to giggle.

John and I talked for a little while longer; we only hung up when he had to go to sound check. He told me to eat healthier and to try and have fun at the Halloween party the following night. I said I would, but I had a feeling I wouldn't.

The dread was back almost in an instant. I stood up slowly, then felt bile rushing up my throat. I ran to the bathroom and began to throw up in the toilet, trying to hold my hair back.