Sorry

Does it ever strike you odd that in millions of years the world will cease to exist? One day the sun is going to burn us up like a tatted piece of paper to the flame. Obviously, in our lifetime that will never happen.. but what about in our distant relatives? The child you spent half your life raising will bare its own and so on and so fourth until the day a child looks up at the sky and the heat burns their skin so rapidly it flakes and peels and bleeds. We all contribute to this, the future suffering of your worlds children. We act so foolishly and carelessly that we do things on impulse, impregnate someone or knock another life out of this world. This cruel, unforgiving world. There are no second chances, no way to justify your actions once they've been made, no matter how big or small they may seem. This is why I always found it so important to be open and honest in my life. I never wanted to hurt or harm anybody by my lies or anything I ever found myself doing that could scar. I think that's why I resented this world so much. I tried my hardest not to contribute to hate, to selfishness and discrimination. I always stood up for the things I believed in- peacefully, no doubt. I did everything I possibly could to not contribute to the horrors of this world only to have it throw everything back in my face. Sure, I'm no angel. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I just.. I never thought it would come to this. I never thought I'd have something I cared for so deeply fade into the sidelines.

It wasn't his fault, it really wasn't. Life is unfair at the best (and worst) of times, so we had to keep moving forward despite the pain. I understand that, I really do. However, that doesn't mean we shouldn't feel it. We should be allowed to get angry, make mistakes and get mad. We should be privileged enough to feel like a person should but I guess I never handled my emotions that well.

“Hey, Kellin, we're gonna head out now. You sure you don't wanna come?” Justin asked. Looking up, I nodded quickly avoiding his gaze the best I could. Everyone knew something was up with me today but Justin was the only person who knew what it was exactly. I think he caught sight of my fallen features because his face contorted into a sympathetic expression. I may be feeling down but I didn't need his sympathy. I wasn't dying, I was simply feeling a little off. Days like today never came all that often nowadays, but then.. I don't know. Recently things have been weird and I let my mind wander towards things I really didn't want to think about.

“I'm good, Justin, I'll see you later.” I forcibly smiled, saying my goodbyes to the Memphis May Fire guys and the rest of the guys in my band. They were going out drinking tonight. Usually I'd be with them, doing what most band dudes are so inclined to do with this lifestyle but tonight I couldn't. My body physically rejected the idea to the point of which I could feel the bile churning in my stomach every time going out was even mentioned. This mindset I was currently in wasn't healthy.

I sighed, picking myself off the sofa and returning to my bunk. If I was gonna wallow in self pitty, I'd do it comfortably and in complete solitude.

One thing I adored about being in a successful band was having a somewhere private to sleep. I loved my bunk, it was awesome and homely but sometimes I felt this pulling in my gut whenever I looked upwards. On the ceiling were dozens of tiny glow-in-the-dark stars that have been there forever now. I put them up during the Collide With The Sky tour about a year ago and they've stayed ever since. I remember first getting them from a small shop in California. I remember being so excited at how brightly they shined up above me, my childlike innocence truly shone through that day. Since then, they've dulled to nothing more than a faint greeny glow but they were still there, if anything representing real stars more so. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of them.

The whole thing was silly, really, these small tidbits of my everyday life combining with such trivial but oh so thought provoking actions. I'd bought those silly things on a childish impulse. The words from a former lover staying lodged inside my memory from times passed. Its funny how you remember those little things years down the line.

I looked up longingly at the unnatural stars for what felt like minutes but surely soon turned to hours. My hopeless wishing for something, anything to relieve the pressure on my chest had gone unnoticed and it wasn't until I felt the familiar vibrating of my phone tangled somewhere in the sheets, did I awaken from my daze.

“Fuck,” I mumbled softly, pulling my phone from the end of the bunk and unlocking the screen. I noted that the time had ticked its way to 12:30am, which meant that I had spent a good 3 hours of my life simply staring, but honestly didn't care. I looked to see I'd gotten a text from Jesse.

“Hey Kellin, I know its late but I just wanted to let you know that I'm missing you buddy! Hope you're doing okay :) ”

I smiled, ever since Jesse left I've been feeling so lost. He was my best friend, I needed him here with me but I understood why he needed to leave. Hell, I prompted him to follow whatever it is he's looking for but now he has a beautiful wife and daughter to look after. I couldn't keep him away from that for the sake of my stupid fragile ego. Still, these little messages every now and then helped me cope a lot better. Its nice to know we're still close.

“hey jess! been mising you like crazy, hope you and the family are well! hit me up next time you're at warped. we'll hang.”

I sighed, attempting to put my phone down but before I did, I caught sight of my illumated wrist.

'Vic.Fuentes'

I froze. I forgot I was wearing that.

On my right wrist there an assortment of bracelets. Some were acquired from my own personal purchase but others were given to me at meet and greets by the kids. Little things like that never failed to make my day. These people who liked my bands music and cared enough about it to bring us (unnecessary, but still well appreciated) gifts always filled me with a strong sense of love. My love for doing what I do, loving the fans and appreciating them as much as they appreciate me and my friends. Loving them wholeheardly.. but never in the same way I loved the man whose name decorated my wrist in beads.

I fiddled with the cheap plastic, thumbing over the small, letter indented circles.

Vic Fuentes, Vic Fuentes, Vic Fuentes

Vic Fuentes, the reason I'd been so distant lately. The reason my lungs gave out when I faced the crowds in their thousands without him. The reason I'd a tear every time I witnessed a stary night. Vic Fuentes, the man who captured my interest far beyond what I ever thought capable. This was the man I held in my heart for such a small amount of time in comparison to most but hit harder than any before. He was the reason for my unmoving gaze when a flirting wannabe mistress interrupted my view. The reason, my reason. My heart. It seemed as if my chest was waiting for the organ to return in order to feel truly whole again. To cuddle the warmth in its bones and flesh and hold on to them for the remainder of their days. But it had left, faded away so quickly that neither of them noticed.. I wonder if my heart was homesick?

I picked up my phone once more and scrolled through my contacts. He was still there, his name hadn't faded like the rest of him had. The only thing separating me from him right now was the press of a few non existent buttons. Did I dare?

“I miss you.”

I threw my phone to the end of the bunk. The force of sending that text alone ignited a whole new wave of misery to engulf me. I couldn't do this. I couldn't deal with all the heartache. All these feeling and thoughts and memories were too intense. I needed it out of me right now so the only logical thing I could think of doing was writing.

I went directly to the music room we had at the back of the bus. We converted it after the Collide tour so we could still travel but record too. The place was sound proof and even though no one was here, who knows how long I'd be back here. From the way things were looking now, I probably wasn't getting much sleep tonight.

After a while of just writing, my fingers itched to press and play so I found myself seated at the keyboard by my side. Id written what would be considered an unhealthy amount of angsty lyrics in the past hour or so but I couldn't complain. Vic was still my muse, even after all this time.

I wrote and wrote and continued writing for hours on end. The next thing I knew, the sun was peaking out of the closed blinds and I blinked. Checking the wall clock and noting that it was 6am I'd spent the night lost in my thoughts and feelings again. I wasn't even tired.

Begrudgingly, I forced myself out and back into my bunk to get a few hours rest before tonight’s show.

Then I remembered.
I texted him.

Anxiety bubbled up inside me, why did I do that? Was I really that stupid? I had to check my phone, no matter how sick the thought alone made me. Maybe he hasn't replied. That would be for the best, wouldn't it? For some reason, I wanted him to know. I really wanted him to understand the pain in those 3 words. I miss you. I need you. I love you.

“I still love you, I'll always love you.. but, don't try and contact me again.”