From Under the Cork Tree

The day of Fall Out Boy's Halloween party, Rae and I got ready at their place. I was putting on my skeleton makeup, making sure it was done well. Rae was going as Pocahontas, Andy was her Jungle Man; Pete was going as himself, as he had said, Joe was going as Patrick, and Patrick asked to stay at my house and look after my dog, while my parents were at one of their friend's parties. I didn't mind, I was actually thankful for it, I didn't have to worry about trick 'r treaters TPing my house because I didn't have candy.

While we got ready, I was still feeling sick. It was getting worse and worse by the hour, and it was hard not to keep calm. I had thrown up several times, ruining my makeup. Rae had to sit with me, her hand rubbing my back, "Was it something you ate?" She asked.

I shrugged, "I don't know," I swallowed bile, "oh God!"

Rae followed me to the toilet, patting my back as I threw up; she didn't have to hold my hair, it was already pinned back. She did get up, get a washcloth, wet it for me, and when I groaned as I fell back onto the floor, she was beside me, wiping my face.

"Thanks," I mumbled.

She wiped away my makeup, her face was contorted into concern, "Should I take you to the hospital then?"

"I don't know," I said softly, "I'm scared, 'n I don't wanna ruin Pete having a good time worryin' about me."

"Pete'll be fine," Rae said with a small chuckle, "even though he's in love wit' ya."

I rolled my eyes, "He is not."

Rae sucked her teeth, "Oh, my God, I wasn't aware you were dumb, deaf and blind."

I snickered, then slowly stood up with her, "It's not like that with him, and I'm a married woman, he knows that."

"Uh-huh, but it's not stoppin' him from thinkin' 'bout you."

I leaned against the counter, "Yeah, so I don't wanna hurt his feelings."

"He'll understand, Angelus, you're not feelin' too good," Rae rubbed my back, "get out of this costume and lemme take you to the hospital."

I exhaled, then looked up at my reflection in the mirror. I looked a wreck; my face had a green tint to it that was fading, my hair was coming loose, I basically looked too ill to be participating in a party.

"Okay," I breathed, "I'll go to the hospital."

Rae smiled and helped me back to Andy's bedroom, where we originally had been getting ready. We both changed, and headed to the living room where Pete and Andy were. They cocked their brows at us, simultaneously, from the couch; Pete then frowned, "Why aren't you guys dressed--" he stopped himself and stood, "Jesus Christ, Angel, what's wrong?"

Rae rubbed my back again, "She isn't feeling too well, so I'm taking her to the hospital."

"I'll take her," Pete offered, "you stay here, Rae."

"No," I cut in, "Pete, this is your party, I'll be okay."

"It's not gonna be fun with me knowin' you're in the hospital, I'll just go with you," Pete said quickly, but then he paused, looking as if he was processing it in his head, "if it's okay with you guys?"

Rae sighed, "I'll be worried too," then she looked at me, "but I know she'll be okay with ya."

Pete smiled, "Awesome, just have fun, I'll take care of our little girl."

I rolled my eyes, suppressing a laugh. Rae rubbed my back warmly, "Yeah, Angel?"

I nodded, feeling sick again, "Yeah. C'mon, I'm gonna be sick," I told Pete.


Pete had sat with me while I signed into the hospital, and then when I was given a bed. We only talked a little, he was worried that something could be wrong with my baby. He had held my hand while we waited for a physician.

"Are you scared?" He asked me.

I shrugged, "I don't know, I feel all mixed up inside. I should call John."

"Want me to?" He offered, fishing out his phone.

"Yeah, please."

Pete called John, and I listened to the phone ring. I tried to figure out what time it was in Utah; it was only an hour ahead, so I knew John wouldn't be onstage just yet, the band still had 3 hours.

"Hey," Pete said, breaking my thoughts, "Beatz, it's me, Pete. Uh, Angelus wanted me to call you."

I could hear John's voice, but it was hard to make out his words.

"...She's fine, she's just sick, throwing up, feelin' hot...it could be," Pete carried on. "Wanna talk to her?"

Pete then handed me his sidekick; I exhaled deeply, feeling my stomach twist unmercifully; "Hey baby."

"What's wrong? You got the flu?" He asked quickly.

"I dunno, I'm waitin' for a doctor."

"Oh, man," he mumbled to himself, "I'm so sorry, babe. I wish I could be there."

I was tearing up, "Me too, but Pete's here...I'll--" I paused, then corrected myself, "We'll be okay, Johnny."

I exhaled, "You're tough, you both are. My girls," he spoke brokenly. "I love you both."

I placed a hand over my stomach lovingly, "We love you too."

Before John could speak, there was someone in he background calling his name. John sighed frustratedly, "Fuck, Anthony's callin' me to go eat."

"Then go eat," I told him, holding in a sniffle, "I'll call you if anything happens."

"Even if there's something wrong?" He assured. "Even thought nothing is?"

"Yes," I affirmed softly, "yes I will. I promise."

"Alright. I love you."

"I love you too, have a good show."

He chuckled, "I know I will."

We hung up, and I handed Pete his phone. Just as he was putting it away, a male doctor came in, as will as a female nurse; "Hello Angelus, I'm Dr. Hall, what seems to be going on today?"

"I've been feeling a lot more sick than my normal pregnancy sickness," I began to tell Dr. Hall about the dread and fear I felt. He was sympathetic, and didn't automatically dismiss my claims.

"We'll do an ultrasound, see if anything is wrong, then maybe run some tests," he said, turning his attention to the nurse, "we'll take blood and urine samples."

The nurse hummed, writing things down on this white clipboard. She wrote at lightening speed, making my head spin a little.

"Let's check your vitals," Dr. Hall said after the nurse finished writing.

The nurse, Brenda, had her hair tied up and looked accustomed to people sick like me, she didn't look worried I would vomit on her. Pete and Rae both had feared that, they always backed away when I would groan.

"How far along are you?" Dr. Hall questioned as he took over the chart.

"I'm 3 and a half months," I answered. "I had my second obstetrician appointment two weeks ago, and everything seemed fine."

"Have you been eating well?"

I hummed, "I don't eat junk food, no sugary drinks or salty foods."

Dr. Hall and Nurse Brenda continued questioning and checking me out before mutually leaving to get ready for the ultrasound. Pete remained silent beside me, looking a little lost in his own mind; I patted his hand resting on the railing of the bed.

"Yeah?" He said, breaking from his daze.

"Are you okay?"

He nodded, "Yeah, are you?"

I shook my head, "I'm starting to get a headache and heartburn."

Pete frowned slightly, "What do you think it is?"

"I hope it's nothing," I murmured, "I don't think I could handle something bad without John here."

"I don't think it's anything either," Pete said reassuringly, his hand patting mine, "I'm sure it's just the excitement and nerves."

"I hope so."

Pete and I were quiet for a few minutes before Dr. Hall and a new woman arrived; "Angelus, this our ultrasound technician, Caren, she'll be able to tell us all that may be going on in your womb."

"Hello," I said softly; I felt a sudden rush of dread fill me again.

"Are you going to be sick?" Caren asked me.

I nodded, and was immediately handed a large plastic blue bag. I vomited for what seemed like forever before it all stopped. I groaned loudly, then fell back against the flat pillow behind me. Dr. Hall took my vomit bag and tossed it into the hazardous bin.

"Do you feel better?" He asked.

I shook my head, "I'm just gettin' started."


There was nothing wrong with my baby, who still looked and moved the same as the last time I saw him/her. Dr. Hall gave me a sticker to put behind my ear to help with the nausea, and he also wrote me a prescription to help it too. I was free to leave, and was told to take it easy, lie down and not do anything too fast or strenuous.

Pete then took me home, getting my liquid medicine before we arrived. He followed me up to my apartment, where we found Patrick asleep on the couch with Cupid lying on his stomach. Pete laughed quietly, "Wow, doesn't he look adorable."

I stifled a laugh before heading to my kitchen; I actually did feel a lot better, my stomach had settled and the dread was gone. I got a water bottle and returned to the living room, "Hey, are you gonna stay?"

Pete hummed, "Yep."

"What about your party?"

"I don't really feel up to it," he shrugged.

"You should go, I'm just gonna be lying down 'n waiting for John to call."

"Ya sure?" He asked with a tilt of his head.

I smiled, "Yes, I'm sure. Go have a one night stand."

He grinned, shaking his head, "You know how to have a good time, ya'know that, Angel?"

I nodded, "Sure do. Now, get goin', me 'n Patrick will be fine."

Pete agreed, but stepped over and pulled me into a hug. I was a little taken aback, but I returned the hug.

"Feel better," he said as we parted.

"I will. Thanks, Pete, for, uh, stayin' with me."

"Don't mention it," he winked before heading out the door.

I turned off the TV and put a blanket on Patrick before I went to bed. Cupid had followed behind me, wanting to curl up in bed with me, which he did. I laid back, running my hand over my belly under my sweatshirt, feeling calm and content.

I just laid there, drifting into between sleep, finding myself listening to much at one point. I finally woke up fully at 10, when my phone started ringing on my bedside table. I reached over, seeing that John was calling, and as soon as I answered, the nausea and dread was back, "Hell--oh God," I groaned.

"Baby?" I heard John say over my groan.

"Yeah--yeah, John."

"Oh, man, how you feelin' now?" John asked worriedly, "What'd the doc say?"

"Baby is fine," I told him, rubbing my stomach with my free hand, "it's just nausea. I got medicine."

"That's good, what are you feeling right now?"

I swallowed, lying back, "I'm getting that feeling again," I explained as it hit me.

"What feelin'?"

I shut my eyes, and licked over my lips, "I feel sick, worried 'n I wanna see you so bad, John."

"You'll see me soon, babe. We'll be in Anaheim before you know it," he spoke happily and softly, causing me to smile despite the fear.

"I know, but I--" I began to tear up quickly, my throat tightened, "I miss you so much, Johnny."

"Hey," he began quickly, "Angel, don't cry. Please? Don't cry, I didn't call to make you to cry."

"I can't--I don't mean to. I just miss you a lot, more than I ever have--more than today. I think it's the hormones," I spat this all quickly, wiping my tears away with the back of my arm. "I love you, John, so much. Don't forget it."

"I couldn't even if I had to," I know by his tone that he was smiling. "I love you too, Angelus. I can't wait to see you. Come November, you're all mine 'n I'm all yours. I promise."

My stomach knotted as I sniffed my tears away, "I'm sorry I've been such a cry baby."

He chuckled, "Ain't no thang. Do you feel better?"

"No...my stomach is all twisted and I don't think I'll stop crying soon."

"Maybe you should drink some ginger ale then go to sleep, Angel? You needa rest."

I exhaled shakily, "I...I do, but..." There was something keeping me from saying goodnight to him and hanging up. "I don't wanna hang up yet."

"How about you drink something, lay down with the phone 'n we'll talk till you fall 'sleep, sound good?"

I agreed, even though I knew it didn't satisfy me, "Yeah. Yeah, okay."

I got up, leaving Cupid, and hustled to the kitchen, grabbing a cold water bottle from the fridge. Then, I managed to crawl back into my bed without a wave of nausea taking over; lying on my side, I talked softly about nothing with Beatz. We talked about what we'd do once he got back to California, and the first thing he wanted to do was lie in bed with me and nap. I was aching for that moment, I couldn't wait to feel the warmth of his embrace and his sleepy voice. I longed for his long arms to wrap me up, hold me and his lips press against my skin.

By the time I was ready to fall asleep, tears pooled in my eyes again, and I didn't want to hang up. I felt dread at the very thought of saying goodnight. I sniffled, "Please call me when you get up, okay?"

He chuckled real softly, "Of course, sugar. Don't cry, just sleep for me alright?"

I wiped my eyes, the feeling of dread was so strong, it frightened me, "I'll try. I love you, Johnny...I can't wait to see you."

"I love you more, Angel," he murmured, "you'll see me soon, I promise."

"I know. Sleep tight."

"Goodnight, babe, take care of yourself and baby Beatz."

I hummed approvingly, and hung up regrettably, my hand actually shook as I hung up my sidekick. The faint lights stared right back at me, almost taunting me for hanging up, for being so needy. Something in me wanted to call him back, but I foolishly told myself to stop being so hung up and to sleep. I forced myself into the middle of my bed with Cupid lying his head on my thigh, and my hand resting on my sick stomach.

I sighed softly, "I miss your daddy, Baby Beatz."

Our baby hadn't even formed much and here I was talking to him or her. Baby settled and let me sleep, even with the dread pulling at my every sense. I counted back from 1,000, falling into a deep sleep before I even got to 950.