If I Knew

Felicia dropped Marc off at the arena before heading back home to kill some time and then to Kelly's to pick her up before the two headed to the game together. She was closer to Kelly than any of the other girls on the team, working in the same field and being close in age.

"Hey, I just heard," Kelly said as she slid in the passengers seat, buckling her seat belt. "They're sitting you the rest of the season?

Felicia looked away as she pulled into traffic. It was all a part of the cover story she had concocted with the team a few hours earlier. They were honest about her injury but more vague about her recovery.

"Yeah. The doctor doesn't think I need surgery but he's going to reevaluate in a few weeks. I've hurt this shoulder before so he wants to be very careful. He's guarded in his treatment plan."

She wasn't ready for the whole world to know she was pregnant. For starters, she was still trying to wrap her own mind around it. Second, it was still early and the less people to explain to if something were to happen the better.

She and Marc had agreed that they'd tell their parents in a week, after they had a chance for the news to sink in themselves. In a week, she owed Marc an answer as well.

Marc had broached the subject of their living arrangement first. He hated the idea of Felicia going through the pregnancy in Boston while he was in New York. He knew though that she had friends in Boston, people that could be a support system for her. In New York she would have no one but him, and playing for the Rangers meant he had practice and games, and when he was on the road, she wouldn't have anyone like she would in Boston.

He wanted her to come to New York though, to live with him. He wanted to take their relationship to the next level. He had been thinking about asking her to move in with him during the off season in Thunder Bay anyway, maybe even come to New York when her season was over. He would never ask her to move and leave her playing career in Boston. She was too talented to just walk away from that. But with the way circumstances had changed, he wanted everything with her.

He just wasn't sure that she wanted it all too.

He was sure Felicia was serious about him, about their relationship. He was sure she loved him. He wasn't sure that this might not somehow change things. His life would change in ways so minor when compared to her. His career didn’t have to take nine months off. His career would just keep plugging along. Once they had the baby, he’d still be a New York Ranger. He’d still have his team when summer was over. Felicia though, she was stepping away from that and when summer was over, even if she kept in shape throughout the pregnancy and went right into hard core training as soon as she could after having the baby, there was nothing to guarantee she’d have a spot in Boston with the Blades.

Having a baby meant that her career could very well be over and Marc treaded carefully as they talked about it. He didn’t want to assume she would stop playing because they had a baby. In fact, he could absolutely picture her playing again after, coming back like it was nothing. He just didn’t know how that would work. There was no way he could live separate from her and their child once he or she was born. And if Felicia wanted to play, there were very few teams for her to play for and Boston was the closet to him and New York.

He didn’t want her to give it all up for him but he did want to be a family with her. Things between them were probably moving faster now than they had been. Since getting together, things had mostly been easy for them and living in separate cities only strengthened things between them. They had made it work for them.

The truth was, Felicia had thought about it, their future. She hadn't imagined the baby but she knew they had decisions to make, she had a decision to make, even before the surprise of being pregnant. After the upcoming summer, it would be hard to go back to Boston without him. She loved Marc, loved what they had, where they had come from, what they could be. She had thought about retiring, maybe finding a youth league she could coach in. At 27, her opportunities to play were narrowing and there was some great young talent out there waiting in the wings. She knew that this quite possibly was it for her, the Olympics her swan song.

Felicia was prepared for all of those things, even going so far as to put out some feelers in some private nursing care facilities around the city. She had hoped Marc would want to live together, but was ready to find something on her own to be in the same zip code together. Being pregnant almost made her feel like her world was coming crashing down.

Almost.

Marc made everything calm, instantly soothing her fears with his words. She knew Marc was it, that he was the person she had always been looking for. And she was excited to have a baby with him, be a family with him. She had her fears, her nerves, but she felt confident that everyone did when they first found out. Marc had washed them all away though, expressing his desire for her to move in with him, but his understanding that he knew what that meant for her to leave Boston. He shared his own fears, the ones that matched hers, and they promised to always talk about them with each other.

As they pulled into the arena parking lot, Felicia looked over at Kelly and grabbed her wrist to stop her from exiting the car.

"I need to tell you something."

"What? What is it? Is it worse? Are you hurt worse than they're saying?"

"No, it's not that. I just need someone to confide in but I need you to promise this stays between us. Five people know this, not including my doctor and me and Marc and I need it to stay that way, until I'm ready."

"You're freaking me out, Fe but I promise, my lips are sealed."

"I can't come back, and I can't go to the Olympics because..." She hesitated and let out a deep breath. "I'm pregnant, Kels. I found out last night at the hospital. 12 weeks."

Kelly sat back, stunned at the news. "Pregnant? They're sure?"

She flipped down her visor and grabbed the ultrasound picture she had tucked up there, passing it to her. "Meet baby Ditto."

"Oh my god. You're going to be a mom! Congratulations!"

"Thanks."

"How did Marc take it?"

"Really good. He was great, said all the right things. He asked me to move with him."

"To New York?" Felicia nodded. "You're going to?"

"He gave me a week to think about it, told me he'd support whatever I decided but...I want to go. I want to be where Marc is, Kels."

"So is this it then? Are you hanging it up?"

"Yeah, I think I am. I know I could try and come back next season but I'll be twenty eight next year. And I can't play here while Marc is there. Who would watch the baby while I practiced, during games? How could I keep it away from Marc?"

"So you're giving it all up, for a guy?"

"I'm not giving up. I'm moving to the next chapter. I'll find someplace to coach, maybe little girls with big dreams. I'll be a mom, I'll have Marc. It's just a new adventure," she smiled.

"You look happy about it. Peaceful even."

"It feels right. Maybe that's dumb but I feel like maybe my life is just beginning and it's beginning with Marc."

"Have you told Jordan yet?" After meeting at camp that summer, Kelly had joined Felicia to take in Hurricanes practice with her when they had been in Boston earlier in the season. She knew how close the pair was.

"Not yet. We're gonna tell our families next week."

"So then when is the big move?"

"Over the Olympic break? I don't know. First things first, I have to tell Marc my decision."

"Are you seeing him after?"

"Yeah; they're staying one more night before they're off to Detroit tomorrow afternoon."

"I'm happy for you, Fe. I'd probably be freaking out right now but you're not."

"Trust me; I'm freaking out on the inside."