Steal a Kiss in the Dark
Mia's POV
January 21st, 2014
"What's up mom?" I asked with the door closing behind me. The air outside was definitely chilly, and if this conversation lasted more than fifteen minutes I was sure to need a jacket.
She gave a heavy sigh before her eyes met mine. It seemed as if she was unable to talk because an extended moment of time passed and she still hadn't said anything. "Mom? Is something wrong?"
"Mia..." she trailed off. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was. Once again, I waited for her to continue. "Sometimes things don't work out perfectly in life."
"Okay? I think I learned that lesson twenty-some years ago when dad abandoned us. Pretty sure I'm learning that again with my inability to find a job. What's going on?"
She was starting to lightly cry now. Whatever she had to tell me, I was terrified to hear it because of how she's acting. "Mia... I went to the doctor last week. They called me this morning..."
I was now filled with worry, "Mom, are you okay?"
"They... Mia, they found a lump in my breast. After they ran some tests, things came back negative."
"Mom..."
"Mia... I have breast cancer."
And just like that my world came crashing down around me. My mom was the only parent I had. How was it fair for her to have breast cancer? She was a good woman who accidentally had a baby as a teenager, but she did everything she could for me. Everything my mom did was for me, and for others. How was it at all fair that the world's sweetest lady has been diagnosed with breast cancer? She loved and trusted God. She went to church every fucking weekend. Why would God allow this to happen to her? Why would He allow this to happen to our family? She taught Sunday school for Christ's sake. Everything she did was for me and God. What the fuck?
"No," was all I could quietly say. What else could I say? My world just shattered in the blink of an eye.
Cancer's not supposed to just happen. It's supposed to be genetic, right? No one in my family has ever had cancer, so why the fuck was my mom diagnosed with it? This wasn't fair. There are people in this world far more deserving of this than my mom. Fuck, my mom didn't deserve this at all. Sure, we had our issues when I moved away, but those were all my fault, not hers. Why was this happening? If anything, I deserved to have this happen to me far more than she did.
"I go in for surgery next Thursday," she quietly spoke. "I'm so sorry Mia."
That was when I got angry. That was when I couldn't take it anymore.
"No. Fuck that. This is bullshit. You shouldn't be fucking sorry. Some fucking God we have, allowing this to happen to you and shit. No. This isn't fair. This isn't fucking right. You do everything you can in God's name and still, he fucking does this to you. Fucking bullshit."
"Mia, the doctors caught it early enough that I should end up just fine. They said I have about a 75% chance of survival. I'm going to be alright Mia. Please, don't speak about God in that way."
"75% isn't good enough, mom. It's not fucking enough," I was ugly crying at this point, but that didn't matter at all. All that mattered was my mom's well being. All that mattered was that she was going to be okay.
"Mia, would you like to take me to my surgery and be there with me?"
"Yes, mom. Of course," I choked out, barely able to speak. "I wanna be with you through this whole thing mom."
"Thank you, Mia. I love you."
"I love you too, mommy," I continued to cry while wrapping her in a tight hug.
The two of us just stood on the front porch for what felt like hours. I couldn't let her go, not until I had everything processed. But, how does one process the fact that their mother has breast cancer and could possibly die because of it? How does one process the fact that one parent abandoned them and that the other could possibly die from a disease as terrible as cancer? If I let her go, would I ever be able to hug her again? I know she said a 75% chance of survival, but what if that 25% wins out? What if she can't beat this? I know my mom is tough but is she that tough?
Oh God, how would I survive without my mom? What would I do without Chrissy helping me to figure out everything with Alex? What would I do if she doesn't make it and see me get married? What if my future children don't know who Grandma Chrissy is because cancer gets the better of her?
"Mia... you can let go now," my mom let out as a million other thoughts continued racing through my mind. Once I pulled away from her, however, she looked me dead in the eye before continuing. "I know you have a million questions, I still do too. It's tough and confusing. I'm sure you and I will never truly understand why this happened, but this is God's plan. He knows what He's doing, and we have to trust that He's going to do what is best for me. Mia, no matter what happens, please don't lose faith in Him, or yourself."
I sniffled then, "Okay mom." I couldn't focus on her words though. There's no way I could. I just needed to process, but how do you process this kind of information?
I think my mom understood. All she did at that point was give me another hug. This was just way too much to handle on a Tuesday morning. After pulling away the second time, she gave me a weak smile. "Why don't you go in and talk to Alex. Try and process everything I just told you. I'll see and talk to you soon sweetie. I love you so, so much."
"I love you too, mom." I once again repeated to her. This time, I watched her walk back to her car after saying it. Even after she drove away I couldn't bring myself to go inside. It was a lot. My mom having breast cancer was a lot, and I knew it was going to take quite a bit of time for me to process it.
I don't know how long I stood out there on the porch. It could have been a few minutes, it could have been an hour, I wasn't sure. Time didn't matter when the only thing I had to think about was the possibility that my mom could die because of breast cancer. I still needed my mom. Sure, I'm in my mid-twenties and I'm a full-blown adult, but that didn't change the fact that I had a million things that I still needed to learn from her. It didn't change the fact that he was my only parent. It didn't change the fact she's who I turn to when something is going wrong in my life or when something was going extremely right. Being an adult didn't change the fact that she's my mommy and I will always love her unconditionally and need her.
Alex then broke me from my thoughts, "You okay pretty girl? You've been out here a while."
I couldn't bring myself to answer. I didn't know how to answer. There was no way I'd be dying, so I guess I'm okay in that manner. Emotionally though, I had no idea. Everything just felt numb.
Without answering him at all, I continued staring straight ahead into the street with my arms tightly crossed in front of me.
In an effort to get me to speak, Alex placed his hand on my shoulder, but I couldn't deal with that. "Don't fucking touch me," I quietly mumbled. I didn't care about what he had to say at that point. He had no idea what I was going through and there's no way he'd be able to help me.
"Baby girl," he nearly whispered in an attempt to get me to look at him at least.
"I said, don't. Fucking. Touch. Me." I got louder now. Somewhere inside I knew I shouldn't be hostile to him, however, I couldn't help it. I needed to scream and yell and be alone. I needed time and space to myself.
I felt his hand leave my shoulder then and I could hear him take a few steps back. "Mia, you know I'm here for you no matter what, right?"
I didn't want to answer him, so I didn't. I wanted to be left alone. I needed to be left alone. There was too much for me to comprehend, and I didn't need Alex here talking me through this. Not right now at least.
Without a word, I grabbed my keys from my pocket and walked over to my car. Once I was in, I didn't even bother with buckling up. I just drove out of the driveway. I didn't even look for cars behind me as I backed up, but I didn't care.
"What's up mom?" I asked with the door closing behind me. The air outside was definitely chilly, and if this conversation lasted more than fifteen minutes I was sure to need a jacket.
She gave a heavy sigh before her eyes met mine. It seemed as if she was unable to talk because an extended moment of time passed and she still hadn't said anything. "Mom? Is something wrong?"
"Mia..." she trailed off. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was. Once again, I waited for her to continue. "Sometimes things don't work out perfectly in life."
"Okay? I think I learned that lesson twenty-some years ago when dad abandoned us. Pretty sure I'm learning that again with my inability to find a job. What's going on?"
She was starting to lightly cry now. Whatever she had to tell me, I was terrified to hear it because of how she's acting. "Mia... I went to the doctor last week. They called me this morning..."
I was now filled with worry, "Mom, are you okay?"
"They... Mia, they found a lump in my breast. After they ran some tests, things came back negative."
"Mom..."
"Mia... I have breast cancer."
And just like that my world came crashing down around me. My mom was the only parent I had. How was it fair for her to have breast cancer? She was a good woman who accidentally had a baby as a teenager, but she did everything she could for me. Everything my mom did was for me, and for others. How was it at all fair that the world's sweetest lady has been diagnosed with breast cancer? She loved and trusted God. She went to church every fucking weekend. Why would God allow this to happen to her? Why would He allow this to happen to our family? She taught Sunday school for Christ's sake. Everything she did was for me and God. What the fuck?
"No," was all I could quietly say. What else could I say? My world just shattered in the blink of an eye.
Cancer's not supposed to just happen. It's supposed to be genetic, right? No one in my family has ever had cancer, so why the fuck was my mom diagnosed with it? This wasn't fair. There are people in this world far more deserving of this than my mom. Fuck, my mom didn't deserve this at all. Sure, we had our issues when I moved away, but those were all my fault, not hers. Why was this happening? If anything, I deserved to have this happen to me far more than she did.
"I go in for surgery next Thursday," she quietly spoke. "I'm so sorry Mia."
That was when I got angry. That was when I couldn't take it anymore.
"No. Fuck that. This is bullshit. You shouldn't be fucking sorry. Some fucking God we have, allowing this to happen to you and shit. No. This isn't fair. This isn't fucking right. You do everything you can in God's name and still, he fucking does this to you. Fucking bullshit."
"Mia, the doctors caught it early enough that I should end up just fine. They said I have about a 75% chance of survival. I'm going to be alright Mia. Please, don't speak about God in that way."
"75% isn't good enough, mom. It's not fucking enough," I was ugly crying at this point, but that didn't matter at all. All that mattered was my mom's well being. All that mattered was that she was going to be okay.
"Mia, would you like to take me to my surgery and be there with me?"
"Yes, mom. Of course," I choked out, barely able to speak. "I wanna be with you through this whole thing mom."
"Thank you, Mia. I love you."
"I love you too, mommy," I continued to cry while wrapping her in a tight hug.
The two of us just stood on the front porch for what felt like hours. I couldn't let her go, not until I had everything processed. But, how does one process the fact that their mother has breast cancer and could possibly die because of it? How does one process the fact that one parent abandoned them and that the other could possibly die from a disease as terrible as cancer? If I let her go, would I ever be able to hug her again? I know she said a 75% chance of survival, but what if that 25% wins out? What if she can't beat this? I know my mom is tough but is she that tough?
Oh God, how would I survive without my mom? What would I do without Chrissy helping me to figure out everything with Alex? What would I do if she doesn't make it and see me get married? What if my future children don't know who Grandma Chrissy is because cancer gets the better of her?
"Mia... you can let go now," my mom let out as a million other thoughts continued racing through my mind. Once I pulled away from her, however, she looked me dead in the eye before continuing. "I know you have a million questions, I still do too. It's tough and confusing. I'm sure you and I will never truly understand why this happened, but this is God's plan. He knows what He's doing, and we have to trust that He's going to do what is best for me. Mia, no matter what happens, please don't lose faith in Him, or yourself."
I sniffled then, "Okay mom." I couldn't focus on her words though. There's no way I could. I just needed to process, but how do you process this kind of information?
I think my mom understood. All she did at that point was give me another hug. This was just way too much to handle on a Tuesday morning. After pulling away the second time, she gave me a weak smile. "Why don't you go in and talk to Alex. Try and process everything I just told you. I'll see and talk to you soon sweetie. I love you so, so much."
"I love you too, mom." I once again repeated to her. This time, I watched her walk back to her car after saying it. Even after she drove away I couldn't bring myself to go inside. It was a lot. My mom having breast cancer was a lot, and I knew it was going to take quite a bit of time for me to process it.
I don't know how long I stood out there on the porch. It could have been a few minutes, it could have been an hour, I wasn't sure. Time didn't matter when the only thing I had to think about was the possibility that my mom could die because of breast cancer. I still needed my mom. Sure, I'm in my mid-twenties and I'm a full-blown adult, but that didn't change the fact that I had a million things that I still needed to learn from her. It didn't change the fact that he was my only parent. It didn't change the fact she's who I turn to when something is going wrong in my life or when something was going extremely right. Being an adult didn't change the fact that she's my mommy and I will always love her unconditionally and need her.
Alex then broke me from my thoughts, "You okay pretty girl? You've been out here a while."
I couldn't bring myself to answer. I didn't know how to answer. There was no way I'd be dying, so I guess I'm okay in that manner. Emotionally though, I had no idea. Everything just felt numb.
Without answering him at all, I continued staring straight ahead into the street with my arms tightly crossed in front of me.
In an effort to get me to speak, Alex placed his hand on my shoulder, but I couldn't deal with that. "Don't fucking touch me," I quietly mumbled. I didn't care about what he had to say at that point. He had no idea what I was going through and there's no way he'd be able to help me.
"Baby girl," he nearly whispered in an attempt to get me to look at him at least.
"I said, don't. Fucking. Touch. Me." I got louder now. Somewhere inside I knew I shouldn't be hostile to him, however, I couldn't help it. I needed to scream and yell and be alone. I needed time and space to myself.
I felt his hand leave my shoulder then and I could hear him take a few steps back. "Mia, you know I'm here for you no matter what, right?"
I didn't want to answer him, so I didn't. I wanted to be left alone. I needed to be left alone. There was too much for me to comprehend, and I didn't need Alex here talking me through this. Not right now at least.
Without a word, I grabbed my keys from my pocket and walked over to my car. Once I was in, I didn't even bother with buckling up. I just drove out of the driveway. I didn't even look for cars behind me as I backed up, but I didn't care.