Personal Goals

*Kellin*

The next day, was sort of in a funk. I was supposed to be happy that I finally got Vic to put out, wasn’t I? For whatever reason, I didn’t feel good about it. Oh, right. It was probably because I was a fucking idiot and decided to kiss him.

I don’t know what came over me, really. I just felt so happy in that moment, that I couldn’t help but just want to cuddle and shit. Vic was just- I wasn’t sure. I was so confused. I never kissed Matty; in fact we set that as a ground rule so that we couldn’t develop feelings for each other. I wasn’t developing feelings for Vic, was I?

Well shit. I rationalized my thoughts in my head by telling myself that it was just a crush, and that it was going to fade away eventually. I really had nothing to worry about, right? Except for the fact that I kissed him. Fuck.

“Are you okay?” Justin asked me, from the passenger seat of my car. I was so out of it I totally forgot he was there. “You’re like making all these weird faces, man.”

“Sorry, I’m just- I’m tired I guess,” I sighed, not wanting to go into it with him. However, that wasn’t a good enough answer for him.

“Dude, you’re obviously bothered by something. You wear your heart on your sleeve, there’s not keeping secrets from me,” he warned. I sighed again, this time a lot more dramatic.

“I had sex with my trainer,” I admitted. “And then I kissed him.”

“Well, damn,” he said, raising his eyebrows. I just shrugged, mainly because I didn’t know what to think about it either. “So why’s that got you all weird? You’re never bothered by sex.”

“That’s the thing, I don’t know why it’s bothering me. I also don’t kiss unless I actually like someone, so … “ I wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence.

“So do you like Vic?”

“I don’t know, god, I barely know him,” I said, defensively. We were almost at school by this point. “It’s only been, what? Three weeks?”

“That’s enough time to develop a crush on someone … especially if you’ve been spending that time trying to get into said person’s pants.”

“Shut up,” I mumbled. I was grumpy now. I didn’t want to have a crush on Vic. I didn’t want to have to deal with any of that drama. I just wanted drama-free, no-strings-attached sex. No commitments, no nothing.

Throughout the school day I just couldn’t concentrate on anything, I just found myself thinking about Vic, and how we did what we did. I couldn’t stop thinking about how hot he was. I mean, I finally got a look at his glorious six-pack, which made the whole thing so much more exciting. I had never had sex with a muscular guy before. I loved how strong he was- every bit of it. Even as he was slamming inside of me, I felt like he was holding me all protected-like. Maybe that’s why I tried to cuddle up next to him- I liked the feeling of being close to him. As for the kiss, I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking.

However, I do know that it hurt like a bitch when he left so quickly. Where did he have to be that he couldn’t stick around just a few more minutes? What kind of person does that? Then I realized that that was how my ‘sessions’ with Matty went and it made me angry all over again. I wasn’t supposed to care whether or not he stuck around.

But I still couldn’t deny that I did care, and that I wanted answers almost desperately. After the class I was in ended, I decided to cut my next one and go sit in my car. I had a phone call to make.

I sat in the driver’s seat and pulled out my cell, scrolling through my contact’s until I got to Vic’s name. I pressed the call button and put the phone to my ear.

The phone rang and rang, but finally went to voice mail. I frowned. What the hell? I knew he always had his phone on him, so why the fuck wasn’t he answering? I called again. This time he picked up on the last possible ring.

“Hello?” he answered. He sounded a bit frazzled, even over the phone.

“We should talk,” I suggested. I was trying to be demanding with him, but I also didn’t want to come across as mean and make him angry. God, I was so conflicted.

“I really can’t talk right now,” he said, in a hushed voice. Why the fuck was he trying to be quiet?

“Why not?” I demanded to know. “You left me hanging yesterday and you haven’t even texted me or anything.”

“Kellin, I’m sorry, but now is a really bad time. Today is my day off,” he reminded me. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I frowned again, but mostly because I was realizing how clingy I sounded. I really needed to stop, but I just couldn’t stop. I didn’t want Vic to ignore me or avoid me; I just wanted his attention.

“That’s not good enough,” I said.

“Well, it’s going to have to be,” he said a little louder. I was going to say something else but I could have sworn I heard crying in the background. “I have to go.”

Click.

I stared down at the phone in my hand. What the hell?

—-

*Vic’s POV*

I felt bad for hanging up on Kellin so quickly, but it was really a bad time. He was calling me on my day off, a day that I specifically had reserved for my daughter. I only got to see her on Tuesdays and some weekends when Jenna didn’t feel like watching her.

But I was trying to stay quiet, but I faltered and raised my voice, now Jess was waking up from her nap. And I had only just gotten her to settle down, too. I tossed my phone down on the couch and went into the other room to pick her up from her crib.

“Hey, you’re alright, don’t cry,” I cooed, holding her against my chest and bouncing lightly. Once she calmed down, I went to set her back in the crib, but she just started wailing all over again. I sighed and brought her out of the room and sat on the couch. I turned the TV on low and she ultimately fell asleep in my arms.

As I watched her sleep, I started thinking about everything that had led up to this moment, about how I wished she could have been born into a world where I was on good terms with her mother. But unfortunately, that just wasn’t the case. I mean, how could it have been?

Jenna was a friend of mine in college, and it was in my junior year that I started questioning my sexuality. Even still, I knew Jenna had every right to hate me. I mean, it takes two to tango, but I couldn’t help but know that I would never have had sex with her if I didn’t think it would confirm my suspicions about being gay. I thought it would be over after that night at the party. I thought I’d be able to be like “Yup, I definitely like boys” and move on with my life. But no, Jenna got pregnant. We both ended up dropping out of college senior year, and nothing was ever the same with us. She was mad at me because she felt used, even though we both knew she was 100% willing. She was also mad at me because I didn’t try to force a relationship with her.

I mean, I wouldn’t trade Jess for the world, but I wished it was under better circumstances.

I jumped a little as my phone buzzed, thankfully not waking her as I did. I grabbed the phone from the edge of the couch to see that I had a text message from Kellin. I sighed and opened it.

I’m sorry if I made you mad. You shouldn’t have had sex with me if you knew you were just going to just ignore me after though. I deserve an explanation.

I dropped the phone to the floor, really pissed now. I wasn’t dating Kellin, I was under the impression he was just desperate for a hookup! I had no idea I was supposed to call him, and I was still taken aback by the fact that he’d kissed me after.

But the fact that he had to go and say that just really set me off. He sounded just like Jenna, twisting the situation and making me out to be the bad guy. Oh I was mad, but I was still going to have to see him the next day. He was really fucking lucky his mom was paying me a ridiculous one hundred dollars an hour just to train his skinny ass. As much as I wanted to just forget about him, I knew I couldn’t pass up a job like this. On top of that, there was a part of me that actually wanted to talk to Kellin and about how things were between us. I mean, underneath all of that spoiled brat of an outer shell he had, he really was a good guy. He was cute and inquisitive and- no.

I needed to stop, I couldn’t think these things about Kellin. I was his personal trainer for crying out loud. On top of that, I was mad at him.