Gensokyo Diaries IV: Eirin

I never did think it would come to this, really. I know I can't die but, yet, I yearn to do nothing more that to do so. Nothing seems to matter anymore and I feel colder than the winter that had came. I am detached from the world and the world is just as detached from the winter. So far, I hear talk of the moving elsewhere. They can go but I will stay here, alone, for the remainder of time and moving elsewhere is going to get us captured. I shall go and take this scalpel of mine and feel death, a sweet release that only the mortals would like no more than to avoid, except in times like these. As I write, I feel the even colder tears roll down my face. I feel so cold, just so cold, even death has more warmth than this.

I know one thing, it is sheer hell living with worries, alopecia, upsets and, now, apparently, anemia. It is sheer hell living when you get treated rather badly and do all you can but it is never enough to help or please anyone. I forgive it, after all, they are not to blame. It is sheer hell living in virtual silence, knowing that voicing your concerns crould create upset. It is hell feeling helpless and cold in a winter that feels even warmer than you. It is even more hell running, knowing that you'll be captured. It is hell living in uncertainty and is even more hell knowing there is no escape. It is hell living and resenting a child that has done nothing to you but still you resent her. It is hell living and, as your hair falls out, thinking you are ugly. Hell, it is utter hell being alive and I want nothing more than be held in death's embrace!

I wonder how my suicide note would go. I haven't thought about how I would write it and I didn't even think to write one, but, then again, it would do no good, as I am not dying but I do wish I were. Cursed Hourai Elixir, why on earth did I create you?! I wonder what would happen if I died, really, I wonder if Kaguya would be upset that I abandoned her? At least, she and Mokou did learn how to get along so I have faith in that they will take care of each other. Ran is going to be pissed if I were to die but she'd forgive me, I know. I want nothing more than to die and, the more I want to meet death, the further away I know it is. Well, there is no harm in feeling it but I will continue to live in misery and attempt it over and over again until the end of time. I suppose I would write my suicide letter now.....

To whoever it concerns,
This is Eirin writing and I am writing to inform you that I have passed on of my own terms. I want to sincerely inform you that I am sorry but I just couldn't go on. I just couldn't. I'm sorry, really I am, but I just couldn't live with all of this hell and uncertainty and the fact of suffering even more in captivity. I'm sorry but I just can't go on.

Please forgive me,
Eirin.