Fear Me, Dear

It has been two weeks since I have had a good nights sleep. Or has it been three weeks?

I'm losing track of time. More in the sense of days than hours, because I can flat out tell you how long I have been awake for if you give me the current time and day. All of the days seem to just run into one another and pass with a blur. I have seen more sunsets than I think I have ever seen before. They are truly stunning, watching the night sky get pushed back by different shades of orange, yellow, and red. However, it is difficult to fully appreciate all of this when you are sleep deprived as hell. Constant nightmares make sleep incredibly unappealing, so I sleep as little as possible.

As my gaze stays focuses on the wall opposite me, I fiddle with the shoelace in my hands. Tie a knot. Pull on the knot. Undo the knot. Twirl the shoe lace around my fingers. Repeat. I don't even know how this habit began, but it has stuck. Chris told me it might be a good habit as it might take my mind off of what happened. It does...kind of. The flashbacks still haunt me, striking at random times. A third of the way through a bowl of cereal: flashback. Sitting motionless: flashback. In the middle of a lesson: flashback. Having a conversation: flashback. Sleeping: flashback. Although that one is more of a nightmare than a flashback. They occur regularly, and unfortunately for me I can't just hide it. All of my friends can tell when I have a flashback because, according to Max, I scrunch my eyes shut, grimace, and my head jerks one way slightly. At first they would always ask what the flashback was of, and every time I ignored them. Eventually they caught on and stopped asking. That doesn't help the sympathetic looks they give me, though.

A knock on my bedroom door disturbs the silence of my room, and seconds later it opens to reveal Dan. He smiles ever so slightly as he takes a few steps into the room. I just watch him, still fiddling with the shoelace in my hands, as he glances at the lamp in the corner of my room and my gaze follows.

"Has that been on all night?" He asks, messing with his not very severe case of bedhead.

"Must have been." I mumble as I stare at the lamp. To be honest, I didn't realise it was one. Figures, seeing as I don't dare drown my room in darkness.

"Must have gotten up early, then."

"That's one way of putting it." I say, turning my gaze from the mysterious lamp to him. Dan sighs as he goes to sit on the edge of my bed. I continue to play with the shoelace.

"Did you even sleep last night?" He asks, but by the look on his face he can already guess the answer.

"Nope."

"How long have you been awake?"

"Not sure. What day is it?"

"Monday."

"What time is it?"

"Seven in the morning."

"Fifty hours."

"What?!" Dan asked in disbelief, jumping up and turning to look at me, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide.

"You asked me how long I have been awake, and I answered you. Fifty hours." I replied as if it were the must mundane thing.

"So you haven't gone to sleep since you woke up on Saturday?"

"Kicking and screaming, may I add."

"Jesus christ Josh...you haven't slept at all since five a.m. Saturday morning?"

"I knew there was a reason you got an A in your maths GCSE."

"That's besides the point! There is no way you are going to college today."

"I am."

"No you're not!"

"You can't stop me, Daniel."

Before Dan can continue to shout and protest, telling me that I can't go to college, Max walks into the room and places a hand on Dan's shoulder.

"Dan, there's no point. Just go have some breakfast and I'll talk to him."

He appears conflicted, and after a minute spent opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish he lets out a frustrated sigh. Turning on his heel and leaving, I hear a mutter of 'fucking hell' before his footsteps can be heard going down the hallway and descending the stairs. I let out a breathy chuckle and look down at the fingers where I seem to have tangled up the shoelace between my fingers. Max sighs (everyone sighs so much lately, it's actually slightly worrying) and sits where Dan was moments before.

"You need to cut Dan some slack, Josh."

"Once he tones down the attitude and stops shouting at me, I may consider it." I mutter as I attempt to untangle the shoelace, and in seconds my fingers are free once again. Then I go back to tying knots.

"Okay, so maybe he does need to tone down the attitude. Personally, I think he just doesn't know how to deal with everything that is happening right now. I'll talk to him, but go easy on him alright?"

"Will do." With a frustrated sigh I let my hands fall onto the bed and look up at Max. "I'm sorry about all the drama I've caused."

"Woah, you have nothing to be sorry for!" He exclaims as he moves so that he can rest an arm around my shoulders. "None of this is your fault, you are just incredibly unlucky. Besides, we were the ones who said that you should have gone to the shop. We should have at least sent someone with you. So on behalf of myself and the others, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it, what's done is done. We've just got to move forwards from here, I guess."

"That's right. Are you sure you want to go to college today?"

"I need to go Max, I hate it and everything but I need to do well in my A-levels."

"I'm not going to argue with you because there is honestly no point because you are one stubborn son of a bitch. If you need anything during the day or just want to leave-"

"Yeah, yeah. Talk to you or text you. You've been telling me that for days now." I interrupt him, the corner of my mouth turning up and Max smiles as well.

"Just trying to get my message across." He tells me with a shrug.

Before conversation between us two can continue, the door swings open and Matt is standing in the hallway wearing his black skinny jeans and socks but not his shirt yet.

"Hey Max, saved you a couple of breakfast bars before Dan and Chris stole them. Even got one for you, Franceschi." He says, throwing a handful of breakfast bars on the bed.

"What would I do without you, Matthew?" Max asks as he grabs a breakfast bar with raspberrys and tearing open the packet.

"Probably cry for eternity because I am completely and utterly amazing, darling." Matt declares, placing a hand on his chest and turning on his heel with a grin and walking down the hall.

"Alright then, sweetie. Now put a fucking shirt on!" Max shouts with a mouthful of breakfast bar.

"You're just jealous of my hot bod!" Matt calls as he walks down the stairs whilst attempting to put on a grey t-shirt...or is it white. I don't know, I'm bloody tired.

"I am so done with that boy." Max mutters with a shake of his head.

"Still questioning your relationship with him, Helyer." I remarked with a smirk.

"I can assure you, it is completely platonic!" Max responded, but do I believe him? Hell no.

"Twenty pounds says that in a week you two will be a thing." I challenge, the smirk still on my face.

"Be prepared to lose twenty quid, Franceschi."

"Don't be so sure of that. I told you that you two would be good friends years a-"

...pounding footsteps are close behind me...

My head jerks to the left and I shut my eyes tightly, as if that will get the flashback out of my head. This is just the start of a long day of flashbacks, though. With a shake of my head I start to tie knots with more urgency than previously to take my mind off of it. Max rests his hand on my knee and tells me to get ready if I still want to go to college today. Then he grabs another breakfast bar and leaves the room.

----------

Tie a knot. Untie the knot. Lace the shoelace through my shaky fingers. Repeat.

Two cups of coffee and three lessons later I broke down. A particularly vivid and disturbing flashback punched me right in the face in business studies and I panicked and just needed to get out of the room. Did I tell the teacher? No. Did I tell Max like I told him I would if anything like this happened? No. So Joshua, what did you do? I'm glad you asked, brain, and I will tell you. I got up and ran from the classroom like my life depended on it.

Because that, kids, is how you sort out your problems.

Chris was in that lesson, and obviously he came after me but despite my immense laziness and inability to run long distances without my lungs failing, I manage to out-run him which is pretty impressive. So now I'm hiding in the furthest corner of the library where no one ever goes. Obviously Chris has told Max who has probably told everyone else, and my phone has been going off in my pocket for the past half an hour, and I have just ignored. If they think that they can find me by hearing my ringtone, they will have no such luck. I put it on silent. I am in a library, after all.

I just don't want them hovering around me like they always do when this happens (which has been about three times now) and them crowding around me never helps. Plus it's really fucking irritating. I would much prefer being on my own and attempt to calm myself down.

So far, no such luck.

It's no surprise that fear and over forty-eight hours of no sleep do not mix. My head aches, my hands won't stop shaking, and I swear to god I keep seeing that shadow out of the corner of my eye that was there when I woke up in the nurses office. If anything, I am getting more and more worked up as the minutes pass. The shoelace gets knotted and tangled around my fingers once again as I frantically tie it and untie it. This time though it won't untangle and I am stuck in the dark corner of the library sitting on the floor having a bit of a break down with my hands trapped within the cotton confines of a shoelace.

I am a mess.

"Josh?"

The uttering of my name makes me snap my head up to where the voice came from, and to my surprise I see Oli poking his head around the book case I am behind. How he has found me, I have no idea, but a part of me is slightly grateful. I try to smile, but it must look as strained as it feels because he frowns and takes a seat in front of me.

"What are you doing here?" He inquired softly.

"I don't know." I mumble as I continue to struggle against the shoelace wrapped tightly around my fingers. Oli chuckles lightly and takes my hands in his, slowly and carefully trying to undo the knots. I am most definitely not blushing.

"Matt told me what happened in your business lesson." He states without looking up from my hands. "I'm not going to make you tell me what happened, only do so if you want to."

I don't answer him, just watch his tattooed fingers work the shoelace from my fingers, the movements almost hypnotic. Feeling my eyes dropping, I shake my head and blink rapidly for a few seconds.

"I'll take that as a no." He mutters as he works the last knot and pulls the shoelace from my hands. I wriggle my fingers, relishing the feeling of free hands. "There we go, that wasn't so difficult."

"Thanks."

"You look tired."

"Do I?" I ask as I go back to, carefully, tying knots.

"You have giant bags under your eyes. How long has it been since you slept?"

"What time is it now?"

"Almost quarter past twelve."

"Just over fifty-five hours then."

"Impressive, trying to beat your record of sixty-four and a half?" He inquires with a light chuckle.

"Possibly."

"Joking aside, not sleeping enough isn't exactly healthy. Have you tried sleeping pills?"

"Yeah, I'm never using them again."

"Why not?"

"Sleeping pills don't let me escape my nightmares, they make me endure them."

"Well shit...you should try and sleep tonight, though. Promise me."

"I'll try to sleep tonight." I mutter, staring at my hands. Oli places a finger under my chin and gently tips my head up so that I am looking directly at him. No escaping eye contact, unfortunately.

"Promise me, Josh."

"I promise."

"Awesome. Now come on, your friends are worried about you."

----------

So basically Max was a tad mad when I finally found the guys. He went off about how I should have texted him or told Chris, and how I shouldn't have just run off like that. Chris didn't say anything, but he would keep sending me half-smiles in a silent way of saying "I'm not mad, and I understand". Dan was a bit more chilled than Max, but that doesn't mean he didn't have anything to say. Thankfully, I had Oli fighting my corner and Matt was the neutral ground, defending me and trying to calm Max down. Using his extra powerful boyfriend powers (I still stand by my opinion that Max and Matt are most definitely a thing) he calmed Max down, and then I had a chilled out Max hugging me and telling me to not do that again. The guys thanked Oli and we headed home.

It's now ten o'clock in the evening and the others are going to bed. Good nights are exchanged and the door to Chris and Dan's room shuts, as well as the door to Max and Matt's room. I am sat cross-legged on my bed, the door of my room shut. The curtains are open halfway and the lamp is on once again.

Tie a knot. Untie the knot. Lace the shoelace through my fingers. Repeat.

My phone goes off, and the glowing screen alerts me that I have a text. Unlocking it, I see that it's from Oli.

From: Oli
Sleep well x

I laugh at the irony. If I do manage to fall asleep, it will be anything but well.