From Under the Cork Tree

Rae was the one to take me away from the cemetery, saying she was going to take me to the hotel she was staying in. She drove a car I didn't recognize through the suburban streets of Long Island. We didn't talk as we past house after house, slushing streets and dead trees drooping over the sidewalks.

It seemed that the streets and weather matched how I felt.

"Are you hungry?" Rae asked, breaking the silence.

"Not really," I replied, "I feel kinda sick."

She hummed, keeping her eyes on the road.

I felt terrible for how sad I was, how depressed I had become. I was a shit friend to her, and she, of all people, didn't deserve the way I was acting.

"I'm sorry," I murmured, "I'm such an asshole. I don't...I've been ignoring you, and you've been takin' care of me. You even came here! You came to support me, and all I've done is cry and scream. I'm sorry--"

Rae cut me off quickly, "You're not an asshole, Angelus. You just lost your husband and you're pregnant. You are not an asshole."

The way she spoke, her Manchester accent comforted me. It was like a lullaby, I could fall asleep to her just yelling at me most of the time. I never been so grateful for a friend like Rae.

"I feel like a' asshole," I mumbled.

"You're not," she assured, her lips turning up, "you're hurting and I understand. I've never lost someone I love like you did, but I did leave my family...you know, they didn't get me."

I nodded, knowing things about Rae that she's shared privately with me.

"I don't wanna make you feel like I've...I've abandoned you. If I made you feel that way--"

"You didn't," her voice was so assuring, "I'm fine, I only care about you right now."

"I'm makin' a fool of myself," I said, "I feel like I'm too emotional."

"You're not. You're holdin' up better than I would be, but that's just me."

"No," I shook my head, "no, you'd be holding yourself together, not like me. You could be able to grieve privately, like I should be doing."

"You may be right," she hummed, keeping her eyes on the road, "but, I would still be a wreck like you."

"I can't help but to cry and sob in front of everyone...when I'm alone, I can't cry like I do when I'm around everyone. It's like I need an audience to grieve."

"Maybe it's too much to be around everyone right now," Rae suggested, "you need some alone time...maybe, if you want."

I shrugged, "I dunno. I don't really know what to do."

"You don't have to figure everything out right now, love, just take it one single day at a time."

"You're too nice ta me, Rae."

She smiled, "I'm nice all the time."

"Of course, but I've been a mega bitch."

"No you haven't," she stated shortly, "don't worry about anything right now, especially about how you're makin' me feel."

I agreed silently, thanking God again and again for letting me have Rae here with me...even though he took my John away.


Rae let me sleep in her hotel room, assuring that she'd tell my family that I was okay. I really did need some alone time, I just needed to think my thoughts through, time without the constant memory of John. That was saying a lot since he'll always haunt me in the best, and worst, ways possible.

Sleeping away from his family's home, I didn't dream about him. He didn't haunt my dreams like he has been since before he died. John was always a staple in my dreams, but when I woke up alone in the hotel room, I felt an emptiness in my stomach, knowing I hadn't dreamt of him at all. I can't remember the dream, it was swept away as soon as I woke and sat up, squinting away from the light. I just knew he wasn't in my dreams, and it felt unnatural, even with the emptiness, it felt alright as well.

I sat up, rubbed my eyes, feeling hungry. My stomach rumbled audibly as if on cue; I scooted off the bed, stood and stretch. My mind was foggy for a moment, then my phone rang, things just seemed like I was in a large bowl of molasses.

Looking around, I spotted my phone on the small dining table, and went to pick it up. To my surprise, I saw Pete's name pop up. My hand had shaken as I picked it up; still, I felt as if I were living in molasses.

"Pete," I murmured his name.

"Hey," he said, "how are you?"

"Well, I'm okay I guess," I plopped back on the bed, "didn't we just speak a few hours ago?"

"Yeah, but I wanted to talk before you went to sleep."

I frowned and pulled my phone from my ear; the time read 11:30; "Shit, I slept all day."

"When'd you fall asleep?"

"I don't remember," I exhaled, "I left John's funeral just as they were..." I trailed, not wanting to say it. "Anyway, I shouldn't have slept so long without calling my family. I wonder where Rae is," I said the last part to myself.

"She's stuck at JFK," Pete informed me, "she met Andy there, he flew in to be with her since we're goin' up there in a week and a half. It's snowing."

I cleared my throat, "I think she said somethin' about that earlier..." I sighed, "I'm the worst friend on earth."

"No you're not, we know what's going on," Pete said happily.

"I wish I could shut it off," I mumbled. "I don't wanna live through this anymore."

"I wish I could trade places with you," he said.

I shook my head, "No. No, you don't."

"If it means makin' you better and gettin' John Beatz back, then yeah, I'd trade places with you."

I was silent for a moment, "Thank you, Pete, for everything. I don't know...I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you, Rae and everyone."

"You're welcome, Angel."

"Now," I cleared my throat again, "what are you doing and how are you?"

"I'm good. I'm...my head is a little foggy. I haven't been feeling up to par with my emotions."

"Like me?"

"Nah...I think I'm just thinkin' bad because I'm bored," he kidded in a monotone voice.

"Anything you wanna share?" I offered.

"Not till you get back."

"I mean it, Pete, whatever you wanna tell me, I'm all ears."

He took a few seconds to answer, "I figured out that I'm not in love with my girlfriend anymore."

"Morgan? I thought you guys broke up?"

"Yeah, well we were back on, now we're off. We're stayin' off...I don't love her. I realized that she was just a warm bed and a place to lay my frustration into."

I hummed, "I understand."

"You 'n Beatz helped me realize that..." He paused, "That life is short 'n I should be happy, not worryin' about a thing except my happiness."

I smiled, "That's great, Pete."

"Yeah, I just...I can't deal with worrying about nothing I can't stop."

"What can't you stop?"

"Her cheating with my friends," he answered. "I'm not gonna dwell, I'm just...I'm just gonna live my life and be with my friends 'n my unborn niece."

I smiled, "If that's what you want."

"I want that more than anything."

Before I knew it, Pete and I had talked for well over an hour. By this time, I had ordered late night room service, and finished eating. We hung up not long after 1AM. I then called my mom, telling her I was okay, even though she wasn't worried, she was tired. I gave her my love, then laid back in Rae's bed and watched a movie. This time around, I had fallen asleep, and my dreams were full of John; they were memories that toyed with my head until I was awaken by Rae.

The whole early morning had blurred together when I was up again; it was 9AM. Her hand threaded through my hair, her warmth comforted me, I didn't even mind being awaken.

"How're you?" She asked me.

I shrugged.

Her lips turned up just a bit, "Come eat with Andy 'n me."

I silently agreed, not before I took a shower and changed into clothes she had offered me. After I had gotten ready, I followed her down to the lobby, where we met Andy. He had pulled me into a warm hug, and I felt something in it that made me feel like everything was truly okay. Even with my brain foggy, my body still in sleep mode, I had felt like a million bucks.

"Thank you," I had whispered to him.

He nodded, patting my back before leading the way out into the streets of New York. I didn't register everything around me, really. Like I said, I was in a fog, like my body was on autopilot and my brain was on pause. My mind didn't notice the people around me; I was like a robot. I ordered eggs and bacon, even though eggs made me sick, and I didn't even eat them. My mind was somewhere else, while my body was here, staring at my plate of uneaten food, with Rae and Andy asking me what was wrong.

I wasn't sure why my brain had drifted, maybe because I couldn't stand to view the world without John. That's how I could explain it. But, when I finally came back to reality, there was nothing wrong, I was the same mourning Angelus I had been before my conscious went off to play.

"Love, I think you need to see a doctor," Rae murmured.

I had looked up at her, her brown eyes were large and full of worry. I wanted to laugh, but I forced myself to hold back, instead, I smiled.

"I'm okay, Rae," I replied.

"You don't look okay," she added.

"It's been a long week," Andy chimed in. "How about we take you home?"

I shrugged, "If you guys want. I'm not all that hungry anyway."

They both nodded, and then Andy waved a waitress down to get the check. I promised to repay him once I got back to the Holohan house, but he told me it was alright. If I know anything, trying to reason and repay someone is often hard when they feel absolutely sorry for you.

Andy was the one to drive the rental car back to the Holohans; I sat in the back listening to the music, while Rae and Andy talked. The day was becoming more and more of a blur and more of a fantasy or dream to me. Nothing was real anymore, or at least to me it didn't feel real. That's all I kept thinking, too, that everything was fake, reality is fake and dreams are real. I don't think I wanted to believe that in reality John was gone, but in my dreams he was alive and I didn't have to worry.

Andy had waited in the car while Rae had gone into the house with me. I was pulled into more hugs before I even realized the door had opened. Words were lost to me as everyone was talking at once. Rae had spoken, her voice was the only one not lost to me, and I had hugged her real tight before she left.

I was left alone with my family, not sure what to say or do as they led me in and told me to eat. They talked to me, and I answered the best I could verbally, but I would answer with a head nod. I couldn't tell them exactly why I was feeling the way I was or why my mind drifted, but they didn't seem to care, or they didn't want to ask.

In all honesty, I wouldn't have even answered them with a real answer.