Fear Me, Dear

The past few days have been great. For me, anyway.

Since the discovery of Max and Matt being thing (and let's not forget my getting twenty pounds richer) I have not let my little victory go. The funniest thing is that I am the only person that knows besides Max and Matt of course. Naturally I take advantage of this and make discrete remarks about Max and Matt whilst either Dan or Chris are in the room. The reactions are always the same: Max glares at me, Matt's eyes go wide as if worried that the others will catch on, Chris continues to play guitar, and Dan looks at me as if confused.

It is so much fun.

With this fun obviously comes the consequence of getting punched by Max when Chris or Dan aren't looking. This has led to me shouting my remarks with enough time to leg it out of the room, up to my room, and then locking the door before Max can catch me. However, he has gone to extremes, such as hiding alarm clocks in my room that go off at the same time during the day (seeing as I still have trouble sleeping and he doesn't want to ruin his 'beauty' sleep) and eating my chocolate bars. Arsehole. What he doesn't know is that I have a secret stash in my room. And the alarm clocks? The second time I found them all and hid them in his and Matt's room before they went off.

As I said: fun.

Things have been improving in camp "Josh's Mind" as well. I don't fiddle with the shoelace as much as I did, however I still wind it around my fingers every now and then, mainly when I'm nervous. The flashbacks aren't as frequent, but they still happen. The sleeping hasn't really improved all that much though. Progress is progress though. Better to take baby steps than to not take any steps at all.

Hannah still hangs around a lot; in fact she has become one of my closest friends. She has been a real help and somehow she makes me forget about what happened for a while. She may be weird, but I'm used to it. Besides, weird suits her. With her hanging around with me frequently also means that she is around the house a lot. The accusations thrown her way by Chris and Dan still hang in the air, causing constant tension whenever she is around. Chris doesn't really have a problem with Hannah anymore, he has even had quite a few conversations with her. Pretty impressive considering how quiet Chris tends to be about eighty percent of the time. However Dan is a different story. He remains cautious around Hannah, constantly looking at her out of the corner of his eye. I don't think I have heard him say a single word to her since the accusations were brought to light. It is blatantly obvious that he still doesn't trust her. Hopefully he will warm up to Hannah soon. Until then though he'll just have to deal with Hannah being around a lot, I guess.

Then there's Oliver. We're...well, I'm not too sure what we are. I think we're more than friends...maybe. Neither of us have really said anything on the matter, just going with the flow I guess. I went over to his flat, we got pizza, and we watched Zombieland. Over all, a pretty awesome day. However, I'm worried. Oli has seemed a bit off recently, ever since we went and got ice-cream that day. Whenever I ask him he always tells me that he's fine, as expected. I don't hold much hope that he will actually tell me what's wrong. People never tell you. They always pretend that everything is peachy when it really isn't. I just hope whatever it is isn't too bad. Maybe it's some morbid anniversary coming up, like the death of a family member or friend. I guess I'll just leave it for now, I don't really want to pester him to the point of annoyance. However I won't leave it forever. Regardless of whatever is happening with him, he has really helped me with the last few weeks. Dragging me out of the house has been a huge help without a doubt.

As I hide another alarm clock in Max and Matt's room, set to go off at 03:47, I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket. Before going ahead with the fourth occasion of hiding alarm clocks, I put my phone on silent so as not to arouse suspicion from Matt or Max who are both in the living room. Matt is as observant as a dead rat with no eyes so he isn't my main concern. Max, however, has the best hearing out of everyone I know. Seriously, he's like a fucking bat. How his hearing is so excellent is beyond me considering how loud he plays his music with his earphones in. If my phone wasn't currently on silent, Max would have heard it and figured out that I'm in his room and not my own, thus ruining the surprise of me yet again hiding the alarm clocks.

The third time I hid the alarm clocks he found about half of them. Now I have hidden them so well, I doubt that I would be able to even find them in an hour. Also a couple have been put in places that are so obvious that he won't even bother to look there. I feel that it doesn't even cross Matt's mind that I still hide alarm clocks, making it all the more funnier.

Hiding the alarm clock in my hand in one of the many boxes under Matt's bed (the box right in the middle, the image of a half asleep Matt trying to find it in my mind), I take my phone from my pocket. Matt, Max and Dan are downstairs. Chris is out skateboarding. Hannah would just turn up if she wanted to tell me something. Oli is doing whatever Oli does. So by process of elimination it is either Chris or Oli, although it's probably more likely to be Oli. Unlocking my phone, I find my prediction to be correct.

From: Oli
Hey, are you free rn? xx

Am I free...considering I can barely leave the house on my own, I have a lot of free time on my hands. College is finished for the term, so no work to do. Even if I did have school work, I probably still wouldn't do it until the night before or even the morning of the day that it is due. Matt and Max are busy either playing xbox or making out. Dan's probably counting the number of snapbacks he has and then admiring them. Chris is, as I have previously stated, is out skateboarding. Hannah is probably watching some weird documentary or reading. With all of that taken into account, my schedule is pretty much free.

To: Oli
I'm sure I can make time for you in my hectic schedule ;) xx

From: Oli
Because you love me so much :* xx

To: Oli
Obviously xx

From: Oli
Anyway, I have something pretty important I have to tell you. There's this spot where I want to tell you. Do you want me to meet you at your house? xx

I go to type out a reply of 'yes please' but I stop myself. Do I need him to meet me? Could I do this on my own? The thought makes my heart beat faster out of both fear and surprisingly excitement. This would be a huge step, turning those baby steps into strides. If I can go out by myself without having someone with me at all times then I can get my life back...to an extent. Sleepless nights and flashbacks will still put up a fight, but I'll get over them. Even if I don't, they're manageable. The question is: am I ready?

Not really. I need to push myself though.

To: Oli
No thanks. Just tell me where to meet you and I'll meet you there. Will leave when I get your message xx

Shit, no going back now. With dread weighing down my heart but a hint of excitement bubbling in my stomach, I pocket my phone and go to my own room to grab a jacket and shoes. Unfortunately, my room is a shit tip. The only jacket I can find is my leather one. Thank christ it isn't raining and not too hot. Shoving my feet into my boots, I grab my wallet and keys (although it took five minutes to find them). Checking my phone once again, I open the new text from Oli with the location of where we're meeting. I think I know where it is, it's some sort of hidden spot behind one of the abandoned buildings close by.

I decide on a speedy exit as to avoid questions. Bracing myself at the top of the stairs, I stretch my legs and shake out my arms. I haven't run in a while, not exactly my favourite hobby or thing to do to be honest. Then I get ready to dash. Three...two...one...

I bolt it down the stairs, shouting a quick "have fun making out" before I am out the door and outside the gate. Max can be heard shouting for me from inside the house, so I decide to dash around the corner before he can open the door. Upon turning said corner, I take a breather. Then it sinks in: I'm outside. On my own. I, Josh Franceschi, am outside without a friend for once. All alone. Completely by myself. For a moment my feet are frozen to the spot; my body feels like it is made of cement and stuck in my current position. I want to do nothing but curl up in a corner and call Oli, but I need to keep going. I need to prove to myself that I can in fact do this. I need this. So with feet that really don't want to take me forward and a heart that appears to want to break my rib cage, I go on. Numerous times I find myself wanting to just break down, run back the way I came, or just call Oliver. I refuse though. In order to get back the life I had before the attack I need to face my fears. If I don't battle my fears then they will win and I will be controlled by them for the rest of my life.

I don't want to be controlled by fear.

My surroundings start to spin slightly around me, buildings leaning over in one direction and then another. Faces of the people I pass become distorted and blurred. Through my blurry vision I can still see the knife. Is that woman going to approach me? Is that man the one who attacked me? Any of these people could have been responsible for nearly killing me. A hand grabs my shoulder and roughly throws me onto the floor. I just want Oli. I need Oli. Where's Oli? My heart feels like it's in my throat, choking me as I struggle to breathe properly. I choke slightly, finding it slightly harder to breathe as some blood starts spilling from my mouth. All I can hear is my own heartbeat, not the cars flying past or the children shouting. A voice whispers rather sinisterly in my ear. Clammy hands grip at the cloth at the bottom of my jacket, fiddling with the material and pulling it down. My brain is screaming at me to turn around and go home. Turn around. Go home. Go home. Go home. A stinging sensation from the back of my left calf. Unsteady legs continue to drag me forward.

Finally, after what feels like years of uneven breathing, nausea and shaky limbs, I reach the spot Oli told me to meet him at. And there he is, sat on top of a closed dumpster. I begin to laugh with relief and almost collapse to my knees. I did it. I left my house on my own and walked here, by myself, to meet Oli. By no means is the fear completely conquered, but with time that fear will be running for the hills. With a huge grin, I walk over to where Oli is sat and pat his knee to get his attention. When he looks up at me, he grins.

"Hey, you did it!" He jumps down from the dumpster and pulls me into a bone crushing hug. "I am so proud of you."

"Thanks." I chuckle as he pulls away and turns his head to look at the dumpster behind him. There seems to be something off with him, but I brush it off because he's been like this for a while now. Something in the back of my mind says that he seems worse, or that the problem is a lot bigger than it seems, but I swiftly tell it to shut up. Everything's fine.

I shove my hands in my pockets and let out a sigh, a mix of relief and content.

"So, what is it that you wanted to tell me?"