Extrinsic

To say I was nervous was an understatement. My palms were sweating, my leg was shaking, and I was trying to keep my breathes even and my heart rate at a normal pace.

They called my name and I followed the nurse into a cubicle so she could take my height, weight, and blood pressure.

“Your heart rate is a little high, are you nervous?”

I nodded my head and she said okay, taking the cuff off my arm.

Isn’t she suppose to check it again?

She motioned for me to follow her and I did.

“The doctor will be with you in just a moment. Please change into one of these gowns”

I was left alone to change in the small room. I could see my reflection in the mirror above the sink. My skin was pale, my body was thin, no traces of muscle. My limbs looked like they could snap. I felt uneasy.

How could then turn someone like me, someone so weak, into a soldier?

When I finished changing, I heard a knock on the door. I told them to come in, and it was the doctor. He introduced himself and went to the wall, pulling up a screen with all my information. He studied it for a few minutes before asking me some questions.

“Nina, everything looks perfectly healthy and normal. I’ll have Ann print out your papers.”

“Wait, I was promised I’d see someone about my anxiety.” I furrowed my eyebrows.

He looked confused but nodded his head anyway.

“I’ll get him for you.”

So I sat and waited for fifteen minutes before another doctor came in with a clip board.

He asked me a few questions out loud and then stood up to leave.

“No need to worry Nina, you’re perfectly normal.”

And then he was gone.

Ann gave me my paperwork.

I felt numb.

I threw up in a trashcan in one of the hallways and slipped into a cleaning supplies closet.

Then I sat on the floor and cried.