If I Knew

Jordan pulled Felicia away with him and headed outside of the hotel in a rush, knowing all too well that having Felicia and Marc near each other any longer was a recipe for disaster. There would be a lot of shouting and quite possibly a punch. He knew Felicia was more than capable of decking any one of them but only Marc had ever pushed her close to that point. Jordan had gotten good at reading her anger levels when it came to Marc over the years. No one pushed her buttons quite the way Marc did and vice versa.

Growing up, Jordan never quite understood why Marc didn’t like Felicia. She wasn’t like other girls. She was rough and tumble just like they were, didn’t care about getting dirty, and loved hockey as much as the brothers did. For as long as anyone could remember though, it was he and Felicia that got along best. Their moms had always referred to them as Frick and Frack and they were always getting into trouble together. And two of them meant more ways to torment Marc, who was an easy target and easily annoyed by Felicia as well as his younger brother.

Marc had always, plain and simple, not liked Felicia. When they were in high school, Jordan understood his hatred even less because that was when even Jordan realized that Felicia was a girl, and a really pretty one to boot. She was well liked and friendly, and being friends with the Staal brothers meant everyone knew who she was. But no matter how many family dinners they were a part of together, how many bouts of mischief she and Jordan got into, nothing changed the way Marc felt.

The feeling, Jordan had always assumed, was mutual. At least that was what the look of contempt on Felicia’s face had always said. When he got engaged and asked her to be his best woman, he knew the hardest part of the whole thing would be the bachelor party. Because of course she’d be a part of that with Jordan. And he had been right. It wasn’t the first time Fe and Marc had gone toe to toe with each other but it was the first time Jordan had been sure she was ready to punch Marc. He and Eric had ended up separating the two and keeping them away from each other the rest of the night, using Jared to keep her occupied on the other side of the bar. As far as he knew, they had had no contact with one another since, not even at the actual wedding.

Whatever conversation he and Felicia had walked up on that day had struck a nerve, one that was apparently very raw for Felicia. He had never seen her like this, never seen her respond to Marc this way. Sure, he got under her skin from time to time but the moments were so fleeting that Jordan never stopped to think about them. This was something different altogether, something he was not privy to. He wasn't sure if he was hurt or mad that she had kept something from him, especially something that his brother had done. The only thing he knew for sure was that he wanted answers.

"What was that?" He demanded when they were alone and half a block away from the hotel.

"What was what? Your brother is an asshole,” Felicia answered shortly.

"What mistake? Marc said it was a mistake, that you two were drunk. What was he talking about?"

"Jordan, please. Just drop it."

"Fe, come on. Something happened. Eric obviously knows. Does Jared?"

"No, just Eric as far as I know."

"Tell me. I'm your best friend."

She sighed. "At your wedding....I kissed Marc. I mean, we kissed each other, in the barn. And Eric walked in."

"He kissed you?!" Jordan shouted.

"Shut up!" Felicia shrieked, slapping his arm.

"He kissed you two years ago and you never told me. Fe! What the hell?"

"There was nothing to talk about, Jordy. We were drunk. I don't even know if I realized it was Marc until after," she lied.

Jordan knew she was lying. Her poker face was terrible and her right eye twitched but he played along. "Then who did you think you were kissing?"

"I don't know. James?"

"James is two inches shorter than Marc, is definitely not as broad in the shoulder, and has much longer hair. And tattoos. Wait...do you like Nealer? Because he's not good enough for you."

"James is a very nice guy. He's always been a gentleman to me."

"Yeah, because Hailey told him she'd kick his ass if he dared to do anything stupid when it came to you."

Felicia rolled her eyes. "I would never date a hockey player but thanks for looking out for me."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why won't you date a hockey player?"

"Because you're all womanizing jerks. I don't need that in my life. Besides, your careers came easy. I had to work to be where I am right now. You'd never understand that."

"First of all, I do understand. You are crazy good at hockey and it never should have been as hard for you to make a career for yourself, or for any girl. There should be more opportunities. And the reason I believe and know that is because of you Fe. Not just me either; Eric and Jared think that too."

"But not Marc," she said angrily.

"I'm sure Marc gets it too. We just don't talk about you so it's not a discussion we've ever had."

The words hurt Felicia. Marc didn't ask about her, Jordan avoided conversations about her with him. The realization that maybe they were just two drunks without a clue in that barn stung more than she thought it would and Felicia felt the tears behind her eyes. Jordan must have saw it too because he pulled her into a hug.

"I don't talk about Marc with you either," he said gently, confused why of all people Marc was affecting her like this. She had been dealing with Marc her whole life and he thought she had a pretty good way of dealing with him. Now he just didn’t know what the hell was happening.

He had only seen Felicia cry once over something Marc did and that was when they were sixteen. It was so long ago that Jordan thought it was some fluke. He had never seen Felicia cry since, not over anything Marc said to her, not when she got a scholarship to Cornell, not at his wedding. She was a girl, yes, but she did not wear her heart on her sleeve like most women he knew. Felicia was a steel trap with her emotions, capable of masking her feelings in almost all situations. Except for right now. And the feelings were about his brother.

Felicia swallowed back the tears she fought to keep at bay. She would not cry over Marc. That would be stupid. Marc meant nothing to her, she meant nothing to him. Even though they had grown up together. Even though she knew his career backwards and forwards, that they both had been a part of so many of the events that shaped their lives, they were strangers.

And that was what had bothered her more than anything for two years. Not that she found herself wildly attracted to Marc and that she secretly watched Rangers games just to catch a glimpse. No, it was that even though she knew Marc, she didn't know Marc. And she wanted to. Boyfriends had come and gone in her life, never anyone serious, never anyone to meet Jordan or her parents for approval. No, her heart was sealed, hockey her passion. And then, a fleeting moment in a barn with Marc had melted a piece of her.

Marc, of all people. Until he met and married Hailey, she was sure people assumed that one day her and Jordan would but never did she think it would be Marc. Even now she didn't quite know how to process it but crying would not be her answer. She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly before looking up at Jordan.

"As a family friend, I still politely inquire about how Marc is doing. I always have."

"I know," Jordan agreed. "When we played juniors, when you were in college, when you moved to Boston. You've kept tabs on all of us, because you're a good friend. I can't say the same about Marc. He doesn't ask me about you. I can't speak about what he asks anyone else."

"I'm sure he doesn't. But I still called you after he got hurt last season, I called your mom. Hell, I even called Marc!” she exclaimed as she pulled away from him.

"You did?" Jordan asked in surprise.

"I did. He didn't answer and didn't return my call or even acknowledge it by text. So that only further proves my point about you all being jerks."

"I am not a jerk or a womanizer."

"Anymore," Felicia interrupted. "And you can totally be a jerk."

"Okay, fine. Eric isn't a jerk, or a womanizer."

"I will concede to Eric. The rest of you though...."

"Some of us are jerks, some of us are womanizers, some are both. But Marc... "

"Marc is a jerk," Felicia spat out.

"Not usually but when it comes to you, yeah, he is. Which is why I want to know why he kissed you."

"I don't know, Jordan. We were drunk, it happened, it was a mistake. Simple as that. It's the past, that's why we've never talked about it. Also, I don't like James for the record."

"That is going to break his heart. He likes you."

"What?"

"James. He likes you."

"You just told me he isn't good enough for me."

"Of course I don't think any of my friends are good enough for you. No, that isn't entirely true. There are a few good guys I know. And James isn't a bad dude per say. Anyway, he called me a couple days after they announced the orientation rosters. He wants me to put in a good word for him, get you to go out with us tonight."

"Are you kidding me right now?"

"Fe, come on. Would I kid about this?"

"So you were going to what, trick me into going out and sic your friend on me?"

"No! I told Nealer to go fuck himself. Hails told me to take you to dinner and meet the guys after and not tell you."

"Hailey turned on me? What the fuck?!"

Jordan shrugged. "We are both in agreement that you date sissy ass posers."

"Please, enlighten me on who I should be dating then."

"I don't know. Come to Raleigh and meet some of the guys. There are some nice guys there. Or Jared."

"You think I should date Jared?!"

"I thought about it once. Mom loves you and would totally approve of Jared dating you. And Jared is probably the best catch out of all of us. And I guess you'd make a pretty cool sister in law if something had happened."

"Jared is also three years younger than me."

"So?"

"So that's just weird. Jay is like my baby brother. I couldn't sleep with him, let alone even think about kissing him!"

"But you kissed Marc."

"I was so drunk that I didn't even know my own name, Jordy. I didn't even know it was Marc and I regretted it as soon as I realized."

All lies; she just hoped in the dying light of the day that Jordan couldn't tell as she felt her right eye twitch. What she regretted was not having Marc Staal in every way possible that night, and then for several more nights after.

She shook the idea from her head. What she needed was distraction, someone else to replace this idea of Marc in her mind. She smiled at Jordan, an idea forming.

"You know what, Jordy? Maybe Hailey is right. Tell me where to go and I'll be there. Bring the cutest boys Canada's got."